Is there someone out there to take care of me?

You gave an eloquent answer. I appreciate your wisdom (hard earned, to be sure) and know others do, as well.
Carol

Thank you Carol. I always appreciate what you say. And you are right about children making choices to care for their parents. It was a choice I made, and as I said I have no regrets. My dad was an unhappy person as long as I can remember, so why did it never really surprise me that he never appreciated anything done for him.In essence, I did what I did because I could.I really never had problems setting boundaries with him even if he didn't care or respect those boundaries. I couldn't MAKE him do anything, but when he became intolerable, I would tell him, I'm taking a time out. I didn't have to say why, he knew why. And to go into how "bad and wrong" he was, only played into his games. I would take as long as I needed, then I could handle the situation until the next time. He resented that I did that, but me being the caregiver did not make sense for ME to have the resentments. I wasn't going to spend years after his death trying to get my head straight. My experiences have taught me when elders act like this, they are afraid and feeling powerless. So, to them, causing constant chaos, talking ugly, being demanding, ect., helps them to not feel so powerless. My dad was afraid to die, and was very angry he could not bully God. So he tried to bully me instead. I have worked with elders who are kind and appreciative and then watch them treat their children horrible. If I had an answer, I would sure share it. Each one of us have to set our own boundaries, what works for me may not work for someone else. Sometimes nothing works. So, in the end, did I do my best? Did I have something left over for me? Was I honest with myself and with him?And it always comes down to this, people treat you the way you allow them to treat you. Instead of driving myself crazy trying to figure him out I used that brain energy to take care of myself. He did not control me. There were times I was angry, frustrated, well, just human. I survived my childhood and his second childhood. I learned alot about myself, my faith and that my best is good enough. I don't know if any of this helps anyone. But feel free to ask questions if I did not make myself clear. God Bless Us All.

Kdv216
Does your mother in law use the same pharmacy all the time-they should know what meds she takes and if they are being renewed as needed

kdn216, don't know if it will work for you, but as a caregiver to my Mom, I choose to be her patient advocate, which means that when she got tired of repetitively pricking herself in her finger to monitor her blood sugar levels, I gave her a break knowing that eventually I might be able to help her find it within herself to get back on track. Sometimes being a patient advocate means going with your loved one on each single one of her doctor's visits and not saying a single word, rather, actively listening before you ever try to help her and/or her doctor communicate better with each other. Sometimes, instead of disclosing something your loved one doesn't wish to share with her doctor, it helps to help the doctor to re-phrase an intake question to better get to the heart of the issues you believe are hidden under the surface. Doctors need a whole lot of help in being strategic caregiving partners, I have learned. Being able to let go of the "lost" items which repeatedly get "lost" also helps. I have purchased 4 glucose testing machines in less than 9 months because they get "lost." Those are expensive! I cannot say that I would be thrilled at 80 in pricking my fingers every day and not so sure I would even be consistent about it, so sometimes a little downtime for Mom is worth it to help the person for whom you are caring get back on track. Arguing over "lost" items only makes my loved one and me more frustrated and ultimately retreat in communicating, which is always an undesirable and stressful outcome for me. It will not always work, but it works often enough for me that I let go of more in the short term to try to allow Mom time to work through her feelings of discouragement which are entirely reasonable. Being chronically ill is no fun for anyone. Maybe offer to go with her to her next oncology visit by promising her you will not say a single word, then live up to that promise, if reasonably possible. She may be pleasantly surprised and open her door of communication just a tad? Who knows? Wish there were formulas for caregiving

In response to LindaM, I am not upset with your views. I do agree with most but I am the daughter in law and I do NOT have that bond that she has. I spent the better part of last night listen to my Mother in law and husband argue over her medicines again, only to find out that she lied to us and the nurse. She told the nurse that she dropped her pill box and tried to replace them. I am lost totally on what to do. We have too many doctors giving her meds and one doesn't know what the other is doing. I try to talk to them but my Mother in law doesn't tell us when she is seeing the oncologist anymore because she does not want him to hear from us what is going on. She likes attention and a lot of that is our fault. Daddy was so wonderful and fun that he was the center of the attention. Just don't know where to turn. Any advice would be great.

