Is there someone out there to take care of me?

PatsyTruadt, like you, I would be lost without my faith. It also helps to know what is within my control and what is outside of my control. Growing oder as a caregiver means I worry less because advanced caregiving is all about advanced acceptance, at least for me that is how my caregiving journey has evolved. I am touched as I read everyone's posts on this page. Your posts remind me that even though we may feel alone, when we have such a supportive community of fellow caregivers we are never alone. It is like being surrounded by a host of witnesses to the truth. Live strong, caregivers. There is tremendous strength in vulnerability.

Queenie0327 -
can you please give us some details on what constitutes "mean" and what behaviors or emotions you define as not "calm". No one can assume they know what you are talking about, so please share the details with us & we will try to help. As an example -

is mean physical, such as pinching or hitting; or is it emotional such as hurtful words? Is it a combination?

We have all been there - so if you detail what is happening we can give you constructive advice.

here are a very few examples of outside things contributing to "meaness" :
adult diapers that are too tight around her legs.
dental pain.
urinary tract infection (which can cause altered consiousness)
constipation
medication mix - or side effects
wrong time schedule for her circadian rythms
fear - as Carol suggested.

take care & write back soon

Daddy'sgirl, I am new to this, but I have been a caregiver most of my life in one way or another. I once in a while think the way you are. I take time and talk with God and then I take time for myself. I understand about the husband thing as well. I have a husband and an ex-husband that are the same person. He has been through quite an ordeal himself. I try to take care of him, but when it comes right down to it. We need to remember that God has put us in that place for a reason. Nothing is ever hopeless. What other support do you have? Do you have a sibling or a close friend to confide in? I have always found that getting support from outside is always a great help.
PatsyTraudt

what are the stages of dementia? what can you do about his thinking its morning but really ist night. miak

HI CAROL, YOUR ALWAYS A HELP TO EVERYONE THAT COMES HERE. ITS JUST SO SCARY TO WHATCH YOUR PARENT OR SPOUCE CHANGING RIGHT BEFORE OUR EYES WITH REALLY NOTHING WE CAN DO, BUT CRY ALOT. I FIND MYSELF CRYING ALL THE TIME OVER STUFF THAT WOULD HAVE NEVER BEFORE BOTHERED ME. NOW IN SENCITIVE TO EVERYTHING AROUND ME.

TRACY

Queenie
Something that worked when I was a nurse when a pt. would ask the same question over and over again like what time is it I would ask them the question they had just asked me and many times they could tell me the answer and would not repeat the question for a while.

Hi Patty,
I know it doesn't always make sense, but agreeing with her when you can helps. She believes what she sees and says and remembers - to her that is fact. So, even though your reality is different than hers, and you know that what she says is wrong, if at all possible, agree with her. If you can't do that - say she's saying she wants to go home and she IS home, sometimes is helps to say, "Let's get in the car and take you home." Then drive around a couple of blocks and say, "Here we are." Distraction works a lot. Agreeing works often. Sometimes, though, you just have to tough it out. But arguing will only make the situation more stressful for both of you. Yes, I know it's hard. It won't always work. But, these are suggestions.

Carol

My Name is Patty I'm staying with a 78 yr old. She has 2 stage of demancha and gets very mean sometimes is their anythink Ican do to make her not so mean and keep her clam at the same time?

Talking about these issues helps. None of us can really solve another's problems, but we can suggest and support, and most of all, we can help break the isolation and feeling of being the only one who has these problems. This group is so supportive, and that is helping many people. Hang in, everybody and keep checking in.

Carol

Lynn I wish you well, I am sure in time others will see what you notice in your husband my husband is forgetful but so far it is only me that notices, please keep us informed it must be very worriesome esp. since he will not go for test and there are meds out now that do help slow it down-I will pray for you and hope the people here will be of some comfort to you,

Marilee I am so sorry for all you are going through I wish I could help but all I can do is to encourage you to keep in touch and my concerns and my friendship and will look out for your postings we all will help you as much as we can. and girlfriend you are not selfish you are the only one trying to cope he could be more helpful and I hope more spouses come on board, sometimes placement is the hard answer and only you know when it is time-I am trying to put it off but had to cut down the number of hrs we have our aide -he understood why I had to do it but his wife would not accept it so I called the agency and got another aide for the two 5 hr days we want- I feel bad we really liked the first aide but we had to do what was right for us and I had cut everything I could.

