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What's the best way to tell a family member we will not help without sounding like a jerk. My aunt is ill, and her only son whom has autism has been taking care of her. He is doing his best, he is only one person. My mother (her sister) wants to help, I refuse to let her. I will be one driving them around (her son does not drive), or fielding phone calls from my father how annoyed he is. My cusion does not seem to understand the difficult position his requests put his cousins into. We all have our own issues, it is tough on him we have a support system and he does not. It is not our problem, I wish I could make him see that.
He never really got along with our family he was the youngest by a large margin and was also closed off. We barely know him, for him to come by after all this time asking us for help because his mom/our aunt wants to reconnect with family is unreasonable. My aunt is the youngest, my mom will cave. My cusion does not speak the language, we do so our aunt finds it more comfortable around us. One again that is not our problem.
My cusion is doing his best to respect our wishes, his hands are tied our aunt wants to live her house to see her family he does not let her see calls 911, and then the police call me because my cusion tells them the truth, and I have to explain it to the cops. That I do not want my aunt to see my mother. He is stuck again, my siblings whom do not live in the same state want me to help and have asked why not just give him a break for 4 hours a week. They use the excuse I am retired and that is unfair. It is my time to give away no one else.
I'm tired of being seen as the bad person for putting my sanity first. I have already cared for my mom who has cancer, my sister who has CP, my son who has mental health issues. My cusion is making unreasonable request, he wants my mother to tell our aunt she does not want her to come over, knowing full well that is not the case. I do not want to deal with it but I will be the one dealing with it.
I am exhausted of everyone telling how I should proceed. It is sad he has to go through this before 30 by himself but once again it is not my problem. I am sick of family members across state lines suggesting I give him a break, where was mine when I needed it.
I have tried to explain to him she needs to be placed, but trying to get someone with autism to place their parent that has cared for them is no simple feat. Especially when you have social workers telling him that placement is not ideal at this moment. They just do not want to do the work to place someone that is younger but has no money, nor deal with a child that is heavily engaged with the parents care. Such cases are not fun, use to work as a community guardian. Children like my cusion are the worse, they are persistent, yet lack zero understanding as to what limitations the system has.
I wish I could make him understand, and I am sorry our aunt has to go through this, but once again it is not my problem. Him having the police call and ask why she cannot go over was the last straw that broke the back. Not my problem, idc if mom had told her she is welcomed anytime, not my problem not dealing with it. Everything has to go through me when it comes to my mom I am her POA. I am responsible for her, he does not get to call the shots nor does my aunt.
Trying to reason with those are the spectrum is rough especially he is case due to the fact he is getting mixed messages. He does not get people give him mix messages to be nice, cause no family member wants to be blunt and say we do not want to be to bothered by our sister aunt, we have enough issues.

This was mostly meant to be a vent session, I will not go into details regarding her health conditions or family history.

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This post is from Feb and the OP has not been back.

This is confusing because I feel some words have been left out so change the meaning of the sentence. I took it that the cousin doesn't want his Mom visiting OPs Mom either. And the reason the OP doesn't want to drive her Mom over is because then it will be expected. OP does reply that her POA is in effect so need to assume Mom is not competent. No info posted about Mom in profile.

Seems to me OP is not being selfish she is just burnt out. Seems she has enough on her plate. And has to listen to Dad who seems not to want Wife going anywhere either. No ages are given so no idea how old Mom is. Really, every time u turn around someone needs your attn. At this point she nor her family can worry about 2 more people. She probably has POA because of the language barrier her parents have. Maybe she needs a course in what her responsibilities are if Mom is competent.

I also wonder if OP is using the right words. Instead of "we don't want to help" its "sorry, we can't help". And those relatives out of town need be told that dealing with Mom, sister, Dad and her son is as far as she can spread herself.
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Burnt,
I guess I have no human decency BUT

No visit happens without the op as she’s the one who has to drive and translate. Cousin can’t drive so Who knows how real his job is. Not her proble,
m. He absolutely went overboard in actually calling the cops and if the visit happens, it could easily become a weekly thing or a monthly thing with cousin Benji over there braying for money or time. That becomes her problem.

