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As an ousider looking in, I can see both sides, letting her figure it all out, or helping her again if she needs it, as it's IS very hard to do, and very hard to shake it off that ONE LAST TIME, so when this situation explodes, and it probably will, Tinskter will know what to do, even if it means that she helps her to a safe place one more time.

In the meantime, enjoy your freedom, and hope for the best! I know that it must be incredibly hard to wait though, as that means that the bad blood continues and the majority of the family won't be in contact with Your Mom, but she did understand this going in, and if she is playing some sort of twisted game, further fracturing the family, that is so not cool! She definitely sounds Narcissistic in nature, and I would carefully decide how to proceed whan she come calling you for help this next time.

I'm so sorry you have been put in the middle of this very sad and emotionally draining situation with your Mom. You have done a lot for her, and have been abused time and time again. Its very hard to know when to call Uncle, when it's your Mom, and health and safety is your major concern. Only you know when that will be, but you have done an amazing job trying to help her thus far. Time to let her live with her own choices for a while! Take care!
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Tinkster, I would enjoy the moment and go through some worry-free time. You earned it. You and I are going through a lot of the same things where nothing makes sense, but we aren't able to control it. If my mother went to live with my brother, I would be singing "Thank God and Greyhound" all day long. Even if I knew one day that old bus might be heading back, I would enjoy the time I had. It's not cold yet, so maybe you can get out and enjoy the days while the air is still easy to breathe.

It may be that your mother is in the best place for her now. Maybe it is about giving you and your brother some respite time before the winter comes in. Enjoy it. You can worry about the rest later. ((((tinkster))))
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I understand that Mom is living next to BB from reading the posts. Perhaps she chose this because she aligns herself with him emotionally as well as physically. If he has erratic behavior and she does as well, maybe she feels like she gets along better with him. I don't know. I'm just throwing that out there. I agree that if she moved herself in and she chooses to, she can move herself out. Caring for someone who is sabotaging all efforts of Tinkster and GB, niece and all others is going to make THEIR behavior erratic. My daddy had a saying "one of these days you're gonna learn to butt with your own head". In other words, bear the consequences of actions she takes. Blessings to all. Yak.
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My long, well thought out post disappeared into the ether when I hit the POST button. LOL!

In a nutshell:

Thank you so much for all of the input and support. Here are the key points I wanted to make:

Mom, BB & Wife have NO idea what they're in for. There are so many things about caring for her that they have no clue about. The UTIs, the med hoarding, the suicide games, the lying, the playing one caregiver against the other. They don't realize what a big problem it will be for her to have access to a stove. Or that she can't safely bathe herself but won't accept help. Or that she refuses any home care assistance. She has been there three days now. I suspect it's getting... interesting.

What I am willing to do: If mom asks for MY help specifically to move back to an ALF, I will help her find a place. BB & Wife would need to physically move her. I will also continue to manage her money, pay her bills, etc. unless she removes me as POA. I believe she has better sense than to put either of my brothers in control of her money.

To the person who asked: Yes, I am a rescuer/fixer. Not by nature, but by design. That was my role in the family growing up. Mom was often incapacitated by the MS, and I had to take care of all of us. This started when I was 12. I grew into a very organized, driven, tenacious person with excellent project management skills. Go me.

For the person who asked: Mom has had MS for 50+ years. It affects her mobility, and I suspect cognitive involvement. Other than that, she has none of the usual maladies of someone who is 77 years old. No heart, sugar, blood pressure, pulmonary or other typical problems other than serial UTIs. She is, in fact, healthier than I am. I have advanced COPD with apnea overlap and CO2 retention. And some weird autoimmune thing that right now has my body covered in a blistery rash. Yay.

And yes, I am going to exhale and try to enjoy this time and try not to be on high alert as I have been for the past 15 months. I'm taking steps to improve my own health, and taking the time to be present in my own little family group. I am getting married in December, to someone who has been a best friend for over 50 years. We've been a couple since 2000, and engaged since 2007. He's a wonderful man... Kind, loving, gentle, brilliant, creative. We were made for one another like two puzzle pieces. I am so grateful to have him in my life.
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Yakmom: Super long story, but the short version is this:

My dad was abusive to my mom and me. When I was about 7 years old, my mom had a one-night fling with a guy (according to her). I believe she suspects BB is the product of that night. BB is an alcoholic (as was the fling-guy), and BB falls somewhere on the autism spectrum IMO, as well.

