Is there some drug out there to mellow her out?

Joan, that sounds like a great drug. I have told my children that if I become like my mother, please make sure I am given drugs to help me to be happy. There is no sense living that long if life is emotionally painful and there is no joy. I have not seen my mother laugh in 20 years. She loves being unhappy. I don't want to be like that!

Hi Amygrace - is your mother doing any better in the AL? If she gets really paranoid and /or hallucinating you might discuss a antipsychotic with her doctor. This year with mother is so different from the past few years and much less stressful for me and for her. Let us now how things are going. ((((((hugs)))))

Hi Joan! Thanks for the hug. Actually, I don't think Mom is doing that well. They tell us she is very stubborn, especially in the morning. She refuses to shower, won't socialize, stays in her room, refuses to use the walker and is writing little notes (about stealing, working on her imaginary finances, obsessing where her social security check is because she didn't get it this month, saying she hates it there). I'm hoping the doctor will give her something soon - anything to make her more cooperative. We are at the end of our rope. She is just downright difficult, complaining and self absorbed (nothing new there) and stubborn (always, just worse now.) The doctor didn't want to prescribe anything until he ran blood tests which he did last week. I'm going up there early next week to take her to get a new hearing aid since she lost one of them. Trouble is, half her problem is comprehension and she keeps putting new batteries in the other and then putting the old ones back in the box, then putting the old ones in the hearing aid, so of course she can't hear. Also, I thinks she only hears when she wants to and hasn't "listened" for years. She is really her own worst enemy and I hate to say it - a real pain. Its hard to feel sorry for someone who has always been happy being unhappy. I don't know where we will put her if they think she can't adjust there. She has always been a malcontent, even though she has perfect health and never had to work a day in her life and had someone to take care of her needs (my Dad, then my stepfather, and then my sister and me) If I sound bitter, I guess I am. I have health issues, will never be as fortunate as she is - to live so long and want for nothing, and to have children there for you (mine are thousands of miles away). I'm sick of it. I know she has dementia, but she is not much different than when she didn't, only now with dementia on top of it. My daughter and I tried living with her in 1986, she drove us so crazy we had to find our own place after a year. Guess I'm just frustrated today! I have to sit down with the staff up there and find out if they can communicate with her doctor to get her drugged!

Re-reading what I wrote I guess I sounded mean and uncaring but that is not true. I care so much it has taken over my life and I'm tired and frustrated trying to balance things. I just heard from the doctor. They will put her on Aricept and antidepressants. I am praying that once again I will see Mom smile, and maybe even spend quality time with her again. Fingers crossed!

Amy, those of us who follow you know how much you care! You're allowed to vent; praying that this works.

amy - ((((((hugs))))) you don't sound uncaring at all. I have a bad sinus allergy reaction so kind of groggy but will post later.

hi amy - I know about it getting worse as dementia sets in. For years mother had excellent health, a very decent income, and was as critical as always and then the paranoia set in and it all went down hill pretty fast. Mother wrote notes about all the stuff she that upset her too. Glad you heard from the doctor, and that she will get some meds. Presumably they or similar ones will work. I saw you wrote you hoped to have some quality time with her again. I hope so too. Can't say I ever had quality time with my mum, but some was better than others.

Let us know how it plays out and meanwhile keep venting as you need to. This time of transition is very difficult and stressful time for you. I understand. ((((((((hugs)))))))

I'm taking her to the hearing aid place tomorrow. We know its a waste of time and money because most of her problem is comprehension (she hears one sentence, and then the next she can't) but we have to try to help her at least hear well enough to understand people. Maybe that will get her out of the room once in a while (but doubtful) so she stops obsessing constantly. Last night she called my sister three times and me at 10pm continuously asking if my brother-in-law had died. He hadn't, he is ill but is recovering. Doesn't matter how many times you tell her he's ok. She talks, we answer, sometimes she hears and then 1 minute later its WHAT? WHAT? Sometimes she calls 5 times in a day. She has no other thoughts in her head except family and finding things to stress over. Lordy, I pray the antidepressants work. We thought moving her to AL would improve things and takes some of the responsibility off us, but instead she is even more demanding.

Amy; You do realize that you don't have to take her calls, don't you? If she's in distress, the staff will help her. That's why she's there.

We all hate it when our loved ones get upset, especially when this upset goes as far as verbal, or even physical, abuse. We want them to be happy and calm, because we love them. If medication can help, that's great, but sometimes for whatever reason, our loved ones are going to be upset, and the number one thing that a caregiver must remember is that we can only do what we can do. It sounds as though her distress is causing you a lot of stress. I encourage you to strengthen your boundaries - when she is distressed, it is HER distress. As a decent human being, you will feel empathy, and that's healthy. But be wary of crossing the line into taking her distress upon yourself. If you can master that skill, it can save you a lot of wear and tear. I hope this makes sense:).

To Amy Grace - my mom is hard of hearing and when my sisters call to talk to her on the phone it's a nightmare. However, I realized she is moving the speaker of the phone off her ear. Since phones these days are nearly flat, old people have a hard time keeping them in the correct position. You might want to get one of these - for us it was a lifesaver!
amazon/Native-Union-Phone-Retro-Handset
Or even one of these:
amazon/ShipFrea-Princess-Classic-Antique-Reproduction

Thanks Lizawren and Babalou, you are right. I just hate it that she is alone in her room stressing. (She will never reach out to the aides, she keeps all her obsessions secret from everyone except my sister and me - except for the time she slipped and complained to the housekeeper that her clothes were stolen!) Most of the time when she calls, its to my sister who screens calls and often doesn't answer but it still wakes her husband up. I screen also and I hang up when she keeps saying "what what I can't hear you". I figure 90% of the time she will forget she called me in a few minutes. I was thinking of getting one of those phones that spells out the conversation, but I'm not sure she is cognizant enough to understand it.

amy - the few months before my mother went into hospital and finally onto medication, mother called three times a night and they were crazy calls - paranoia mainly. I finally stopped answering any of them as they were very stressful for me and let them go to voice mail. I listened to the messages to be sure there was nothing really wrong. It was a terrible time for everyone - her and me. I expect you are right that she forgets about the calls.

I agree with lizawren that our mothers' feelings and experiences are theirs to process and deal with, not ours. I found I had to detach and distance to a degree emotionally. I was working, as you are, to get her the help she needed. Getting upset by her calls and her attitude didn't help me or her. It stressed me so, I tried to reduce the stress on me, and still work to get her what she needed. That makes it a win win. I know it isn't easy.

emjo23, yes we do know those phone calls! The other night it was her thinking my brother-in-law died! That resulted in three calls to my sister, two to me between 9-10pm. The next day she was still on it. The day before, it was missing social security checks (which the govt hasn't sent in years). They live in a private h*ll of bad thoughts that spin around in their heads and won't leave. It upsets my sister much more than me. She gets twice the calls I do, but she enabled Mom for the last 20 years and created for herself the role of "mommy" to Mom. What upsets me the most about all of this is the fear I will go down the same path. Is there anything more frightening than losing control of your mind? Even physical problems are at least manageable if one can comprehend what is happening! Everyone wish me luck, going up there today to the audiologists. I know what I will find. It is so sad. I just wish she would help herself a little - but that is not her. She has always liked being the "little girl" for some things. For others, she does what she wants no matter what. Its a tough combo!