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I've been in this position myself. My mother died, and my dad is suffering from dementia. I had promised him I would never lie to him, so when it was clear momma was dieing, I took daddy to see her and gave them some time together. I took daddy to the funeral, where he broke down. When we got back home he wouldn't get out of bed or eat for a week. We almost lost daddy too. Then, he just didn't remember, and began going on with life as usual. I realized that I couldn't keep telling him the bad news, and having him breaking down and greiving every day, so I had to lie. He asks each day how she is, and I tell him she's really peaceful today, or is doing well, or something like that. In the beginning it was the hardest thing I ever had to do...to say momma was fine, when all I wanted to do was break out crying. But, there is no way I could have daddy tortured over and over. So, it turned out to be the best way. He's happy when he hears she's ok. So, if you fear she will be grieving over and over, I'd suggest to hide that bad news from her. Hope this helps! Good luck!
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i am very sorry this happend well what i am about to tell you might make you cry if you have pictures and memories of him just think about it act like he is right next to you imaginehim talking to you pray every day and talk to him while your praying or act like he is invisable and talk to him justsit next to a best friend that you can trust and cry tell her or him how u feel maybe that will help dont be afraid to cry it all out
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Onlydaughter16,
I wonder if your mom would NOT go to the funeral since it's here in the States, but instead have a memorial for your dad there in Japan with some close friends that you both could attend instead? That way she wouldn't have to do the flying thing, but you'd still have to tell her about his death. Maybe tell her it's too late for the funeral in the U.S., but that you have an alternative. Sorry about your dad.
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I myself would not tell unless she asked if he had died-she may on some level know he is not comming back -she probably would not remember for very long even if you told her-I would not take her to the funeral it may be too much for her if you could have someone take pictures of it to keep for yourself and future generations that would be great-good luck but in this case I would do what your heart tells you to do and not worry about. I had to tell my grand-daughter when she was 11 that her aunt -who was a triplelet of her Mom and uncle- was very ill and it was hard but she was on life suppoer because they were unable to find the parents who were on vacation-and my husband was very angery with me but I did what I thought was best and refused to feel bad about and she did go the next day to say good-by to her aunt and I never regreated my decision.
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My mom woke me up one morning frantic because she couldn't find Dad. He had been gone for almost a year I believe. It was heart wrenching. Fortunately that has only happened once. I would say if someone grieves each time they are told their spouse is gone, the compassionate thing to do is say they went out of town or to the store...something like that. I hate lying but sometimes it may be the best thing to do. However, I do feel the parent should be told when it actually does happen. It's only fair and right in my opinion. The one exception would be if the news would be dangerous to their health. For example, a lot of stress can be a factor in a stroke. I don't know. It's an individual case-by-case thing I guess. Carol, I think you are right. OnlyDaughter, my thoughts and prayers are with you.
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We have to choose to not feel bad or guilty about decisions we make when our intentions are good and we think we are doing what is right. Our jobs are hard enough without us shoulding ourselves and feeling guilty. Even if we make mistakes and/or use poor judgment in our decision, guilt does not help. It is poison. And, as we all know, no one is perfect. Finding this site is such a God send for me. There are decisions I have made in the past that I wish I could have gotten opinions from all of you. Bless you all.
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You are so right. We won't always make the right decisions, but we try to do so with the knowledge we have. It's wonderful to have you on this site, Miz.
Carol
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Onlydaughter16 how are you and what did you decide to do? I am curious as to how you decided to handle things. Please keep us informed.
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perhaps just give her one favorite picture of her beloved to keep close in a drawer that she can stumble across time to time - offer it to her and ask her to give it a kiss. you might have to get the pic out yourself once in awhile but again offer it to her and have her give it a kiss or hold it to her cheek .. keep it simple but tender, always love unconditionally.
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well if you tell her maybe she will pay you attention and believe you or if she is really mentally ill (totally dement) she won't react. everything depend on her mental status when you tell her. maybe she will reacts and cry out or she stays like nothing happened. if you think that she is going to understand it , do it, but if you think that she is going to cry out and become depressed, don't tell her. you can tell her mom, do you remember dad? he passed away. and that's it. don't tell her all the details of how he died.
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Should I tell my mother that my father has died?

They were married for 32 years before they divorced. Mother always struggled with the divorce and that my dad remarried. He died last week at 89 years old. Mother is 90 and is suffering from dementia. She still cares for him deeply. The day that I found out that he was gravely ill, Mother asked if Dad was still alive. She had never asked that before! She now asks about him approx. every 2 days. Should I tell her and have her suffer through the grief only to forget ask once again? Should I tell her again?

My sister who is her caregiver thinks we shouldn't tell her. I am so conflicted. I don't know what to do. My insides tell me to tell her, but my sister lives with her and so doesn't she have the right to decide?

Any ideas? I love her so much. I want to do what is best for her and my sister!
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My Dad pased six years ago. Mom recognizes this but has dreams that he is talking to her. She is confused about that. She has only a few months left. Is this normal?
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bbrook, I see no reason to keep telling your mother that your father is gone again and again. I think the kind thing to do is tell her a "fiblet" such as he had to go out of town on business, if she would believe that sort of thing. Anything that she would believe that your father might be doing such as going to the store. It must be very hard for her and on her to keep learning of his death over and over again. I may be wrong but that is what I think.

kjmackay, yes I do believe that what your mom is doing is normal. It might comfort her that he talks to her in dreams.

miz
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Bbrook, This is just my nonprofessional opinion, but I think you and your sister should tell your mother that he has died, and any details that might comfort her. "It was a short illness" or "this puts an end to suffering he has been going through" -- whatever fits. Perhaps at that time the three of you could share some memories of your father. After that one conversation, if she asks how he is and it is obvious that she doesn't remember he is dead, I don't think I would keep repeating it. Say something vague like "the last time I talked to him he sounded OK." I think that 1) she does deserve to know, and 2) there is also no need to repeat the painful information over and over. I hope that you and your sister can discuss this, respecting each other's wish to treat your mother kindly, even if you disagree about how to do that.

My mother and I and a cousin visited my demented aunt (cousin's mother). She knew exactly who we were and how we fit together in the family picture. She has almost no short term memory. After visiting a while she asked whether my father had come to visit too. My mother was quite surprised and said, "Ralph died 8 years ago." This clearly upset my aunt. "Oh no, girl! Why wasn't I told? That is awful. I am so sorry." We got past that and went on visiting. Two sentences later aunt asked "Did Ralph come with you on this trip?" and we went through the same thing again. Once she asked he daughter, "Why didn't we go to the funeral?" and her daughter said, "We did, Mom." The whole visit was very upsetting to my aunt and to my mother. If I were in a similar situation again, I would say, each time, "Dad couldn't come with us this time." Why distress two wonderful elderly ladies with "the truth"?

I don't think that there is a "right" answer to your question. If you and your sister cannot come to an agreement, you could settle it by flipping a coin, or by deferring to her wishes since she lived with Mom. Neither one of you should stew over it and play the "what if/if only" games. Somehow decide, carry out the decision. and don't beat yourself or each other up over it.
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I think it depends on what level of dementia she is at. My grandmother had alzheimers and in a nursing home. My father, her son-in-law and one of her daughters died within a month of each other and we decided not to tell her. Why upset her for a couple of minutes and then she would forget it. Most of the time she didn't know who we were.
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