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As long as you do it, they will expect it. And if you go down, who will take over for them? It is imperative that you take care of yourself, and that is not selfish. Believe me I have learned this the hard way and am just now beginning to make sure that my health, physical and mental, are taken into consideration. I don't know what it is about the elderly but they seem to lose all perspective when it comes to what is doable and what is just plain selfish. I suppose they really do regress and become like demanding little children and just like children they need to be given boundaries and told "NO" and expected to take care of their own needs by hiring someone to help when it becomes to much for you. I operated in guilt for way to long and that is over. I do what I can on a daily basis and when I need help I ask for it. If my brother and sister won't pitch in then I threaten to hire someone and they make a quick turn around because God forbid we should spend some of the inheritance to care for Pop.
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Yes, I am with you! My Mom lives with me, so I can't even go home and be alone there, cuz this is it! I have a new little Yorkie-poo dog which helps me immensely, and likes Mom as well. I have a brother who lives 90 min. away and comes twice a month, sometimes 3 times. Big deal. He stays for 3 hours- he has no idea of what I go through on a daily basis! One day when he was coming, I had planned a "getaway" to see a friend for a few hours in a town an hour away. I told him once he got there, otherwise there would have been an excuse. I haven't seen my grandkids in over a year and they are just 2+ hours away. I miss them! They could come here, but don't. Mom isn't too good at traveling very far. I have no life either, it seems, but you just have to try and find time alone for yourself or you'll go crazy! I am looking into Adult Day Care places not far away- even one day a week to take her, and give me a break. Find things for you to do too- get away a day...do something to feel a little breather from time-to-time. When I get really stressed, that's when I know I need it!
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Yes, I am with you! My Mom lives with me, so I can't even go home and be alone there, cuz this is it! I have a new little Yorkie-poo dog which helps me immensely, and likes Mom as well. I have a brother who lives 90 min. away and comes twice a month, sometimes 3 times. Big deal. He stays for 3 hours- he has no idea of what I go through on a daily basis! One day when he was coming, I had planned a "getaway" to see a friend for a few hours in a town an hour away. I told him once he got there, otherwise there would have been an excuse. I haven't seen my grandkids in over a year and they are just 2+ hours away. I miss them! They could come here, but don't. Mom isn't too good at traveling very far. I have no life either, it seems, but you just have to try and find time alone for yourself or you'll go crazy! I am looking into Adult Day Care places not far away- even one day a week to take her, and give me a break. Find things for you to do too- get away a day...do something to feel a little breather from time-to-time. When I get really stressed, that's when I know I need it!
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I think most of us understand. That is why we are here. After just coming out of several years of doing this myself for my mom, I would do things very differently. If your sibs are not going to help, you are in big trouble. Believe me, I am there now. They are blaming me for their own guilt and lack of helping. You cannot do it alone. For your heath and sanity. Get help or Run!
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Ask your parents what their plan would be if you die before they do! Get the book 'Boundaries' by Dr. Henry Cloud, Dr. John Townsend. It is a paperback and not expensive. Learn it and practice it! There is nothing you can say and do that will cause your parents to become responsible for themselves or see that they need help beyond you. I hear this constantly from my mother who lives home alone now because dad has been placed for 18 months now. She refuses any caregiver help; she only wants 'family' in her home; it makes no difference that all family lives out of town from her. It makes no difference that I, as the only daughter, live 5 hours away, have a husband with Parkinson's Disease, am 70 yrs old myself, still run a home business to give us extra $$ we need above our SS checks.....it should be me, or I should 'make' our two daughters come help her! I got a caregiver for my dad by telling him that he needed to 'try it for a month' because we needed a plan. He had dementia bad enough that he forgot to start complaining again after we got past the month and that caregiver stayed for a year. But Mom didn't like it! Her dementia is not that bad yet...but fastly progressing the past 6 months. If I were you, I would tell your dad, that your doctor has said, for your health, you must limit your activities for 3 months until you heal from your surgery, or you risk further health problems. Then tell him, he needs a plan and he needs to try a caregiver coming in part time or whatever is right for you....for those 3 months so you can get better. If he argues, ask the question....what would be his plan if you died? What would he do then? He would have NO help from you. EVER AGAIN. So would he like to help you get better by getting help for 3 months and know you would be there to do 'what you could do'? THEN....if you create a 3 month plan, YOU define what you will be able to do after that. You can always use the doctor's restrictions as you want to state them, if straight talk won't help. In my case, the elder care attorney said that I should blame all decisions on him....and tell my parents to call his office and ask why I had to do things this way or that way....and he would be the 'bad guy' who told me what I had to do. THAT sure works well! Another lesson I learned from our case worker....when your parents are elderly and you become responsible, it is no longer about 'making them happy'.....it becomes about 'keeping them safe'. If they cannot be rational in discussions, one should consider whether you have dementia going on with one or both of them. I have learned a lot about dementia. People who have it, can appear perfectly normal in short term social situations....yet have their decision making abilities greatly limited. The child must take control and must maintain those BOUNDARIES! I found the book VERY helpful and hope you might too.
