My wife is currently in hospital as I can no longer care for her at home. Her lung cancer has spread to her bones and she is not getting better. She wants to go home and my step son keeps telling her she can, yet I can not properly care for her there anymore. How do I respond to this without being the "badguy"?
Also, blended families can sometimes create confusion in these situations... been there, done that with my husband's step families on both sides.
You don't say how old your wife is. It is possible she is having hospital delirium or sundowning, and this is why she is asking to go home. They are referring to their childhood home, not their current one.
My Aunt with dementia started leaving to "go home" every single afternoon like clockwork, even though she was living in the house she shared with her sister since 1975. She wanted to go to the Bronx, where she was raised.
A thought, will she beable to stay in the hospital or are you going to need to transfer her to a nursing facility? You may want to talk to an Elder Lawyer about having assets split and Medicaid taking over when wife's split is gone. You do not want her illness to break you financially.
Need to talk to the SSon and ask him to stop telling her she will be going home. It won't happen because her care has gone beyound your ability to care for her. Your burnt out. If he is willing to do her care, then describe what that entails, then he can bring her home. It means 24/7 care because u can not do it any longer. He will be on his own,
Then, I would call her son out and tell him that he is making this harder then it has to be, not like it's not hard enough already and to stop telling his mom that she can go home. That is unless he plans on taking her into his home and hiring the 24/7 caregivers and being the boots on the ground caregiver when nobody shows up for their shift.
I am so sorry that you are losing your wife and that her son is making it harder. May The Lord.give you all peace, comfort and guidance during this difficult time.
My dad's DNR went missing from the fridge. We all know who took it, we had to call the doctor get a new one, which was one more thing we didn't need to worry about.
Good luck with everything, your wife will be at peace soon, don't worry about being the bad guy, you are doing the best that you can do, in a very hard situation
Your stepson is looking at this situation from a different perspective. He sees a mom who wants to be in her own home and is most likely thinking emotionally instead of logically.
I think that I would be inclined to tell him that as much as you would like for your wife to be satisfied, it simply isn’t feasible for you to accommodate her in your home.
Also, stress the importance of her being near doctors and hospital staff to ensure that she receives the best care possible.
Have you contacted hospice care for your wife? They will provide the entire family with a social worker to help with these issues. If you or your family are religious they will provide clergy as well.
Wishing you peace as you continue on in this difficult time.
I hope she is on Hospice.
Tell stepson that you cannot prevent what he says to his Mom, but that giving her false belief she will be coming home is in the end being cruel to her.
Tell your wife the honest truth, that you can no longer provide safe care for her, that you will be visiting and arranging care for her, and that you will continue to do the best you can for her.
As to being the bad guy? He will make you what comforts him most. Often in grief we wish to have someone to level anger on. A doctor. A facility. A stepdad. Just about anyone or anything will do. Continue to provide her with love and him with understanding and kindness and sympathy.
Perhaps you can say that your wife needs to be where there are nurses to take care of her . You are making sure your wife gets the care she needs .
You are not a bad guy.
Have you spoken to your step-son about this? Is he simply trying to comfort her? Or does he believe you have an obligation to provide hands on care?
Is hospice part of this discussion? If not, it should be.
Who is her Medical power of attorney?
Does she have the funds to hire full time care at home for the duration of her life?