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In a prior post, I explained how in a fit of rage, my 71 year old Mom diagnosed with "neurocognitive disorder and psychosis" hit me, accusing me of stealing all her money. That was last week and since then, she continues to go around her ALF saying the same thing. This week she has resorted to calling my Uncle and mother in law (whom she has never called in the entire 15 years I've been married) saying she was calling a lawyer, going to remove me as POA, called me a b**** who stole all her money. She's also calling the Bank stating the same thing.


For clarity's sake - I moved her money into an account that she cannot access due to her excessive spending habits and outstanding CC debt and gave her a debit card which she refuses to use. When her SS comes in, I move it to the bills account so I can pay for the ALF and medical bills that have started to come in from when she was admitted to the hospital (psychotic episode). The ALF knows all this and we speak regularly (i.e. Today the front desk woman called me letting me know she was asking to go walk to the Bank so she can take me off as POA).


Here's my question:
1) Should I shut off her phone?
2) Yes, I know this is all the disease/mental illness. Yes, I know this is for her own good. Yes, I have chosen to not go to the ALF for my own safety & sanity. BUT, If I chose to put my hands in the air, hand everything back over and say "GOOD LUCK" - what would happen? Does a case worker get involved? Do I even care?


Let me also bookend this by saying; albeit, embarrassing to admit - no, my love for her does not take over. I have done all this out of being a decent human being. In her best state, she was a narcissistic woman who did little to nothing to have a relationship with me and my son.

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I think she would no longer be considered competent to remove you as POA, especially with that doctor's diagnosis. I presume you are able to talk to the bank and explain the situation to one of their officers. Sounds like she can talk all she wants but cannot actually do anything. Is her phone use creating other problems?
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How did you become her POA? Was there a medical decision that rendered her unable? And also from reading your post, the bank has the legal POA on record. If so, she cannot just walk into a Bank and remove you as POA. Don't try to rationalize with her - she seems to be unable to utilize rational thinking anymore. If she truly wants you not to be her POA, then tell her you will set up an appointment with her doctor to start the legal paperwork (in my case, it required 2 doctors to make the call that my mother was unable to handle her affairs). And that once they declare her mentally capable (they probably won't) that she HAS to appoint someone else as POA, and that person has to agree to be the POA.
You have made the right moves with her financials. I would probably have the attorney get involved at this point, for the just in case.
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csansonetti Sep 2021
All good points. She was admitted to the hospital a few weeks ago for what could only be described as a psychotic episode and they declared her incapable of making decisions and would not discharge her unless we had 24 hour care in place. We already had the POA in place.

My concern is that she is calling the Bank saying she hasn’t authorized me etc. so it makes me wonder if they think something is shady going on and perhaps flagged the account? For example, when I ordered her a debit card, I called to find out if it was delivered and they said they couldn’t tell me because the card was under “her profile.” This is with Chase by the way.
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A quick comment about relinquishing POA and allowing a Court Appointed Guardian step in. You would not have anything to say about where mom goes. If they decide to transfer her to another facility you would probably have no say in the matter. You would also have no say as to her medical treatment.
Please keep this in mind if you decide to follow through.

As to the phone. Can you block or remove certain contacts or does she have numbers memorized? (I gotta tell you I have very few numbers memorized now, I depend on the phone for my contact numbers! ) By removing some numbers it would limit who she can call.
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You can be a POA without being a daughter. Your responsibility is to protect her money for her care. To deal with the bank and the AL. To make decisions in the best interest of Mom. Not what she wants, what she needs.

You have the diagnosis that Mom is incompetent. She can not revoke ur POA.

If continuing POA is going to be stressful, then you may want to turn Moms care over to the State. But be aware, they will then be in complete control of her and her money. A guardian will be assigned to her and that person makes the decisions.

Another poster found that in her state you cannot take the phone away so check that out. But if all Mom is using that phone for is to harass people, then yes I would turn it off. If there is an emergency, you will be called. Ask that she not be able to use ALs phone.
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Ah, honesty. How nice! I have to say, I'm worried for you. Is it safe for you? I have a wonderful, gentle friend that has a brilliant, wonderful, gentle son. I've know them for years and wish all good things to them forever. One day, out of the blue, he attacked her, with a butcher knife. She has since recovered and her son is being treated for his illness, thank God. Mental illness is unpredictable, as you've experienced, and you don't need to take risk and abuse to still be the good person you are. Please be careful and consider planning a prison break for yourself. She is hideous, odious, and I'm snarling at her right now!
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csansonetti Sep 2021
I greatly appreciate your kind words and support. I've decided to take a step back and not go to the ALF anymore as my family members expressed the same concern. It's a sad situation and I wish it didn't hold as much weight on me as it does.
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I know of a situation that was a bit similar to yours. Mum was POA for a long term friend. The friend's son convinced her mother to cancel the POA, but did not tell Mum about it. Mum found out when she went to the bank to pay the lady's bills.

The POA had been put in place as the son was bleeding his mother dry. Very quickly the public trustee was involved and the lady lost all control and say in her affairs.

20 years later when she died, Mum was contacted by the public trustee, apparently she was still the Executrix of the estate.

In your case, I would contact your state public guardian and tell them you wish to relinquish POA due to being abused by your mother and ask them to step in. Mum will pitch a fit, but you will not longer have any responsibility in her affairs.
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csansonetti Sep 2021
You raise a good point and I believe addresses my question as far as what would happen to her if i didn't run her bills, etc. A public guardian would? I imagine a public guardian would be much more strict and not even give her a spending account, etc.

Thank you!
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Hmmm…. Tricky…

You’re like me, doing what needs to be done by being compassionate even if you can’t stand the person. Because when everything boils down, it’s just the right thing to do.

So, props for being a good person.

If I were you, I’d call her bluff. I doubt she’ll call a lawyer, and if it’ll go anywhere, but if it does THEN I would give up POA, as I knows she means business (and then, she’ll make her bed, let her sleep in it). But I doubt she will. She’s just using you as the source of all her confused rage, and I don’t think it’s hurting your feelings (you seem to have detached yourself, so good for you).

You’re in a tricky spot and it’s up to you if you want to keep being the brunt of all your mom’s anger.

Best of luck!!!
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