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God Bless You! I know what you are going through! I take care of both ny disabled parents. Dad had a stroke and can only feed himself...my mom has gout, congestive heart failure, diabetes and I do wound care for her. They are both in their 80's. I do cooking, cleaning, shopping, errands, doctor appts etc... it never ends. Nonstop...add to that I have chronic fatigue syndrome and severe insomnia. Grace of God is the only reason I am alive. My husband and I brought both our parents to live with US...my husband is a saint. My parents are severely dysfunctional...you would not believe this stuff! Woo-hoo! My advice to you would be to try and slow down some way...a am trying to also...but it is the only way. Maybe you can get a caregiver to help out a bit even if your parents do not agree....you've to put your health first, mentally and physically or you will not be able to keep up....believe me! I got a caregiver to come in a few nights a week to relieve me, but funny thing is when I go out I don't know what to do with myself anymore because I am so used to being here...add to it that I do not have any friends ...I have 4 sisters that do not help out at all...they stay away as they do not like the dysfunction but I say shame on them! God sees all that you do and He will reward you accordingly. Try to carry your cross as best as you can, but look into getting some help please. I am so sick from stress the doctors are perplexed to say the least...please do not end up like me. Look up severe adrenal fatigue on the internet...see if that describes you. Best wishes and prayers being sent your way!
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I'm sorry to hear about your situation and as others have posted, it is up to you to decide between going down physically or recruiting help. Since you can't change your siblings and their lack of helping, you need to call today for some relief by contacting local agencies that provide services. If your parents don't have the money for services, draw up a plan to split the fee with your 5 siblings. Mail them the papers certified mail with return receipt do they know they need to step up. Be proactive about this and calm if they call, and relay that this is a fair solution to meeting ends for your parents. Your grand kids deserve grandparents and you deserve to maintain family relationships. Do it today.
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My heart goes out to you. For many years I have taken care of my parents,recently my mother passed after a long battle with COPD, my father suffered a stroke one week to the day after she died. My self and my siblings have begged my mom to divorce my father because he was just no good, mean nasty an abusive , physically an mentally to her an his children, but she never did. Today I'm taking care of him an he goes out of his way to touchier me . He calls my name nonstop all day long, so I am constantly having to check to see what he wants, an then he will say I don't need anything, or he will point to an object across the room an say move that. If I don't comply with his wishes he will shred his diaper, yes, he is incontinent of urine an stool an I have to change him or check on him often or he will take his poop an smear it. None of my siblings will even come to help because they dislike him so much. I have an aid for 4 hours a day 4x a week but they come an go because he will use such filthy language to them an be so demanding, plus he is very resistant with any thing you try to do with him. I am disabled, RA and a bad back, I can't afford to put him in a nursing home so for now I am a prisoner in my home. Take care best to you an pray
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As a caregiver, if I don't take care of myself, I won't be able to help anyone else.
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STOP. STOP IT NOW. Been there, done that......you MUST take care of you because what are your parents going to do if you, the caregiver ends up unable to care for them??? Caregiver MUST take care of themselves first and foremost!
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Medicare will cover the first 100 days of rehab in a skilled nursing facility. If he/they cannot afford nursing home care, you can apply for Medicaid. Was your father a Veteran? If so, apply for VA benefits. Do you have Power of Attorney for your parents. I was in the same boat 4 years ago, trying to care for them myself. It was a total nightmare. My mother had Parkinson's dementia and control over their money which she would not spend on anything. My father was falling frequently. He had Lewy Body Disease which impaired his walking neurologically. But mother made him walk without using a walker or wheelchair thinking exercise would help him. I had to get Power of Attorney in order to manage their finances and pay for an assisted living facility. It was not easy but my brother and sisters helped me convince them to grant me Power of Attorney. Unfortunately they all live up north and I'm the only one in Florida where my parents live. I am also in poor health. Mother passed away in 2012 and Dad is in skilled nursing. Believe me, you need to take care of yourself and make arrangements for your parents or they may outlive you.
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Wow, 10 years? That is a very long time. How much can they do by themselves? I would provide them the resources for your area and tell them they have to make that call, because your not it. Agree to what you can do and let the rest go.