Lindam, your words are from a wise person who has lived and learned a lot. No one can walk in anothers shoes. Many adult children must make choices about how (or how not) to care for a parent who didn't care for them. Also, we caregivers must learn to set some boundaries, even with the parents we love, or it can kill us. We can't forget that over 30% of the caregivers die before those they are caring for. That's not the way it should go.

I know several people who simply cannot be there to care for a parent who was abusive to them. If they can get help to deal with the hate, and let go of guilt, that is good for their own health. Often, they can often step in enough to see that the parent is cared for in other ways. But not everyone can give hands-on care to a parent.

Thanks for your kindness and wisdom.
Carol

INDAM, I WILL WAIT FOR MORE BEFORE I RESPOND, HOPE YOU HAVE A GREAT DAY

I may upset some with my views, so let me say ahead of time, that is not my intention. It is simply the way I believe.As children, we are not programmed to love unconditionally. As parents we do. I love my son , no matter what, tho I may not like some of his choices. But I did not always love my dad. That is a sad statement to his life, not mine. He was never good to me, and I didn't hate him, I just became indifferent. That is not to say I did not do everything I could to make his last years more comfortable. That was a statement about my life and how I choose to live it. I do not feel guilty for not feeling guilty. I do not have any regrets in regard to my dad. Parents(not in my fathers case) usually love unconditionally, as the children of these parents who says that we have to kill ourselves trying to make them happy. I do not volunteer to be anyones victim anymore, and I will figure out a way to communicate this to the person who is being abusive.It can be done with love for self, and compassion for my circumstances, and setting those boundries. Did our parents kill themselves trying to make us happy, or did they try to teach us to be respondible for our own actions. My mother gave me these gifts, so I was able to resond to my dads needs, not react. Were there times I pounded the steering wheel on the way home. You bet. But I also spent time calming down, regrouping and moving forward. I have to go to work, and do not feel I've finished what I need to say. More later. God Bless

Kim and I will talk to the doctor about that at her next treatment, she goes Wednesday. You are awesome!

KDN216, I TO CALLED MY DR AFTER MY SEP DAD DIED OF CANCER 5 YEARS AGO. MY MOM CHANGER RIGHT AWAY, WHEN I TOOK HER TO THE DR'S THEY SAID THAT SHE HAD WHATS CALLED STRESS DEMENTEA. AND IF NOT TREATED WOULD GET BAD. WELL SHE WAS TREATED AND SHE STILL IS CHANGING. I HAD TO GET ON STUFF FOR MY NERVES. SOMETIMES I THINK SHE IS GOING TO MAKE ME SICK AND I WILL DIE BEFOR HER. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF ALWAYS. WE ARE ALL HERE FOR YOU. KDN216, WHAT IS YOUR NAME?

TRACY

Carol, she has three different type of nerve pills and one antidepressant. 17 different prescribed medications. Its unreal the amount of drugs she takes. I had to remove all of Daddys meds and had the home health come in and remove all the meds she did not need. She brought out several more bottles yesterday that I had no idea about. They were hidden somewhere. So who knows what is still out there.

Tracy, thanks for letting me know I am not alone. I just feel so overwhelmed. Its like the world keeps on turning and I am standing still or spinning my wheels. Just spent 2 hours on the phone, with husband, nurses and doctors to see what medications she really needs out of the 17 that are listed. She has knocked herself out again today. But swears she didn't take anything she wasn't suppose to. I am thinking about calling my doctor for something for my nerves.

As Tracy says, you are not a horrible person. You are a good person dealing with a huge amount of stress. Please keep talking, get as much help as you can, and let your husband know you need help. You are carrying three jobs - the farm, your other job and your mother-in-law. She is no doubt miserable since her husband died, but you can't let her kill your health. Have they tried antidepressants for her? That may help her, but it's tricky to get the right one. It's something to talk to her doctor about.
Carol

KDN261, NO NO NO YOUR NOT A HORRIBLE PERSON. SORRY TO SAY WE ALL FEEL THE SAME. I WANT TO LOVE MY MOM SO BAD, BUT I JUST CANT. JUST KEEP COMMING HERE AND VENTING

