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I’m sorry for all that you’ve been managing, hat’s off to you for your commitment.

I’m wondering if it’s not time for AL or a SNF for your Mom? I would discuss the options with an elder law attorney. I’m concerned about how much longer you can manage this unilaterally.

Sending support.
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It’s time to look after yourself now before it’s too late be firmer and tell her you are burnt out and if the situation does not improve tell her you may need to look at putting her in full time care that might make her look at things differently other than that I would just hire help and tell her it’s either that or she goes into care tough love is what it’s called
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No, you’re not being overly sensitive! The same thing happened to me. It was stressful for me to have to be with my Mom because she treated me like a child, wanted to know where I was all of the time, followed me, and needed me to bring her along every time I went anywhere. If I told her I was seeing a friend she wanted to come too, and if I said no, would talk badly about that friend and me, and then try to convince me not to go. I had to lie to protect myself from her controlling behavior, and get away from her so that I could breathe.
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BurntCaregiver Oct 2022
@ermini

This happens all the time to so many of us. My mother's favorite pastime is ruining special ocassions. I remember some time ago I was leaving for a friend's wedding. It was a 4-Day wedding (my friend is Indian) and I had a part in the ceremonies. This was a great honor to me because I love my friend and her huge family. The preparation took months. I had to get beautiful special clothes (her family paid for it) and learn all kinds of cultural things.
Anyway, when the car arrived to take me to the airport for what was going to be a very long flight, my mother started having chest pains. She turned on the pathetic senior act of needing to go to the ER. I told her I'd call an ambulance and my sister. Then the begging could I just take her because she was going to die.
No. I cannot and did not. This was one more of her staged "performances". She wanted me to miss the wedding because she enjoys disappointment and ruining special times.
After I got settled, I called home to check up on things. She answered the phone and hung up on me. I didn't call again and was gone for three weeks. My sister and father knew how to reach me.
My mother talked horrifically about my friend after the wedding and she actually liked her very much. I just ignore her.
I don't lie to her about anything. If something isn't her business, I don't tell her.
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You've been dealing with and caring for your mother for 6 years now, and you're understandably burned out. It's time for mom to move into Assisted Living now ( or Skilled Nursing) where she'll have plenty of entertainment and other people to schmooze with, and won't need to rely on YOU to be her entertainment committee. Enough is enough, you've done more than your fair share for a long time now. You definitely should NOT have to 'check in' with anyone about what you're doing, where you're going, or whom you're doing it with. Your mother has overstepped her boundaries and definitely overstayed her welcome. You're not being 'overly sensitive', you're suffering from caregiver burnout which you HAVE to address before it affects your health and destroys your well being (more than it already has). Being an only child (which I am also) is enough of a burden in and of itself, and to then have a son with issues that you're also caring for means you've got TOO MUCH on your plate and need to get something off of it before that plate collapses. And since it can't be your son, it's MOM that's got to make other living arrangements, which you can help her do.

Go and scope out the Assisted Living places in your area and see what you think. If mom can't afford to pay the rent in one of them, then look into Skilled Nursing with Medicaid footing the bill. She's got enough health issues to warrant placement in one, that's for sure.

Remember that your life matters too, not just your mother's. In order for this living arrangement to be successful, it has to be working for BOTH of you, and it's not. You're hiding out from your mother and feeling stressed out by her behavior. Meaning it's time she leaves your home, period. I could NEVER have cohabited with my mother again after doing it once as a kid. That was more than enough, let me tell you, so I vowed to never do it again. She lived in Assisted Living and Memory Care until she died, b/c by the grace of God she had the funds to do so from a part time job and profit sharing that paid off. Truly a miracle.

Wishing you the best of luck looking out for YOURSELF now, and finding other accommodations for your mother. You can go visit her in the SNF every day if you'd like, as long as you're no longer housing her in YOUR home.
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eat-pray-love Oct 2022
AMEN!!! "I could NEVER have cohabited with my mother again after doing it once as a kid. That was more than enough, let me tell you, so I vowed to never do it again. Your mother has overstepped her boundaries and definitely overstayed her welcome. You're not being 'overly sensitive', you're suffering from caregiver burnout which you HAVE to address before it affects your health and destroys your well being (more than it already has)."
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Tell mom that this is your house, and this is how it’s going to go:

1. If she insists on 50 bucks or more of beauty service weekly, she can call an Uber, not her sick grandson.

1b. And from now on, she pays for all of it up through her whole ss, plus all of the Ensures and Depends and puppy pads and things only she would use. At least you’re cleaning it up.

2. You owe mom no timeframe other than roughly when you’ll be back.

2b. If she insists that she’s so unstable that she can’t be left alone, or if you yourself see this, you tell her that it’s time for a home.
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You don't say how old Mom is?

