Hi everyone. I'm a teacher so I have a few weeks off in the summer and I'm trying to help my dad with my mom who has Alzheimer's. My mom was always difficult. She could be cruelly mean when I was growing up, and tended to become angry for no reason, and leave the family if she felt she was slighted. My dad is old and not in great health, so he really needs my help. My mom expects him to do everything for her. I feel she should be in memory care for her own safety and the safety of my dad, but my dad is refusing. Since I've been here she's been very mean, thrown things at me, left the house and refused to come back, insulted the neighbors who tried to help, used horrible language. These episodes are completely unprovoked. I've been very careful not to tell her what to do, or to step in when I think it may not be welcome. She almost looks gleeful when she's doing it. It reminds me very much of how she behaved growing up. My question is, how much of this is her disease, and how much of this is just how she is? My dad is sweet and has always loved her despite her difficulties. Any tips on how to get him to accept more help?
Can't control what she says, but you can control what you do.
My father was a good man; had the patience of a saint. He was never 'good enough' in my mother's book, either, and she let him know it. Daily. Yet he stuck up for her ALL the time. Drove me nuts. She'd treat him like dirt under her feet and if I called her out on it, right to her defense he'd jump!!! Then she'd put on the Poor Me Act and off we'd go, straight to the nuthouse. So I'd back off and let dad deal with the mess himself. That's what he wanted, right? He made that bed, so he could sleep in it! Towards the end of his life, as her dementia worsened and so did her sharp tongue & teeth, dad got aggravated more and more, and the fights got pretty bad between them. More than a few times my DH and I were called to their AL to break up the fights and calm them both down. Then dad passed away and mom pretty much didn't bat an eye. She was too excited about the man down the hall who invited her on a cruise. Nice, huh?
Anyway. My mother was always a mean and nasty woman when I was a kid and she's a meaner and nastier woman now that I'm 64. When she gets into one of her tirades, I leave her presence or hang up the phone (she lives in Memory Care but 'doesn't belong there', of course). I don't put up with her nonsense b/c she knows FULL WELL what she's doing and gets joy from it. She pokes me like crazy and gets a kick out of doing so! I don't have to take it, though, and neither do you. If your father wants to stand in the fire, that's HIS prerogative. Just like it was my father's.
When your father reaches the end of his rope, he'll be calling you to ask for help. That's when he'll be ready to cry Uncle and you can actually do something to help him. In the meanwhile, he's a glutton for punishment and willing to put up with his wife's behavioral histrionics, as he's proven for all this time.
Good luck!
I agree with you that you are going back home. Your dad is in denial. Be honest with your dad that you cannot help him as long as he chooses to keep her home. You can help him figure out their finances. You can help him get in-home help - housekeeping, meals, etc. - so that he doesn't have to do everything. You can help him find memory care. But you can't help and enable him to do nothing.
Your dad deserves some peace and enjoyment of life however much of it he has left. Caregivers often die before those for whom they are caring. Express these concerns to your dad. Maybe that will nudge him in the direction he needs to go i.e. placing his wife into the level of care she clearly needs. Her needs are only going to increase.
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Some of my most stressful caregiving experiences became very good learning experiences.
My takeaway was to stand well back from the looming bus crash - I would be of more use as a bystander calling for assistance than if inside the wreakage.
What do you think it would take to convince your dad to consider placing your mom in memory care? How have you approached this so far?
You are kind to help your father. He certainly needs help. I understand this but what if you told him something like, ‘Dad, this isn’t working for any of us and I can no longer help you.’ Do you think that would cause him to consider placement? I realize that it isn’t easy to step away from helping him but it may be what it takes to force him into placing your mom.
Have you contacted Council on Aging in your area, or a social worker to speak to your dad? Is he in denial of her condition? Does he know that this is a burden on you? I know that you want to help but he’s asking for a lot from you. Stepping away doesn’t mean that you don’t love your parents. It actually means that you want the very best for them.
Wishing you peace as you navigate your way through this challenging situation.
To HIM, it's normal. To me, reading about it, I'm think she's long past the case where she can function in society.
However, it's DAD who is calling the punches. I'd be a persistent pusher who was quietly checking out MC facilities and talking to dad about moving her.
He's probably terrified of her. My FIL was absolutely scared to death of my MIL, who finally divorced him after 42 years of the worst marriage on record. He had 14 years of peace and actually had some joy in his life.
MIL lives alone and has ONE friend. ONE. She allows no one in her home but her daughter and openly says the nastiest things I've ever heard about people she hates (everybody, really).
It did take us YEARS to get dad to leave and forge out on his own.
Be a support to dad and hopefully help him to find some joy in life. Being called nasty names in your own home has to be painful.
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