Today is my birthday, and I know because of my husbands dementia he can't remember. Should I ask my son to buy a card for him to give to me so he does not feel bad or just let it go.
If you are a person who likes a big birthday bash, then have your own celebration without involving your husband.
Did your husband go all out for your birthday in the past? If he did, you probably miss those days. Sadly, things have changed for each of you.
Birthdays can be wonderful and special for most people when they are young. As we age, they may not have the same appeal to us.
So, celebrating a birthday is a personal preference.
My dad grew up extremely poor and his family weren’t able to afford birthday gifts and parties. Same thing for Christmas, so he had absolutely no frame of reference regarding celebrations.
My mother fully understood that birthdays and other holidays were just another day for my father.
As the years passed, daddy did start enjoying our birthday and holiday celebrations, along with my mom. Mom’s family did celebrate birthdays and holidays. We appreciated each of our parents for how they felt.
We didn’t burden our parents with feeling as if they were expected to celebrate anyone’s birthdays later on in their lives.
Your husband is at a time in his life where birthdays are just another day to him. Don’t expect too much from your husband. Accept him for who he is today. Cherish the special memories that you once had with him. They will live on forever in your heart.
Happy Birthday, Cheeky79! I hope you treated yourself to some fun. Your husband might not have remembered your birthday, but some of your family and us on the Forum did.
I bought a Birthday card for my dad to give to mom. ( May Birthday ) 2012 He was in skilled care. He was excited to give it to her. it was to be the last one. Although we didn’t know at the time but I felt the need to do this. I’m so glad I did. Dad passed away later that year. And mom in 2022.
After Mom died I found cards for me, my sister and brother, all signed by Mom. She could barely write and that simple, "Love, Mom" in her shakey hand was a precious gift.
Let it go. Needing something from someone who is in serious trouble isn't loving him. You're asking him to love you, when he's losing - and this is not of his own doing- the ability to show it, or to remember the feeling. What is so important about birthdays, anyway?
It isn't up to you to decide / determine what '(isn't) loving him means. It is important to put yourself in the position (feelings) of the person writing 'us' here. I shared some similar feelings about 'birthdays,' although I was / am very sensitive to the writer. This process of losing a person to dementia is painful, grief stricken sadness. We need to be kind to each other. And, especially those who are vulnerable and asking us questions.
Getting out of yourself and into another person's feelings is one of the greatest gifts we can learn.
I hate birthdays, but on my birthday, I get some of my close friends and relatives a small gift for putting up with me for another year. (Amazon can send a box of cookies almost anywhere overnight for less than $15.)
I suggest that you have your birthday cake and eat it, too! Why don't you have your son let hubby know your birthday is coming soon (there's no need to mention it's today) and let the two of them plan something for you—even if it's just a card? That way, he can feel included.
And for sure - DOCTOR'S ORDERS - do something for yourself to celebrate that you've put up with all of them for another year, too. I always do!!!
My 79th birthday was the 2 days ago. I made no mention of it, my Wife with AD doesn't know what month it is if asked. I knew she'd be upset for a brief time and figured what' s the point of any upset? So, I made arrangements with our kids to not mention it, except in Texts to me and a phone call with one of them. Then we went out with friends of 30 years who also knew why we were dining out but it wasn't to be mentioned. I got a night off from cooking, etc and some quality time and conversation with people who understand.
I would just say casually, today is my birthday, how about that. If he mentions he didn't get a card, just tell him yes, he did, or it's probably still in the mail. Been there, done that. If he wants to get something and insists, just take him to a store and he can buy some nice box of candy or a cute little pin or something. In time he won't remember this either. Been there, done that. My husband looked at our wedding pictures and photos throughout the years, he insisted the picture of me was not me, but the him in the picture was him. Hurt like hell, but it is what it is. Can't change what can't be changed. My heart ached, but I got over it. i=It wasn't him talking, but the disease. Be brave, it hurts, but try anyway. Good luck.
Do what will support you to feel good. If your son purchases a card for your husband and gives it to him to sign ... will your husband understand what the card means? that it is your birthday?
Put your own needs first. He won't feel 'bad' either way as with dementia, he will forget about it very soon. The other way to handle it - perhaps as I might if in your situation (but no one really knows unless they are actually in your situation) is:
Buy party hats. Buy a cake. Make it a celebrate for the two of you. Whether he 'gets it' that its your birthday is more irrelevant that the two of you sharing a special moment together. He might get 'party time' and that will be a lovely experience for both of you.
Try to let go of expectations ... As having them will only cause you pain, disappointment, and sadness. Focus on the little things that give you joy, with him. These are the special moments - and birthdays on a calendar is just that ... we are all in the process of aging moment by moment, second by second ... the calendar is really secondary. Of course, that might be hard to grasp since we are conditioned and used to 'knowing' / 'processing' time by the year.
Perhaps if he is able / into it, get clay or paints to do something creative and fun together with color. Or get body paint and paint each other ... or something along those lines. We are only limited by our imagination.
Enjoy the process of the moments. Oh... and happy birthday from me and all of us on this site. How many candles will be on your cake ... okay, you don't have to tell me.
