My mom is 78 with early-onset dementia I am the baby of my family and I still live at home for the time being. So a lot of time my siblings don't see or hear how mean my mom is to me. She said she didn't like me, more than three times a day asked me when I was leaving her house or things would be easy if I wasn't around, or called me fat or jelly belly. When I talked to my siblings I explained to them she can be so mean to me or how she gets in this mood where she is a brat a lot. They don't see it or when they do it like they play it off or just ignore it My favorite is she is not like that with me, or it's just cause you are together so much or She is just in a mood. She's always so nice to them when they come over or stop by It's wild She's always so sweet and kind to them and it made me feel crazy or like she played them against me. I tried to video her but my siblings wouldn't take the time because there was a lot to do. I just feel like I am crazy. Her doctor says she will be in a mood at times and not take them to heart but it is only with me so it is kind of hard not to.
Late 50s maybe.
I suggest you read this 33 page booklet online about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it. Lots of Do's and Don't tips for dealing with dementia sufferers are suggested in the booklet.
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia.
The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.
The full copy of her book is available here:
https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2
Educate yourself about what lies ahead as dementia progresses before you decide what steps to take. Knowledge is power.
Best of luck.
You need a job if you don't have one, and you can get a roommate who would be better to live with than mom.
She has dementia, and it's probably well-developed based on what you described. You won't be able to change her. So go! Mom can shift for herself. I bet there's another sibling who needs this sort of education.
My advice would be that you move out and get on with your life.
It's time.
Your mother has dementia. She is not in control of her actions.
Your siblings are treated like guests because they ARE guests. So become a guest.
I am hoping that another sibling is POA. I am hoping that there IS a POA as that's something important to talk about.
Is your father livings? If he is not then drop all this silliness about how your Mom talks and let your siblings know a date you will be out of the home, and ask them what plans should not be put in place for placement of your Mom.
If there are no plans and there is no guardian and there is no one who wants to take on guardianship (it is a difficult position with a legal fiduciary responsibility and the need for meticulous record keeping of every penny and and every penny out) and there is no Dad involved then you children have a lot on your plates to get placement for your mother's safety.
Although I agree with you, I think many adult children who help their parents, are poor. For example, too poor to move out. (And too poor, because they’ve spent so much time helping their parents for free).
It’s not that easy to get a job that pays your rent, especially if you haven’t worked for a while. I think OP has very little money, or else she would have moved out a long time ago. I hope OP, you can get a job, move out.
This will never change.
The answer is to move out, get along with your life. It is time.
THEY DO. And boy are they glad it’s not them who’s the target.
Desi, the answer is right in front of you -- MOVE OUT. Why do you live with her? Is the expectation that you live at home to be her caregiver? What her doctor says about not taking it to heart is irrelevant, as SHE is his patient. What would YOUR doctor say about what is happening to YOU?
Are you her POA/HCPOA?
I hope that you are working or going to school (are you?).
That’s such a good point.
1. Your siblings don’t have your back.
2. They KNOW only YOU are being abused, not them. Guess what? They’re SO GLAD it’s not them.
3. I can’t stand people like that. People who don’t stand up for other people.
And,
4. Your siblings and mom will never change. This will get worse.
Early-onset dementia is usually when aged under 65.
If Mom is 78, hopefully she has made some plans for her old age, or expressed what she would like when she cannot cope living alone. If not, time to do this now.
Or are you the plan?
How would you like this situation to change?
You can't change someone ELSE'S behavior, only your own.
So, your choices would seem to be
1. Leave
Or
2. Stop responding to her provoking behavior (it's called going "Grey Rock". Look it up.
First of all, you’re not crazy. Are your siblings aware of how dementia affects a person? They don’t seem to appreciate the position that you are in.
Secondly, as you say, they aren’t around to see your mother’s day to day behavior. Go ahead and video her behavior and send it to their phones. A picture is worth a thousand words.
Honestly, they are probably glad that they aren’t looking after mom. It would be nice if they showed some appreciation and empathy for you.
Has your family discussed placing your mom in a facility? She could be cared for around the clock and you would be free from her mistreatment.
Are you in school? Do you work? Are you able to see your friends? What’s going on in your life?
Wishing you and your family all the best.