What can I do if my sister who is executor is being deceitful?

I know I am a minority voice on this topic. I do not think a will should be a way to reward or punish children for either their participation or lack of. However, that's my personal opinion. I do believe a will should be whatever the principle wishes it to be - if it is a final admonishment then that's their choice to make - people have their own reasons and agendas when drawing up their wills and it is their money to do with as they wish. My parents left their entire estate to each other. They agreed and trusted the surviving spouse to then leave whatever was left to their three children equally. I do 95% of the work involved in looking after my mother - and believe me, she is a handful! My oldest brother sees my mother about three times a year for about an hour each visit. I am the executor of my mothers will. When the time comes I will have no problem giving him his equal share. If fact, on more than one occassion I was the one who talked my mother out of cutting him from her will. My reason - for both ensuring my brother gets his share and also having no issue with it? Simply, it's what my father wanted and what my mother promised him would happen should dad die first. I made a promise to my beloved Daddy that I would make sure this happen. It's my parents money to do with as they wish - plain but not so simple. I see my mother more in a week than the one brother does in a year. The "helpful" brother visits 2 or 3 times a week - no dr. appointments, no meetings with the facility, no doing the taxes or buying Depends. But he was very helpful in finding moms new facility and takes care of her cat - all of which I am thankful for. I don't do what I do for any other reason but these two - it's what my father would have wanted and although at times I despise my mother, I will always love her and it's just the right thing FOR ME to do. If it's possible the hands-on caregiving child, the one living with mom or dad and giving up their lives to do the 24/7 should be compensated while this is happening. To me a will is almost a final word or thought from a person that is addressing a lifetime of relationships - not just their final years. But that's just me.

Not such a minority voice, Rainmom.
The caregiver should make real legal and financial arrangements along the way when caregiving, to provide for a future for themselves.

I have been thinking about this, the will. It will cost more to execute a will and bury me than any proceeds of any estate will provide. I give up. The efforts continually required to keep what income I have instead of it being required to support my special needs husband have all been too much for me, today.

It's good to know there are others out there who gave up years of their lives to help their parents with dementia and dying. What a world it would be if all it was at the end that we become just paychecks for our children.

I'm sorry for the loss of your mother and also for what you are going through with your sister. It must feel like a nightmare. As so often happens, the wishes of your deceased mother have been disregarded. She wanted you to be a co-executrix and she wanted you to have the $10,000. It was easier for you to assign that responsibility of settling the estate to your sister. That was your right and she accepted but at what a cost. Since she took care of the estate and also took care of you for 8 months in her home, you might have given her the $5,000 if she truly needed it and had asked for it. You might have agreed to loan it to her if she truly needed it. But at this point you won't ever know because she decided to manipulate you into signing a document allowing her access to the funds so that she could steal them. Your trust was so complete that you did as she requested when you signed the document. Who knows, she might not have given you any of it if she could have figured out how to take it all. Well, actually in a joint account she could have stolen it all. I think I would tell sister she can put the money back or deal with your attorney. As MM said, as an executrix, sister had no right to be involved with those funds at all, as an insurance policy lies outside the scope of responsibilities of an executor of a will. I would also assure her that if you have to hire an attorney to get the $5,000 back you will also be asking for a review of the entire estate. I would go back and look over any inventory of assets she turned in. Your sister made a decision that your relationship was worth $5,000. You had nothing to do with that decision. I am sure it is a larger loss than the $5,000 to lose the trust of a sister. Now that you know she took that, what else did she take? You can always choose to forgive her after she returns what she has stolen but that would be a separate decision that would be hard to make while she's holding your money. How dare she decide that mothers wishes were to be avoided. How dare she decide that her needs were greater than yours. How dare she be upset with you for what she did. How could she ever justify her actions? I agree that spouses should not be involved but I can't blame your husband for being upset. You can't buy a sister for $5000 but it's really difficult to see any value for one who can't be trusted. And it's not about the money. It's the deceit and ill will and deviousness. Shame on your sister. I truly hope you can forgive her and work through it but I don't think you ever can if you don't hold her accountable and allow her to do the right thing. So sorry.

Do you know signing that paper to your sister for a joint account allows her to take 100 per cent and leave you nothing. Trust me I know first hand.my sister is a doctor she took 100 percent my money from me my disabled sons house I bought from a friend I inherited from and MY bonds cds my parents money, my brothers (whos name was almost the same as my fathers)money and left them broke. Put it all in her sons name. And daughters. Lawyer said put her in prison. Do you do this to family?

