Growing up my mom was an alcoholic and a codependent person who lived and breathed for alcohol, smoking and taking care of my Dad. She was never bothered with her children, never took responsibility for anything. She always expected her parents, or us kids to fix whatever was wrong. As a teenager, my mother balked and blamed me as I stood before her vulnerable, telling her of unspeakable sexual abuse at the hands of my father. She never admitted fault and always claimed to be a mothering authority to others. I left home at age 14 and swore to never return.
At age 65, my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer metastasis to the brain, subsequently underwent surgery, radiation, chemo and more surgeries. She developed a clotting disorder and radiation necrosis along with vascular dementia. Right before medical hell broke loose, my husband and I moved my mother in and I took care of every need, she eventually developed atherosclerosis and gigantic ulcers that wreaked of death. She wasn't able to care for herself and wasn't good at it when she did. Fortunately, my husband and I were able to pay her bills so she could take her social security and spend it on things she wanted. Granted, she wouldn't have offered help even if we needed it. Luckily, we didn't. She always felt very deserving of this care (as a parental authority and all). I never corrected her, since it would have led to an argument anyway.
My sister never helped with mom, never took her for a weekend and never offered to spend longer than an hour here or there with her.
As she declined, I changed every diaper, positioned her, fed her, bathed her, packed arterial stasis ulcers and made sure she took all her numerous meds. I did everything for her one would do for a newborn baby, all while working a full time job and caring for my autistic daughter. Burn out was a reality for several years. I found myself detached from her, even when hugging her, it was just a muscle movement. I cared; however, I was so burnt out. I became her nurse and doctor after being her emotional dumpling ground my whole life. Thank goodness, a decent hospice stepped in when they did! 2 weeks after the good hospice came, She passed away in their hospice house 6/14/23. I attended a funeral, something I remember very little of and returned to my life. I am trying to get her final expenses paid and affairs in order now.
Last night, it hit me. The only thing I have mourned, losing the opportunity for her to be a mother. No apology was going to happen, I knew that. But it hit me last night, I never really had a mother or father. I don't know if I went through anticipatory grief so now I'm past it or not.
I DO know that when those who never helped me (sister included) say, "I'm coming to go through moms stuff," I really want to say go to hell. I should be fair. Not everyone is cut out for the level of caregiving I provided.
To ask for her belongings only angers me! She's been reduced to what my sister can sell and make money on. Well, 50% of her belongings anyway. One last slap in the face came with a will- she gave her minimal life insurance to my sister, the IRA my grandmother left my mom to my sister's kids. My family was left with 11k in debt to pay on a car she willed to my daughter. I'm a little sore about it, but I'll handle it. It was very much like my mom to give things that weren't hers to begin with. Still, no grief? I did everything I could to keep her comfortable while alive. Now, I just feel like I want to be left alone and if the remainder of my extended family disappeared off the face of the earth that would be just fine, they haven't been around in years anyway. I just want to get on with my life. I want to get past this whole situation and move on. Truthfully, I really don't want her belongings, I don't want anything! I just want to be left alone! So do I have some kind of caregiving PTSD? Am I a cold hearted person? I just don't know?
When I read it just now, I was impressed by the comments you quoted from your daughter. “You can get out of the bed to go out and smoke, why can't you get your own soda from the refrigerator or prepare your own dinner plate, or change your sheets or wash your clothes".
One thing you can hug to yourself is that you have taught your daughter enough for her to know when someone is unreasonable. You were brought up to do more than anyone ever should do. Your daughter has been brought up to know when to say Stop! Whatever you feel or don’t feel about your parents, you can feel good about that! Well done!
Very best wishes, Margaret
You said a mouthful! You’re not kidding about her being a saint or an angel!
Considering her past, it is truly amazing how she took care of her mother (in name only!)
More than likely you have c-PTSD (complex, post traumatic stress disorder from childhood). I'm no psychiatrist, but I have been given the same diagnosis and you remind me of me.
You asked a lot of yourself, taking her in and looking after her, especially with an autistic daughter.
I think you have kept it all bottled up and to open the door to your grief may be very challenging.
Everyone copes in different ways, you chose to take your mother in, others in your family look like they got as far away as they could, let your sister do as she pleases, if you want this to end, then let it end.
I agree with Isthisrealyreal, don't hang on to the stuff, take what you want and send the rest to your sister, and be done.
There's great counseling organisations, world wide through the AA network, it's called Al Anon, you can go to meetings in your town or join online.
Even though she's gone, you may find you get great benefit from this group. Alcoholic parents shape how we think of ourselves, how we act in life and what we're willing to endure way past our years living with them.
For me, when my alcoholic father died, I felt rage, we had family troubles immediately (over money). It took me a while (and a friends observation) to realise I still needed to express my grief over my father's passing, the sadness was inside and it showed up as anger but once I let myself cry then I could let go of a lifetime of disappointment and hurt. It's sad to come from a dysfunctional family, it's sad to not trust your parents, and to do for them what they wouldn't do for you, that's a call for love.
As time passes and you realise you will never have to listen to one more b/s comment, or observe lying, ridiculous, manipulative behaviour (or whatever her specialty was) there's relief, but right now, I'd say you're numb and wrung out and over the whole family dynamic.
Take it easy, come back here and talk.
