She got power attorney when my mom was in hospice and barely able to understands. She makes all decisions concerning my mom’s medical needs without consulting me and I am her caregiver. My sister lives in another state and only comes a week at a time every few months. My brother who lived with my mom just recently died and I take care of my mom at her house. My sister is beginning to sell things of my mothers. One example is my mom wants my 23 year old to have her car which comes in handy because my daughter is her most of the time to help. I don’t drive because of my vision. She says she is going to sell it for emergency money but I don’t know how she spends my mom s money day to day. I would like to share power of attorney. I am the one who is here when mom gets sick or in the hospital. I was also taking care of my brother who had cancer and just passed. When my brother passed I was trying to judge mom on how she would receive the news. I was afraid it would put her in a downward spiral for her health, but my sister used her power of attorney papers to and sent her children to take my mother fragile mother on a road trip. They stopped in a town half way and put me, my mom and daughter in a hotel. Pick us up the next morning to take us to the funeral. My mother had beeen told and she began a deep deep grief. After the funeral my sister took on another car ride for 3 hours and kept her for 3 days then brought her home that included a 7 hour car ride. Since being home my mom is now saying her mom and dad are alive as well as my Daddy. She has mention my bother’s death 3 times in five days. She does not remember the funeral and today in her mind my brother is still with us. I don’t want her to have to grieve over and over about my brother’s death. She is sending pillows to my mother with his pictures on it, she said she can hug them when she is thinking about him being gone. I have got to be able to help my mom. I don’t want her to grieve all over again and again. My brother would not want that either. I need to be able to get dual power of attorney. I don’t want to shut my sister out because she needs to have a part in her life. I am here with mom and she is controlling how much money is spent on groceries. Last week we got $50. She shuts me out even though she lives in anther state 6 to 7 hours away. I ask her to come for a week or two so I could go to my home for a little while. Instead she hires a woman who has set with my mother once or twice to stay with her 24/7. I told my sister I am not leaving my mother with non family right now, she is so fragile and her dementia has taken a down hill spiral. The last time this lady kept her she told her to go home she didn’t want her in her house. My sister didn’t check on how mom reacted to her and hired her with out talking to me. I have to try to get dual power of attorney for my Momma’s sake. Can anyone give me any advice.
Are you being paid as a caregiver?
If not you should be.
Are you contributing anything to the bills? If not you should be.
If there are 2 people living in the house then the bills should be divided in half.
If you are "rent free" in mom's house that should change. And if you can not afford to pay half of all bills you need to get a job. The POA can pay for caregivers. If one of those caregivers is you that will provide you with some income.
Your sister arranges someone to come in and care for m om while you go "home" and you chose not to...that is your choice and I think a rather narrow minded one at that. At some point "non family" caregivers are going to be needed
Your mother can not give or sell her car to your daughter as she no longer has legal capacity to make decisions like that.
An elder that needs care.
A caregiver.
A nominated POA.
The care plan works best when the providers (the hands-on caregiver & the POA) are on the same page, with the elder's needs in the centre.
Thing is, different siblings, different viewpoints, different skillsets.
The one willing to count out pills, put on compression stockings, help bathing has the attributes or apptitude of a nurse.
The one arranging the finances, managing care services leans towards management or accountancy skills.
It's like trying to drive a car but someone else is in charge of buying the fuel.
As others have said it is too late for dual POA. Even if it weren't you wouldn't want it because your sister is going to be in legal trouble if your Mom is ever subject to the 5 year look back for Medicaid.
You can go to court and fight for guardianship (or conservatorship depending on state law). But make sure your really want that. When we did it for my grandmother over 20 years ago my mother mother was "conservator of person" (grandma was in a NH at this point), and I was "conservator of estate", paying all the bills, caring for her house, etc. It's a LOT of work.
There is too much here you don't understand, and you need expert help.