BB struggled in school, and my mom would do his homework. He got a paper route and she folded all his papers for him. She wouldn't let the school hold him back for any grades, either.

He exhibited head shaking and hand flapping. He would do bizarre things: One time my dad was taking me to a piano recital. BB wanted to go and was told he couldn't. So he bashed his head through a pane of glass in our french doors.

Mom feels guilt over the fling, guilt about the uncertain paternity of BB and guilt that she didn't "do something" about his "condition" when he was a kid. [Note: we never went to doctors unless a bone was sticking out or we had cut off a limb/digit]. I have told her for decades that back in the 1960s they wouldn't have been able to test/diagnose him anyway and to stop beating herself up over it.

So anyway, that is how he ended up being the Golden Child. No matter what I have ever accomplished in life, I never got the love and approval that he has always gotten. As much as that hurts on one level, I also realize that my quest for love and approval helped me to accomplish some pretty awesome things in my life, and I have finally learned to work like that for my OWN satisfaction and not in pursuit of something external.
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Snotty comment that I can't contain: Mom protected BB from everything and still does. Too bad she wouldn't protect me from my dad beating the crap out of me all the time.
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SO much of this story echoes my own experiences, and that of my best friend who is currently going through the 9 circles of hell with her own crazy narcissic mother. My friend calls and calls and cries and cries, saying "I am DONE. I am DONE, listen to what she did now..." and nothing ever changes. I tell her to concentrate on her own trainwreck of a life, that her mother (who is 94, sharp as a razor blade, and the very model of a narcissic user) has several other offspring she can call....oh no, oh no, it's all on my friend, every day, sometimes 3 times a day! ....well, tinkster, good luck to you, I will be interested to see what happens.
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Tinkster, hoping that the autoimmune thing will subside when the stress does. Good luck with your coming marriage!
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The stress caregiving puts on the body can last for up to three years after caregiving ends.
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Thanks again, everyone. I'm sure I don't have to tell any of your how wonderful it is to have a place to talk about this that's outside of the family and that's a safe place.

Got phone call #2 from my mom yesterday afternoon (9/30). All sweetness and light. She withdrew $5,000 from her savings account the other day. I didn't bring it up on this call, but I would really like to be able to note what it was for. I keep scrupulous notes on every deposit/withdrawal with an eye towards any Medicaid lookback in the future. I suspect it was withdrawn so she could make some sort of payment towards her trailer. She told me sometime last month that the down payment had to be a money order or cashier's check.

When we were on the phone, she said, "Your brother says you are welcome to come visit me." I said, "Well, thank him, but you know I can't do that." And that was it. She knows I am afraid of him, and has known since all this started that I wouldn't be going to visit her while she's living with him. Still, it felt awkward and made me feel like a horrible person.

I'm so tired in every possible way. I don't feel like I have any control over any aspect of my life anymore. I will tell you what I fantasize about, but shhhhhh! Don't tell anyone. I think about packing up my little box of keepsakes, my laptop, my Kindle and my dog, and running away. Going where no one knows me and just living my life. I work remotely, so I can do my job from anywhere.
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Good Morning, tinkster. You are doing very well responding to your mum like that and staying out of it. She will try playing the "happy family" game for a while, but that will break down. You are NOT a horrible person. Be proud of yourself that you are maintaining healthy boundaries. She knew what your position was when she moved there and she is just pushing your buttons creating FOG - fear, guilt and obligation. Please see it for what it is - a manipulation designed to make you feel bad, so you are more likely to do things her way.

Of course you are tired. This stuff is crazy making and exhausting. However, you do have control over your life, just not over hers. Please make that distinction. Your life is separate to hers and you can make decisions for yourself that she does not like. She makes many decisions for herself that you do not like. So be it. I totally understand the fantasy about running away. I have had it more than once myself. But do take that wonderful man with you and build a life for yourselves without the mama drama.