TRACY

Hello, I recently lost the best person I ever knew, my Daddy. Actually, he was my father in law but he was still "my Daddy". He went into the hospital on September 30th and passed away on Nov 3rd. Hardest thing I ever went through was telling him that it was okay to go to Heaven. Now I am dealing with his wife. My mother in law, she is going through her fourth round with cancer. Started in 2000 and now we are taking full blown chemo treatments. My husband, is an only child and the bulk of the care falls to me because we have a farm to take care of, and we both have full time jobs. Mother was doing okay while Daddy was living but it seems like she just stopped when he left us. They were married 62 years and I know it is hard on her, but we can't make her fight to live. We have moved in with her, we still have our home that the cat lives in. We go there to shower and change. I cook, clean, paybills, fix her medicine, run a taxi service, you get the picture. I don't want to feel so mad at her all the time but I do. I think, what happened? She was fine 3 months ago. She self medicates so somedays are spent trying to figure out what she took and when, calling the home health nurses, and fighting with her because she claims she didn't take anything. Oh, and did I mention I am on the job most of this time. I am greatful to her she has been more of a mother than my own but I just want to run away. I told my husband I understand these women that jut vanish. He just smiles and says make room for him. We have no time for ourselves. I mean we are living with my mother in law... Am I a horrible person? I just feel strung out all the time.

HI LYNN AND CAT. I NO HOW THAT IS MY MOM LIVES ALONE STILL PROB NOT FOR MUCH LONGER. SHE IS NOW STARTING TO FIND FAULT WITH EVERYTHING TO. TO FAT TO THIN YOU DO NO WHAT IM SAYING. NOW ITS ALL ABOUT THE CLEANING GIRL I HIRED, SHE COMES EVERY WEEK AND CLEANS AND EVERY OTHER TO CLEAN AND DO LAUNDRY. IT HAS MADE THINGS SO MUCH NICER FOR ME.. BUT YOU SEE IN HER EYES NICER FOR ME IS NOT A GOOD THING.. IT WAS KIND OF FUNNY LAST WEEK, MOM SAID SHE WANTED BETH FIRED BECAUSE SHE IS NOT DOING A GOOD JOB IN HER EYES. SHE DID THE WHITE GLOVE TEST ON HER. THIS IS A PERSON THAT HAS NOT CLEANED IN 8 MOUNTHS, HER HOME IS VARY STRATED UP BUT NOT CLEAN AT ALL.I JUST LAUGH AT HER AND SAY IM THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN FIRE HER AND SHE IS STAYING. ALSO MOM WAONT LEAVE HER APT ANY MORE, SHE WAS INVITED FOR THANKSGIVING DINNER, AT THE LAST MOMENT SHE SAID SHE WAS NOT COMMING. AFTER MY HOUSE WAS FILLED WITH FRIENDS AND FAMILY SHE CALLED CRYING. WHY DID NO ONE PICK HER UP. I SAID YOU DID NOT WANT TO COME, I WOULD NEVER DO THAT. I SAID ARE YOU READY TO GO. WELL NO. SO SHE TRYED TO UPSET ME BY CALLING MY HOUSE ALMOST ALL THROUGH DINNER. I FINALY HAD TO GET MAD AND TELL HER WE WOULD NOT BE ANSWERING THE PHONE ANYMORE. MY DAUGHTER TOOK HER A PLATE AND WAS MEAT BY HER IN THE LOBBY OF HER APT CRYING. AFTER KISSING HER AND HUGGING HER MOM GOT ONTO THE ELEVATER, THERE WAS A LADY DRPPING OF HER MOM, SHE HAD THE NURVE TO LOOK AT MY DAUGHTER AND SAY YOU SHOULD FEEL GULTY FOR DOING THAT... I PROBABLY WOULD HAVE HIT HER. I WISH I WOULD HAVE BEEN THERE, THEY DONT KNOW ANYTHING, AND THEY SHOULD THANK GOD FOR THERE LIVES WITH THERE PARENTS. BECAUSE WE ALL DONT HAVE THAT. SHE ALSO THROUGH OUT THE PLATE OF FOOD. CANT WAIT TILL X-MAS....

TRACY

195Austin
Cat,
Not sure my first letter went out.

