My mother refuses to allow a sitter in her house to help with meals and simple tasks. No health issues. I need a vacation!

Darrin, dementia is a major health issue. MAJOR! The brain, which controls the whole body, can't function properly. Don't fool yourself or expect to fool others that mom is just hunky-dory, except a little forgetful. We never know when a dementia patient will do something dangerous to themselves or others. My neighbor took off all her clothes and walked down the middle of our street in the wee morning hours. My dad got up to go to work at 2:00 a.m. and had his car keys in his hand, though he hadn't driven for months. A sitter might not be qualaified to handle that sort of thing.

Your mother probably needs to be placed in a memory care facility, and then you get out from under the obligation of caregiving and have no more arguments with mom about sitters and housekeeping.

Of course you need a vacation, and you should take it.

This isn't a choice for Mom.
Take your vacation and get in the care she needs.
If she is too far advanced for you to do that she will have to go to respite and needs to be TOLD that.

What do you mean no health issues. She has Dementia and should not be left alone while you take a vacation. I am not saying you don't deserve one, you do. See if a local Assisted living has respite care. Tell her your going on vacation and so is she. If she is in the early stages maybe you can get by with having someone come in throughout the day. Really, you live with Mom and you know her limitations. Don't tell her its a "sitter". Tell her its your friend that is going to stop by. She may enjoy a "friends" company.

I'm sorry, but a person depending on the good will of (or free unpaid help from) others doesn't get to call the shots.

You and your husband need to formulate a plan for you to step back from full time (most likely unpaid) caregiving. At the very least it will mean hiring outside assistance, (which Mom's assets would pay for) so you can get a break. If Mom doesn't like the idea of outside assistance, maybe she would prefer living in a facility, which Mom's assets would also pay for. If and when her assets run out, she would then be eligible for Medicaid. If money is tight, contact your county office of social services to see what resources may be available for her now and in the future. Who holds Mom's financial and health care Power of Attorney? Anyone? Contact a certified elder care lawyer (nelf.org).

If you're considering being the lead person for Mom's caregiving, whether it's hands on yourself, hiring aids, or getting her to move to a facility, DON'T do it without having financial and health care power of attorney. Otherwise you're stuck with all the work but no decision-making authority, and that is a NO WIN situation.

I've seen too many marriages and lives ruined by this type of situation, where someone moves into an elder's home or worse, moves the elder into their own home. A wake of destruction follows, and the caregiver ends up mentally, physically, and often financially, broken. Meanwhile, the person being cared for keeps soldiering on like the Energizer Bunny or a Timex watch. 40% of caregivers die before the person they are caring for. (I'm not saying it never works out, but those stories are few and far between in current times.)

It would be one thing if your mom was on hospice and had only weeks or months left, but she could go on for years like this, and her needs are only going to increase. You need to set some boundaries now for your protection.

Your profile says you and your husband live with your Mother. Yes, you better go on that vacation. While on vacation, talk about how to move out so that you aren't orbiting around her for the rest of her life. I just left a response on a thread where the husband wanted to move out from this similar situation. Dementia robs people of their logic and reason which causes poor judgment. It also robs them of their ability to have empathy for others, so your Mom won't care that her reticence may wreck your mental and physical health and marriage. Your marriage is the priority. There are solutions for your Mom, you just need to be able to accept them.

Mom has dementia which automatically needs to mean she’s not driving the train anymore. Please decide to act in both her and your best interests. You need not only a vacation but regular help for this to possible be sustainable. Dementia only worsens, sadly. I hope you have POA and will decide to get regular helpers at mom’s expense, take that vacation, and guard your own health and wellbeing. This truly becomes not about what mom refuses, but what is best for all of you

Your mom has dementia according to your profile.
Do you have caregivers at all helping you?
If not get one, or two so one can be an alternate. You can either go through an agency or hire privately.
Begin by having a caregiver come in to help YOU.
Then after the first or second day tell the caregiver you are going to leave for a bit. Say "Mom, I have to run to the store to get milk we are almost out. "Betty" will stay here with you."
While you are out "Betty" can give mom lunch and they can chat while sorting socks and folding towels. Or whatever mom wants to do.
The next time stay away longer. Mom will get used to having someone other than you taking care of her.
Do you have POA?
At some point you will need caregivers to help you out.
Is mom on Hospice? Hospice will help with some things. Ordering supplies that will be delivered, getting the equipment that you will need. A CNA will help 3 days a week giving mom a bath or shower and ordering the supplies. AND Medicare/Medicaid will cover a Respite stay at least 1 time a year.

If she doesn't have any health issues, what are you worried about? Leave her to it and go on your vacation.

She can pick up a phone and order a pizza or some take out. In fact, she can order twice as much to make it last.

Don't worry about it.

Go on you vacation, set your mom up with meals if you feel like you need to.

Maybe she will appreciate you more when you come back

And most importantly take your vacation and do your best not to worry. I took a few vacation, worried most of the time and called constantly. That's not much of a vacation either.
So try not to worry

So take it, this is her problem not yours. She can order delivery, or you can help her prepare meals and freeze before you leave.

Bread & water it is then.

Or maybe she will go gourmet.. cheese & crackers, tinned soup.

How long is your planned vacay?

Take your vacation.

Id tell her I’m going and that I’d have the cops look in on her.