You do not have to continue to be POA if it is too hard on you. You can resign. All it takes is putting it in writing and getting that to her. I have considered it seriously myself. Thankfully mother is past the trouble making phase now. The stress does affect our health and you have a serious health condition which is impacted by stress. Up to 40% of caregivers die before the ones they care give. Think seriously about what is good for you. You do NOT have to sacrifice yourself in the altar of your mother's mental illness.

Focus on you and your loved one and building a life that is good for you. Spend less and less time concerned with your mother whether it is doing things for her or thinking about her and her problems. How about setting a time limit on thinking/worrying about her. Give your self so many minutes a day (maybe 30 mins) for this then change your line of thought. It can be done but has to be intentional and takes effort. That is taking and having control over your life and you can do it and probably should. You can plan your own time as you wish, you can "kick her out of your head". It takes work by replacing those thoughts of her with something better, and almost anything will be better. Develop any hobbies you have, read those books you wanted to, or try those recipes, go for walks, have coffee with friends - you get the idea. Detach from her and her unhealthy ways. She will suffer the consequences of her decisions and that is good and not your problem, I agree with babalou - she made her bed, let her lie in it. You don't have to rescue her.

Bottom line - take care of you first. Start today, right now, and feel the freedom. ((((((hugs)))))) and blessings.
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Under the circumstances, which are that you cannot visit your mother at her home because her home is with a brother whom you are afraid of, I think you should seriously consider stepping down as her POA.

You would not need to find a replacement POA. You would just need to serve her with notice that you are done. If an attorney drew up the POA, send a copy of your resignation to the attorney.

What good is being your mentally ill mother's POA doing for you? Your body seems to be screaming at you that this is no longer working for you.
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Tons of good advice in there, golden23! I'd never heard of FOG before, and I didn't realize that so many caregivers' lives ended before those of the people they care for. Egads. That should tell us something, right?

I have gotten three calls from my mom since she moved from the ALF. One the Monday after she moved. One a couple of weeks ago asking me how she could get proof of income (Social Security) for the place she's buying the mobile home from, then a follow up call later that day on the same topic.

Other than that, not a peep from her. I continue to oversee her accounts, and there have been no red flags other than this morning, when I saw a checking account deposit from her investment account for $2,000. Which she didn't need. She has plenty of money in her checking and savings.

So I called her financial guy. He and I have gotten to know one another over the past year and a half. I've keep him in the loop regarding mom's situation and my concerns. He's concerned, as well, and has brought his office manager into the loop. This is a large investment firm, and they know what they're doing.

Turns out my mom called him and told him she needed $2,000. He did ask her what it was for, and she said that it's for appliances for her mobile home. It seemed like a reasonable amount for that, and he was able to send it out of her available cash and not have to liquidate anything. Interestingly, she specifically told him not to tell me. That kind of crushed me momentarily, but more about that later.

I asked him what would happen if she started making large withdrawals or cashing things in. He is aware that she has plenty of money in savings and checking. He said that they have flagged her account for the potential of financial elder abuse, and that they have a process in place if they have any reason to believe that is taking place.

I was pretty relieved about that, as I was worried that would fall to me, should it become an issue.

As for mom asking him not to tell me... Yeah, I was pretty crushed for a moment or two. Of her three children, I am the only one who is financially solvent. The only one never to need or ask for a bailout. I have stood by her and done everything I could for her. I've wrecked my own physical and mental health for her.

I really think she gets off on the drama and sneaking around and secret-keeping.

Anyway, my point is this: Little things like her "don't tell my daughter" comment about the $2K and the fact that she doesn't call me are just helping me to harden my heart a bit, which is what I've desperately needed.

Truth be told, I am relieved that bad brother and his wife stepped up and are taking responsibility for her care. I know I've done all I could in that regard, as did good brother and his daughter. I don't mind being a watchful eye to be sure that mom's bills get paid, that she's not been double-charged on a credit card and that bad brother and wife can't take advantage of her without being spotted right away.

I would much rather be doing this than dealing with the daily battles. And while I secretly hope mom gives bad brother at least as much trouble as she gave us, if it does end up working out for all of them... Well, I'm glad about that, of course.