It.s hard reading about life with the one you love in desperate need and to think back when my dad would not go to the doctor unless I took him and my brother lived in town near him. I was living in another country at the time dad passed away. I have spent more time in the air traveling to get dad to go to the doctor the last two years he was alive. I'm glad I did it. I was a daddy's girl and he trused me. My mother was very nasty to me and dad the last two years of his life. Now I'm taking care of mother. My husband has been there for me through it all. Now I'm seeing signs of Alzheimers in my husband. I'm scared, but take one day at a time. He want go for testing. I pray he will before it gets worse.

You are not selfish. He needs care and you need to take care of yourself, as well. Keep coming back to tell us how you are doing and what you decide.
Carol

oh,,[crying] it is so nice to see someone else going through what I am. My husband had three heart attacks in 2003 and I never got to go back to work. He was abusive verbally while "playing around with neighbors". Recently he got really sick and had to have brain surgery for bleeding..while in hospital he could talk and walk and he actually blacked my eye. I just started school in two places to return to work and pay some of the bills. Now there are more bills. I had him moved to a rehabilitation center for 20 days while I moved to a cheaper place and went to school. On last Saturday he signed himself out and now I am supposed to care for him, go to school, and fight all night[he sleeps all day]. I can put him back but it will cost $200 a day and we really do not have that money..also they will take his check that I need to move on the Nov 3rd. Honestly if things don't improve as soon as we move if he does not improve I am seriously thinking of putting him in there permanently. He is 62 and the bleeds will reoccur over and over. I am sorry if I sound selfish. I really am not..just so exhausted.
marilee

Life is a cruel shock for many of us who were raised to think a man would be there to at least help us along the journey. Then we find we are the caregivers and the sole providers to keep a roof over our heads, care for our children and/or often the husband.

Often ill people won't do what they are capable of, and that isn't good for them. A wife/mother will do it, they figure. But then they get more helpless. Then, like Austin, we have to get stern and we hate having to do that.

There's often a lot of manipulation going on with the sick person, and there's only so much a caregiver can take. It's good to get outside help. However, I know my elders would wait for me to do the thngs "the way they liked them." Of course, I would! Then, I became indispensible. It can be a vicious circle.

Hang in, Ladies. Keep communicating. You do help each other.
Carol

At last another spouse caring for a spouse-thank the good Lord- My husband will probably come home from the hospital today or tomarrow at the latesse. H e has gone back to verbably abuseing and refuseing to dress himself-I guess I will have to become a b----again and not fall for his crying and make him do things. Daddysgirl please vent your feelings to me what are his limitations- is he able to do anything for himself, My husband plays games he calls himself a cripple even though he can get in and out of bed into a wheelchair and can walk with crutches and is able to get his braces on his legs and shoes and is able to get a simple meal together but wants to be waited on hand and foot and actually cries like a 3 year old when his needs are not met-and tells me he hates me one min. and loves me other times, I also feel helpless most of the time. H e really needs to be placed but I don't want a nursing home to get everything. I so pay for private aides three times a week for 5 hrs each-but he doesn't ask the aide to do much for him and wait until he has left to demand his needs-I have to constantly be the bad wife and remind him how much we aew paying the aide to sit around most of the time. Come to this site and maybe we can help each other very often we can see others opions better than our own-take care dear lady and God bless.

OH, DADDYSGIRL IM SO SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR HUSBAND. I DONT NO WHAT I WOULD DO WITHOUT THE STRANGHTH OF MY HUSBAND. HE IS 14 YRS OLDER THEN ME AND IN THE BACK OF MY HEAD IM ALWAYS AFRAID. WHAT DO YOU DO FOR JUST YOU????? BECAUSE OF MY MOM, I TAKE LONG HOT BATHS, AT LEAST FOR 20 MINS YOU CAN TAKE CARE OF JUST YOU. I WISH THERE WAS A MAGIC WORD TO HELP YOU. DO YOU PUT YOUR HUSBAND IN SOME KIND OF DAY CARE FOR TIME OUT? TAKE CARE

TRACY