My 80 year old father had mitral valve replacement surgery on 2/2/22. We were told he would be in the hospital about a week and would be fine. Two days later, he had a major stroke. The doctors told my brother and I and my father that the stroke was minor and he would make a full recovery. We have since been told by different doctors that the stroke was major, in a very bad spot in the brain and that my father would die soon. He is failing to thrive now and has a lot of end-of-life signs, so he doesnt have long. But because of the stroke, he doesn't understand that. He keeps saying, "When I get home, I'm going to ..." "We should all go camping more this summer." "Do you want me to take a look at your car?" I don't know how to handle this! Should I tell him he's never going to go home? I tried asking him in a subtle way what his relationship with God was but he didn't understand. Should I even bother telling him he's going to die soon? Or should I just let him go on believing he's going to go camping again?
He may or may not know he's dying. If he knows, he doesn't want to talk about it. Let him enjoy his remaining days the way he wants.
Yes.
We had the BEST time, EVER! He couldn't find his words, and I'm quite a talker. I told him stories about our very large family after he joined the Army. He's about 20 years older than me. There were lots of stories to tell. We laughed SO much! His strongest recollection was living on a beach when he was small. He loved swimming every day. I consider our time together one of the biggest Blessings of my life.
Personally, I would not tell my father what is to come. My dad is a very straightforward man, he has always said when it's his time it's his time but during moments like these I feel many strong people become vulnerable. I would follow along with his conversations of plans. Let him go in peace and not instill a possible fear of death or the unknown.
But you know your father, you may know what he would want. It seems he has a hard time understanding things, meaning you may tell him his prognosis and he will continue to speak about the future.
I work in a hospital and have seen many patients accept death (who are aware) and many others struggle to accept it. There is no easy answer.
Peace and light to you and yours.
hugs to you OP in this very, very hard situation.
It’s such a personal decision. Whatever you and your family decide, you’ll make the right decision.
I wouldn’t tell him, in the same way Ineedsupport32 and Bundleofjoy replied. This way he can enjoy his plans of going home.
doctors wouldn’t tell patients, if they were going to die. It was believed to be better for patients not to know.
If the patient has family, the doctors would tell family. And family was discouraged to tell the patient.
Some families agreed with the policy. Some didn’t and thought the patient has a right to know.
I extend all my sympathies to you, Raerae123! Whatever you decide, is the right way. You love your Dad.
Make him comfortable, love on him, and make his transition a positive experience as much as you can.
i feel so sorry for you, for your father.
your question is very difficult. the answer is so dependent on what you/your family think is best (and if you can guess what your father would want).
personally, if i were about to die — i would want to be told. this way i can say/do what i feel is necessary.
but some people feel it might be cruel for the person to know they’re dying.
it is really, really up to you/your family/trying to guess what you think your father would want (know vs. not know).
huge, huge hugs from me.
just adding:
my instinct is, DON’T TELL HIM. let him enjoy/be happy with his plans what to do when he gets home. his body will fight to live. and he can be happy with his plans.
he obviously wants to live !!!
He may not be willing to face it, he might be wanting to spare you, or maybe he's even resisting it, but he already knows his life is about to be cut short, so may I offer you a little something that may make it easier for both of you?
Share stories and relive memories with him. Allow him to remember the good days and the love he gave and received.
Acknowledge him for the man he is and the person you have become. Let him know the life lessons you learned from him made a difference.
Clean up the messes you made over the years. I was 50 when I admitted to my dad that I stole the coins out of his (very valuable) coin collection to buy candy when I was 8 years old. I had forgotten about it (or maybe I didn't) but he hung on to it for 42 years. His response to me was, "Now I know you are a man."
Bring a tiny bit of joy into his life. The night before my dad passed, we stayed up late, drank scotch, watched Hannity, and argued politics. For him, that was a tiny preview of heaven.
Find out who he wants to talk to. Help him make phone calls, write letters, zoom, or whatever.
Muster up the courage to ask him how he wants to die. Let him know whatever happens he will die with dignity (or however he says.)
Seek out the humor in everything. Send him off laughing, not crying...
Maybe bring him a sleeping bag or a camping vest... he is going on a camping trip. Your job is to make him know there will be unlimited love when he gets to the campground and he made a huge difference and a giant contribution along his life-long journey to the campsite.
God bless Dad and his amazing child!
Most patients will tell YOU when they are dying. I think it doens't work well for you to tell them when they aren't ready. I remember a nurse friend telling her brother, who she cared for in his last days dying of AIDS, to "go toward the light" and he looked at her in dire shock (couldn't speak at that point) and with panic, as if to say "What the HECK! I am DYING????" She said she learned right then and there it isn't on her to tell someone when they are dying.Take this a day at a time. Be ready to follow Dad's lead. If he wants to dream of fishing, let him. Follow his lead.
If he asks "Well we ever go fishing" the answer is "I don't know Dad, but if we have to go without you I want you to know you will always be there with us wherever we are". Just follow his lead. Reassure him. Tell him you don't know, because, guess what, really you don't know, no matter WHAT the docs say. You have been informed how it "looks" now. Just take this a day at a time. My advice as a nurse is that it is the patient who decides.
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