Op, your life is full enough without him. No is a complete sentence, and it’s not your problem is accurate.
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BurntCaregiver Apr 2022
I would never believe that of you, PeggySue. If the OP doesn't want to be involved because of the cousin that's totally understandable, but if the sisters want to see each other, there should be a way for that to happen.
As for the visiting becoming a weekly or monthly thing, so what. Maybe someone else can bring the OP's mother for a visit.
She should see her sister if she wants to. The cousin with autism needs to be put in his place and told plainly that no one's giving him any money.
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Since it is family, an explanation of why is reasonable to extend (all those you've already cared for, you're retired, you're tired, etc.).

Please don't use the phrase "it's not my problem" as you have done here. Well, of course, you can, but the phrase is inflammatory, and I'm sure you'd like to keep the heat down as much as possible.

Best to you as you move forward....
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If you don't want to help out with your aunt or reconnect with her and your cousin, you don't have to.
That being said, it really isn't for you to decide for the entire family whether or not they want to help and reconnect with your aunt and cousin.
I'm going to speak plainly so please don't be offended. Who are you to refuse to let your own mother go to her sister who's ill? Excuse me, but who died and made you king?
No one that's who.
If you don't want any contact with them, that's fine you don't have to have any. If you don't want to drive your mother to her sister's house so she can spend a few hours a week there, you don't have to. You have no right to refuse to let your mother see her sister because you have her POA. That's disgusting and you should be ashamed of yourself.
Refusing to give your mom a ride to go to her sister, or not even having a kind word for your autistic cousin who has no one and whose mother is sick, is pretty heartless.
There's no way you don't look like a jerk to your family and any other person with an ounce of human decency who reads this post. If the shoe fits...
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"I have already cared for my mom who has cancer, my sister who has CP, my son who has mental health issues. My cousin is making unreasonable request."

That is what you say and you say it firmly. And be prepared for them to talk behind your back about how awful you are. But if your mom wants to help you can't stop her. You don't have to assist but you can't stop her.
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I can tell that you’re very frustrated and tired. However, please recognize that a POA does not give you unfettered control over your mother.
I had guardianship of my mother (which gave me loads more legal authority) and the lawyers cautioned me not to use it to be too controlling of her. When possible, they said I should try to use it to help my Mom meet her needs, not circumvent them. I’m not saying this to be mean, but at a certain point keeping two aging siblings apart sounds heartbreaking. I can tell that is not what you intend, you’re just overwhelmed!
With that said, is it possible to get someone to give both your cousin AND you a break for a few hours every week. You mention that your mom and aunt need an interpreter. Have you tried your church or your area’s Agency for Aging? They might have a native-speaking senior or teen who is able to interpret really cheaply or even free. If you find someone, then LEAVE your Mom and aunt to get your nails done or maybe even catch a movie with your cousin. Whatever! Just do something you enjoy for a fun respite!
A solution where you and your cousin win is possible. Both of you deserve it!
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I am not sure I understand. You say you have POA so that what you say rules. But POA doesn't grant you the power to say to consenting adults - mom and her sister - that they can't speak or see each other. I can understand that you don't want to facilitate the visit, but it you are a caregiver not a warden. Can you tell your mother and aunt and cousin that they will have to work out the visit or call without your help?
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How old are ur parents and you. What health problems does you Mom have? Does she have Dementia so you need to make decisions for her? Sounds to me that Dad has a lot of input too that u worry about what he will say.

I have Immediate DPOA for my nephew mainly so I could oversee his finances. He has his neurological problems but can live alone with a little overseeing. Because he is considered competent, I cannot make his decisions for him. So, if your Mom has no Dementia, you cannot really tell her what to do. If Aunt does not fit the criteria for help, what is wrong with her?

I really understand what your saying. I would be the same way if someone wanted to give my parent an IPad that I would be getting the calls because that someone had no idea how to operate it. Seems you do not live with you parents. You just don't need one more responsibility.

Seems your cousin is very high functioning if he can hold down a job and afford care for Mom. I don't think his Autism is so much in play as he is experiencing what every Caregiver experiences when they need to work and have someone to care for at home. And I understand that if you help once, he will expect it. But there are people who have no Autism that can never understand why someone cannot help them.