First of all, no one "gets" POA. That is GIVEN or conferred upon a person. That is to say someone asks another person to be their POA, and they must be competent to do so. So it is too late for POA. Your Sis somehow got your mother duped into signing something and she's not going to share that with you.
It is NOT too late, however, for guardianship assuming you are able to do that difficult task.
To be guardian you would have to be SS representative payee. That wouldn't be difficult to get but you would need a letter from your mother's MD about her incompetency to manage her own finances and SS, saying she is now living with you.
The guardianship or conservatorship the court would confer upon you would "wipe out" and remove the POA your sister holds, as guardianship is a higher level.
Sister would be out of the equation.
To be guardian you would manage all of your mother's finances and need to keep meticulous records of every penny in and out of her accounts; you would get a care contract for shared living expenses and etc. The attorney would help you set it up and your mother's funds would pay for it.
Now if you feel not competent to take that on it is time to call APS (Adult Protective) and inform them of how and when your sister got POA, and tell her that your mother is in YOUR care and you have NO FUNDS to do this care and that you do not know WHAT your sister is doing with the funds and that you need a CARE CONTRACT to continue or sister must take over placement and care of your mother. If your sister goes to court to demand SHE get guardianship, then you need to stop doing care for your mother. The care and placement is then in her hands.
I don't see other options. I hope some here will have some for you, but I can't see them. You are otherwise an unpaid slave with no say in anything at all. An attorney will let you know all of your options. APS can let you know as well. And there is also the option of asking the state to take guardianship but accusing sister of misappropriating mom's funds.
You need to do this NOW, and not give up keys to the car. That is just one more loss of mom's assets. Currently sis can DO that with her POA.
Good luck to you and I hope you'll update us.
I wouldn't be primary caregiver for anyone for whom I didn't have POA. Your sister has the power; she should now have full-time responsibility. Chances are she won't accept it because you're so willing to sacrifice your life. Also, there is nothing wrong with leaving mom with non-family as long as they are qualified. What mom says comes from a broken brain. She may want only family, but that's unfair to you. You need a break, so take it. What mom really needs is full-time professional care in a facility now, so please consider that.
Best of luck with a very difficult situation!
For the record, a PoA is under no obligation to include anyone else in the decision-making or sharing of information, even close family members. But if you suspect your sister is mismanaging your Mom's affairs, you may need to go to court for guardianship. This will expose what she's been doing and you will then be in control, if the judge awards it to you.
Since you are unwilling to leverage your Mom in this situation, and if you can't get your sister to sign a caregiving contract and pay you a fair amount (with your Mom's funds for her own care) then I don't think you have any options other than guardianship. Please read the many other posts on this forum by loving and well-meaning adult children who martyred themselves caring for their parent and woke up to realize it wrecked them socially, financially, medically and emotionally. It doesn't mean you don't love your Mom, but you won't be able to have it both ways. There's no perfect solution in your situation.
Honestly, your sister seems to be taking advantage of your kindness. Sadly, some people see kindness as weakness.
I would tell your sister that you don’t appreciate her making decisions without knowing all of the facts. She isn’t being fair. You don’t have to tolerate her behavior.
Your sister is doing things exactly like she wants to. If she wanted what was best for your mom she would be considerate enough to discuss your mother’s situation with you.
How do you want to handle this situation? Do you want to continue being your mom’s primary caregiver? Have you thought about what your mom will need in the future?
Have you thought about placing your mom in a facility? You can advocate for your mom by overseeing her care. Please don’t view placement as abandoning her.
You could start to plan for your mom’s future care by calling Council on Aging in your area. They will assess her needs and can make recommendations for her.
I am so sorry that you are going through this difficult situation with your sister.
Wishing you peace as you continue on in your caregiving journey.
Sence my circumstances is similar I'm curious, not now but the future.
If you don't, absolutely nothing will change. Your sister has it pretty nice. She has no responsibility to take care of Mom and she has control of the pursestrings.
You will not get dual POA unless your sister willingly gives it to you. Your Mom has dementia and the POA currently in place is now solid.