Negativity and guilt?

No one makes you feel guilty. People are by nature judgemental, and can often be mean, especially on media where somehow they feel free to give vent to their meanness.
Guilt is for those who have INTENTIONALLY and with MALICE done harm to others. You have limitations. You are not a Saint. As I like to point out, Saints end their lives shot full of arrows, and then spend eternity trying to answer the prayers of everyone else. Nasty job description.
We all feel wanting and imperfect, and nowhere does that turn up more than when we are unable to fulfill every need for either our children or our parents. It's called "life".
When someone judges your behavior simply tell them that you "appreciate their input and will thing about it" and move on. Does YouTube have a block button? Because Facebook does, and I love that particular function. Be sweet, smile, and move on.

I had suggested to my mom after her hospitalization in 2013 after breaking her hip that it was time to downsize. She said ok. So I went to see places, nixed the ones I knew she wouldn’t like. So I took her to see three of them. She decided she wanted to stay home for a while. I did her grocery shopping, doctor appointments etc etc. She had her second fall in October of 2014. She didn’t get hurt, but was in the hospital for a week and then to Rehab.

My husband suggested she move in with us to make it easier on me, no more driving 30 minutes back and forth. I knew it was a bad idea, but hubby knows more than I.

By Spring of 2015 it was time for mom to go. I work full time and she was helpless in my house. So I was online looking for places I hadn’t seen yet. I saw ad ad for a facility, why I didn’t think of it sooner. I called that morning went to see it that afternoon..took my mom the next day to see it, she liked it! It wasn’t fancy, the AL was more like a dormitory. She didn’t do well in AL, not very social. Almost a year later she moved to the SNF section and she thrived. She participated in all activities, made friends, attended church services there. The hairdresser was on her floor, so she was getting her hair done on a regular scheduled, even helped with folding of the towels in the salon. She had good three years there.

I never regretted moving her, the staff loved my mom. They cried when she passed in June, but she was well cared for, far better than I could have done.

I ‘ve heard that several relatives judge my decisions, but I’m okay with that at least my mom was happy and safe.

No actually my brothers and my friends have supported this decision. They understand that no one should give up their lives for another...might just be the crowd we run in!

I had to place my dad in memory care March 2017. He died a week ago today. At the moment, my mind is racing through all of the "what-ifs". Is there something more I could have done, etc. etc. I visited at least once a week and oversaw his needs and management for that whole time. He knows I was there. I am 52 and run a small business, usually working 6 days a week.

When he started down the path of dementia, my mom refused to care for him and ordered me to get him out of her house. I had to make a decision quickly: I could not move him into my home because I live down the street from their home and he would have just wandered back. The dynamics in their home were toxic to the point where I could not live there and continue to maintain my life. My only other choice was to get an apartment with him and have his care be my entire life.

Nobody ever made me feel guilty, except myself. Never, ever, ever did I think I would place a parent in a "home", but I did it, all by myself. It is a pain I will carry around for the rest of my life and it's mine to sort out. But not one person ever made me feel bad or said a negative thing about the situation. I do believe my dad overall received good care and I know that he was aware of that.

I agree with some of the other post on this topic. I imagine everyone who has been care giving for a long time wonders if and/or when that line will be crossed. It's a hard decision to make with many variables. I have to admit when I was a young woman, I couldn't imagine why people would put their elders in a nursing home. I have come to understand completely (damaged family relationships, other demands on the care giver, physical distance from the one needing care, personal health and financial means, etc.)

My sister and I have been taking care of our elderly mother and aunt for years. Our aunt passed away a couple of years ago and our mother has demanded the lion share of any free time we have. We both work full time and are self-supporting; neither of us are in a position to give up our jobs. She lives with me and we have a care giver stay with her when I am at work. Hospice is coming in three times a week now. I pray for nature to take it's course soon but if not, we are discussing a nursing home after the first of the year.

You can still be a part of her care. We don't plan to abandon our mother to a facility. We will still go by daily to check on and care for her but her constant falling, soiling herself, refusal to use canes/walkers, dementia, etc. have taken an emotional and physical toll. Do what you have to do for your peace and her safety.

One of our very wise “Senior Posters” said here once that no one can make you feel guilty unless you have done something wrong. I don’t know of anyone who’s ever posted here who didn’t agonize over the decision to place a loved in a facility. People who would denigrate that person or that decision are judgmental and presumptive and need something better to do with their time.

People can be so judgmental. Mostly because they simply don’t understand or perhaps they just like to gossip. You know what is right for you and your loved one so let that be your guide, not what other people think, feel or even say, whether it’s to your face, behind your back or online. They don’t matter. They just don’t.