A little back ground first to fully understand the situation. Last month I went on vacation with my mom. It wasn’t the best time. My mom was constantly forgetting everything. She was slow to go anywhere. Barely spoke to me the whole time we were there. She would ditch me, as in instead of doing an activity together that we both could do, she would go off and do something else. At this point it had been about two years since we had done anything together in person. Over those two years, I would call her all the time. But she would never call me. I would tell her, I work from home now, you can call me whenever you want. But she just never would. While we were there, I asked her if she wanted to go see a doctor. Because I felt like something was off. Something wasn’t right. But she declined.
She told me that she had a lot of back pain. That she has a fractured rib. She gave me some medical documentation and asked me to read it. It essentially said that there were some parts of her spine that were basically sitting on top of each other. It did say that she has a fractured rib. Also that she has a radiculopathy. Which she didn’t even know that. While we were on vacation, I eventually started to notice blood on her pillow. Blood on some towels that she had used. Seeing this scared me. She didn’t want to see a doctor.
Also while we were on vacation. She was high the whole time. She was taking marijuana gummies. Before going on vacation when I would call her, she would tell me about how when she would go see her doctors at the pain clinic they would treat her like a drug addict. I didn’t understand why they would at the time if she was only taking prescribed medications as prescribed. But obviously she had been doing marijuana. Which I know there is a lot of mixed information and a lot of opinions about marijuana. But what matters here, is that regardless of how anyone feels, it is a drug. So this is why she would be treated this way, because she is doing drugs. Of course until this vacation I had no idea about this. When she would go off by herself, she was obviously drinking too. But then to my face, she would say she doesn’t drink.
Now I am not someone who hangs around people who are constantly high. So her being high the whole time was very difficult for me. I attributed her, well stupid behavior to her being high.
Eventually the vacation ended and I came home. I live in a different state than my mom. I live easily a few 1,000 miles away. She went home too. My parents are divorced. This will be important later. My mom went home to her boyfriend, and they had planned to take basically another vacation when my mom got home from our vacation. They were going to visit his children.
Also before going on vacation, I applied to a new job. I had the interview, got offered the job, accepted the offer, and was in the process of the background check being completed. While I was on vacation the background check was in progress still. I hadn’t left my former employer just yet. I told no one about the new job, nothing. As sometimes job offers get taken back. Sometimes things for that company change and they no longer need you. I had no reason to believe that I wouldn’t pass the background check. But I still did research into the company performing this, and there are a lot of bad reviews online about this company and their processes. Some of those reviews stated they lost their job offer due to them taking too long to complete the background check. So in case I ended up like that, I didn’t say anything to my then employer.
(Please look for PART 2 with same title. This is long so there maybe more than 2 parts.)
For this part, I see no problem. Your mother has chosen addiction. In order for you to fully understand that you cannot change her or change her addiction I suggest Al-Anon to you. And I suggest you keep visits to your Mom infrequent and by phone if you don't care to deal with addiction. For all addicts, their addiction, and those who share their addiction and support it, come first. She won't miss you over much and you will be able to get on with your own life.
If your Mom is ill or has a history of addiction to pain medications then she is clearly self-medicating. I personally see no real problem with marijuana gummies and it is most CERTAINLY not the reason mom is treating you in any particular way. But she is an addict over all, and as I said, addicts have very little interest in anything but their addiction. Whether you tell your mother you won't be seeing or vacationing with her is a moot point to me; but unless you feel you can deal with her addiction, best choice is to stay away. And this is whether she has cancer or not. So far you have not mentioned the cancer (am certain it is coming) only the compression fracture. Compression of the spine is terribly painful. Your Mother may have legitimately been taking medication for pain and may have become addicted. Addressing it will be up to her. Or not.
She lives 1,000 miles away. Make the phone calls you say you typically make, and make fewer of them, and if she doesn't call you, count that as a plus.
She has a boyfriend and she is home with him. You cannot change others.
So far that is where I am in your story. I await part II and hope it doesn't change part I appreciably. But as I said, cancer or not, job or not, if you do not wish to deal with addiction you need to cut your mom a wide swath and stay away from her.