Follow
Share

My brother got a divorce and moved in with my parents about 6 yrs ago, he is an alcoholic and a chain smoker. My father paid off the house and my mom is on hospice.. multiple myeloma. I am the POA for medical. My brother is mom's full-time care person, he called years ago and said he could not do this. I took early retirement and my husband and I came to help. My dad, in his will, listed me as POA and in charge of bank and bills... he passed away a yr ago. My father paid off the house and planned to leave the house to my brother.. I don't care to have anything, I just want to help my mom. Since I was left responsible for the money left.. my brother has hated me. Asks are we still doing ok in the bank? constantly. Will make comments and looks at me as if I am a thief. I have bank information and all money accounted for towards bills, groceries etc..if the lawyer wanted to look at anything I have a clear mind and heart. My mom who doesn't think my brother can do any wrong and denies his drinking etc.. (he's a bum) gets 150 wkly, no bills to pay as that comes out of mom's acct. Insists on having internet cable and + channels. My husband and I have to be gone at times to take care of his mom in another state or help our sons with this or that. We do not have time for ourselves anymore..I am at my wits end with my brother. . and almost with my mom. I give her the best care. I clean I make sure she has her pills, I do laundry..etc. My brother does the same except he does not clean. My mom swears by my brother and his great care??? (She is a narcissist and my brother golden child) We were gone three days to help our son move things into storage in another state, he is in military.. came back and 10 empty cans of beer on the table, a pot of beans on the stove still in the pan with a spoon in it..a mess on all counters.. My brother Just received his 150.00 plus his stimulus ck 1400.00 said he was out 150.00 because he had to replace his alternator... he said he didn't get his stimulus ck so I told him I would replace the 150 just needed the receipt for the alternator and mom agreed to replace his 150.. 30 minutes later I asked him, you didn't receive your stimulus ck? he calls and his bank affirms that he has 1,100 in the bank????? I don't know what to do in what I am dealing with anymore.. I am an empath, extra sensitive person and find myself getting depressed. My husband is a great supporter of me and what I am doing. He talked to my brother the other day and mentioned to him that once mom passes there will be no more money the money ends.. What is his plan.... he said well I will this or that he does not plan to work.. HELP!! I want to walk away somedays..

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
If you don't plan on inheriting anything and that's fine with you as you've said, then maybe it's time to talk to your brother about signing the POA over to him.
As it is in so many families the sons are always golden and can do no wrong in mom and dad's eyes while the daughters are lower than the gum stuck on the bottom of a shoe. This goes on every day with millions of families. So you're not alone, honey. You might think he's the golden child and that your parents worshipped him, but he's still the caregiver. Even though mom speaks so highly of him and your dad did also, they may have treated him very differently when no one is there. My mother speaks very highly of me to others about how she doesn't know what she'd do
if I wasn't here. What she says to others is very different then what actually is. For years I was treated like less than a pile of garbage. Sometimes I still am.
You have the POA so are in control of the money and assets. Hire a cleaning lady to come in once or twice a week, or an in-home senior caregiver a few hours a week to help out with some of your mom's needs like hygiene and running errands . Don't get on him about the cable and internet though. Don't do that because it's petty. He's there and is the one who took care of both your parents and is now the 24 hour caregiver to your mom. That's not an easy situation for anyone to be in, so don't begrudge the guy his tv and internet. He obviously has no life, so let him have that.
If the fighting and accusations are too much for you, then give over the POA to him as well. Then all the legal responsibility will be off of you and you can help out with mom in whatever ways you choose to or not at all.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
ellimac Mar 2021
Thank you dearheart what I failed to explain is that my brother takes care of my mom for about a month at a time, I take care of my mom 3 months at a time... brother has no bills, no utilities, no rent, no insurance to pay on either house or his truck... he also gets paid out of mom's dwindling acct.. all she gets is her social security, and part of dad's he passed a year ago...