You have to make a stand for yourself. Take care of you first. YES, easier said than done. Give yourself permission to feel guilty about not being available. And get some sleep.

Here we have Souther Caregivers. See what you can find in your area similar. They take care of the caregiver and offer support.

Bless you.
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I forgot to mention, I've been caring for my mom for almost 5 years. I went through chemo and radiation for breast cancer last year and suffer with chronic pain with arthritis in my neck and disk degeneration. I'm 53 years old and feel older than my mom!
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Oh I can completely understand, yet lucky you have not hit the tail-end of mine. while I was beginning to take care of my parents , my mom took a fall and the next thing I know protective services was sticking their nose where it did not belong. I have more stress and everything else and my parents are now in a nursing home and I am about to be tossed to the street with no job, no help no nothing. so find a way to breath and relax and take care of them while you have them before everything is gone because of a thing called corruption and greed if they find a loop hole to get into your lives they will destroy you and everyone else in your family just to get everything you and your parents own.
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I believe you. You sound totally overwhelmed. Have you called a senior help line? Minnesota has something called the senior linkage line. they may have some resources. I would get a really good therapist to help you sort things out, have boundaries so you don't have a breakdown. That is really difficult. There may be geriatric therapists (although they are hard to come by) that could help

I like suggestions from fredflyer. getting a grocery service to deliver would be great. getting set up for something like a company that can take them to appointments would be helpful.

I agree that if they have declined caregivers to help them, then that is there decision. It is tough to see them suffer, but they are adults and are making their own choices. If dementia is involved then that is a different thing. They sound like good candidates for assisted living. If they won't consider that, then again, they are adults that are making choices for themselves even though they seem unwise. if they were teenagers or young adults, you would have to practice some tough love.

It is very difficult to see a parent age and loose the skills they once had. There is grief for you as their child to see and experience the switch from you as child and them as parents. It certainly is not easy by any means. Take good care of yourself. When you are healthier, it makes a really hard situation easier to handle. Life isn't fair. Some of us are the ones that the parents turn to to take care of them. Other siblings get off scott free and often don't listen to your distress. It might helpl to be very specific with your siblings. When you talk with them, ask them to just listen to your frustration. Or ask them to help you problem solve. They are probably scared to get drawn into the situation and while that is not fair to you, they probably withdraw because of it.

