My therapist wants me to talk to my mom’s Dr. about her dementia.

Millions of Americans function very well with ADHD and millions of Americans have it. I am glad you are in therapy.

Your therapist believes, clearly, that you are VERY high functioning if he or she believes that you are capable of getting your Mom tested for dementia. The sad truth is that you have to power to do that if she doesn't wish said testing. With the alcoholism and the family dynamics, and from the little you have told us, I myself believe you will not be able to intervene here, and that you should move out and move on with your own help. No one can help an alcoholic who doesn't want help.

For your own good now it is time to join Al-Anon. You will get tremendous support in that community.

I believe you should discuss with your therapist not how to change your family members, but how to work forward toward independence from them, whether that means moving into a semi-protective environment of group home or out on your own, whichever works well for you.
You are well spoken and capable of working. It's time to work toward a life of your own. IMHO. And I wish you the very best.

"My therapist wants me to talk to my mom’s Dr. about her dementia."

You can't just call up your Mom's doc and have this conversation (due to HIPAA rules). Her doc can't do anything without an actual exam. And she needs to go voluntarily. And even with a dementia diagnosis, the doc has no legal power to make her do anything about it.

But, an accurate diagnosis IS critical -- if she cooperates in going. There are many other illnesses that can mimic dementia, like a UTI, or dehydration, diabetes, vitamin deficiency (and if she's alcoholic she may have "wet brain"), etc. Many are treatable, some are not.

However... if no one is her PoA then no one has any power to make her do anything against her will. This is a legal fact.

You're living in her home and any help you provide her is probably giving the illusion that she's not having a problem. Unless your sister is living with her and seeing what you're seeing, she won't really understand what's going on.

We lived only 6 miles from my in-laws and saw them often but it took my StepFIL to be out of their house for 3 weeks in rehab after a fall to see how bad my MIL's memory actually was. It may take a therapeutic fib to get her in to a medical exam. This is where your sister would be useful. You tell your Mom any story that will motivate her for a "free annual physical" that is required in order for her to continue to receive her Medicare coverage or SS check or whatever story works. Sister goes with her with a pre-written note that she secretly hands to the staff outlining the family's concerns, mentioning the delusion about the cousin, and requesting a cognitive and memory test, and test for UTI.

The doc MUST be told accurately how much she drinks and how long this has been going on. At this same appointment your sister asks for the HIPAA Medical Representative form and you Mom puts you or your sister as the MR. Without this designation, your sister won't be able to get info on your Mom's test results directly.

If she is diagnosed with cognitive and/or memory impairment... then what?

Also in my opinion the BF should butt out. If it were my family I'd tell him to shut his pie hole about it. Who is buying her the booze?

So, getting an accurate diagnosis is the beginning of making all other decisions in this situation. I wish you success!

Is your sister now local? In the past, you wrote that when she moved to your area that she was going to take over caregiving for your mother.

Beware ex Navy SEALS...because of what they had to go through in their jobs, they can have unresolved PTSD.

You know what you have to do, right? Move out and make your own way. Does your mother receive enough in pension/Social Security for the both of you to live on? What happens to you when she dies?

Is Mike the BF buying mom the alcohol? When you see it... dump it.

Hope she is not driving..

Paul,

I am so sorry that you are dealing with all of this. You have been living with your mom for a very long time.

I’m sorry that your dad caused problems for your family. You are wise to avoid him.

So, what exactly are you concerned with? Is it because you are your mom’s primary caregiver, the drinking or not being taken seriously by your sister and her boyfriend? All of this is unsettling.

Have you contacted Council on Aging in your area to do an assessment of your mom’s needs?

You can call and make an appointment for Council on Aging to come to your home. Or do as your therapist suggested and bring mom to the doctor to be assessed. Are you taking meds for your ADHD?

Obviously, you are under a great deal of stress. Some people lose weight when stressed. Others gain weight when stressed. Have you spoken to your doctor about the best way to lose weight?

Do you want to move out? Go back to school? You say in your profile that you were attending and dropped out.

Have you considered looking into placement for your mom in a facility?

Wishing you and your mom all the best.