Thank you for your responses. I’m still unsure. It seems there is a need out in the community for geriatric therapists. If anyone has any resources, please share. Thanks 😊
Absolutely not. What’s the point of it? They probably won’t believe you anyway. If I tell or remind my 96 year old mother with dementia that someone died, she insists they didn’t because she just saw them. Then she’ll tell me I died. So, no don’t tell them, Hugs 🤗
If your parents are both in a nursing home, I'm going to assume that they're pretty bad off.
Don't tell them their friend died. What will happen is they will get upset in the moment then not remember why. An emotional upset like news of a death can really cause serious setbacks with dementia sufferers. It's not worth telling them the truth.
I am reminded of a dementia client I used to care for. Her husband died and we put a sign on the door to please not offer any condolences because it would set her off again.
Well, there's always the one friend that maybe comes around every couple of years or an hour who has to come in crying and offering her condolences.
What ended up happening is my client got hysterical, crapped her pants, then couldn't remember why she was upset. It set her back so bad and she lost the small independences she still had like feeding herself and brushing her hair. Don't tell them.
If they're used to regularly seeing this friend or hearing from them, tell your parents that they moved and will call when they settle into their new home. Then say no more about it.
You say in your post that both parents have "some dementia" which is quite a broad statement. So if their dementia is not that far along yet, I don't personally see a problem with letting them know that their best friend died, as to me that is the right thing to do. Ones long term memory is the last to go, so if this friend has been a part of their lives from way back when then they deserve to know, as they will remember that person.
It's best to practice therapeutic fibbing in response to any questions that would sadden one with a broken brain. I do it all the time with my mother and it's harmless.
Please consider allowing your folks their fond memories and spare them the harsh realities of beloved friends' passing.
I told my mom that her very good friend died last week, but her memory is so poor that she probably forgot it immediately. I'm not even sure she remembered who he was as I was telling her, though I did my best to remind her. It depends on the individual, I suppose, and how they are likely to react. You know your LO.
I think this is an individual call. I have had a different response at different times as my LO with dementia has gotten older/disease has progressed/my own ability to deal with the news etc has occurred.
On a clear day for aunt, we were discussing old friends. One was a particularly close friend who aunt had worked with, been couples friends with, lost their husbands about the same time (30 years ago) went to church together, etc. They were to a small degree competitive so interested in each other’s lives. Neither had children.
I had not told aunt of her friend’s death at the time it occurred but this day, it seemed appropriate and I told her. She got it. She knew what I was saying. She had a look of wonder on her face. I explained that I sometimes had difficulty knowing the best course on things that I was afraid would sadden her. she looked at me and said. That’s life. Another confirmation she knew what I was saying as that was a comment she made often over the years. Sometimes for emphasis she would spell it. That’s L.I.F.E. she would say and move on. 🥰 She hadn’t asked about her friend in several years but she doesn’t ask about anyone. Some she seems to know when discussed in passing, others she clearly doesn’t remember on a particular day. I’m not sorry I told her. It seemed the right thing to do that day. I know if it were me, I would want to know. There are many types of dementias and many stages of dementia and each person has dementia on top of their own unique personality. I just think you have to feel your way and make sure it is an appropriate time and place for you and for them. In the beautiful book “Bittersweet: Sorrow and Longing Make us Whole” by Susan Cain, she discusses the value of melancholy and sadness and grief.
At an earlier stage of aunts dementia, she would sometimes ask me “has someone died?” Of course I would have no idea where she was coming from so I would start with a family member that she wasnt too attached to and tell a bit about their passing 10 years ago and the conversation would morph into something else. So, trust yourself and watch for what’s too much information and be prepared to sit awhile until they are calm if it is upsetting to them. I also think with two it could be totally different as to how you might proceed. I am sorry your parents lost their dear friend. Hugs.
Do they ask about this person? Has this person been a regular visitor? If they do not ask...don't tell them If this person was a regular visitor make some excuse for their absence. "On trip" "Busy with --------(fill in the blank)" If any other friends come visit they may mention it if mom or dad ask you about it then you can do some back peddling..."Oh, sorry I thought I told you" or "Oh, that is so sad I had not heard that"
No, there is no upside to doing so. The kindest thing to do would be to say nothing. It may come up later - such as one of them saying, "Frances told me that Juan Carlo has passed." You can comment or not.