She had everyone convinced her 'nerves' were so bad she had to be coddled. Her mother didn't help matters. Grandmother, in her codependent state, paid for everything my mother needed/wanted/ demanded until she just couldn't do it anymore. Right down to paying for a home for my parents. My parents lived off my grandmother for 50 years and then it was my turn I guess. If I went into all the insanity you would be reading a novel. I am sincerely relieved it's over. I am glad I didn't give up, and most of all, I am happy I still have a few years of my daughters teenage years to get through. (Who on this EARTH asks for more teenage girl years??) I really must be a little off the beam!?! 😹
I think you became numb in order to survive.
If you do any grieving, it will be about what you wished for instead of what you actually loss. What could you possibly mourn for?
Your mom felt entitled to your generosity instead of being appreciative for all of your efforts. Honestly, when your mother died it must have been a giant relief for you.
Most people in your shoes would have walked away. You took the ‘love them anyway’ road. Your mother was extremely fortunate to have a daughter like you.
Too bad that your mom didn’t know how lucky she was to have you in her life! It’s awful that she didn’t have the decency to thank you for caring for her when she certainly didn’t deserve it.
I am not judging you. It was your right to do what you felt was best but I wish you would’ve walked away from any responsibility like your sister did.
Handle your sister in any way you feel like it. Just remember that your mom’s belongings are just things that won’t ever have any sentimental meaning to you and your family.
Wishing you peace. You deserve it.
I hope you are doing well. Thank k you again for all your help💕
When I cared for Mom I think I shut down to be able to do what caring I had to do or I would have cried all the time. You did good, you did enough.
For instance my daughter would say "you can get out of the bed to go out and smoke, why can't you get your own soda from the refrigerator or prepare your own dinner plate, or change your sheets or wash your clothes"
I tried to keep the peace, but it was at great cost.
Ms Joann, Thank you for giving me a little more perspective. I am sending you so many hugs!!
I'm so sorry you had to endure the childhood you did. As mentioned in another reply, you didn't have mom. You had an incubator. Your "father" was a monster.
Sorry, but anyone who allows their child to be abused in ANY way, but especially sexual, is evil. Pure evil and a waste of oxygen. The world is a better place without her in it.
She let you be tortured. Yet you let her into your home, cared for her, and paid her bills. For years. Why?! You are no doubt a caring individual, and that's an incredible testament to your spirit, considering your hellish upbringing. People have praised you for being so unselfish and forgiving. But really, it came down to being a sad, scared child who made one last effort to grasp her mother's love. Maybe reconciliation. It never happened. It never does. You deserved, and still deserve, so much better in life.
The issue here isn't your sister. It's the wounds that haven't healed. You are not guilty in any of this!
Some say one has to forgive their abuser to move on. I disagree. Some things just are not forgivable. Not that anyone should spend their lives in anger and hatred, that's not good either. But there is no "it's okay, I understand" when it comes to child abuse. None.
Please, PLEASE get therapy if you haven't already. You were conditioned to be treated badly. You had your childhood and part of your adulthood ripped away and the rest of your life needs to be about YOU and being around people who treat you well and listen to you.
It's strange that my dad, in his final months called me to the home and said " I'm going through the hell I am Because of what I did to you and your sister, I am so sorry" I told him I forgive you, but I'll never forget and you will never be alone with my child. In the end, I was the only one with him when he passed from cirrhosis. Just me. I guess I thought maybe mama would perhaps say something similar at some point. She just never thought she did anything wrong. By the time she died, she couldn't remember breakfast, much less the past. That's ok, she did give me 1 thing, a road map of how NOT to be a parent. That, I'm thankful for 💜
eling-therapy or an actual punching bag. Let some of your angry feelings out safely and don't let the negative people live in your head anymore.
I would not personally participate in paying off anything on the car; let them repo it.
Then it is all over.
I think that the shock of it all is with you now.
Grieving may come later but I hope it is simply grieving that you had a mom with such severe limitations that she was truly unable to be a mom. That you did the best you could making your own choices in your own life and fulfilling what you chose to fulfill. That it is over and there is now no chance that you will ever have a real mom.
Grieving is often more complicated for people who never were able to reach peace with the one who died. When there is a marvelous relationship with someone you can often feel only relief that they will not suffer and you will not stand witness to further indignities visited upon them.
And, most importantly, you have wonderful building blocks for a happy future going forward.
If you need help in the future, seek it. If not, move forward. You are free of these people now. Gather in those loving friends you have/will have and build a life of joy so that this legacy isn't played forward.
My very best to you.
Personally, I would tell sister that you will have everything delivered to her, this bs of coming into your home to pillage through dead woman's stuff is just that, bs. She can have everything you don't want and I mean ALL of it.
I say this because I know someone that jackass family is stretching her torment because they won't let her get rid of anything, from her house, and they can't be bothered to deal with it. Oh no, it goes to you or the salvation army, my house is not a storage unit for some absent sibling to use as their personal ATM when they need to pillage and sell.
I am sorry that the person you had as an incubator kicked you in the teeth, again. Time to get rid of all the reminders and triggers caused by her and move forward with your life.
Putting her to rest will really set you free, speaking from experience from a very similar situation. Differences being, I couldn't stand in the gap for my incubator, she was intent on destroying my heart and I couldn't be close to her toxic waste.
Great big warm hug! This situation just sucks but, the light is bright because you are close to the end of it.
Put her to rest and enjoy the blessings of the life you have created for you.