Take heart from what fits for you from my words and let the rest go. It is hard to know what any person is experiencing. You are not alone in this. Because our parents are living longer and longer with more and more health issues, there are many of us in this position.
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You are on your way, because you are asking for help. It's always hard to transition to a caregiver outside of the family, but you should do it - NOW. Use a licensed agency so you have a full back up team!
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My mom has lived with me getting close to 2 years now. One sister decided that she is no longer "well enough" to help out and my other sister works full time. Mom can still shuffle to the bathroom with her rollator and feed herself but I have to do everything else. I have had hot flashes for 13 years now. I have tried HRT but got scared off so found a natural thing that worked for a while but no longer. I am so stressed out all of the time and that is a huge trigger for hot flashes. I don't sleep well at night, I'm tired all the time but all she will do is make comments about how busy I am while refusing to see what a burden it has placed on me having to do everything for her. I am just worn out and worn down and would advise anybody and everybody that is considering moving a parent in or allowing the parent to keep making the "child" feel responsible for their care, don't do it!!!! Find help but don't take it all on yourself. She has been very good at making me feel very guilty through the years and has come out and told me I owe her because of all the things she did for me which made me furious because I have done many, many things for her if she wants to keep count. She never learned to drive so I have hauled her everywhere she needed to go for years especially since my dad has been gone. She lives in her Pollyanna world of make believe saying how we spoil and pamper her instead of facing the truth - she is wearing us out and down. Can't put her in a home because of the guilt I would feel and it would be up to me to do it and go check on her all the time. I have felt so terribly depressed lately and that's not like me but don't know how to change it. Take your life back deetired and spend time with the grandkids and do not allow your dad to do this to you. I have had people say well they took care of you when you were little now it's your turn - people plan to have babies and the goal is to bring them up to be independent people. Nobody ever thinks about having an aged parent come to live with them, turn their lives upside down, lose sleep, feel stressed all the time. Help out, sure. Arrange for help or care, sure. Become a caregiver/slave - NO I have vowed I will never do this to my kids - it isn't fair to them and I care enough about them I don't want to ever put them in this position.
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MLH1967, think of it this way, what would happen if you got hit by that preverbal bus? Guess where your Mom would be living.... in a retirement home. So don't feel guilty about putting your Mom into a nice place where she can make new friends, never be bored. In fact, I have read on these forums here where some Moms really love their new *home*.

You are not alone with those hot flashes.... I went through that, as with most women, during menopause and was thrilled when the flashes were very far and very few between. Then my Dad stopped driving, and now I was their "driver", and oh my gosh, these people wanted to go places 2 to 3 times a day. After a year I started to get panic attacks while driving.... now 6 years later when I check the calendar and see I need to drive my parents some where the next day, the panic attacks and hot flashes start the night before :(
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I have been in this situation have four sisters and no support what so ever. Came to visit and just critisized and worried about my Mother out living her money. Very sad how greed takes over. 28 months ago my Mother broke her hip while out on pouch at 9:00 pm at night I was sleeping. Well fast forward five months I was talked into breaking her home thinking that their would be help and none came. She has multiple problems including O2 and Colon problem I did make it a requirement that there would be healthcare workers comming in to bath and companionship they even got mad about that imagine that wanting the son to give him 87 year mother a bath. It sad to say the least that daughters can't help take care of Mother when they need it. They bring up how they were raised and this and that what happened to compassion and forgiveness. No heart and no conscience very sad. Well I am still here and staying with her 20 hours a day have not left the house for over 28 months. What do you do when you care.
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Deetired, many of us get to this point after years of doing all of the care. Often, it's best for the health and safety of our loved ones as well as the health and sanity of the caregiver to look for good help. In-home help is enough in some cases, but often a good nursing home gives your loved one the care needed, leaving you the freedom to rest and then provide the emotional interaction.

You will probably be much more able to provide a positive loving presence if you get some respite and real sleep.

No guilt necessary. I realize that this is easier to say when you live in an area like I do where nursing homes are, for the most part, progressive and considered very good to excellent. However, as was mentioned previously - if your health is destroyed, where would your mother be then? In a nursing home without your support.