I miss my mother so much. I was able to care for her when her health was diminishing, and would not trade that time for anything. Nowadays, I help others that are experiencing the aging phases of life. Every now I see a post here that helps. Knowing that my mom did not remember my birthday was sad at first, but I quickly remembered that her disease was not about me. Hallmark was a favorite store of hers, so I would buy cards for her to "sign" and give b/c it brought her joy. These cards were not just for my bday, but other occasions, too. Sometimes, we "gave" cards to ourselves. These memories are special. Eventually she was not even sure what a birthday was, nor what the purpose of cards were. Although that was another difficult reality, it was completely understandable. We did not make it an issue with her, since it was our "issue", not hers. Hope that helps add to your healing. Peace.
I bought cards and flowers for Dad to give to Mom so he would feel involved with the occasion. Mom didn't care about gifts, but it made Dad happy. As Mom deteriorated I bought birthday cards for close family and had Mom sign them. Then I mailed them for her. I also bought her flowers "from Dad" on her birthday, their anniversary and Mother's Day. Simple things that made everyone happy. I know this advice is too late, but I also have to tell my husband that it will be my birthday/our anniversary and what I want. I keep it simple. It makes him feel good to know he can make me happy.
Let it go. The old him, prior to dementia, would have felt bad for not remembering your birthday. The new him with dementia doesn't have the capacity to remember or feel bad. if you are celebrating your birthday, just set the cake out and say today is my birthday and we are celebrating with cake, would you like a piece?
I find that my moms moods mimic my own. If I am happy and talkative, she joins the party! Hopefully your husband will do the same.
Yes! Celebrate all the important moments in life. Have son get the card and have his dad sign it. Get a special dessert to share. Do fun and special things together. Make memories - mostly for you - and take pictures.
Secondly, how do you view birthdays overall?
If you are a person who likes a big birthday bash, then have your own celebration without involving your husband.
Did your husband go all out for your birthday in the past? If he did, you probably miss those days. Sadly, things have changed for each of you.
Birthdays can be wonderful and special for most people when they are young. As we age, they may not have the same appeal to us.
So, celebrating a birthday is a personal preference.
My dad grew up extremely poor and his family weren’t able to afford birthday gifts and parties. Same thing for Christmas, so he had absolutely no frame of reference regarding celebrations.
My mother fully understood that birthdays and other holidays were just another day for my father.
As the years passed, daddy did start enjoying our birthday and holiday celebrations, along with my mom. Mom’s family did celebrate birthdays and holidays. We appreciated each of our parents for how they felt.
We didn’t burden our parents with feeling as if they were expected to celebrate anyone’s birthdays later on in their lives.
Your husband is at a time in his life where birthdays are just another day to him. Don’t expect too much from your husband. Accept him for who he is today. Cherish the special memories that you once had with him. They will live on forever in your heart.
He was in skilled care.
He was excited to give it to her.
it was to be the last one. Although we didn’t know at the time but I felt the need to do this. I’m so glad I did.
Dad passed away later that year. And mom in 2022.
I found the card in her things. 💏
I think you should do something nice for yourself to celebrate you. And cake. Lots of cake.
Seriously, I think if it were me, I would let the rest go. But that's me. In the end, do what your heart tells you that you can live with.
Sending birthday hugs!
((( )))
Getting out of yourself and into another person's feelings is one of the greatest gifts we can learn.
I suggest that you have your birthday cake and eat it, too! Why don't you have your son let hubby know your birthday is coming soon (there's no need to mention it's today) and let the two of them plan something for you—even if it's just a card? That way, he can feel included.
And for sure - DOCTOR'S ORDERS - do something for yourself to celebrate that you've put up with all of them for another year, too. I always do!!!
If your son purchases a card for your husband and gives it to him to sign ... will your husband understand what the card means? that it is your birthday?
Put your own needs first.
He won't feel 'bad' either way as with dementia, he will forget about it very soon. The other way to handle it - perhaps as I might if in your situation (but no one really knows unless they are actually in your situation) is:
Buy party hats.
Buy a cake.
Make it a celebrate for the two of you.
Whether he 'gets it' that its your birthday is more irrelevant that the two of you sharing a special moment together. He might get 'party time' and that will be a lovely experience for both of you.
Try to let go of expectations ... As having them will only cause you pain, disappointment, and sadness. Focus on the little things that give you joy, with him. These are the special moments - and birthdays on a calendar is just that ... we are all in the process of aging moment by moment, second by second ... the calendar is really secondary. Of course, that might be hard to grasp since we are conditioned and used to 'knowing' / 'processing' time by the year.
Perhaps if he is able / into it, get clay or paints to do something creative and fun together with color. Or get body paint and paint each other ... or something along those lines. We are only limited by our imagination.
Enjoy the process of the moments. Oh... and happy birthday from me and all of us on this site. How many candles will be on your cake ... okay, you don't have to tell me.
Gena / Touch Matters
Nowadays, I help others that are experiencing the aging phases of life. Every now I see a post here that helps.
Knowing that my mom did not remember my birthday was sad at first, but I quickly remembered that her disease was not about me. Hallmark was a favorite store of hers, so I would buy cards for her to "sign" and give b/c it brought her joy. These cards were not just for my bday, but other occasions, too. Sometimes, we "gave" cards to ourselves. These memories are special. Eventually she was not even sure what a birthday was, nor what the purpose of cards were. Although that was another difficult reality, it was completely understandable. We did not make it an issue with her, since it was our "issue", not hers.
Hope that helps add to your healing.
Peace.
I find that my moms moods mimic my own. If I am happy and talkative, she joins the party! Hopefully your husband will do the same.