My mom: Oh gosh. I love her, but I hate her and wish it would end!
Hello again,
Thank you again for all the replies to the question I posted earlier this month about my dad. I now rest easier knowing that I won't have to be his POA if his wife passes before him.
I have another question now about my mom. My dad left my mom and me when I was very young. My mom worked but her income wasn't that great so we had to move in with her parents. This was a tough situation. Mom had two older sibs who both lived in other states so everything about her parents was always on her. I loved my grandfather, but I didn't like my grandmother. She was one of those people who was very manipulative, mean, and demanding. If my grandfather said no about something then my grandmother would ignore him for weeks. My grandmother wasn't one of those touchy-feely types with me being a grandchild; I got the feeling that she couldn't stand me. I mostly stayed out of her way. My mom would sometimes speak up to my grandmother and then my grandmother would rage at her until my mom would cry and give in. I started to hate my grandmother at a very young age.
It was a relief when I got a scholarship and was able to go to college after high school. I met my husband at college. We eloped after graduation and he took a job out of state. I have never had to live in my home town again, for which I am enormously grateful.
My grandfather died a long time ago, but my mean grandmother lived to be 105. It seems the meanest ones live the longest. My mom was burdened with her mother until my mom was 81 years old. As my grandmother aged, she refused to leave her house. Mom was her slave until my mom started having physical problems and hired in-home caregivers for her mom. My mom used to call me sometimes during those tough years and tell me she wished her mom would die so she could have some peace.
About 2 years after my grandmother died, my mother started having more physical problems. She has a lot of conditions. I have health/durable POA for her. As time has passed, Mom has started acting more like my grandmother. She has gotten very demanding. She has no one who can help her, so I have had to go over there when she needed two surgeries. I hated every minute of it because she yells and screams when something isn't done her way. She has been assessed for cognitive decline but her PCP said nothing is wrong with her.
Last year she was also diagnosed with CHF. She got a darn pacemaker. She is 89 now and I wonder how long she will live because of the pacemaker and her mother living to be 105.
Last week she called and told me it's time for us to build her a room so that she can move in with us! She said that it's her turn to be taken care of and I'm her only child so it's my responsibility. She said I should take care of her in the same way that she took care of her parents. She went on and on about this.
I decided to be blunt. I told her it's impossible for her to live with us since she and my husband don't get along. I said, "My marriage comes first." I also told her that I'm having heart problems too and that the strain that would occur if she was to live here could put me in an early grave. I said, "Mom, I'm sorry, but the answer is no, absolutely not."
She hung up and I haven't heard from her since. I know I did the right thing, but I'm feeling so upset about it. I love my mom, but as her personality has changed I've grown to hate the way she acts - just like her own mom.
I feel like a horrible person, but I'm worried that she will be just like her mother in another way. That she will live damn forever. That it will go on and on and on...
Did I do the right thing in being so blunt? Or should I have handled it differently? Dragged it out and or something? I've cried a lot of tears since that phone call.
You're predicting that my mom will start acting sweet and loving - ha, that's something I didn't even think of. I am now prepared; thank you for mentioning that.
Hugs to you.+
"Sometimes, Dolores, you have to be a high-riding b***h to survive. Sometimes, being a b****h is all a woman has to hang on to."
Funny how your mom calls you a b***h when you won't knuckle under to her demands. Or when you speak up for yourself. Or demand respect.
If that's what classifies you as a b***h, then wear that badge proudly. Better a b***h than a patsy.
Your marriage must come first!
Your sanity matters, as well!
Plain and to the point language is not disrespectful.
If your mother is going to act like a petty child that's on her not you.
Of course you can help her move to AL or a senior community. You can be a big part of her life, but she cannot ever become your life.
Maybe it is time to remind her of all the miserable years she had to put up with her mother's nastiness and abuse until the age of 81. Then tell her that you know she doesn't want that life for you.
Hugs to you.
Your mom is bitter because she had to care for her mom for so long. 105, wow! I am sure that she was exhausted all the time. No doubt, caregiving takes a toll on us.
I know how she feels. I was sick of being a caregiver too. My mom lived to be 95. I didn’t take out my frustration on my kids though.
I’m sorry that your mom is taking her frustrations out on you. None of what happened in her past is your fault. You are not responsible for her care.
I cared for my parents and my mother lived with us for a very long time.
BUT, hell will freeze over before I ask my daughters to care for me in my old age. No freaking way will I ever allow them to do so.
One day my daughters said to me that they would care for me like I did for my mother. I told them that I appreciate the offer but I was declining the help because I wanted them to live their own lives.
I loved my mom but I regret the choice that I made to move her into my home permanently.