I think your just frustrated because no one will take the time to understand why you can't help. No is a one word sentence. Another I like is "When you say No, your are not responsible for the reaction you get".
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It is respite under the umbrella of seeing a family member. Yes, in practice it should be easy to accommodate but that requires me being as my aunts son does not speak our native tongue and my mother's English is extremely limited. So I will be in charge of making the accommodations for my mother. Plus I have to deal with the backlash of my father.
My aunt does not meet requirements for most places when it comes to care she is still functional and has passed all examinations and evaluations. Still it is apperant she needs some form of assistance but the Grey area is not easy to navigate. She has to get worse unfortunately.
I sympathize with but that help will not come at my sanity or become an inconvenience to me. Yes, I am being rather closed fisted with the POA. Unless someone in the family wants to challenge it and take the responsibility they can just sit back and watch.
I have to deal with the hassle of following through with arrangements no one else does. Sure, he has his hands full but I still fail to see how that is my concern.
Yes, APS and social services are passing the buck I have dealt with cases like my aunt. It is painful to have to wait for progression and even then with how strict and restrictive care allocation is getting care for the aunt is an uphill battle and her case will sit on someone's desk for months at a time.
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"Trying to reason with those are the spectrum is rough".

I can sympathize.
You are right, it is not your problem to fix.
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You can speak for yourself.
It is okay not to help, not to want to help.
Try not to be speaking for your family.

You have no control over whether your family and extended family thinks of you as a jerk. Sometimes, trying to be nice is not nice.
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I am confused.

Is there a request for the 2 sisters to visit at you/mom's home for a couple of hours, or is there a request for respite for your cousin, with you providing care for his mom.

If mom and sister want to see each other, they need to figure out the logistics. Transport via cab/Uber to one home or the other.

What mental health issues does Aunt have? Is she being seen by a geriatric psychiatrist?
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Change your phone number after telling them you've got a lot on your plate and you can't possibly help and you're tired of them asking. Tell them they need to get in their car, catch a train or fly out to help. Tell your mom you'll not be driving her around and if she wants to help that she'll need to find other transportation. Stand your ground. GOOD LUCK TO YOU!
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Maybe try the local churches --- ask if there might be someone (or several people) that might be able to spend 4 hours on a weekend to give your cousin a break. Contact the local Council on Aging (or whtatever it is called in your state) to see if there is any assistance. If there is a local senior citizen center, post a flyer asking if anyone would be available for 4 hours.
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My cusion is higher functioning, but his emotional and social intelligence are extremely lacking. He is not on disability, he does work and cares for himself albeit you can see he is struggling to manage both his own care and his mothers. My aunt is already on APS radar, my cusion called trying to get help navigating the situation, it is just not that simple. Not much help is available in a proactive sense, at least in my state not sure about others help is more reactive. She did not pass the needs requirement for Medicaid LTC so no MLTC to pay for home care or even day services. He is currently paying for day services ands some home hours out of his pocket.

Yes, my mother's POA is n
active. They only can go by what I say. He is extremely intelligent, he is getting mixed messages which confuse matters. My aunts siblings want to help and have offered help but they are all older and do not get helping means the kids will take over the burden.
My siblings do not live in the state they do not get how much I have given up to care for our parents, last thing I need to to care for another person even if it is only for a few hours to give him a break on the weekend. He is struggling, and my heart goes out for him but he does not understand the system is not proactive in our state it is reactive. Until the need is shown nothing can be done, that means unless something happens to his mother he is SOL. I tried a social visit at the ER saying it was unsafe, she got discharged an hour later. My aunt is still capable she is just lonely. She is showing signs of decline yes, and I do not want to deal with that. We do not even get along that well to begin with.
He paints a good picture to agency's to frame me as as unsupporting and it does not help that people are telling him that family should split the work load. I have had the APS caseworker is on his mother's case tell me how I am being unreasonable. Yes, APS is right he cannot frame what his mother does as wandering in our state she knows where she is going and how to go back home. Yes, they are correct our my mother his aunt does say she is free to go over anytime. I have POA so that is moot. Yes, my actions in limiting contact is making his life harder cause I did tell him off when he went behind my back and I had to deal with the drama between my father and mother caused by her aunt. What my cusion does not seem to understand I am not legally responsible to care for my aunt. Idc of the care is minimal, idc if it will just be a social visit. He does not know the language so I will have to be the person that gets in the middle.

Venting is nice, cannot do it with my family cause I am the villain in this story. All they see is a reasonable request from a struggling kid comparatively speaking. They do not understand what goes behind that request cause they do not live it.
He offered to get my mom an iPad but I will be the one that gets phone calls at night when it is not working, I will be the one that has to listen to my father's mouth cause he does not get along with my aunt. If we lived in a perfect world sure would be nice for them to be together but we do not. Everyone in my family is quick to offer solutions but no one takes into account how it makes the caregiver feel.

