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Thank you vstefans & countrymouse. I notice yesterday that her son's truck was in the driveway all day. He is now having to take time out of his schedule to help his mom. Before I was sitting at Dr. office's with her taking sometimes 3+ hours out of my schedule. The poor woman has back pain and very high blood pressure, she needs to be monitored at an assisted living place. I believe she wanted me to care for her and it was too much and too over whelming. The neighbor and her son are trying to do it at home and now that I stepped out of the picture hopefully it will move the process faster for her to go into assisted living. 6 months ago the voice in my head kept saying 'she needs to go into assisted living'. Oh how I wish they would just make the move. My neighbor told me that her deceased husband was an insurance salesman so hopefully he has her retirement home set up..It is awful to watch her fight moving into one.
I talked with my mother over the phone yesterday and she always says 'the people here are so nice, I just love living here' and then she goes on talking about where they went and what they did. I just pray my neighbor can find such a place.
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"...It breaks my heart to think she is over there alone and lonesome…" Exactly! I'm gnashing my teeth with frustration here. Look, I'm sorry for her too and she's not even my neighbour. Her situation is VERY sad, being lonely in her son's house is terrible. BUT IT'S NOT YOUR DOING, and because of how she is you cannot help her, you darling girl. You need to insulate yourself, then just see how she gets on. It is up to her children to comfort her old age, not you.
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I feel sorry for her too, but I'm glad she isn't trying to run MY life. Ugh is right. She needs limits.
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Thank you vstefans. The woman has no supervision all day. Her son goes walking after work so does not get home until around 8. It breaks my heart to think she is over there alone and lonesome but I just can't take care of her anymore and I feel much better since I don't have to listen to or be constantly interrupted at her leisure. I still teeter back and forth with feeling guilty and feeling good that she is not calling me constantly. I just don't want to be on the receiving end of all that seething. There are people out there that have been seething for years and find an innocent person to harm so they can feel better. In the beginning when I met my neighbor I thought is was very ballsy to ask me to perm her hair and wash her windows. I blew it off and did it without complaining but then it became more and more. I was not born to be her personal slave. She did give me a few things she was going to throw away but the material stuff never outweighed the constant bugging me to do things and then bugging my husband and then daughter. If neighbor had a more pleasant personality it would not be so d*mn draining. The constant talk about politics and the bad state of affairs was awful. Anyone that knows me and my family know we talk about crazy things, we laugh a lot I have been called eccentric but dry and boring me are not and I know I can't deal with it at any age. Yet I still feel sorry for her. ugh.
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Dof4, it breaks my heart to see the depth of guilt you have for being unable to set limits with this woman that would have allowed you to have a relationship on your own, more reasonable terms. It may simply not have been possible. The clean break may have been the only way. Her seething anger has been setting you on edge, but it really is not something you should "own." You do not deserve her wrath and need to think as realistically as possible what harm she is capable of doing to you or not, and feel free to take steps to protect yourself from petty vandalism if that's all that's realistic, or more drastic steps if she has actual access to dangerous weapons and poor supervision.
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Thanks 1tired. Just because my neighbor is 84 does not mean she can't be dangerous. There are people in the late 80 and beyond that have caused some horrible things to happen. I have lived in my home for 31 years and have never had a dead bird in my walkway towards my door. I have picked up plenty in the front of the yard or the back but never in my walkway. When I leave my home, I have a habit of checking the front door to make sure there are no packages or advertisements stuck to my door. I was gone for a little over an hour then I came home and saw the dead bird. Anytime I am around anyone that I sense are anxious or seething I feel impending doom because I know their anger can blow