97yrold mom, well said, and well written! If I were being sheisted for monies strictly intended fo me, I would send her an email, practically using your post, word for word, and send it off to the sister. People's estate's are supposed to be distributed as intended by our Loved ones, not decided by others, no matter what. Thankfully my 5 siblings would Never think to screw one another over, over inheritance, and provisions were made to make repairs done by our Moms wheelchair and electric scooter, as well as put to right, things like fresh paint, carpeting and basic freshening up, of the doors, door jams and minor wall gashes, and spills, our parents accidentally did to two of my sisters homes, my parents lived at during the end of their lives, as it only seemed appropriate. But even imagining that my sisterly relationships could be forever altered by 5 or 10 thousand dollars is so incredibly Sad! From reading that post, it sounded quite likely that the one sister probably would have shared the money, but sadly was never given the chance, and now has to live with the fact that her own sister sold her down the river.
Rainmom, I completely agree with you regarding inheritance, IF, that is indeed the parents wishes, to the letter, that is our responsibility, but in my husband's case, his two siblings had contentious relationships with their parents that have nothing to do with him. They have stolen and chiseled away money from their parents their whole lives, lots and lots of money, meanwhile my husband and I enjoyed our relationships with his folks, always lived only miles from them, encouraged our kids to build relationships with them as well and for that, we are the ones who were blessed,having them in our lives, and in the 31 years I've been apart of this family, I've never once seen where the other two did anything other than make his parents lives difficult, and this now reflects in the way in which my remaining in law has planned to distribute his remaining assets. I believe that every family is different in their dynamics and this shows in the way one feels about things like this. I pray that our four kids feel that it is our every intention to be fair and equal, when that time comes. I hope that we have money left to give them, but if we don't, then I know that we gave them the most important thing of all, and that is our time, Love and devotion.

After reading everyones problems I don't feel all alone .
My mom died 3 years ago and my sister kept all mom's savings because she had mom's bank account with her name on it as well instead of my dad. She put mom in a nursing home without telling me and dad. I live in europe and me and dad found out 3 months later that mom was in a nursing home. My sister told dad mom was at her house for a while , go figure.
My dad passed away 1 year ago , I had come home for 2 months to help take care of dad. My sister controlled me day and night, she would drive a 2 1/2 hour drive just to see what I was doing. I was all day in hospital with dad, only came home to sleep and shower. Doctors told us that dad could not go home anymore but had to be put in a nursing facility because he needed daily medical care. The hospital helped very much because they put my dad on top of the list because me and my sister lived too far away from dad. They found a place for dad in his hometown which was very good because he had siblings, friends of his there as well. The day come for the transfer and my sister says no and that she is taking dad to his home. The social worker said no you cannot take your dad to his home, he cannot live alone. My sister brough a caregiver with her but the hospital said no so she signed dad out and did what she wanted . First she took dad to a lawyer and got another will made up, then she told me she didn't need me around anymore so she took the car away from us. I never argued with her about anything because I had promissed mom and dad that us sisters would never argue . Mom and dad Always said that whatever they had we where to split 50/50 without arguing. The social worker called me in to talk and asked me what was going on with my sister because she wouldn't answer to social worker's calls or emails. I told the social worker that it seems like my sister is angry with everyone and doesn't consult me on what to do, she just does what she wants with my dad's life. In the end of it all my sister won, she took dad home with a caregiver who could not speak dad's Language. Dad kept telling me to please help him because he didn't want the caregiver and he was mad at my sister because he said she has Always been a trouble maker. I tried going to dad's lawyer, but he even told me that if she signed dad out of the hospital she was responsible for dad. My 2 and a half month stay came to an end and I had to leave dad's house because the lawyer said if something happened while I was there I could be held responsible. At this point I was feeling very sick and tired. When I got back home in europe I went to my doctor and found out I had very high blood sugar which I have never had any problems with. Doctor said it was all do to the stress I had been through, I also lost most of my hair all due to stress. I was Always in contact with mom and dad , I would call them once a week and they would call me as well. We had a very good relationship me mom and dad and my younger sister who had passed away years before. My dad died after 3 months, he was taken to the hospital after one month that the caregiver was there because he couldn't do what dad needed. I haven't talked to my sister since. She is the executor trustee to dads' will. God only knows how that will end. Mom and dad made us promise and I did respect all of their wishes. My sister has Always accused me of never having cared for mom and dad. I live in europe where I met my husband and live happily with my family. If I lived closer I would have cared for them. She can't say she has either because she didn't. I know my story sounds all so weird but it just feels good to get it all out and to see that I am not the only one who has these problems with siblings. Thank you all for listening.