At the end of the day, I've come to realize several things:

First, this is NOT how healthy mother/daughter relationships are. Our relationship has never been healthy, no matter how I tried to rationalize it in my mind. She doesn't know how to be a mom. Never did. That makes me sad for both of us.

Secondly, no matter what, I don't deserve the way I've been treated. More importantly, the way I've been treated has nothing to do with me and everything to do with my mom and her "issues". Again, sad for both of us.

Thirdly, even though I've been indoctrinated to believe otherwise, I do not owe my mom my life. Yes, she gave birth to me, but I was an accident perpetrated by two teenagers and she has never let me forget it. She apparently feels my birth stole her life from her, and I guess her plan was to make me pay forever. Well, I've redirected my energies back to my own life, health and relationships.

That said, I have a birthday coming up in a couple of weeks, and I'm getting married mid-December to my lifelong friend. I will be 60, and we have been close friends since I was in 1st grade. We became a couple 16 years ago, were engaged 9 years ago, and we're finally making it official.

My job is very demanding, and I came very close to losing it because of the mom stuff over the past 18 months. I'm trying to refocus on that, as it's a really awesome job and I'm good at it.

All of this makes me glad that I never became a mother. I am terrified that the way my mom is is genetic and I would hate to be that kind of mother to my kids.
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I am so glad to read that your mother is (mostly) leaving you alone. ! Best wishes for your upcoming wedding in December!
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Happy Birthday, tinkster! And congratulations on the upcoming wedding. You might keep the date somewhat quiet so that no mama-drama interferes (you know the don't tell her about the money transfer was bogus since you are financial POA!). Invites already having been sent I assume so that no follow up happens that would require the brother and SIL bring her.....I just told my husband that in-laws are not invited unless *I* specifically do so. We get together with them separately since MIL and FIL cannot be trusted to behave themselves in social gatherings (narcissists both).
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I should have mentioned that we're not doing a full-blown wedding kind of thing. We're simply getting married. I may take the day after off from work.

I am dreading the holidays. My family is very small, consisting of both brothers and my mom. That's it. My partner's family consists of a brother, his wife and two grown daughters. They don't live local to us. Now that mom is cloistered with bad brother and good brother has declared his life to be a "Christmas-free zone", it looks like we'll be on our own this year.

Not that it's very different from most of the past, but I sure had high hopes things would get better. Last year, mom and good brother came over from next door on Christmas Eve. We had a very nice time.

For the record, that was the second time my mom had ever been in my house since I moved in 14 years ago. I guess that says something, especially considering she lived next door to me for over six months.

Things I think I need to learn to accept:
1) This family has always been broken.
2) Continuing to work towards creating the family I thought I had is ridiculous
3) I need to stop taking responsibility for all of it and get on with my life
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Tinkster, I'm going to make a suggestion. Find an organization that does some kind of Christmas event for folks who are homeless/poor/without family. Spend the day cooking for them/serving meals, or delivering food to homebound folks. Find someway to pass on your love and joy. It will rebound to you, I promise.
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Christmas and especially Thanksgiving have always been stressful, sorrowful times for me (in the last 30 years. Somewhat better when I was a child, of course, but since I got married, not much fun!) . My family has dwindled down to me, husband, and grown daughter. (A brother livng across country and another brother living in a group home. Both of them out of the holiday picture.) I do agree, find something to do outside of the house (though organizations are generally SWAMPED by eager volunteers on holidays. It's the rest of the time they can use a break, too!) Or do something fun just for yourself and your husband, ignore the whole awful business, go on a trip. Go on a cruise, to a casino, on a road trip, to the Caribbean, to the beach for a week. Godforbid if I am ever widowed, I will sell the house tout de suite, and then go on a couple of dream trips and skip the whole depressing holidays here.
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Babalou, I always give back with my time throughout the year and during the holidays, as I'm able.

Lassie, getting away would probably be a good idea. Not sure we can swing it (depends on house sitter's availability, work schedules, weather, my health, etc.) but who knows... We used to travel the world together for our business, and the appeal of it kind of waned over the years.