It's time to get something in place for both of your sakes.
Carol
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i understand. i too take care of my mom an dad. i dont live w/ them. i have 3 sons so its hard to b there for my family and them. yesterday social services said a daughter called on them so my parents think i did it. i cook meals for my mom an dad has a feeding tube. my mom dosn't always feed him or he just dont want the feeding. thier house is a mess. my dad thinks he can still do stuff but then, he will throw up. my sis only goes over to visit 2 times a year. i have depression. i take meds. i feel ur pain.i cant always b there for them. i have a family to take care of too. its so hard. i understand. god bless u child of god.
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I was drifting into being at my dad's beck and call; trying to make sure all his needs were met. I didn't get as far as you (God bless you!), only because I reached my limit a lot sooner.
Here's what worked for me -
I realized that he is, in many ways, like a toddler. He just wants what he wants, when he wants it. Period. It's useless to argue or try to get him to understand.
So, I just started to 'parent' him. I think about each situation and determine what's reasonable and that's what I do. Anything else he wants, I just say "I can't." I arrange alternatives and strongly suggest he do them.
It REALLY helped me to think of myself in the role of Mom rather than daughter.
Toddlers make lots of unreasonable (and even dangerous) demands. Moms decide which will be met.
My first step in breaking the overcommitment I'd drifted into with dad was to tell him that my work situation had changed (in your case, you have your health situation) and I'd no longer be able to drive him to his favorite coffee stop EVERY day. I'd made a reservation for him at the senior center for a couple of days a week and scheduled a ride for him. He balked and said he'd just sit home – just like toddlers do, unable to see how they might like anything other than what they want. But, I bullied him into trying. He now goes willingly several times a week. It's just his 'new normal'.
You're the Mom, you need to call the shots.
Most parents don't WANT a 'stranger' in their house as a caregiver. So what. Do you get everything you WANT?? Of course not, when we're lucky, we get what we NEED, sometimes not even that. You are certainly being shorted in that department in your current situation!
You know what to do, the hard part is doing it.
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I am going through the same thing so my heart goes out to you. I have two elderly parents; my father had a stroke and my mother has so many illnesses that I cannot list them all. My older brother used to help me but then I had to take care of him due to his illness ( cancer) and subsequent death. Then my son who helped me was murdered and my daughter went away to college. I am all alone and I cry my eyes out every day. My father has feces all over the bathroom floor and his bed that I have to clean. I get up at 3am-8pm to work and come home to cook, clean and go over the multitude of doctor appointments. I haven't been to a doctor in years because I have to take so much time off for my parents. I don't know what to do but I keep my faith in God and pray for strength because after all, I am so blessed to at least still have my parents. God Bless you and hang in there!
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I do understand. Talk to a social worker. I just did and she gave me great ideas. I have been caregiving for 15 years. Mom 90 dementia, dad 93 pretty good health but complains he needs to see doctor. I work full time and get out now and then , because I take the time for myself. I cannot take vacations though. My brother lives far away . They live with me but do not want an aide to come in either. I understand completely. I understand about your health. Have faith in God, slow down, do not over perform for your parents, do things in stages, step by step, invite friends for coffee...good for you and the social event is good for them, if they will allow people to have a short visit. If you can drive and are mobile once you heal from your surgery, take them out for long rides. Its a great change of pace and good for you. See your grand kids. Make a day and just make your parents understand. If you cannot do this, the social worker can maybe make them understand at a house visit which I know they do this to assess the situation. Medicare will pay for some of this or maybe all, even a few hours a week. I will pray for you, for your health and for things to fall into place so that you can get more freedowm...the social worker will talk to you about legal matters...if not for anything else, it will give you a new prospective on the situation knowing that there is help out there, even if you don't use it. Jane
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I began stepping back from my elderly parents, 86 and 87, several years ago. My family is very long lived and there is a good chance that one or both could live past 100. My mother has 3 older sibling still living and an aunt who died this year at 101! So I made the decision that I would help out if asked but rarely do I volunteer. I have suggest and found resources for them for cleaners, taxi, etc. but they don't want strangers in the house, etc. I am 60 years old and want to enjoy the next 10 years selfishly doing the things I want to do, not cleaning, laundry and errands for my parents. I paid my dues as a child helping with daily cleaning and cooking responsibilities so I don't feel that I "owe" my parents for my early care. I have made it clear to them that I pay someone to clean my own house and do the yard work I that I don't intend to do theirs. If they want help I will find someone. I have checked into getting the laundry moved upstairs but no, too much trouble. I have told Mom that it will be cheaper than another stay in hospital if she falls but no. I have found a taxi service subsidized by the county that will take her anywhere she wants to go but no, too much trouble. So when she complains about inconveniences I just nod and say how sad her life is and move on. The lives of the elderly are to be sympathized with but in the end you can only do so much. Mental and physical decline are inevitable and it is not your fault.