Mom even regretted that I spent so many years caring for her. When she was dying in her ‘end of life’ hospice care home she started crying and said that she was sorry that I turned my life upside down for hers. I don’t ever want to be a burden to my children.
You are extremely wise to dodge this bullet. Your mom will find care elsewhere. She doesn’t need you to add a room onto your house.
Wishing you peace through this difficult time.
I've looked into my grandmother's parents. They both died fairly young, both passed in their 60. My grandmother never had to be a caregiver. I find it ironic that she lived so terribly long.
I'm glad your mom said what she did at the end; she knew her care was a burden to you. It didn't make up for all the years you spent doing it though.
My husband and I are like you ... we will not put our care on our children. We've made specific plans and they are in writing. And no implanted cardiac devices.
Hugs to you.
My family was faced with a similar situation with my mother. I stay in her home every other month so she was not alone at night but my two sisters did not want to rotate staying at the house in one month increments or take her in because our mother like yours is very difficult and mean. No one wanted to have her come live with them. She is a very very difficult woman which is putting it mildly.
My mother also has a pacemaker, received it last year. She just turned 95. She has CHF but she survived Covid. She, like your mother, could live to 104. I'm really hoping she does not. The worst thing my father ever did was to insist that she have one last year. She should've died a natural death because it was her time. Now she can live indefinitely like this for years. We placed my mother in the NH where my father (her husband is). She hates it but I was very blunt and clear that she needed to be here because she could no longer live alone and her daughters could not navigate the various crises that have been becoming more and more frequent.
You told her the truth. Do not feel guilty. I have no regrets with my decision either. At least my parents are together and my sisters and I have less stress. The past three years have been very hard for us.
I've read your other posts and the pacemaker caught my eye. Putting a PM in a 94 YO is so incredibly ridiculous. I'm glad your mom doesn't live with you or any other family members. Yes, your dad make the wrong decision.
My mom had the wrong decision too. I questioned it and told her it may not be the best thing, that she could drag on and get more miserable for years instead of passing peacefully. That was the first time that she screamed at me.
I'm so glad your parents are in a NH. I hope I can get my mom in a facility too. Hugs to you.
And those damn pace makers. They are putting them in old people like they are candy because they are now covered by medicaid and medicare and it's like a cash cow for the hospitals and doctors.
My FIL had a heart bypass yesterday and almost died during the procedure. This after his hip replacement surgery and he almost died from that with some heart issue. Unfortunately he had 7 doctors in the operating room and he is still alive. I can't imagine when or how many more surgeries or almost death experiences are going to happen before he finally goes to meet his maker.
I'm glad you think I did the right thing.
How old is your FIL? I can't imagine someone in their 80s getting bypass surgery. And 7 doctors in the OR?
I swear all this medical care for very old people is just overkill. And a waste of money too. It's going to get to the point where our health care will be rationed eventually; this just can't go on indefinitely.
Hugs to you.
No, I didn't cry for long! The sadness about the phone call faded and I just got mad. I was full of despair at the thought of this dragging on for years and years because of the pacemaker.
My husband said she's not worth crying over because she sure doesn't cry about me or anyone else. He's right!
Hugs to you.
If you could see me right now - a standing ovation!! So very proud of you for nipping it in the bud from the get go! Yay, Laura!!
Hold to those firm, yet loving boundaries.
Do not ever let Mom come live with you and be so careful about how much you promise her you will do for her, if she remains in her home.
My MIL feels that she is 100% independent.
Truth?
Without 3 adults holding her up, she would last less than a week.
Her kids are too terrified of her anger and tantrums to do anything to make this situation better. I swear my SIL will literally die in service to her mom.
And MIL is NOT grateful. Just entitled.
I'm sick, sick, sick to death of this--and I don't do ANYTHING to help. Pretty much, I am a 'widow' as DH spends so much time at her place and so much time golfing to make himself forget he has this enormous burden.
IF they has moved her from rehab, last January, to a AL or SNF, she would have been mad, but she would have adapted. Now, instead, she is calling the shots from the comfort of her home and we're looking at yet another winter of working out schedules for her care & comfort.
If I ever bring this up--my DH goes ballistic and says "You do not understand!" Oh, but I do.
Narc parents are the worst. I can't say I hate my MIL, but I most assuredly do NOT love her.
Good for you!!!! You did the right thing. Keep on doing it, too!!
I can't understand why your DH and his sibs are so willing to be her slaves and be worked to death. Your DH needs some therapy, but I'm sure you already know that. It's terrible when people who we love become so old and sick that they take things out on their family members who are only trying to be helpful.
I hope your MIL passes soon so the family can have some peace and get their lives back. And your can get your husband back. Hugs to you.