I agree with 'PalmTrees1' - even though this may be already past news, there are people, heirs, reading this who may be in the same boat, with a sibling or some other family member that is looking to hustle more out of the estate than is rightfully his or hers. Hiring our own attorney is usually the best way to protect our inheritance, our rightful share of an estate, generally going through the probate process. Of course it's easy to give people advice like this, but although good advice, it's expensive advice. An estate or probate attorney doesn't come cheap. I've seen many heirs in the same difficult situation with a dishonest sibling like the sister 'maggeysh' has had to put up with... Some of those heirs were able to dip into their savings or use credit card cash, many don't have enough funds to do that, so they borrow from a friend or friendly relative who is not one of the heirs, or they borrow against their inheritance to get a fairly large estate advance, or inheritance loan, to hire their own lawyer in order to protect their inheritance. Usually it's a fast probate loan or inheritance advance, often a 72-hour inheritance loan or even a 48-hour probate loan if their lucky - there is no time to waste when you're in that type of scary situation with a family member lacking in conscience or integrity. The same playbook 'maggeysh' has been up against. It is sort of a playbook, I see the same moves over and over again from this type of sibling. Their first move is often getting placed in the role of executor, and it goes on from there, instructing the probate attorney not to return the other heirs' phone calls and so on. So many heirs, with poor cash flow, are forced to get a fast inheritance advance or inheritance loan, and thus protect their share of the estate with some real legal muscle. So instead of advising heirs to do something they can't afford, perhaps we can extend good advice plus a way to pay for it, such as the estate advance or probate loan. And a lot of nerve to go up against someone who is bent on doing no good, but to protect ourselves we have to get past that anxiety or fear of confrontation. It's either that, or give in, and no one wants that result.

I offered some good advice, but it is expensive advice - getting your own lawyer to fight to protect your inheritance. If you don't enough cash on hand yourself, I suggested getting an inheritance loan or estate advance, inheritance advance, probate loan, or whatever you want to call it. Inheritance loans are fast and easy to deal with, and open to most heirs... however I should also add some suggestions as to where to go to apply for an inheritance loan or inheritance advance assignment... Usually online first, and then by phone to wrap it up. Inheritance loans fortunately do not require a credit report or job info or income status, etc. An estate advance assignment or probate loan is not invasive or intrusive like banks are. So, consider borrowing from your own inheritance to protect yourself... and hopefully everything will work out well.

I thought we got rid of this guy hawking inheritance loans?? Like a bad penny, he/she/it's back again.

Both posts have been reported - inappropriate advertising and just plain old spam.

Hmmm. What if it turns out there are no taxes to be paid? If there is actually a refund would sister get it also?

Thank you for sharing this personal trauma. My mother had dimentia and died of pancreatic cancer in 2014. My mother and father had long standing wills that left my brother and I executors to the exclusion of my sister. When mum died my sister would not accept mum being in care and insisted that she care for mum. I did not approve of this but was only one of three. We then obtained written competency and mum changed will to include sister as executor & EPA. My sister withdrew $10,000 from mums account to pay for funeral and then paid funeral from mums account post death.
There is a further $ 10,100 in unexplained withdrawls.
After mums death my sister retained mums ashes to all others exclusion, she took in excess of $5,000 in chattels from estate. My brother and I have been left stripped of all personal estate items, not one family photo our sister has taken everything. Now she wants to buy the estate home and leave my brother homeless.
I have spent $5,000 on lawyers to be told I cant prove she took items. If it goes to court all the estate will be consumed by legal fees.
How does the rule of law apply here?
How can I forgive this wrong doing for me to live the rest of my life?
How can my mother be put to rest with her deceased son and husband?