it's top any moment. My neighbor has a constant level of seething going on and I think that is what wore me out when I was around her. Thank you for the suggestion 1tired.. I remember reading one time that if you do something for someone or buy someone something and you feel it did not cost you a cent it really came from your heart.. I do not want to do anything that does not come from my heart and after a while I just felt used by my neighbor. Towards the end she was just plugging into my energy to sap me dry. She needed so much more from me but it was not a good back and forth relationship. Just because I do volunteer work does not make me anyone's personal slave. And just because I take care of all my mom's business does not mean I have the time or want to, to take care of all her needs and cares. Even though my mother lives in another state her care is all consuming. I don't even take vacations anymore, I just spend all my time off with my mother. I noticed that when my oldest brother visits my mother does not even know who he is. He is 60 years old and is always on his Iphone. The only reason he visits is because his wife makes him. His wife lost her own mother at age 9 so my mother is the only mother she has. I feel very blessed to have the love and support from my sister in law, she has been wonderful with helping me with things.
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If anything else happens, video cams are wonderful things that can be hidden. Just sayin...
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Countrymouse, I thought maybe a cat too but after any break up some weird things can happen..I went through my guilt feelings today again, telling myself she is an old lonesome woman and I feel sorry for her but she has enough strength to cause me major grief so I don't feel that sorry. I actually have a bunch of emotions floating around but her being out of my life feels much safer than when she was in my life. Of course, I worry about my own mother and hope that other people are being kind and respectful and patient with her. And if she ever grieved another person to the point my neighbor grieved me I would not blame them for getting a lot of distance. I also asked God to please not make me a bug a boo as I age.
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But so do cats love baby birds. Only not in a good way. xxx
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PS That's not just a country mouse being biased against cats! :) Actually I love them.
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A cat is a MUCH likelier culprit! Don't let this awful, stressful experience have you jumping at shadows. Just let it settle xxx
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Another update. I found a dead baby bird on my front porch. One of the first thoughts I had was that my neighbor put it there. I do not have trees in my front yard, only a couple of ever green trees that are still small. Today when my daughter came over my neighbor was sitting on her front porch and did not even wave after my daughter waved to her. I did not want it to turn into this. I wanted a friendly wave and me be there in case of an emergency, I just could not take her on an everyday basis. My husband does not think she left the dead bird but I just don't know. Each time my neighbor came over in the past, I could feel unstable seething and anger. Hopefully when more time goes by she will not be unfriendly, but I will take unfriendly to the everyday grief she has given me.. Oh how I wish she would go into a retirement home and get socialized and a steady stream of company and I really wish she would feel peace and happiness. It's been a hard road but I'm glad it has ended.
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Countrymouse, My intentions were to always keep a friendly approach and you are so right the situation got so appallingly out of hand. Tesoro12, I am staying consistent. I do not want to go through that again. I am still going through that guilt of thinking my neighbor is an older person age 84 and how would I feel if she died suddenly, but then again she could out live me. My husband and I do volunteer work for a few charities and my neighbor knows this and decided we need to do volunteer work for her. I truly do not mind helping her but she was monopolizing all of my time with her demands. I just pray that she keeps her distance so I can continue to have peace.
For me to continue on this life journey, I have to surround myself with uplifting people. I also realize I have to be around people that make me laugh and that I can make laugh. Laughter is highly important for me and I have decided it was something that calms my nerves. At 90 years old, my mother says some very off color things that will make me have a huge belly laugh. Another reason my neighbor sucked the lift out of me was because everything was so 'serious' and her idea of a good cuss word was 'crap'. At my mom's 90th birthday party she said 'I use to be a crazy b*tch but I'm great now' I laughed until I cried.
