First of all if you are allowing caregiving for your MIL to break up your marriage, that's on you and no one else.
If you don't want to spend your time being a caregiver to your MIL - don't. Let your SIL know that you're done and either she can hire caregivers or your MIL can go into a residential care facility.
Whoever is your MIL's POA is the one who makes the decisions for her finances and her healthcare. Does your MIL live with you and your husband? If she does tell the POA that they have 24 hours to get her out of your house or you will do an 'ER Dump' and she will be dropped off at the hospital. Then do it. Give the ER nurse the contact information for her POA and tell them that you are cannot and will not continue caring for her and she needs to be placed, but her POA will not act.
If your husband expects you to take care of her, then it might be time for you to talk to a divorce lawyer.
You don't give us much to go on here, but you do have choices. Remember that.
Before we can give you any good answers we need to know who is MIL living with and who holds POA?
If MIL is living with you and DH does not have POA, thats a problem. You have to say to DH that you need help or he has to give more help. If DH has POA, then he can do whats needed to care for his Mom.
If Mom is living with Sis and Sis holds POA and your not willing to do what Sis wants then thats all on her. If MIL has money, it should be used for her care. Husband should be doing his share and your there for support and doing what you are willing to do. She is not ur mother.
I agree that the marriage thing is separate. Does DH expect u to do all the caring for Mom because that is a problem. She is not ur Mom she is his. Is he too retired.
What your SIL does or doesn't do isn't really your concern. What IS your concern is what you will agree to do and what you will not. So simply inform your SIL you will not be doing the babysitting you are doing, or the care, or whatever it is that you are doing. That you don't have the time to and you don't wish to do it.
She will soon enough be HERE discussing how no one helps her. And that is fine, too. She will need to vent.
The choices we make in life are our own. Own and embrace your own choices. You will not change the choices and beliefs of others.
If you don't want to spend your retirement taking care of your MIL, then just don't. It truly can be as simple as that. It's all about learning the art of just saying NO. Period.
When you state in your profile that this situation is breaking up your marriage, please keep in mind that your sister in law, or anyone else, has no ability to break up your marriage without the consent of either you or your husband. It’s you two who are supposed to be a united front, and if you’re not, it’s not sis in law’s fault. It’s a marriage problem. Truth is, we only make decisions for ourselves and cannot control the choices of others. If you don’t want involvement in MIL’s caregiving, stay out of it. If your husband chooses to be involved despite your desire for him not to be, it’s time to discuss that together with a counselor.
Stay out of it, not your problem. Let her children figure it out.
Obviously, there is some paranoia going on with SIL.
If your husband is not the DPOA he should stay out of it as well. Read around this site, having a sibling who doesn't know what they are doing in regard to dementia is a common issue.
Read Midkid58's ongoing sage of the three stooges, one of the siblings is her DH.
I will echo Beatty's question. Is MIL living with you?
If not, this isn't your problem. Ultimately, it is your DH's problem - and only if he doesn't decide to put up a boundary. If your SIL refuses to have paid help with their mother - and she is insisting on taking care of her - that is her choice. That doesn't mean that DH...or you...have to help. She has a right to make that choice. But you and DH have a right to make the choice NOT to be involved. You are not obligated to provide care for MIL. There are other options available. And SIL cannot make you do anything.
If MIL is living with you -that presents its own set of problems. BUT it also means that SIL doesn't make the rules. If MIL is living in your home - as far as I'm concerned SIL gets zero say. If she is the POA and MIL lives with you- then SIL can come get MIL and move her to her own home to provide care. If she is NOT the POA, then she quite literally gets no vote in how you handle MIL's care if you and DH are the only ones providing it. If she is living with you and you want to hire paid caregivers, hire paid caregivers.
If you or your husband are not the POA, not your problem.
If neither DH nor SIL or POA. Stop all care until someone is. If she is and wants you to help care for MIL due to her concerns tell her to remove all ability from MIL to be scammed and to seek therapy or prepare herself to spend 24/7 with MIL.
Don’t support this attitude. Nothing your MIL has is worth being manipulated by SIL neurosis.
If MIL needs care and SIL refuses to allow her to have care file for guardianship.
If you don't want to spend your time being a caregiver to your MIL - don't. Let your SIL know that you're done and either she can hire caregivers or your MIL can go into a residential care facility.
Whoever is your MIL's POA is the one who makes the decisions for her finances and her healthcare.
Does your MIL live with you and your husband? If she does tell the POA that they have 24 hours to get her out of your house or you will do an 'ER Dump' and she will be dropped off at the hospital. Then do it. Give the ER nurse the contact information for her POA and tell them that you are cannot and will not continue caring for her and she needs to be placed, but her POA will not act.
If your husband expects you to take care of her, then it might be time for you to talk to a divorce lawyer.
You don't give us much to go on here, but you do have choices. Remember that.
If MIL is living with you and DH does not have POA, thats a problem. You have to say to DH that you need help or he has to give more help. If DH has POA, then he can do whats needed to care for his Mom.
If Mom is living with Sis and Sis holds POA and your not willing to do what Sis wants then thats all on her. If MIL has money, it should be used for her care. Husband should be doing his share and your there for support and doing what you are willing to do. She is not ur mother.
I agree that the marriage thing is separate. Does DH expect u to do all the caring for Mom because that is a problem. She is not ur Mom she is his. Is he too retired.
What IS your concern is what you will agree to do and what you will not.
So simply inform your SIL you will not be doing the babysitting you are doing, or the care, or whatever it is that you are doing. That you don't have the time to and you don't wish to do it.
She will soon enough be HERE discussing how no one helps her.
And that is fine, too. She will need to vent.
The choices we make in life are our own.
Own and embrace your own choices.
You will not change the choices and beliefs of others.
It truly can be as simple as that. It's all about learning the art of just saying NO. Period.
Obviously, there is some paranoia going on with SIL.
If your husband is not the DPOA he should stay out of it as well. Read around this site, having a sibling who doesn't know what they are doing in regard to dementia is a common issue.
Read Midkid58's ongoing sage of the three stooges, one of the siblings is her DH.
If not, this isn't your problem. Ultimately, it is your DH's problem - and only if he doesn't decide to put up a boundary. If your SIL refuses to have paid help with their mother - and she is insisting on taking care of her - that is her choice. That doesn't mean that DH...or you...have to help. She has a right to make that choice. But you and DH have a right to make the choice NOT to be involved. You are not obligated to provide care for MIL. There are other options available. And SIL cannot make you do anything.
If MIL is living with you -that presents its own set of problems. BUT it also means that SIL doesn't make the rules. If MIL is living in your home - as far as I'm concerned SIL gets zero say. If she is the POA and MIL lives with you- then SIL can come get MIL and move her to her own home to provide care. If she is NOT the POA, then she quite literally gets no vote in how you handle MIL's care if you and DH are the only ones providing it. If she is living with you and you want to hire paid caregivers, hire paid caregivers.
A lot depends on the logistics on this one.
If neither DH nor SIL or POA. Stop all care until someone is.
If she is and wants you to help care for MIL due to her concerns tell her to remove all ability from MIL to be scammed and to seek therapy or prepare herself to spend 24/7 with MIL.
Don’t support this attitude. Nothing your MIL has is worth being manipulated by SIL neurosis.
If MIL needs care and SIL refuses to allow her to have care file for guardianship.