Redirecting them to another topic wouldn't be so difficult, since they have memory issues and dementia. If they ask you directly about Juan Carlo, you can say you haven't heard from his lately, or that he'll be in touch after Christmas, or something.
When dealing with dementia, sticking to the absolute truth becomes unimportant or just plain impossible.
I think you should tell them once and let them mourn once. After that if they ask about this person (which may or may not happen) then you can tell them a merciful therapeutic fib that the friend is away on a cruise or something and then change the topic. For people with memory impairment there's no point in making them re-mourn the same event.
My sentiment exactly. When Mom asked me a tough question or I had bad news, I shared it, gently, once. I figured she deserved the dignity of being told the truth, once and gently.
I would only think about how they will react to this news. If you feel that they will be devastated by this news and it will harm them in the long run, then I would not suggest telling them.
Don't tell them their friend died. What will happen is they will get upset in the moment then not remember why. An emotional upset like news of a death can really cause serious setbacks with dementia sufferers. It's not worth telling them the truth.
I am reminded of a dementia client I used to care for. Her husband died and we put a sign on the door to please not offer any condolences because it would set her off again.
Well, there's always the one friend that maybe comes around every couple of years or an hour who has to come in crying and offering her condolences.
What ended up happening is my client got hysterical, crapped her pants, then couldn't remember why she was upset. It set her back so bad and she lost the small independences she still had like feeding herself and brushing her hair. Don't tell them.
If they're used to regularly seeing this friend or hearing from them, tell your parents that they moved and will call when they settle into their new home. Then say no more about it.
Ones long term memory is the last to go, so if this friend has been a part of their lives from way back when then they deserve to know, as they will remember that person.
Please consider allowing your folks their fond memories and spare them the harsh realities of beloved friends' passing.
You may wish to send a card in their stead.
On a clear day for aunt, we were discussing old friends. One was a particularly close friend who aunt had worked with, been couples friends with, lost their husbands about the same time (30 years ago) went to church together, etc. They were to a small degree competitive so interested in each other’s lives. Neither had children.
I had not told aunt of her friend’s death at the time it occurred but this day, it seemed appropriate and I told her. She got it. She knew what I was saying. She had a look of wonder on her face. I explained that I sometimes had difficulty knowing the best course on things that I was afraid would sadden her. she looked at me and said. That’s life. Another confirmation she knew what I was saying as that was a comment she made often over the years. Sometimes for emphasis she would spell it. That’s L.I.F.E. she would say and move on. 🥰
She hadn’t asked about her friend in several years but she doesn’t ask about anyone. Some she seems to know when discussed in passing, others she clearly doesn’t remember on a particular day.
I’m not sorry I told her. It seemed the right thing to do that day. I know if it were me, I would want to know.
There are many types of dementias and many stages of dementia and each person has dementia on top of their own unique personality. I just think you have to feel your way and make sure it is an appropriate time and place for you and for them.
In the beautiful book “Bittersweet: Sorrow and Longing Make us Whole” by Susan Cain, she discusses the value of melancholy and sadness and grief.
At an earlier stage of aunts dementia, she would sometimes ask me “has someone died?” Of course I would have no idea where she was coming from so I would start with a family member that she wasnt too attached to and tell a bit about their passing 10 years ago and the conversation would morph into something else. So, trust yourself and watch for what’s too much information and be prepared to sit awhile until they are calm if it is upsetting to them. I also think with two it could be totally different as to how you might proceed.
I am sorry your parents lost their dear friend. Hugs.
Has this person been a regular visitor?
If they do not ask...don't tell them
If this person was a regular visitor make some excuse for their absence. "On trip" "Busy with --------(fill in the blank)"
If any other friends come visit they may mention it if mom or dad ask you about it then you can do some back peddling..."Oh, sorry I thought I told you" or "Oh, that is so sad I had not heard that"
Redirecting them to another topic wouldn't be so difficult, since they have memory issues and dementia. If they ask you directly about Juan Carlo, you can say you haven't heard from his lately, or that he'll be in touch after Christmas, or something.
When dealing with dementia, sticking to the absolute truth becomes unimportant or just plain impossible.
I would only think about how they will react to this news. If you feel that they will be devastated by this news and it will harm them in the long run, then I would not suggest telling them.
Best wishes to you and your family.