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Way to go, Dof4! That's progress! Hope out enjoyed your peace and quiet. Just one thing...she may not be truly done with you. She does seem mentally disturbed, and this sort of change may be hard for her to process or accept. So be prepared for a relapse, just like with an alcoholic or drug addict. If and when that happens, stay strong, and most of all, STAY CONSISTENT. Like was said before, intermittent reinforcement is very strong and would undermine all your hard work to get to this point. And in the meantime, enjoy your hard-earned peace and quiet.
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What a relief! Let water run under the bridge and everything will settle down nicely to normal neighbourly relations, God willing. It's not like you set out to cold-shoulder her, it's just that everything got so appallingly out of hand. Well done for speaking up x
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After talking to my neighbors son, I was able to go outside in my front yard without being harassed by my neighbor. She did not call all day. If she can go longer it would be great. There was a lot to think about after I had more time reading all your comments. She really may not know there was a problem. Many times I felt she was not being authentic with me and it wears me out to have to read between the lines constantly.. Now back to my regular life.
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Please excuse all my typos. Husband has a day off and way calling me to come to breakfast..
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Thank you all for your comments. Lots to think about a digest. With the ex boyfriend I did nothing to in courage the stalking. I did not answer the phone or door. His stalking was driving by my house and then getting a job close to my home and stalking some more.. It went on for 10 years, I thought he would give up or find someone else. I have talked to other women and have heard similar stories. I did nothing to continue the stalking. People that have been stalked for years know what I'm talking about, I just go about my life and they are stuck. Again I was clean in words and deeds that I was DONE with him. I am not wishy washy back and forth friendly then cold to give the wrong impression. The older neighbor and I have nothing in common. With most people it does not take long for them to figure out they are imposing but with my neighbor she really does not have a clue even though I have made it crystal clear. Today I talked to her son, his eyes got big like he understood what I said and smiled. I'm sure I am not her first victim. He does not realize he is not doing her a favor by living with her. Putting her somewhere that she can be social would benefit both of them and especially me. Lots of good comments and opinions here, I appreciate all of them.
I have no idea how it became such a huge problem other than when I quit taking her calls and worked through her many visits at my home. I can not stop and drink coffee for hours on end, I don't even drink coffee and I'm positive she is looking for someone to sit and drink coffee. When I visit my mother age 90 she does not want to do anything but sit and talk.. My mother has melted into her wheelchair like butter. My mother is can walk with a walker and go to the bathroom on her owl but wants to melt into her wheelchair. Oh it must be hard getting old. I'm 57 so I'm on my way. I have made a pack with myself to not bother innocent people as I get older and will ask my kids if they see me doing this to stop PDQ.
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BTW, if my mother ever started bothering her friend like your neighbor is doing to you, daughterof4, I would know it was time for her to go into assisted living or a nursing home. I wouldn't let her do that to another person.
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Earlier in the thread I wrote about the elderly man who was calling me. He called me again two nights ago and I answered this time. While we were talking he received another call. He checked the number and said that he didn't want to talk to the man. He said, "I don't know why he keeps calling me. We have nothing in common. He just calls to talk." All I could think of is that the pot was calling the kettle black. We talked a bit more and I mentioned that my mother had some things wrong because she was old. He said I had better not say that, because he was right there with her in age. Well??? All I could say was the standard growing old is not for sissies.