When I asked good brother about his refusal to even attend holiday meals this year, he said something about --- Well here is a copy and paste from his email:

"No, I'm done with Christmas and other holidays. I will observe Passover, however. I have to be true to my beliefs, so I cannot cherry pick aspects of the holidays to suit my desires or the expectations of cultural customs. I won't be attending Christmas Eve nor Christmas Day Dinner with anyone, either, but thanks for the invite. I hope everyone respects my conviction on this, as to avoid the awkwardness of giving gifts back to people, which I will do.

I'm just completely not indulging in any aspects of the holidays which includes the related meals. I'm actually not even consuming any Halloween candies anymore. Your one brother is a felon and your other brother is a weirdo. However, we have the rest of the year to hang out and indulge."

Passover? He's not Jewish. :-) I think that year of taking care of mom has broken something in him. Seriously.
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Sounds like dementia, have a mental exam done by her dr alot of drs or his/her rn with elderly patients will talk to you in private or on the phone (you may have to get a hippa form signed tho) about her. Being safe is very important and a good dr will work with you about doing whatever it takes to do so. I care for hubby's gram and have talked for 45min to her drs rn about health of her and more so about me her caregivers are useless if they aren't taken care of too.I am also raising 3 kids plus her and her dogs and mine too it can be trying and they are stubborn good luck
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I'm pretty sure my mom doesn't have dementia, but maybe you meant my brother :-) LOL!
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Tinkster - !

Er. In what *way* is your brother going to observe Passover?

Are you sure he's not pulling your leg?
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I'm absolutely sure he's not pulling my leg. I said, "Isn't Passover a week-long Jewish festival/holiday in spring?" He said, "Yes, it's in the spring. I'm still learning more about it....well, learning more about everything, to be more accurate."

He didn't do the traditional Christmas stuff (or any holiday stuff, really) when his kids were growing up. No tree. No Easter Bunny. And definitely no trick-or-treating. He would always come over if we were having dinner, opening gifts, stuff like that for Christmas. I thought he had left that stuff behind him. Again, maybe it was the rough year with my mom that has weirded him up again.

And now I have no one left. lol
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There's nothing weird or unusual about anyone who chooses not to indulge in the financially oriented rituals that some holidays have become. Your brother, and any one else, has the right to choose how he celebrates or doesn't celebrate holidays. And I would respect him for it.

It often takes someone with a strong character to resist being sucked into the spending orgy of holidays.
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I agree regarding the spending aspect of it. But not having dinner, just the three of us? And then talking about "observing Passover" when he's not Jewish? I'm just saying it seems odd. His daughter just told me that his response to her was "Did you know that you can rearrange the letters in 'Santa' to spell 'Satan'? And that's no accident."

Of course everyone can do what they like for the holidays. And for every other day, as well. I'm just saddened because this was already going to be a rough holiday season, and now my last relative is bailing in an odd, to me, way.
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Aw, tinkster, that IS sad, to not celebrate Christmas at all or help others celebrate it. I suspect he just avoids the emotions of unmet expectations by reusing and even demonizing the whole thing to avoid feeling guilty for his non-participation. The decorating, gifts and holiday meal part can be fun if its not all overblown, but the real delight for me at Christmas is Midnight Mass. The religious meaning of Christmas is the Feast of the Incarnation, and the birth of mercy into this sorry old world of ours. I hope you can find a way to celebrate that means something to you, and maybe even find a way to join your brother on his spiritual learning quest. Passover has some pretty profound meanings as well.
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Um, Tinkster, I don't want to get dramatic, but are you sure he's okay?

It just sounds a bit bonkers, that's all. I mean, I'm wholly, absolutely in agreement with people's choosing what to celebrate (or not) and how, yes of course; but finding out about lots of things? Telling his daughter that the Santa anagram is significant? Thinking Passover hasn't been hi-jacked by commerce? (are you kidding??? Kosher for Passover certified sugar. I ask you!)

I am still looking for an Advent calendar that is about the coming of Christ and not the coming of Santa in chocolate form, so I do sympathise with his protest against the commercial exploitation. But as you say, what's that got to do with getting together?

It all does sound as though he's going through some pretty turbulent emotions do you think?
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vstefans and Churchmouse both nailed it, in my opinion. Churchmouse, if this wasn't a repeat of how he was all the years his kids were growing up, I would be super-worried. As it is, I'm kind of wondering if this past 18 month dealing with mom has made him "regress" to those old days or something.

