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My mother was abusive and neglectful. In her adult life she was manipulative and cruel. I’m an only child. I distanced myself from her for years. After several hospitalizations I stepped in and placed her in an ALF. She has dementia and multiple health issues. Long story short she has been placed on hospice. I haven’t seen her in months due to Covid. I recently got a call that she had another fall and a sharp decline. They agreed that I could visit. She recognized me right away and then launched into a litany of complaints and demands. I went back to feeling like a helpless 10 year old!!! She has always lied and made things up, and that hasn’t stopped. She mixes up her words and has very poor judgement, and seems to have hallucinations. But she also seems to know she can try and manipulate the situation. She is making outrageous accusations of the staff and saying her food is poisoned. She is cursing at me and telling me I am not defending her and she wants to leave the facility. And so on. Since my visit she is calling me and continuing with abusive behavior that is very familiar to me. I have set strong boundaries and consider myself just the manager of her business affairs. I have already spoken with an elder care attorney to insure I am managing everything to the best of my ability. I communicate with the staff to insure they understand her anxiety and depression. They have reported she is becoming a little combative. Given her dementia and reports of hallucinations, is it wrong to still be concrete, firm and direct with my responses? I haven’t returned for a visit. I am still upset.

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I am so sorry that you are losing your mom and that she still feels like she can use you as her scratching post.

Do what you can live with. There is no right or wrong in these situations. You have to protect your heart from her abusive behavior in any way that works for you.

You have been a great advocate and daughter, she doesn't need to see or acknowledge that to make it truth.

Great big warm hug for all you have done and will do!
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Mepowers Aug 2020
Thank you
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For your MOTHER'S sake, don't visit. You are apparently a trigger for her.

Talk to Hospice nurse about her agitation and stay away. Let the hospice nurse know that you would like to know when she is at the absolute end, medicated to the point of no anxiety IF you really feel like you need to visit again.

I find that so many folks think that there is going to be a "revelation" of love and kindness at the end of life. With a narc parent, it nevers happens. I had a friend, just this past week, go to visit his dad in hospice, hoping for an "I love you, you've been a wonderful son". It didn't happen.

When my mom (who was not by any means a narcissistic) lay dying on hospice and was comfortably medicated with morphine so that she was not anxious, my SIL asked the nurse, "why is mom not responding to us?". The nurse sighed and sad kindly "she's travelling now".

Truer words were never spoken. Mom was no longer with us, but she wasn't yet in Heaven.
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Mepowers Aug 2020
Thank you BarbBrooklyn - you always offer thoughtful answers! When I went for the visit, it was for an eyes on assessment of her condition. I expected a much worse scenario. I have no illusions of any Hallmark moment! I will not visit again until the very end. You are right - I am a trigger for her.
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YOU went “back to feeling like a helpless 10 year old” but your mom was just being her old self.

If she has been diagnosed as having dementia, all of the words she says are just.... words. They are not about you. They just aren’t.

When she sees you, your image evokes from her damaged brain a reflexive succession of.........words. Not thoughts. Not insults. JUST words.

Her brain doesn’t function as an organizer, filter, expressive tool, because it is now irreparably DAMAGED. Whoever she was in your childhood is no longer here, talking to you.

You are doing for her what a loving, supportive, objective thinking person does to provide SAFE, ongoing care by professionally trained caregivers.

Your job is not to be a target. In EVERY DEALING GOING FORWARD, consider that you are honoring her with good care, AND honoring YOURSELF by ACCEPTING the fact that you are choosing to do what she needs and choosing NOT to allow her behavior to cause you discomfort.

Be good to yourself. You deserve good care too!
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Mepowers Aug 2020
Thank you for your thoughtful response. I will remind myself to not be the target!
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You and your Mom reassumed your normal positions while you visited. If you want more of it, then visit again. To be honest, she is just another flawed human being, and more flawed than many. There is no reason now to visit. To be frank it upsets her as much as it upsets you, because she is still able to click into trying to manipulate you. You always knew what you had as a Mom and her limitations.
The limitations of my own partner's Mom were so severe that he was only relieved when she died. His Sundays were now free from the always miserable phone call, which was all they had left after a lifetime of a relationship that was a torment. He never looked back. It was what it was, not what he would have chosen.
I am so sorry, but I am also relieved to see that you are as sensible and giving a human being as you are, after all that. She will soon come to peace. And peace is all I can wish you. I hope you don't put either of your through this again. They will medicate her as needed hopefully, and perhaps hospice should now be considered. I am so sorry for all you went through in your life, and for what you must go through now. And for your Mom as well, for her life gave her only suffering without peace. It is where this inevitably leads.
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Mepowers Aug 2020
Yes. You hit the nail on the head and thank you. I did decide not to visit again until things may change for the worse. You are right - it didn’t provide her with any comfort to see me and I ended up feeling anxious and a little nutty for a day!
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I had a similar situation -- and life experience -- with my mother. Now her dementia and decline make her, believe it or not, an easier person to be around and I like her more than I've ever liked her in my life! Before this last major decline she was nasty and difficult. She would do anything to hurt my feelings...and she did. Sometimes I would leave the facility in tears. The nurse said, "Stay away. She doesn't care if you see her or not. So don't see her. Take care of yourself." It was the best advice I received.