The way the POA was written it was active the moment it was signed.
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Just because you won't caregive for the aunt regularly doesn't mean the aunt and your mother cannot see each other occasionally, especially if they both really want to and there's not something triggering the POA in your mom, such as a dementia.
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We really aren't a jury to judge you here.
I always try to caution the people who write questions on Forum that you cannot change anybody. So just as you cannot change the relatives and what they think and say, they cannot change you.
It is on you to explain to your Mom that you have no intention of supporting her in trying to help her sister at all. It is on your Mom to say what SHE thinks of you.
What we think is neither here nor there.
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It breaks my heart to see you doing everything in your power to keep apart two sisters who have known each other longer than they've known you. Based on what information you've supplied us, I feel like you're wielding the "power" in your power of attorney a little too aggressively.
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PeggySue2020 Feb 2022
I fully agree MJ, especially now that the OP has told us that she turned down an offer from this still working cousin for a new IPAD. This isn't a mandatory four-hour a week shift for her. It's just an iPad. Presumably the lady has an iPhone or some Phone, is phone monitoring next?

If the mom were bad enough to be in a facility, they'd still let her have a phone.
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Sounds like the social worker is taking the easy way out, trying to load care onto the family. Go around him/her, directly to local government resources for the disabled and elderly. Report your concern that there are two vulnerable people at risk and in need of more support than family give.

In this physical distancing age, there are many ways for your mom and aunt to visit remotely - Zoom, Google Meet; Facebook Portal... Perhaps one of those will work to give the sisters some face to face time.
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How old is your Mom? If she is competent to make decisions, your POA is not in effect. POA does not give you power over someone. Its a tool so you have the ability to help when its needed.

I think you have enough on your plate. I fully understand where you are coming from. It would not be Mom helping, it would be you.

I suggest you call APS. Ask that they go and evaluate the situation. Tell them that your immediate family cannot help him and why. Explain he is autistic and as such cannot be reasoned with. He and Mom need to be put on APS's radar. If something happens to ur Aunt, he is going to need help. Maybe a group home for the Autistic. I so hope your Aunt has set him up with services. Social Security Disability? Does he have a father, maybe contact him saying his son needs help maneuvering the system. Where I live there is an agency for those with Autism. It helps them live on their own and find services.

Your County should have a Disability Dept. Office of aging maybe able to help.

My new saying: I am here to show someone the way, not be the way.
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You cannot beat around the bush with someone who has autism. They do not understand social cues. They do best with direct messages.

The more you try to not sound "like a jerk" the harder it will be for you to get your message across to him.

You must be direct: "Cousin, I cannot help you take care of your mother. She needs more care than I or my mother can give and her needs are only going to increase. In my opinion, you and your mother need a lot of help from professionals who know how to manage these things. I can help you make arrangements with such professionals. What do you think about that?"

It would be a true act of kindness for you to help put in place a real plan for this man and his mother. Whatever you decide, I hope you consider taking a direct approach.
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Why does your autistic cousin not have a caseworker who can help put supports in place?

Say "no, we can't possibly do that".

Is your cousin getting public benefits? If so, there should be a SW or case manager involved. That's whose lap this needs to be in.
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Aidaisthisreal Feb 2022
He does have a case worker, and their advice and help has been try to get the family to help. His social worker even reached out to me and tried to sway me and explain his difficult position. I had to explain I get it, I use to work as a community guardian. Not my problem it is.
He even asked me to put a restraining order against my Aunt, so he has something to show her. My aunt does not believe him because she is not wrong, my mother did say she can come over anytime but that is not her call to make anymore.
Just like everywhere we have limited caregivers and she has no medical need. Medicaid and Medicare do not cover social companionship. Just the nature when the person has no skilled need or medically nesscary condition. My aunt does fall in the gray area of mental health concerns. Not much reliable support that can be put it place, even trying to place her would be rough sell from an insurance side. She has no skilled need, she has no negative behaviors, all she wants is to see her family. I know social workers do not want to put up with his type either, nothing will be good enough. The smell will get to them, they will look too much like a hospital, activities are limited, and the list goes on. She will also have to agree to such things she has not been deemed incapacitated yet.

Problem is I do not want to deal with it and because I have POA, what people do not get is what my mom wants is moot. I have to deal with the hassle while he gets 4 hours of peace on the weekend.
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