I realized that in some way the man felt he was different. He wasn't bothering a younger woman, because he doesn't see himself as old enough to be her father -- and not a very healthy one. Maybe the woman is the same way. She feels that she is gracing people with her over-presence.

I don't feel bad about not taking the man's calls anymore. There is some type of distortion going on that shouldn't be my burden. It is hard to be put into the "bad guy" role, but some people have to be contained or they will take over your life to serve their needs. It would be so uncomfortable to live next door. I think I would change my phone number and tell the woman flat out that all of her attention was not welcomed.

Watching out the window for things going on is not unusual for older people. My mother has a friend across the street and can tell you of her comings and goings. I find that a bit creepy, but it hasn't created any problems because she only talks to me about it. I would never let the neighbor know. My mother probably fixes on her because you can see her house and she is my mother's only friend. Boredom from inactivity can give rise to some strange behaviors, especially mixed with dementia.
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Daughter4 All I can think of is " How the H,E, double hockey sticks did this become my problem, now I have to speak with her son!"

I'm sure you have enough crap to deal with!! When she calls pick up and immediately tell her you are busy and have a lot going on. If she asks for something, tell her "you'll have to ask (son) to do it, I have to time"..

Just get it over with...
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She is a lonely old woman who thinks she's being a good neighbour - o irony of ironies - to the lovely young woman next door who's always been so friendly but must be having a really hard time of it at the moment because she's been behaving very oddly for some unknown reason...

Who wouldn't find it hard to tell her to p*ss off and stop being a pest? But police and lawyers descending on her out of the blue? I think that's disproportionate. Be forceful with the son: he has got to find his mother more constructive outlets for her energies and social needs.
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I, too have and have had demanding elderly neighbors.I get to a point where I just politely tell them I haven't the time but will gladly talk to their family about helping them out. I cut phone conversations short and make clear my day is often very busy.It usually doesn't take long for them to realize they may be imposing.
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I don't intend to be critical or discouraging, but I think the fact that you had a boyfriend who "would not leave [you] alone for over 10 years" is a reflection of how difficult it is for you to stop this enabling behavior and rationalization. I know you need to do it your way and respect that.
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By not answering my neighbors calls or talking with her I am not being wishy-washy I'm positive I am being Clear.
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If you really want to be rid of her, you must be less wishy-washy, and more assertive. Send her a certified letter, that is return receipt requested. State in this letter that you no longer wish to have any relationship with her at all. State that she is to leave you alone, not to talk to you or come on your property. Of course make a copy of this letter. Then when she does you have some authority. But like the others said you can't be nice one day and assertive the next day.
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I don't know if you ever watched Saturday Night Live, but Father Guido Sarducci was a character on the show. He used to do 5-Minute University which was a bit about what you'd remember from your college courses 20 years later - which would take five minutes. So "intermittent reinforcement and extinguishing behaviors" is my 5-Minute Psychology Degree University, LOL!!
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AMEN blannie. I think giving her an inch will make her take a mile again.. I am positive I do not want her in my life as a friend. .Just the fact that she called early in the morning is disturbing to me, I did not have my office light on because I was not home so she could have disrupted my sleep over her nonsense and craziness about having to know where I am and what I am doing. For God's sake, I work, got to Church teach a fitness class and then home again, my life is not that interesting and I have no idea why she has to know all the details. But then again I do agree with you blannie, it is mental illness and mental illness makes absolutely no sense. I suspect some OCD madness. Just the fact that I told my neighbor that I was worn out with my own mother and all her health and legal issues and then my neighbor tries to make me her free care giver really grieves me. I need a break from dealing with the elder. My dad died in 2010 and that was stressful now my mom getting older age 90 I NEED A BREAK from the draining elderly. Not all elderly are draining and I love my elderly friends. blannie, I love your analogy about trying to get kids to bed. Thank you. Looks like you put that 1971 degree to good use tonight. **Thank you.**
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I'm glad it is going better for you! Learning that you don't have to answer the door or the phone every time is huge and very freeing. Just wondering if she has sucked the life out of her son as well, sounds very demanding. Bet that is why he studies so much :)
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I don't agree with the "talk to her one more time" suggestion. A normal person with normal social interaction skills would have gotten the message by now. But this woman clearly isn't normal.

In psychology, intermittent reinforcement is the strongest kind of behavioral reinforcement there is. So if you want to keep someone coming back for more, interact with them once in a while, then stop, then interact with them again.

So in my view, 1) you're dealing with someone with mental illness, 2) engaging with her again will only cause her to believe there's hope for more interaction and start the whole thing over again. I'd block her number as my first step, I'd stay away from her and her son (who's probably just as mentally ill as she is) and I'd go on about my life. She's not worried about you, that's fantasy. She only wants someone to listen to her talk about her life and her problems.

It's like trying to get a kid to stay in there bed at night. They plead and plead and every time you give in and go in to bring them water or go in to tell them to go back to bed, you're reinforcing them to stay up longer and try it again.

To extinguish behavior quickly, you have to stop rewarding it cold turkey. That's my 4-year University of Illinois BA in Psychology from 1971 advice, LOL!
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