Need some support and advice. For background, my grandmother has six children (60s, four are here and two live out of the country). All well established, can retire from their jobs if they wanted to. They have been asking us, the grandchildren, to stay overnight often from 4pm to 9/10am the next day or 12 hour shifts, asking us to come at 9pm at night (which is just terrible timing) because the one caregiver wants to work 9a-9p. They didn’t want to hire help overnight because of how much it costs and it would be out of their pockets but has two caregiver during the day/they alternate (since Medicare covers some costs and they pay the difference)
Has anyone had experience with this? I have a family of my own, husband and a one year old toddler and I live an hour away with our own business that is growing, I’m in my late 20s. I was willing to help at first because my mom had been in the hospital with her and caring for her, prior to her injury often coming to visit 4-5 during the week while the other sisters only came during the weekends or when it was convenient. Now it’s growing on me taking care of my grandmother and I’m starting to resent my aunts. They ask us to help out and guilt trip us into committing to care of her overnight while they only take the shifts/hours easiest for them. Grandma is not the easiest as she has always been stubborn prior to her injury.
Two of grandchildren are only in their 20s and other one has a life of her own, career and business.
It seems more of an expectation from my aunts for us to help out while there are options they’re not willing to exercise & they aren’t willing to change their lives to take care of their mother. My mom is retired so they also expect her to come during the week and handle most of grandma’s affairs.
I’m at a loss and I don’t want to be resentful yet the nights I’m here I can’t sleep and I’m exhausted the next day all because Grandma won’t pee in her diaper so she wakes up multiple times to pee, she has a back brace she has to put on and won’t call us for help, we have to almost stay awake. It’s only been one day a week but this week turned into two, next week is two days back to back because one of the aunts decided to take a family trip, the rest of the month I’m doing once a week. I feel like I shouldn’t complain but I want to be able to live my life with my own family..
Any advice would be awesome.
Again, tell them that as of Monday, (or whatever day you chose) there will be no more. Make sure you are at your own home with your husband and child on Christmas; they can deal with grandma.
Say "I'm sorry but I can't physically or mentality do that any more." Period. Repeat as often as necessary until it sinks in. Step back completely and don't show up. Maybe then they will take it seriously and make any one of numerous OTHER arrangements/options. Not your circus, not your problem.
First of all, ‘keeping the peace’ stuff NEVER works! EVER!
The only thing that ‘keeping the peace’ attitude does is work against you by setting yourself up to be taken advantage of.
I grew up in a family that had that mentality and it made me crazy!
All it teaches is how to suppress feelings. I spent a long time in therapy learning how to deprogram that type of ‘keep the peace’ nonsense out of my life.
The stress and exhaustion are going to catch up with you.
Tell your mom, aunts and anyone else, NO MORE!
You don’t have to be their doormat. You deserve to live your own life.
Step away entirely! If you give them an inch they will want a mile!
Do not be concerned what the others do. They are not your responsibility.
Set the example for them to follow that it’s okay to say, NO MORE!
Often all it takes is one strong person to stand up and then others find strength to follow. Take that lead! I have faith in you to do this. You already took the first step by reaching out for help.
If your cousins don’t follow your lead, that is their choice.
Best wishes to you and your family.
Please find a way out of this. They have the means to pay and it is not your responsibility. Do not feel guilty.
By the way, Medicare does not pay for aides. The only time it does is if a person has been in the hospital or rehab. Usually its just therapy or woundcare where in home services are provided. Even then, an aide only comes out about 3x a week. Once therapy is done, wound healed, the person is decharged from the services. If Gmom is getting aides its maybe Medicaid you mean. If so, then Gmom has no money to pay addition aides.
Also, make sure that your parents make plans for their own future that doesn't have you doing full time care.
All the best
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