Thanks for the advice, I think that mother would throw the plate at me if I took her a plate and then say why didn't you come and get me you know that I want out of this place? Then she would say something hurtful. Mother has her mind and knows what she is saying. She is kind to the workers at the home where she lives. Over time she has ran everyone away. She finds something wrong with everyone in the familly. Like no make up, your hair is not fixed right, pants are to long, that doesn't look good on you, etc. She doesn't see a good side about any thing or any one. Everyone wants to stay away from her.

Tough skin, well I have had 40+ years of verable abuse from her. I hated to go for visits on the Holidays. If it wasn't for my dad I would not have made the trips at all. I feel that my husband could be right this time. I want to enjoy the Christmas season and not think about the ugly things she can say and hurt me. She has let me know that I was a promissed child to my dad before they got married. Lucky for her.

As for a friend, if I had a friend that treated me the way she does I would say GOOD BYE. But because she is my mother and because I want to do what GOD wants me to. I keep going back for more of the same. If I do bring her home for Christmas and she starts on me I will pack her up and take her right back to where she lives so fast it will happen before she knows what is going on.

195Austin

Cat you are right on about burying things I had wished I had done this with my mother in law while she was on earth. I did use this later with a co-worker later she was making me crazy one day I said so fire me - and we both started laughtng and are still good friends.

Lynn
Would it be possible for you to take your mother a plate of food at Christmas after the rest of the family had there meal- I have been involved with the mother-husband situation and wanted to tell them both to shut and act like grownups.

Dear Lynn -

deepest sympathy for your plight. I think that you are doing the right thing by attempting to heal the relationship with your mom and keep including her at holidays. One thing that might help you is if you can distance yourself from 'hurt feelings' over what she says. If she was a stranger - not your mom, how would you react to what she says. It is not easy when someone pushes buttons - especially during the holidays when there are already expectations and lots of family dynamics, but if you truly want peace with yourself, you will have to decide now what you really want out of the experience.

Some people will never stop the zingers - that is up to them. I don't know your mom, but I believe that you are a kind and sincere person who truly wishes to make things better. Perhaps if you want some tips on how to develop a thicker skin, you might start with realizing what your mom says has no bearing on who you are. I won't go into personal experience here - but hope that if you can truly bury any of the stuff that you are carrying around you will have a happier Christmas no matter what zinger your mom throws at you.

If you like, write down all the zingers here on this site - we have all experienced something similar. but if you name it it can no longer hurt. if you can laugh at it, it no longer stings.

Be happy & enjoy your family and the good that is out there. Maybe even your mom will chill out if she sees that she can't hit the target any more. Just give her a hug instead.

C

195Austin

Thank you, Mother took things well and even called to tell me that she would not be able to make the trip for the funeral but wanted to send flowers.

Our son and one of our daughters and two of our grandsons were here for Thanksgiving and so I called the home where mother lives and had them to have her dressed, our son and my husband went and picked up mother so she could spent the day with family and get away from her room. Mother being mother had to get one stinging word at me before she left. I was nice to her and had to help her when she went to the bathroom. Mother is unable to take care of her personal needs. I don't know what she is looking for in me. I try as hard as I can to be the daughter I feel I should be and all I get is hurt. The words still ring in my ears. My husband doesn't want me to bring her to our family Christmas dinner. I'm pulled between do and don't. Mother will be 90 in three months and I keep thinking that this will be her last year (Christmas) with us. For me Christmas will be easier without having her her. But on the other hand I will feel bad knowing that she in alone. I'm realy torn on what to do. It is not easy getting mother her. It takes two men or two strong women to get mother here and back again. I'm not able to help with this. I could call for KAT to pick her up and take her back but I'm still opening myself up for more hurt full words that she is so good at.

daddysgirl, being a caregiver, I can honestly state that there are moments of feeling sheer terror when there may be a moment of downtime and reality stares me in the face. Fortunately, those moments do not last for me. Those moments are entirely human and realistic when a caregiver faces the stark reality of a loved one's declining health and that you are "it." Yes, caregiving can be a "strange" experience, I would say. Allow yourself to feel what you are feeling

Lynn
I am so sorry about the death of your Mothers' sister.

