This question requires the truth. It is probably meant for my long term friends who care for the aging parent “IN THEIR HOME”.

My heart goes out to you. You are a wonderful daughter. Its hard not to be resentful. Have you tried journaling about your brothers, or writing a letter and of course never with the intent of sending it. When I was caregiving my late husband from 2011 until Sept 2019, I was worried that the stress would do me in first, it is so hard. You have to take care of yourself. If you can afford a home health aide, that would be ideal, or consider joining some of the FACEBOOK Caregiver Support Groups to share what you're going through.

Prayers of light coming your way. I will be thinking of you.

‘The truth’ often depends on how the question is asked. It’s good that you have had supportive answers. However if the same question is asked differently, the answer often goes like this:

‘Mother made no plans of her own. Daughter was her only plan. It wasn’t discussed with brothers. They also went along with the ‘women’s work’ idea. So did daughter – just stepped up to the plate automatically. Now daughter isn’t happy, but no-one else is going to budge. Only alternative to 'suck it up'– forget about the ‘golden promise’, move mother into a facility and go back to being a daughter, not a maid’.

It’s really tough. The same thing happens over and over again. How can any of us change it on our own? There are probably more sons and daughters caring for aging parents now, than was ever the case earlier – in spite of the stories about the 'good old days'.

I am the oldest of 3 and a girl. The other 2 are boys. I lived inbthe same town. One son is 8hrs away, the other 30 min. My Mom was a sweet lady and easy to care for. My brothers really were no different before Moms Dementia than after. It saddened my Dad. Gifts to my Mom were sporadic as were phone calls. She was always there for her kids and our friends too. I was the only one who acknowledged birthdays, Christmas and Mom/Dad days on a regular basis.

You are not going to change them. So just let those feelings go. When its all said and done, you did what you felt you should do. I eventually placed Mom in an AL. My house just was not conducive for someone who wandered and couldn't do stairs. She had to be confined to one area because of the steps. Plus, the daily care was getting to me. Not so much the bathing, I had someone doing that, but the toileting was the worst for me. And being woke up in the night. She did so much better in the AL. It was a big square with the hall way going around inside. U couldn't get lost because u always came back to the common area. She had people who cared for her and others she could talk to.

I am so sorry to hear what you are going thru. There are those that do and those who don't or won't. I completely understand the fetching, constant cleaning, appointments, meds, meals, and every little thing in between. And yes, I agree cleaning up the bm messes is the worst! My experience with my MIL was that she would be in contact with her daughters but they would not assist with her care in any way. They considered me their unpaid caregiver and they had no need to help us (dh and I)out or give us a break. I just rolled with it and did the best I could with what I had. If it makes mom happy to talk to them so be it. Know you have and are doing your best. Do you have mom's poas? Does she have the funds to hire someone to come in and help her in your home to give you a needed break? Not an easy road to travel especially since both of your brothers will not help out. Since MIL passed, we have cut all contact with husband's younger sister. Some people are so toxic that you are better off without them. Wish I had a magic wand to help everyone who has walked this path of caring for our loved ones. Hugs to you.

It’s very hard to care for someone for so very long.

Wishing you peace in this difficult situation.

The truth is that you cannot do this sort of caregiving by yourself. Your brothers are not going to help it seems, unless they'll only help if you give up control of your mom. What's the issue there? In-home care, paid for with your mom's money, or placement in a facility seems reasonable. Do you have POA? I suggest you start researching places in your city. If she'll need medicaid to pay for it, start looking at that process too. For sure change this situation before you ruin your own health.

Arimethea, I am no "long term friend" but you do know I like you. And you know I am far from being God in telling you the right thing to do.
I can only say this to you. Your brothers are who and what they are. They have never wanted to help in caregiving and have not been a support.
That doesn't mean that they are not your Mother's sons. Re read the parables of the "prodigal son" and you will see your story is there; even the atheist, me, recognizes that. Your Mom is at the end of her life. She is trying to reach out for some resolution in her feelings for her sons, about her sons, with her son.
You have done so much more that is so much more difficult than this; so I will ask you, can you not find it in your weary heart to let her do this as well. So that when it is all over you will KNOW all you have done for her, and that there was NOTHING you did not do to help her, no matter it hurt you? I think it will ease you after she is gone if you can bring yourself to do this. And I think that if you don't you will use the fact you didn't to heap more hurt upon yourself, something you definitely do not need or deserve.
My very best out to you. I am so sorry. I know that this has to make you want just to tear your hair out of your head. But please, just try. Let it go. Whatever their reasons have been for stepping away from their mother all this time, I cannot know.
Let your Mom try for peace with her sons in these last years she can act at all, would be my advice. And again, I am sorry.