The sad thing about all the wrong doing is how stupid I feel at how much I've been taken advantage of by my siblings and how I did not look out for my mother the way I had hoped. Three of us kids One a co executor with me, the other nothing. The common enemy they have is apparently me.
I am so sick of talking about this with my friends I'm thinking of hiring a talk therapist just so I can vent on them and not my friends.....after my Mothers death (dad already had passed ) .
As soon as dad died I suggested my mom think about getting her will together. And I thought she had. I put no input other than "make sure you appreciate your choices and can live life with them and then never worry about it again". I told her nothing else about what I wanted in the will. I forgot about it. Then the truth hit me like a wall....my sibling (and my co executor ) had her change the original will once to their favor. And it was already in their favor. And I still said nothing.
I had no intention of making my mother redo a will because my brother wanted an extra item or more money. My mom at that point was still alive and I just wanted her to be able to live and not worry about this stuff.
Turns out that was not a great idea. This sneaky sibling has gone behind my back as the co executor and has teamed up with another sibling to take all they could out of the house to the point where there is nothing to have any type of sale with.
Then I found out more wills were written up and more changes. More than 5 times they had the changes all made up to their advantage.
Disgusting, far from honest.
And here is the real sad part. I had legal access to all the money, deed to the house and was legally able to take all the money and sell the house. Yet I didn't. I made sure they had money and got some. I did not sell the house. But unlike my siblings I did not abuse my mother and force her to think about her will more than once. It's such an eye opening disgusting reality.
One sibling is a physician, and they did nothing to help my mother get out of the hospital. The other one with the spouse just grabbed all the stuff from the house that has any value. Disgusting people can come from any family. The fact that I'm a Co executor with anyone surprised me. I think it was done to be fair.....
PAY ATTENTION TO THOSE OF YOU SOON WRITING WILLS. being fair does not always mean equal responsibility. And if one sibling is doing better than another your parents probably take that into account too.
But when they make two of you co executor after one of you already pushed her into making them the only executor......they are acknowledging the lack of trust they have in the pushy, elderly abusing apparent bully who caused her to just keep re-writing wills and become more confused adding to her dementia.
The sad thing is as I mentioned on sibling in a physician and the other sibling is married to someone in healthcare. All of them wanted her dead years ago. The physician because she was just not worthy their time. AND the thief? They had wanted her dead for years. At least that's what she told me as did some of her friends several times. How's that? She feels they want her dead for years and yet still makes them co executor. Look out for snakes, bank account high jacks ownership of property, brokerage , transfers on death, these are all ways your siblings can try to screw with your inheritance. Google it. No doubt you will read of many similar experiences. Good luck to you all. We need it. Btw I know that when this is all over sadly so are the relationships with my entire remaining family.
Peace to you all .

Im going thru the same thing now DADS will left sis executrix and she was to divide things evenly three new cars her house is remodeled a new barn payed herself 15000 and left me to pay for funeral and last bills that she claims she paid I have receipts now its been a year and half and she says theres no money she spent last money on a boob job I got an attorney way to late

Totrusting (or should it be tootrusting), that's what happened with hub's aunt and uncle; their son - then uncle with aunt - got them to sign over their property to him to keep their daughter from getting it

kl, I know of several people who stay in the front room when they're on hospice, not necessarily just because they have no where else to stay; I almost wish we'd done that with my dad, just because when he did die in his bedroom, turns out the funeral home couldn't really get to him

My hub's aunt just found on her bank statement that some funds went into their account that were supposedly for reimbursements for funds that went out that not sure she'd noticed that - though if she looked at those statements as close as she looked at that one, surely she did - that then were also taken out

My Mom is dying from COPD. My Mom has made my sister power of attorney, I want to ensure at my Mother's passing that I receive an equal share in any financial matter that I' m entitled too.

The POA will have nothing to do, no involvement whatsoever, when your mother dies because the POA will expire and the Personal Representative will be in charge of handling terms of your mother's Will, if she has one.

In the meantime, why don't you try to focus more on support and compassion for your mother in her last days/weeks/months? That's more important than being focused on what you're going to inherit.

And who knows? Perhaps your mother is aware of your attitude toward "getting your share" and didn't even leave you anything in her Will. You're not entitled to anything if she doesn't want you to get anything.

My husband is having similar problems. Both he and his sister were named as executors of the will. His sister lived with my mother in law at the time of her death, so she knew where everything was. She insisted there was no will, no money. There is a trust that names my husband as 100% share of a rental property. Two months down the line his sister comes by with a copy of a pour over will and trust. Now she wants him to sign a waiver because the will also states he gets 25% per capita, theres four people named but she says the house is hers because she lived with her parents and its sentimental to the two others BUT the house was in reverse mortgage and they were expecting my husband to sell his property to save the house. Bottom line shes trying to screw them all out of whatever she can she has the house and everything in it, two cars and refuses to to part with anything. It has caused many arguments between myself and my husband he has no clue that everything shes done has been illegal and because his family has pegged him as an a-hole for not agreeing to sell he wont fight them because he feels bad. He needs a lawyer family or not shes not worried about losing him so screw her too..He has a daughter going to med school I told him to think about her future not theirs. Stop feeling sorry for greedy people..........LAWYER UP PEOPLE

she wants him to sell his/your house?