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I know where you are coming from, I have been in the very same situation since the age of 16, when my only sister move to another province and I was the only one close to parents to look after there needs. Wasn't such a problem when I was younger , but now at 65 things are changing quickly and
dramatically. My father passed away in 93 , a total year of upheaval for me. Just 4 years into a new house, loosing my job of 20 years due to closure of the business and now added support for my mother who is alone .
I will not go into detail, but from 93 onward things have gotten more and more demanding and difficult and mother is still here ( she is now 94 and living alone in an apartment) . She speaks no fluent English, cannot deal with medical and legal issues because of the language deficiency is more that 50% deaf, but is as strong as an OX. I am frightened that she may outlast me health wise. I have medical issues of my own , diagnosed in 94 shortly after the death of my father with MS plus a few others like a lazy thyroid, depression, and on and on.
Time is running out and I must schedule both mom's and my medical appointment, along with that I still live independent alone in my own home ( which added issues to deal with such as repairs and renovations. I have not held a permanent job since 2007, and only this will be entitled to pension. I only have the one , never worked where the company had an employee pension of any kind. So, now the also added headache of finances.
I like you keep asking myself when is it enough and when if ever will I have a life of any kind.
To add to the questions is , yes , mother is still able t look after personal need , but is constantly told if it doesn't feel right , don't do till some one is here with you at the time.
I come home fuming angry from visits , I just whenever the phone rings, but as time moves I I have noticed that I am more mellow in my acceptance of looking after a parent,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,not fair , I agree, but so it is .
I support your efforts, and understand your anger.
I also have a sibling sister , and talking with her , I can see she has no understanding of what life could like when having to care for a parent in old age.
I wish you happiness, it may be a distance away , but you will receive it. I wish you strength to continue without too much anger , and most of all I wish you good health to continue the caring journey for as long as you are needed.
Lucy
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I am in the same boat. I am caregiver for my mother. I wish I had an answer. I am staying at my mom's house. She behaves better here, my husband and our pets are at our home. When she stays at my home she is a holy terror. I have 2 sisters yet I am it. appoinments, meds, meals, shopping etc... She has had 2 hearts attacks in 4 months, will not allow caregiver services, or meals on wheels in the house. She is mean and nasty to everyone. And she thinks she is independent too! I pray I die before I am like her, I don't want to do this to anyone else :(
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Sounds so familiar!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I to have prayed that same prayer, but I am determined not to be anyone's burden when my time arrives. My sister insists that she and her daughters will look after me , so not to worry. I have made it clear that I will not impose on her daughters in this way and I will live my life my way . Funny how siblings just think they are right,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, turns my stomach at times !
I will not brag, but after reading your story , I feel that I am luckier than you , in that it is only medical , legal, and banking situations that need me there. The hard part is playing interpreture,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,I am more than tired of explaining and justifying .
Hang in there ,your journey in caring has been harder than mine , I am here for you , and praise your efforts.
Lucy
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Before the end of this year, a new book will be available to help ease your aloneness. It's called "Catch Your Breath: Tender Meditations for Caregivers" by Linda Spalla. My heart goes out to you! It is the story of my journey with my mom who had leukemia.
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I myself have been taking care of my parents for awhile. I noticed myself getting sick over trying to please to much. I have a younger sis . i would go over thier house alot of times trying to get my dad to take his feedings through a tube in his stomach. He would turn his back to the feedings. my mom has lukemia an diabetes, . the house is a mess. Every time I would clean my mom would leave the house to go shopping. It junk would stack up. I called the proper athoritys but the said people can live the way they want. i txt my mom and told her i have a ulcer and she will have to find someone else to clean. Let my younger sis handle it, I just had to let go..
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