while I take a month to go to my doctors appointments, husbands doc appts in another state, visit my sis in that state as she is in assisted living (I took her under my wing about 12 years ago) mental challenge..she is doing well. I also take this time to visit my mom in law who has heart health issues. I have offered to take mom to care for her...but neither she nor my brother want that. This way I would not have to deal with my brother and he would have to figure things out for himself.
(2)
Report
You are, from your note, taking on the care of everyone. I would suggest counseling because you are acting against your own best interests and you are in caregiver mode to the extent it is destroying your mental health. You should hire a fiduciary to care for Mom. You are her POA, and as such you are able to hire a Licensed Fiduciary to handle all her bills and business interests and care, or some of it. As to brother, you already informed him and it is time to stop enabling him now by paying for things for him. He will be on his own with what he is left. His own actions will predict what happens to his own life.
You say you "give your Mom the best care". I am not certain what that means about where she lives. Is she with the much beloved son in her own home or is she in care?
I would back out and step away. You are in some of the best last years of your own life. A time when you should be free to live a free life before your own health and limitations stick in. This should be the time to travel and enjoy yourself, not a time to be sandwiched between family members in need.
I would seek a counselor and comb out your plans for YOUR OWN life. Because right now you are so much slave labor to other family members. It is no wonder you are suffering mentally. I sure wish you good luck.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
ellimac Mar 2021
By my offering her the best care I don't mean to sound all about myself. I just take care of her details-hygiene , like bringing her toothpaste to brush her teeth, taking out the trash after I have wiped her and there is urine and bowel movement in a bag(has a potty chair that I line with a potty bag),clean house vacuums, wash dishes, laundry, change her fentanyl patch every 3 days, clean bathroom, mop floors, give mom a sponge bath because she turned hospice aid away the other day. The aid bathes her twice a wk.. I bathe mom when she has turned hospice away for whatever reason, wasn't feeling up to it or what.... take out trash, fix breakfast, lunch, and supper. soak mom's nails so I can clean under them. Put anti fungal liquid on her toe nails, put her socks on after washing her, putting her half gloves on because she has pain in her hands. . I am there 24/7 with my brother to help give my brother a break..When I am there I am her full-time care giver as my brother plays his video game while I am there. (I really don't mind that he takes a break. . I just have to deal with his I am always "here" comments) or snide remarks. He and my other brother are angry because dad left me in charge of what little money there is left. Out of that money bills are paid (utilities, house insurance, brothers truck insurance, if he has a truck part to replace I get the receipt and money is repaid to him out of moms acct. .. on top of this my brother is paid weekly. He has no bills. I have to leave at times (every 3 months)with my husband to check on his mother who has heart issues and who lives in another state. When I am there (In another state) I get calls from my brother. will tell me what he is dealing with and calls me when he is drunk ...to guilt me and worry me while I am miles away. Hospice is on board with everything that is going on.. thank you for your kind understanding.. I just had to vent, God is with me and I continually meditate and seek him for answers. I find peace in him..Thank you again for being so kind.
(4)
Report
Your brother has no complaints. He has been living rent and utility free for 6 years. That is his payment for taking care of Mom.

Mom is on hospice, so she will pass eventually. Was the house actually left to your brother? If so, when he inherits it he can continue to live there or sell it and find an apt using the proceeds of the house to offset the rent. Any money left can be split. He will then be on his own. You can go back to your life.

Please, do not take his care on or have him live with or near you. Make sure, when the time comes, that he understands that he is now on his own. That you will be giving him no financial support. He gets the house but he alone will pay the utilities and taxes. He no longer has a free ride and you are not going to be it. He is going to have to hit bottom. He is an adult and he has put himself in the position he is in. Do not enable him or disable him.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
BurntCaregiver Mar 2021
No sorry, but living rent and utility free while being a 24/7 caregiver isn't payment for taking care of mom and dad. The brother has been doing this for six years.
We don't have slavery or indentured service anymore, so room and board alone isn't acceptable.
Such is the attitude of so many families. They think that once the elder passes away that the designated caregiver can just find a job and resume a regular life after years of having no other life outside of the home and caregiving life. So no allowances should be made for their welfare.
Think of a live-in family caregiver like a married housewife who is out of the workforce for years taking care of the kids, the house, and the husband. Then one day the husband comes home and says he wants a divorce and a different life. The woman doesn't just say okay, see you later and then starts providing for herself.
No, It doesn't work like that. They go to court and that housewife is awarded alimony and property that the divorcing husband has to pay. Many times he has to keep her on his medical insurance. Or if the kids are teenagers and old enough to stay alone, he still pays child support.
Why should a family caregiver who's there 24/7 for years at a time not be afforded the same security and respect as this?
(12)
Report
Move out with your husband and resume your life. Your well being is impossible to achieve in this environment. Your mother isn’t changing except to get worse. You can’t win with either her or your brother so leave them to it. You can continue to oversee her finances from a distance. Brother is supposed to be there as a caregiver, he’s rewarded and recognized for it, so let him do it. Or not do it, but it’s not on you. Have their groceries delivered, and keep mom's money away from brother
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
katiekat2009 Mar 2021
You would walk out on your dying mother?
(0)
Report
This thread has caused me to reflect on my own situation. I have 2 grown sons, both are hard working good people. But one has a job where he makes way more money than the other. I had been planning to leave the poorer one more because of his needs. I sure don't want the richer one to see this as unfair. He probably wouldn't complain but there might be a silent resentment. Maybe better idea is to leave them an equal amount, rather than according to their needs?
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
DILKimba Mar 2021
You are correct. You should leave them an equal amount. It is not fair to appear to show favoritism in your affections by leaving one more than the other.
(4)
Report
See 3 more replies
why do you care about the car's alternator? Does he drive your mom to places?
Do you depend on him to take mom to doctor appointments? Look up the year and model number, call the local car parts place (auto zone) and ask how much the alternator costs... geez.. He doesn't need to take mom anywhere but to doctor..Now with all the other alternatives nowadays..... your mom should be able to get groceries delivered... right?
Tell mom and brother you and hubby are taking a break.. going out for a few days... you will call when back in town... Do NOt Answer Your Cell Phone...PERIOD
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
ellimac Mar 2021
Thank you.. mom is on hospice the nurse comes to mom. Aids bathe her.. social service visits too.. I care for mom every 3 months then my brother has to watch her 1 month while I go to the doc, visit my sis in assisted living, and ck on my mother in law who has heart health issues.. then I am back to care for my mom for 3 months again.. thank you kindly for your comments.
(1)
Report
You are doing enough by handling your mother's finances. Empath or not, you allow your brother to occupy too much space in your head. Hire a cleaning lady for your mother and pay for it using your mother's funds. You have your own family to care for and your mother seems content with her situation and having her son living with her.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
ellimac Mar 2021
thank you dear heart doing what I can. Giving it to God. you are right mom is content in the situation. I have offered to take her on full time instead of 3 months at a time..but neither mom nor brother want that.. that should be my answer thank you kindly
(1)
Report
There is no obvious reason for you to be connected to your brother, so unless there is something you haven’t mentioned, begin the process of emotionally DISconnecting from him FOR YOURSELF AND FOR YOUR OWN WELFARE.