My family knows I am not an entertainer. My kids kept themselves busy. I bought the tools and they kept themselves amused. Not that we didn't play games occasionally. But they learned to amuse themselves. When Mom moved in she was given the lower room of my split level. She had room for her bed, dresser, and recliner with her TV unit. A bathroom/shower to herself. She had Dementia. She never played games or put together puzzles. Didn't do crafts. All she did was read in her spare time. Me, I have a den I spend my days in 2 levels up. I would help her wash up, get dressed and give her breakfast. Then leave her on her own till lunch. I then would feed her lunch and she would go back to her TV. In between all this was toileting or checking up on her. I had a monitor set up. Dinner was eat in or out. So, she ended up with us watching TV till she went to bed about 9 that I helped her with. My husband didn't feel I spent enough time with her. Why not bring her up to the Den. What for? So we can stare at each other. She was not able to carry on a conversation and I hate daytime TV. Its usually quite time on the internet, reading or getting things done. Right then I knew if we ever brought my MIL here we would be with her all day long. TG it did not happen.

I agree that you should tell Mom when you leave and when you return. But, you don't have to give her details on what went on. You did Mom a favor taking her in for the reasons you mentioned. It had to be hard on you with caring for a husband too. She needs to understand that now your son is suffering from the same desease. For now he needs no help but its coming. You deserve to have a life of your own away from the house. You cannot be everything to her. And if your son needs help in the future, you probably will be there to help him and he is the priority. If and when that happens, u will not be able to care for her too. (Hopefully she can read between the lines understanding this LTC for her)

No, your not overly sensitive. Mom needs to understand that you can give her only so much of your life. Without you where would she be? You gave her a home. You see her throughout the day. You have a nice dinner together once a week. Sorry Mom, you can't have my whole life.

P.S. I am so sorry for the loss of your husband and now your son's diagnosis. A friend's Grandfather suffered from Huntingtons. He passed it to two of his children, one my friends mother. TG my friend and her children have been tested and do not have the gene. But, her younger sister out if the 4 girls, did. I am 73 and her grandmother babysat me at 4. In all those years, they still haven't found a cure.
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againx100 Oct 2022
I totally get you! My mom watches horrible TV shows so she's in her room watching her crap and I'm in mine watching what I want (or mostly out working in my garden, watching grandkids, etc.). But the staring at each other comment really hit home for me. We used to have breakfast at the kitchen table but there is NOTHING to talk about so I've changed that to in front of the TV with ME picking the show (that I think she'll like well enough too).

Not easy times.
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Are you sure she is "mentally fine"? My mom would do things similar to this - needing socialization and not doing anything to help herself even with many suggestions from me. This was a few years before she was diagnosed with mild cognitive impairment and now dementia. She just could NOT do it. Could be the same for your mom.

If I could go back in time, I would do it differently. I would MAKE her go to the senior center - I had thought of going there with her and being a volunteer so that she would go and then I'd back out once she was involved. I would invite ladies over for cards. I wish I had made her a circle of friends when it was still possible. It would have been much better for both of us.

I do the same things as you! Nice to know I'm not the only one! I basically "hide" in my room, to avoid dealing with her. I also don't feel like I should have to check in and keep my mom updated on what I'm doing, where, why and with who! Geeeez I NEVER gave her this kind of detail. She got pissed off when my hubby and I were out working in the yard and barn and she "didn't know where anybody was".

Good luck!
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Catskie62 Oct 2022
I literally hide from my mother sometimes!!
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Hoopsky, you have a lot on your plate. The tragic loss of your husband and now your son’s illness and conditions as well. . . I am so sorry.

I feel that with everything you’ve been through you definitely *need* time with your friends, time for yourself. Also, you are anticipating your son’s medical needs but are also expecting yourself to care for mom (who sounds like a difficult person) as well.

More than burnout, is continuing this situation sustainable and realistic for you?
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hoopsky, I see the parent/child concept in your situation. As soon as your Mom had moved in with you, she once again became the parent, and you are now back to being the child in her eyes. We are now kids, so what do we know. This happens so much that it is common place.

It is very difficult to break. You can try standing in front of a mirror and saying "No, I can't possibly do that" over and over until you feel comfortable saying it.

One idea is to hire a caregiver, but tell Mom it is not for her, but for you as you no longer have the energy to do everything that needs to be done.... cancel those dinners out, too. Hopefully later down the road your Mom will be comfortable with the caregiver that she will let the caregiver take her beauty shop and nail appointments. It's worth a try.

Oh, pay for the caregiver out of your Mother's funds. I assume your Mom gets Social Security.
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