Always consider yourself in this arrangement. Don't guilt yourself. Do what you can do emotionally and physically.
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Mepowers Aug 2020
Thank you! It’s very validating!
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It doesn't sound like your mom was a very nice person when she was healthy. She certainly is not going to change now. Care for her from a distance. If she calls, place the phone down and let her rant, then say you have to go. It takes two to argue and her brain is not healthy so decide not to argue or try to explain things to her. My mom is very similar and I keep my visits and calls short. If she begins to get abusive I leave or get off the phone. You do not have to accept this for yourself. All of this emotional turmoil will only make you sick. God help you.
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Mepowers Aug 2020
Yes - that is great strategy! Thank you for your response! And sharing your story!
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I would wonder why Hospice is not giving her something to help with the aggression. She is under their care.

I guess you are going to need to go back to the way you were handling things. Narcissists don't change. From what I have read, they can't do therapy because they don't think anything is wrong.
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Mepowers Aug 2020
i had a discussion with the hospice staff about transdermal meds - she has been spitting out her regular meds. Thank you for your answer! And your care and concern.
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Continue with how you are handling this situation. It sounds like you have good boundaries. I'm surprised she is now calling you daily. You need to block her calls and do not answer. If there is anything significant to share, the staff will call you.I would not allow my dad to have a phone once he was in the NH as I knew from past experience he would call me with constant complaints and crazy talk.
I am not surprised she laid into you when you went to see her as you have probably always been a target for her. And of course you did that out of a sense of obligation and concern and then when we are talked ugly to, we recoil. The very last words my dad said to me before he was on hospice was "I almost hate you". I was so sad he felt he needed to say that, but I knew it was his unhappiness at his situation. He was isolated because of Covid and I hadn't seen him for 3 months. He was in hospice two weeks later. When they thought he was Imminent but he was still aware they told me I could visit, however, I would not see him as I was afraid of hearing ugly things, so I waited until he was in a coma to see him 48 hours before he died. You have to protect yourself and that is perfectly OK.
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Mepowers Aug 2020
Thank you - I am following that advice that you and others have shared to keep strong boundaries. And I do not plan on visiting until she is imminent.
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You keep doing everything you are doing. When she launches into her song and dance of abusiveness, you say, “Call you later,” and walk out.
Let the phone ring without an answer.

It took me YEARS to realize that’s what’s coming out of their mouths - abusive, yes, but only words. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt, dont get me wrong. But they are words. And you yourself have words. Like, “goodbye,” “Call you later,” and ultimately, “Have the staff call me if there’s an emergency.”

It’s tough, I know, believe me. My mother gets combative and she is of sound mind 100%. A few, “Hey I’m not going to tolerate thats” and she stopped, for good.

Good luck.
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Mepowers Aug 2020
Thank you! This is wise counsel!
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You do what is right for you physically and mentally.
If caring for her "from a distance" is the healthiest way for you to manage her and your feelings then that is the way you have to do it.
You do not have to make excuses for how you feel and please do not let the Guilt word enter into your mind about how you cope.
As long as you are doing the best that you can that is all anyone can ask or expect.

JoAnn29 had not posted her reply when I answered but I had to edit my reply when I read her comment....I agree that Hospice should be trying to manage the aggression. You should talk to them about that. (Or is it possible that she only acts out when you are there? If she has done this always with you it might be the way she "gets to you" and it is ingrained in her to act that way with you) In any case discuss with Hospice medication to help with anxiety or aggression.
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Mepowers Aug 2020
I think she definitely performs for me! And hospice has been alerted to the situation. Thank you for your response! This forum is great!
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