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I have been POA for my 89 yr old mother for 10 years. She lived with my husband and I for 22 months. It was a disaster. Currently, she lives in her own home with my 69 yr old divorced brother. He works full-time, but is very good about helping. My younger brother does nothing, visits mom every 3 months or so.


I go to mom’s twice a week: run errands, help with house work, yard work, cooking, all doc appts, make all decisions in “urgent” type situations (there have been 4 falls and 4 broken bones), try to give her outings and solve most problems that develop. She has mellowed, but often is very difficult to deal with.


Numerous times mom has mentioned that she should change her will regarding dividing up any money that might be left when she is gone. Financially my husband and I are better off than my brothers. So, she wants to, or thinks about just giving the money to them.


Mom is not insightful at all, has always been hard on me and “spoiled” the boys. I don’t understand why she puts everything on me and seems to have no concern for what the last 10 years have done to me ... I am 65 yrs old. She thinks about changing the money situation and leaving me nothing. If I ask her questions about her thoughts or what she truly wants, she says she doesn’t know. How could she feel this way about her only daughter? (Our relationship is not close at all.) How could she put all this stress on me? I just don’t understand. All the decisions I have made have been with her best interests in mind. Help please.

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I was caregiver for my stepmom from the time she moved back to the US until she died. I was at her beck and call for doctors appointments, social engagements, banking issues, etc. My sisters, both living out of town, visited sporadically.
In her will we all inherited equally. After going thru her boxes of paperwork, I discovered the two of them had been using her as a loan company, although, neither made any attempt to ever pay her back. I could be resentful and angry. But what good would that do? It won't change anything. I just take comfort knowing that my dad asked me to take care of her, and I did.
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Mother has held those magical words over our heads for years "inheritance".

Sibs have been written out and then back in numerous times. And she tells us about it. When my YB finally figured out how much the holy 'inheritance' was he laughingly called me and said 'well, IF we inherit equally, we each get $9,875.' I joined in the laughter--as we knew mother didn't have a fortune, but a $50,000 life insurance policy bought in 1964 would probably have seemed like a lot at the time.

I also 'owe' the estate $1500, and YB owes $6000 (he has cared for her in his home for 27 years--go figure how THAT came about!) We have NO IDEA why we owe this money. It's actually not legal, how she tacked this bill onto her will--it just makes both of us feel bad.

Our lawyer said you either do things completely equally or have darn good reasons to cut a child out of a will. The fallout of hurt and bad feelings is just not WORTH what your point may have been. IF you are angry--write that child a private letter for your attorney to give them. Even then--you'll be remembered as the last act you did prior to death.

My DH is on the outs with his mother. She has said she's cutting him out of her will (and she has substantial amounts of money) BUT, he's still the executor. Lucky guy.

THINK before you change a will to exclude someone.
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Is your mother capable of making her own decisions?
If so, allow her to do so.
As far as all you are doing, why not STOP now? Why not give all this care and work to the brothers, or allow them to place her in care?
Give yourself a break. Apparently you and Mom don't especially get along, and you have served all this time without pay. You can A) take payment now for your fiduciary work if you POA allows this or B) resign as POA or C) assign and hire a Fiduciary to do work, and stop your appointment work and etc, have some time for yourself.
Wish you good luck.
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Hard as it is to disregard what she’s saying, do what you want to do in helping your mother, helping from the heart, don’t bite off more than you want (as her needs will increase) and expect nothing. Don’t discuss her will with her, if either brother is trustworthy you might tell them if the will is changed you’re out on helping. Overall, we care give with no expectation of reward. That doesn’t take away the hurt of feeling disregarded
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One of ur posts u say Mom has some Dementia. If so, she can't change her Will anyway. Not able to make informed decisions. Your her POA. If she starts asking to go to the lawyer, put her off.

It seems, on this forum anyway, with all woman have accomplished, we are still considered the ones who are suppose to take care of Mom and Dad. And because of that our efforts are't as appreciated as they should be. That all we do for them is just pushed aside. My brothers thanked me for taking care of mom. That made me feel good. Believe me, ur not the only one on this forum that does not have a similar problem. I know, but that doesn't make u feel any better.
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I just skimmed your previous posts. Your mother lived with you for almost 2 years back in 2017, correct? Her house is in your and your brothers' names, right?

Do you make all decisions for her as POA? It sounds like she can still make decisions. How much will be left in her estate after she dies?

Do you really think she will get your brother (he'd have to take off work, right?) to take her to an attorney to change her will?

You wrote this in March:
"In just the past few days, I have made a tremendous decision (because no one else wants to make decisions and be the “bad guy”) that my mom either uses her 35 free aide hours thru insurance or goes into a nursing home. I hate it has come to this, but I can’t deal with the pressure any more. Maybe my older brother will retire and stay home with her. Next week we talk it thru ... hopefully peaceably."

What happened when you talked this through?

My mother threatened to change her will, and actually did get one of my out-of-state (when he was visiting) brothers to bring her to the attorney to take me off as POA (also took off one of my 3 brothers, leaving the two remaining as POAs -- all were out of state). My brother claimed he didn't know why she went to the attorney (I don't believe him). Like you, I was the only one who did anything for her -- she claimed I "owed" her.
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Do you think your brother will take her to the attorney? If not, she most likely will not change the will. But as far as I am concerned the damage is done. She has told you she does not appreciate all you do for her. I'd cut my visit back to once a week and not be so available to assist her. Let her heirs do that.
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You have no control in this situation, only how you react to it. Maybe drop the topic so you can stop reminding her about it. Expect nothing. Maybe your mom won't get around to changing the will.
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Sounds like she is one of an older generation(s) that has little respect for women. To them we are just to be used, exploited. That is supposed to be the role in life of a "good woman". Only men really matter and for sure they should control all money. You have tried to talk to her about your feelings but she just does not "get it" And of course, you continue to act out this antiquated "role". I don't think she will change while you comply with her wishes. After all, why should she? And so many of these people see nothing morally questionable in their attitudes. They don't see that this is abusive. The only thing you can do is start to step back. Work on your own life with your husband. Enjoy these years of "young" retirement. It is remotely possible that by refusing to comply with these antiquated expectations of a woman's role, you may get her thinking a bit.
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This just sucks.

I think I'd feel like telling her you are about to have gender reassignment surgery. Then with a male appendage, you may get a share.

Sorry, not helpful. Just big sigh for you. I'd better delete this within the 30 mins!
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