This is easy. Do what the will says and follow the probate courts direction. The estate should pay all taxes due before the money is distributed. Were these funds listed on the estate inventory? Why not. All assets need to have gone through the purview of a probate court. An executor is only a facilitator. Not a decision maker.

brothermurf, I'm not sure who you're responding to, but if the op - which this is old but anyway - they've already gotten the funds; they're not talking about taxes due by the estate, but taxes due by the heirs, as in regular income taxes, although not entirely sure any should be due, as seems they would be considered estate taxes, at least I didn't understand I had to pay any on what I inherited so I think there's something going on with the sister but either way it should be settled by now one way or the other

Good luck with recovering your inheritance. I'm a Viet Nam Vet and in the forty six years since my brother and one of two sisters took care of my mother after my father died in 1993. My one sister has always lived on the property my mother owned but she made it hard for my brother, sister and I to help my mother. When my father died my sister intimidated my mother into signing the property over to her and making her executor of the estate.

My brother, sister and I never knew this because I had told my mother to open up a trust account and they would handle everything for her. My mother agreed but my other sister had other thoughts/plans and had my mother sign everything over to her before we could get my mother to open the trust account.
Remember that this started in 1993 after my fathers death.

With that said and at this point, my sister started to spend my mothers retirement and pension, had the house signed over to her, changed the will, cleared out my mother and my joint account and made sure my brother, sister and I got nothing. My mother died in 2005 at age 92. We are talking about a $1.5 million dollar and five different property inheritance lost to my sister. Shame on her but I still love her because that is what my mother would have wanted me to do. My brother died broke and my other sister is sick and I put my faith in God to handle it his way. God bless you girl with your problem.

Usually the "loser" in the family thinks they are due more than the other siblings. I have a sister who has a sh*tty life and when our Mom died she tried to take more than her fair share just because she thought she deserved more than me. Thank goodness I was the executor (even though I'm the youngest). My Mom knew which one of us was trustworthy. It's been years now, my life is better than ever, and my sister the "loser" continues to live her sh*tty life.

In what way did your sister try to take more than her fair share? If you were the executor of your mother's will, I'm curious about what form her attempts can have taken.

Oh its quite easy CM a great aunt of mine died and the executor was my mother's cousin. Now for reasons some of you might guess I loathe this man and he died not having served time for some things he did BUT that has nothing to do with this.

My aunt had some pictures which he 'sold' and we had receipts for them but what we didn't know is that he sold them to a woman he was about to marry...needless to say a lot of money was lost that way. Ditto some of the jewellery. She had a cellar full of original just post WW2 and WW2 stuff everything that you might need in the event of WW3 to be fair. I only know because as a teenager the place fascinated me.

Uncle was sure we would be at war again and he wasn't taking chances!

Everything was neatly kept on shelves and was in pristine condition because uncle wrapped everything in muslin and then covered it with dust sheets....one day of the week he used to go down dust through and check it and I loved those days. I can't imagine what those things were worth. Original unused mangle, washing copper. My favourite was an old well that had been put there after plumbing was installed. I had no idea whether it worked - Uncle said it did and it had one of those pump handles that would draw the water up - not sure where from but there it was off to one side. It was a fascinating place Dozens of oil lamps all shiny and as original (they were all bought new). It was like time stopped down there. Gas masks, tin hats, bottles of wine and spirits all laid down and turned every so often. Iron bedsteads, armoires with shelf upon shelf of real linen bed linen. Towels that had never been out of their paper packets all that was apparently 'donated' to a museum - we never saw receipts for those!

Their house was built a very long time ago when prison officers weren't safe to walk home from their job and there was a blocked up tunnel that went all the way to the prison so their cellar was HUGE. It had a massive gate, beyond which you could see the brickwork where the tunnel was bricked up.

God knows what it all was worth but I do know that of the three inheritors mum received 2000 pounds - allegedly all the rest went on care fees - I never believed him for one moment especially when he bought his daughter a house the very next year!

dad's grandson tried to do the same thing but dad wouldn't do it

if there are insurence policys out side a will then can the executor hide them from benificiarys, or would the bank now of them holding the asets to the will

4500, I'm not aware of banks holding assets other than what might be in a client's safety deposit box. It's not their responsibility though to disburse assets other than by specific direction of a trustee or executor.

What makes you suspect the executor is hiding insurance policies? Are you specifically aware of these hidden policies?

There's obviously more to this situation than you've written. What's going on?