Sibling issues and problems with parents as we grew up do make it all harder when we are faced with their care. It sounds like you have a good heart and are a forgiving person, and that is good. Hopefully, you and your mother can feel closer as time passes, before her time to die. As long as she isn't abusing you, you'll likely feel it's worth the effort to show love and respect for her being your mother, if nothing else. Maybe she will be able to return those feelings and let you feel loved. I hope so.

Blessings to you,
Carol

Sorry the rest of my story didn't get printed out so I will finish it.

& myself went out to eat. I have never seen my brother so relaxed.

I'm trying to build a better relationship with mother, this will take time because we have never gotten along in the past. I was pushed out by things she would say to me. I want to do the right thing and what I feel God wants me to do. So far I don't have that mother daughter love that I have with my daughter.

Hello,

This past week my mother's sister who was 3 yrs. younger than my mother, passed away. We drove to the health care home where mother lives and told her. We were trying to think of a nice way to tell mother that she would not be able to attend the services for her sister. But we didn't have to. Mother called me and said that she wanted to send flowers but was not be able to go. Yesterday my brother came to visit her. That made mother's day. In my mother's eyes my brother is everything. Out of all of this the GOOD NEWS was after the visit with mother my brother, his wife, my husband

IT'S SO HARD, I NEVER THOUGHT THIS WOULD EVER HAPPEN TO MY MOTHER, SHE TRAVELED FOR WORK WAS THE TOP OF HER DEPARTMENT, NOW ITS ALL BUT GONE. IT SEEMS I GET SADDER AND SADDER EVER DAY FOR HER. I KNOW SHE KNOWS WHATS HAPPENING AND I KNOW SHE DOES NOT UNDERSTAND IT, SHIT I DONT HOW CAN SHE. THANK YOU CAROL, I BET YOU HELP MORE THEN YOU THINK YOU HELP. JUST TO KNOW THAT THERE ARE ALL OF YOU OUT THERE READING WHAT WE ARE SAYING. IT MAKE ALL THE DIFFERENCE. SO IM OFF TO MOM'S SHE IS HAVING HER HAIR CUT TODAY, IT WONT BE FUN BUT ATLEAST OVER FAST. WISH ME LUCK. THANK AGAIN AND I WILL LOOK INTO THAT.

TRACY

It sounds like your mom feels the need to control something - anything - and this is her current choice. She knows that she is losing so much, and she can control this. Arguing will only make it worse. If you can adust it without her seeing you, she may not even notice for awhile. It will be a cat and mouse game. But arguing with people with dementia won't help, because in their mind they are right. Also, they are afraid.

You do need a break. Please contact your state human services department (type your state in online, and you should find their main site - then go from there. You should find a phone number). Ask if there is any respite care available in your town. If you can afford any in-home care at all, please get some. You need a break.

Most of us, once our loved one dies after years of dementia, have a long journey back to remember and love who they were before all the years of decline. I've written about that. It's a hard journey, but worth it.

However, now you are living the years of decline, and you are tying hard to love her as she is. That is admirable. You need help to hang on to that, and getting some help will, well, help.
Carol

HELP....WHAT IS IT WITH THE THERMISTAT? (HOPE I SPELLED THAT RIGHT). MY MOM IS SO ALL ABOUT THE THERMISTAT, IT ONLY SAYS 73 IN HERE. I HAVE IT ON 78... WHY WONT IT GO TO 78. I SAY ARE YOU WARM, SHE IS ALWAYS IN SHORT SLEEVES AND IT SO HOT THAT YOU CANT STAND IT IN HER SM APT. WELL YES SHE SAYS, THEN ITS OK. IT 'S 8AM NOW SHE IS ALREADY MAD ABOUT IT. WHAT CAN I SAY ABOUT THIS STUFF TO HER TO STOP IT. OR IS THIS THE WAY ITS GOING TO BE. EVERY DAY GET HARDER AND HARDER. IM RUNNING OUT OF THE THINGS I NEED TO KEEP DOING THIS. IS IT ALWAYS GOING TO BE ONE THING OR ANOTHER WITH DEMENTIA. AND HOW DO YOU MAKE IT TO THE END OF IT AND STILL LOVE THEM. I WANT TO LOVE MY MOM BUT SHE IS GOING AWAY ON ME AND I CANT STOP IT. MY HEART IS BREAKING MORE EVERYDAY

TRACY