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Glasker, I meant to say before that I got called home many times in 15 years. I think your mom has given prior permission for you to fly the coop.

In addition to setting up outside help, you might want to find out if mom's depression meds should be increased/changed. If she's been on one drug for a long time, there may be newer ones that work better, or she may need an additional medication. Just a thought. All the best to you and your family!
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glasker, here is one way to look at this tough decision.... I bet your Dad was the breadwinner in his household, did he give up his job to care for his parents or your Mum's parents?

Would you parents be able to hire a taxi to take them to doctor appointments? A housekeeper to come in once a week or every other week to clean? Does your area have on-line grocery shopping with home delivery, assuming your parents are still able to use a computer? That way your parents will be able to feel they are still independent by setting up these things themselves. It's something to think about.
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They/we live in Ireland which is kinda backward in a lot of ways in terms of the supports it has for older people - you either live with family or you go to a group home which is where people usually end up when they haven't got long left or can't be cared for by family. There is no assisted living at all, and as the group homes are almost a 'last resort' families have to muddle through on their own.

Just back to my mum's depression - she is on meds and visits a psychologist once a week. She's battled it bravely virtually her whole adult life and just seems to be going through a particularly bad patch just now.
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What country do your parents live in if you don't mind me asking? or did you mean to type county?
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I think that you know from the statement you made about your mother being a champion for kids going to live their own lives what the answer to your question is.

I believe that the previous advice can help you set up a system of support for your parents' care.

This not by far an easy decision to make. You will be in my prayers.

Keep in touch.
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glasker, I think your mum answered your question for you. See if they know someone who is trustworthy and they can hire when they need help. You can keep up with them and be there fairly quickly if it became urgent. What Babalou wrote makes a lot of sense to me.
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Thanks so much for the replies, it's lovely to have support, even if only online!

My sibling lives 15 miles away and has a small child. Both them and their spouse lost their jobs in the crash and neither works outside the home. It's always been so that they don't assist, even before they had their child my parents would rarely see them, the only difference being that the excuse used now is that they're busy with the baby.

My parents haven't asked me to move home at all, I guess I'm the one feeling compelled to do it. My mum cared for her own elderly mother for many years through dementia and as a result has become a champion for kids going to lead their own lives! The care system for the elderly in the country they live is very poor, assisted living doesn't exist here and in many ways they're still incredibly independent.

My dad had acute leukemia (following radiotherapy for prostate cancer) which has been in remission thankfully since late 2012. His frequent trips to hospital are for fungal lung infections, the most recent of which started when my mum found him unconscious on the floor. The condition my mum has is usually slow growing but no-one can know for sure. In a twist of irony they are both under the care of the same hematologist who is very kind and looks after them both very well.

I know it's an impossible decision really, no-one knows how long either of them has, and my mum would be so sad if she felt I was putting my life on hold for them.
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You might consider asking mom to hire a geriatric care manager to set up care. Is her depression being treated?

If you dad has chronic leukemia, as did mine, it was 5 years of the er/ice roller coaster. My mom was stalwart through it all, as she was determined to keep dad at home. I guess what I'm saying is that this could be a long ride. I got called home (only an hour away, thank goodness) because daddy wasn't going to make it this time. In your shoes, I think I'd try to set things up so that they have supports (ie, paid help mom can call on when there is an emergency) which you can possibly manage from afar.
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I'm glad you haven't made the decision yet. It sounds like you will be very unhappy if you return to your parents at this time, especially if they stay alive and well for a long time and you've meanwhile given up everything in your life and treated it like a major crisis.

I'm curious about the sibling. Where does he/she live? Are your parents asking you to move back from overseas instead of seeking help from a sibling who may be much closer. If I were you, I certainly would not move back with the expectation of doing it all alone. I would agree to move back only if there was going to be a 50/50 split with the sibling and if your parents were willing to expend whatever they could on their own care. If they can afford assisted living, maybe that's the best solution. And you can Skype with them daily to make sure it's all going well. I just would not make an irrevocable decision to jump into a situation that's already making you feel resentful and desperate.
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This is indeed a tough call that will have to be up to you. One thing you might consider is hiring someone that can do things for them, such as transporting and shopping. If they had someone they can depend on like they depend on you now, you could go back to work. I have a feeling that whichever decision you make you are going to feel guilty and resentful. When someone is old and sick, there is really no right way of doing things. Anything we do feels wrong, because it doesn't fix the primary problem -- they're sick. I think you should choose what is best for all the people involved (including yourself!), then find a support person for them if you decide to go back to your life.

I just thought of the sadness of this decision. In one circumstance, your parents may not be there when you get back. In the other, your own life may not be there when you get back. I don't envy your decision. Big hugs.
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