I know he is the "good brother", but that's a comparative statement. His kids never had a Christmas tree, he wouldn't let them trick-or-treat, they never got gifts for ANYTHING. It's not like they went to church or anything, either. There just simply were no holidays or special days in that house.

Now that they are grown with kids of their own, a lot of that has come back to bite him. My niece includes him in holidays and things, and until now, he has more or less participated. Of course she had told him clearly that if he tries to poop on their festivities in any way, he is out. And if he tries to brainwash her kids the way he did with her and her brother, there won't be anymore one-on-one time with his grandkids.

My brother's son pretty much just ignores his existence.

It's sad. But I'm moving forward with my own stuff. I was raised in such a guilt-laden environment that my biggest struggle will be to allow myself to be happy and enjoy the season knowing there is such darkness and sadness in my family. I refuse to hang on to the guilt and sadness and worry the way my mom always has. She clutched it to her heart and fed it every day. Now she has no control over it and she's unhappy every moment of her life.

That's not for me.
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So my partner and I settled in to watch some TV last night. We both had the weekend off, which is a rarity. I have a particularly rough work week coming up this week, and with everything else going on, it was just nice to chill together a little. We were ten minutes into a TV show, and the phone rang. The caller ID came up on the TV screen with a phone number and the little town name where mom is now living.

I had an actual "deer in the headlights" moment. Was it mom? Was it BB calling to say something had happened? What do I do? If I don't answer, I'll have to sit here and listen live to any message that is left. Do I answer? Can I handle one more bit of bad news or negativity right now?

I picked up the phone. It was my mom calling me from her place on her just-installed landline. She was 100% upbeat and happy sounding. She talked to me as though we talked every day, as we used to do for 35 years when she lived far away. She was telling me how nice her place is and how excited she is to have me come visit. She was all happy that she gets to watch TV all day. Which was, ironically, her second biggest complaint about the ALF: That all she did was watch TV all day. Complaint #1 was the cost, even though she has plenty of money.

I was shell-shocked. I really didn't know what to say to her. I mostly ended up saying "That's nice" or "That's good".

Now keep in mind I haven't heard a peep from her since October 3rd and here it was October 30th. She was VERY aware of that, and proactively said, "I am so glad to have a phone again, and my address book (which she keeps in her purse, BTW). I haven't been able to call anyone." Well, she was able to call me on the 3rd when she needed my help. And she was able to call her investment guy to withdraw $2,000 from her investment account last week and tell her account manager not to tell me (See my October 6th post).

She did ask how I was doing. I told her that I have a couple of Dr.'s appointments this Friday and one on Monday to finally pick up my VPAP equipment. I have REALLY bad sleep apnea combined with my COPD, and I stopped driving alone after dozing off at a red light and awaking to a police officer tapping my car window

On the call last night, she kept saying how much she wants me to come visit her and see her place. I reminded her that I'm really not driving until I get settled in with my VPAP equipment and am not so sleepy all the time.

I am sure I will go visit her. Just not yet, and not just because of the driving issue, of course. I feel like I need to recover more from all of this first, and to be frank, I feel like I need to set some boundaries for our relationship or something before any visits take place. Things like "I'll be happy to come visit you, mom, but just you. You know I'm uncomfortable around bad brother and his wife".

I want her to be safe and happy and as healthy as possible. I can tell from her financial transactions that she has gotten set up with a new doctor, has gotten her prescriptions re-issued/filled. She wanted this current setup (trailer next door to bad brother and spouse) and she made it happen, and she seems to be happy for the moment. Bad brother doesn't work, so he will be close by if he's needed. Provided he doesn't drink and doesn't start breaking womens' arms and beating them up, maybe this will all work out.
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Oh tinkster. They have an unerring timing don't they? Just when you relax... The - not calling then calling and pretending that all is normal - is common part of the dysfunctional relationship. Also lying about not being able to call. I may remember wrong but I thought you had said you would not visit as she was so close to bad bro. Think about it. If you did go and BB was there what would you do? I agree set some strong boundaries. As you say, if BB behaves it may work, but I would not count on it yet. Be sure to look after you whatever happens.
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