If his care of your mother is not safe or comforting or loving FOR HER, begin to seek out alternatives that will be safer and more loving and more comforting.

Whether your brother hates you or loves you has NOTHING to do with your mother’s care. If she is unable to live in her house or care for herself her POA must figure out what is best for her and decide objectively on her behalf.

If you feel that you cannot in reality walk away you must learn to do that EMOTIONALLY, for your own welfare.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
ellimac Mar 2021
Thank you so much for your answer. I would love to take mom out of the situation however my mother is adamant about being there and that she gets good care when I have to be gone 3-4 weeks to visit my sis who I had taken under my wing 12 years ago got her the care she needed in assisted living.. I visit her for a week and then take the other weeks to visit my mom in law who has heart issues although doing ok.., also use this time to go to doctor visits. After a month of taking care of others and myself. I return to give my brother 3 months break from caring for my mom.. You are right brothers love and hate does not matter where mom is concerned. Thank you ever so kindly!! God is with me
(0)
Report
To ellimac:

My heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry that you felt unsupported here and hope you will stay around for the abundant wisdom that is shared. I am not a regular contributor - I sometimes read the digest and have special concern for overlooked and under-appreciated daughters - a phenomenon connected to the more overt violence against women that is a part of our culture. You don't complain about being shut out of the will so I will complain and be angry for you. This kind of dynamic creates bad feelings which can compound all the other frustrations and demands. It is eminently reasonable to EXPECT a grown man to clean up after himself, something people learn to do in PRESCHOOL. He may have mental or physical challenges in addition to his alcoholism - a person can feel compassion for that AND know that managing the late stages for an elder and a household require some serious management skill. And I know that lifelong patterns of entitlement and conflict avoidance with problematic children or siblings makes for a very challenging situation. It could have gone differently (with completely different personalities and decisions!) but this is how it played out. Not your fault and the desire to walk away from such a negative situation is a natural reaction! I hope you can begin to establish reasonable boundaries here, use your POA to hire additional help, keep doing your best for your mom with the help of hospice and minimize interactions with your brother. Pre-pay funeral or burial expenses now from her funds while you have POA and then you make a clean break from this brother who is not your responsibility. Best of luck and virtual hugs!
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

I have to agree with Burntcaregiver’s reply. In fact you should absolutely check the cost to hire a 24 hour 7 day a week, in home caregiver and then you will have a much better understanding of your messy bean eating, beer drinking brother’s true value. It’s obvious you are totally unaware of the huge money you would need to spend if he was not there. At least be ethical enough and give him $100 a day as it is still a small fraction of the cost of a 24/7 caregiver you could hire to live-in and count yourself as lucky. Additionally, if he provides a bit of care for your mother, is there in the house most of the time near your mom, he is certainly NOT a bum! You and your mom both are lucky he is there; so stop being so darn judgmental, cheap and taking financial advantage of him and his sorry situation.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
BurntCaregiver Mar 2021
khlblues, it happens all the time in even the closest of families.
The siblings and relatives just don't understand what it's like to be a 24 hour 7 day a week caregiver to an elderly person.
Even if the elderly person isn't physically ill and in need of hands-on caregiving. No one truly gets what it's like to be in it for years at a time unless they've done it themselves. There's no way for them to understand the other part that is a terrifying reality for many family caregivers. How they will survive after the elderly parent or relative passes away or goes into a nursing home. Most of the time when an adult child is living in the elderly parent's home on duty 24 hours a day 7 days a week, they have no other support system they can depend on. There usually isn't a spouse or partner with income they can go to after the elder passes away to get back on their feet and into the outside world again. Many times that isn't even possible when they've been out of it for years and years.
Siblings won't do anything. Not when they think that caregiver is living the life of Reilly because they're not going to a job every day and they often resent them for it. They think the caregiver is taking advantage of the elderly parents or relative because they're living rent and bill free.
Believe me when I say, it's a lot easier to get up and go to a job every day then it is to be at home as a caregiver. You don't worry about becoming homeless when your boss dies.
Caregivers siblings need to get woke about what it's all about and learn some understanding and compassion for the brother or sister who makes it possible for them to not have to be in such a situation.
(10)
Report
See 3 more replies
See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter