Follow
Share
Read More
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Have you considered asking your mom to transfer ownership of the house to you via a quit-claim? Since you have been living there for quite some time, it seems, and she is of sound mind, this coukd be viable.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

People who are not caregivers -- which includes your siblings -- have no idea of the emotional and financial cost of being a caregiver. Your siblings are hung up on free rent when that is more than reasonable in exchange for 24/7 caregiving. You might put together some documentation of all you have spent, how much home health aides cost, all the work you perform -- and how your siblings have been spared the financial, physical, emotional, and time commitment. I realize that you think your siblings are evil -- and maybe they are -- but since they're not doing the caregiving they don't realize what it entails. They think you just sit around luxuriating in the house. If you give them the documents to prove otherwise, they may leave you alone and even be grateful. Anyway, it's worth a shot.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

First of all, whether or not you pay rent, you have tenant's rights. Your brother can't "put you out in the street" if your mom dies. He has to give you thirty-days notice; which might not be much comfort. But I'd surely plan on moving or buying mom's house or immediately begin paying rent if that happened.

Yours is a symbiotic relationship with your mom. You're providing her care. She's providing you a free place to live.

"We've decided we have to put this on a more business relationship. What's going on now isn't working. In exchange for rent and utilities/taxes she'd have to pay anyway, we're willing to keep providing her care with limits. We're going to need some respite care."

Don't expect them to provide it. Find out what it costs and explain that MOM'S paying it. Do your homework. Find out what services are available free. There are many. Start utilizing those; make a list of what else you need; research the prices; and come up with a number.

Their alternative, should they choose not to pay what's necessary, is for you to move and make the problem theirs.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Document, document, document-everything that you do & the cost of it all.
CYA....
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Maybe your mother could write up a life estate for you as far as the house is concerned. You and your siblings would still own the house, but you would be able to live in the house for the remainder of your life. If you decide to move at some point the house can be sold and you would get your share. My aunt was given a life estate on my grandmothers farm. Also another alternative, my husband was poa for his parents, he paid his sister $6000 a month for caring for his dad the last few months of his life. She recieved $1500 a month of it in cash, the rest went toward buying the house. She was a nurse and he was bedridden. I hope you can find a solution. Don't underestimate the greed that shows up when a parent is failing. Get something done now while your Mom is able to do it. I didn't get paid for caring for my parents, but I didn't have to give up my house. I lived in the same county. So I was lucky in that respect.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

Get your mum to have this in writing asap as you dont mention any dementia she is still competent!

I am in my mums house BUT my family would never do this to me as bad as they are also they would need me here to sort the house out as they are abroad but dont think i havnt thought about this as you never know how people can turn?

Get your mum to have a clause in her will that you stay there until you can move out when house is sold!

Im always shocked on here as to how low some family can go and this is the lowest ive heard. Blood is thicker than water BUT boils quicker!

hugs to you as this just isnt right i hope you sort this sooner rather than too later!
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

By the way, I have no interest in reading or looking at her will. She had it done years ago and I don't believe there have been any changes. Well, as far as I am aware there have not been any.

Idk how either one of them will handle things when she is gone, they cannot even get it together enough to help out now, so I doubt things will change then.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Thanks for the support. I don't see them as vindictive, evil, greedy, and drunk.They are! Well, my brother is a nightly 12 pack drinker...my sister has ALWAYS had a jealousy thing with me, it goes back a long way and I don't have a clue as to why.

Mom wants to stay in her home, with us (me, my hubby, and my daughter). She has made it VERY clear to us that she does not want anyone else to move in, but if it got to be too much for us and we wanted to move then that would be alright.

My mom is a very strong, caring, and self -less woman. She's always been there for ALL of us. I am definitely the closest to her and I see all the good and the bad. I'm the one who gets the attitude when she feels like crap, I'm the one sitting with her for hours in the ER, in the hospital, running to the rehab for dinner, etc. I am SO LUCKY to have such a wonderful husband. Most men would have turned tail and ran, but he's sticks around, helps her anytime she needs it, and stays out of the drama. He knows what's up though. He's been through this before and said that it will get worse, once she is gone.
When we move, we are moving clear across the country. My mom is in no shape to move and all her family and doctors are here, so no plans to move yet.

I've thought about just leaving the house and letting my brother deal with it once the time comes. Just getting all our stuff that we want to keep and selling the rest. We are going to start working on it soon. I don't want the house. I do love it, I love our yard and it's a great house with lots of memories but it is too big even for the four of us. Definitely too big for us three.

Idk what has gotten into them lately. It's sad when you actually forget that you have siblings. I forget, ALL the time, that I have a sister and brother. It's unfortunate. I can't tell you the last time I went and did anything with either one of them...it's been years.
My hubby and I are planning a trip this winter. My daughter has school so she will have to stay. I took her on a trip of a life time last fall. Too bad my hubby had to stay behind because we couldn't get a straight answer on who would come and stay with mom. It's that ridiculous.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Either way you have to move whether it's now or a month from now. Why spend attorney money on the inevitable? Find a place for your family and the best environment for her. Let your brother get the place ready to sell since he's so concerned with it. I was in your shoes raising three kids til two yrs ago when my mom passed. We went on a vacation each yr. I didn't want my kids to miss out on life. Take your 20 yr old baby and spouse somewhere. You probably need it more than you realize. The respite places she stayed in had singing bingo and other good stuff suitable for her limited mobility and understanding of the moods dementia brings on. It will be okay. Your siblings can always find other things to be mad at. Wishing you the best ...
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

I agree with taking mom to see her attorney to see if you can straighten this out. Getting more than one lawyer involved is only going to mean a bigger payday for mmore lawyers , not a solution. Would a family mediator help?

I think it would help matters if adult children realized that, unless their parents have an estate worth multiple millions, mom and dad's care is going to eat up all savings.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

I don't think you need to submit receipts to your brother for anything at this point. So what if he has POA if mom is still competent? That means his POA is not in play at this time. I agree it would be great to take mom to her attorney and get things settled. Just curious, does brother actually know what's in the will either?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Deliberate? The sister couldn't just have got it wrong? In my experience lots of people do.

There seems to be a tremendous amount of hurt, defensiveness and anger in this situation. And in the middle of it is your mother, who has very clear and onerous care needs, and what is she doing to address them? If she is still competent, and you seem confident that she is, then neither your nor your brother's POA is set in stone - let alone the executorship which, as has been pointed out, will in any case be constrained by the terms of your mother's will. Which, by the way, you have no business to see unless your mother wishes to show it to you.

You don't pay rent, but you are paying for utilities, groceries and other bills? I hope someone's keeping track of all that. If your brother has financial POA he needs to see receipts. Has anyone ever actually sat down and added up?

What I'm getting at is that there is a distinct lack of cards on the table, here. Your mother, being competent, holds all of them. She can solve all of this discord by making her wishes and intentions clear. Well..?

So, no you don't hire your own attorney. If you and your siblings aren't able to do this, you get your mother's attorney in to address with her the key issues of a) where she wishes to continue to live, how she wishes to be cared for, and how those arrangements are to be paid for; and b) whether she continues to be content with her will as it currently stands.

I'm sorry for the stress you're feeling, I am there too; but I think the solution is to get this messy situation tidied up rather than to see your siblings as spiteful, greedy, evil and drunk.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

OK, besides lawyering up and seeing if the financial POA can be changed or tenancy granted (and if Mom is of sound mind she CAN change the POA, but you best go through a lawyer because it sounds like greedy siblings will contest it), think about getting stuff that is worth saving organized and catalogued, and planning for an estate sale which will help you clear out the rest in a short time frame when the time comes.

The deliberate denial of respite for you is just plain vindictive. Your siblings need legal limits set and set firmly, and they need some kind of education on the value of the services you are performing. If they are less compassionate than the state Medicaid would be, that's beyond sad. This is probably not much more than pure human greed for $$$ they think they are supposed to inherit taking over where their moral compass and conscience are supposed to be.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

Than you for all the ideas and answers. I will look into the tenancy. They're all so hung up on the "free rent" thing but have NO IDEA how hard this has been on us. It's hard to see her decline, to have no privacy, to have to worry all the time...
I found out that private duty care in our part of the country costs $18,000 a month! That's WAY more than rent! I don't blame my mom, she'd just caught in the middle of this and I hate that, too. She is of sound mind and wants to have something notarized so we can stay in the house. The house is full of everyone's stuff, 30+ years worth. I've asked them for help multiple times to clean it out, but of course that falls on deaf ears too. I asked my hubby how long it would take and he said at least a year, to go through it all. I looked up the state minimum time to vacate and its like 10 days...I couldn't bury my mother and move in 10 days, there is no way. For my brother to act like this is SO ugly. It is disgusting. My sister is just going along because she is an ugly and jealous person. She has no power, except what she has been flexing at her work. I will be calling the home care company today to tell them that she is no longer allowed to have information, they need to call me to set things up. I am tired of her controlling that end, making sure that we don't have that little bit of extra help is just appalling. I had no idea they would act like this...but I am honestly not surprised. It's just sad. It's causing me anxiety and stress that I don't need right now.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Excellent idea, Pam!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I think a fair solution would be for Mom to grant you a tenancy equal to the amount of time you have cared for her, or a life tenancy, providing she is still competent to do so. After all, if she goes into a Nursing Home on Medicaid you would be the only person allowed to remain in the home, since you have been a caregiver over 2 years. That will give you ample time to plan your move out West.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

Is your mom of sound mind? If she is then put everything on paper. Count everything as though she would have outside help. Show her how much outside help costs and ask her to put her foot down between the siblings. It's not fair that you do 90% of the work for free rent. Make sure it's all in the Will or Trust. Don't fight with your siblings after she passes.My guess is that one week of your assistance is worth more than "the rent".

You are very smart to protect yourself. Siblings will take advantage of you if you let them and don't ask for compensation. There are givers and takers in the family. Takers have no conscience.

You need to put your pride aside and protect yourself from being taken advantage of. By all means take care of mom, but not for free. While you are slaving and giving up your life the others are benefiting health-wise and money-wise. They will be laughing all the way to the bank after your mom passes and you'll be left exhausted, and used, if you let them. In their selfish minds they think the free rent is a bid deal. Let them do ALL the work.

You can tell the agency that YOU have the POA and that they are to deal with you, only.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I am POA of health care and my brother (who drinks and is totally unreasonable) is the money POA and executor of her estate. He told me today that if something happens to my mom that he will only give me the "state minimum" time to vacate the premises. I let my mom know that and she was upset about it. Said she wants to type something up and have it notarized that will protect us from that. I found an atty's office with 45 years experience and I am going to call to at least schedule a consultation with them. I wish there were laws to protect us caregivers, but unfortunately there aren't any.
When I say we've given up our lives to care for her, I mean we really have. She cannot be home alone, so we get no time away for just us. My daughter helps, but she is young and I don't want to burden her with more than I already do.
My niece does help, every other week with one doctor appointment. My sister used to take her to church sometimes and she does her bills (although they are all piling up right now). She never takes her to appointments, to dialysis, to the ER, rarely visits, etc. When confronted, she blames me! We don't talk at all, which is a shame. I envy those who have a close relationship with their siblings and are able to count on them when needed. Mine? They just get all honked off when I call them out on their BS. Honestly, I am not worried about loosing a relationship with either of them. They're opportunistic, self absorbed, and my brother drinks a lot. I don't even know how we all came from the same parents. I am a health care professional and a very caring and sensitive individual. But, people always mistake my kindness for weakness and tend to really dislike it when I push back!

I'm not going to lie and act like they've always been there, because they haven't and everyone knows it. However, I won't be the one riddled with guilt when she's gone, nor will I be the greedy type that has their hand out waiting to get paid. But, I am going to do what I have to in order to protect myself. My sister is upset because she has no power, at all. So, I guess that is why she is now buddy buddy with my brother, who has financial POA. They both threatened me today but honestly, she hasn't a leg to stand on since she has no power and she is the LEAST helpful in the bunch!

&*@)!!@#!! What is it about family, especially siblings, that brings the ugly out in people? I just want to get along but they make that difficult. I also found out today that my mom should qualify for a home health aide that can do light house work, go to the grocery, etc. REGARDLESS of who lives here! My sister works for the home care company that comes (nursing, PT & OT). I have asked my sister about this in the past and she said that mom doesn't qualify because I live there(?). So I guess she has been lying this entire time which in her eyes is ok because God forbid we get a little help.

Can I, as her HCPOA, call the home care company and ask that she not be involved in any of mom's business with them? I mean, a little house work or going to the store would be a huge help to us and the fact that she is keeping that from us is just like her, she's that nasty. Plus, it's not like she's going to do it!

By the way, I don't want the house. My hubby, daughter and I all want to move out west someday and that has been our plan for many, many years.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

If your mom is of sound mind, bring it up to her about the living arrangements and get a lawyer to change the will, if necessary. Some lawyers will come to your home and do this. I hope your mom will make sure that you are taken care of.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Hi . I feel for you as I am in a similar situation. I don't live with my mom but I am the only one of three daughters who speaks to mom or gives a d*mn about her. About 9 years ago (when mom was turning 80) I decided to look into her long term care insurance to see what her plan covered. Oldest sister (we'll call her Cruella) had purchased insurance through her work. When I tried to get copy of plan cruella accused me if wAnting to cash it in. It has no cash value first of all, and second of all it was very hurtful but it opened my eyes immediately to her true colors. Long story short, though I had medical POA, she was in charge if every thing else including joint tenancy on moms house. I ended up having to hire a family lawyer (cost about $2500). Mom now has dementia and I just moved her to AL. Having everything squared away before she got sick was huge and made my life so much easierif she's competent do it now ! Explain to her your concerns and see what her reaction is. Then proceed a necessary with the help if an attorney. Good luck and keep us posted
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

What does the will say? He is the executor who is to execute the terms of the will. Mom can change her will and executor now if she's competent. After you see the will (obviously now before mom dies), then see an attorney for advice. Don't piddle around now over how much your time is worth. Deal with the pressing issue of potential future homelessness.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

If you cannot talk to your siblings and have a rational discussion, you should see an attorney. Have THEY checked into how much it costs to have a live-in companion 24/7?

Around here, it's room and board free (granted it's only for the caregiver), a day off and approx. $1200-$1500 a week salary. That's just for basic non-medical, impersonal companion. I've just been checking around, because like you, all siblings are waiting for whatever $ is left after mom passes to be divided equally (she doesn't have much, but they don't know). They don't want to help at all, and never did, so they don't even understand what goes into care giving.

It looks to me as though your siblings should just GIVE you the house for the time and care that you are giving your mom. My DH paid for his brothers new car when he couldn't pitch in due to distance, and his brother was stuck just "managing" the accounting part of my MIL.

Tell them that you will pay rent, but will charge for services like if your mom had a HHA come for the week. Basically, take approx. $6400 (HHA salary for a month) and deduct that from rent. See who comes out ahead. I think they will owe YOU.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter