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My MIL had a psychotic break of sorts, was in a psych hospital for three weeks then transferred to memory care at AL. My husband has terrific feelings of guilt and anger at the situation and just about everything. She was living with us but after this event we could not care for her any more. He feels he has “warehoused” her. She gets emotional when she sees him, especially when she has to go back to her room. I can understand his feelings, and it hurts to see him this way. I can visit her once or twice a week, but she really wants to see him more. I have the feeling his not going makes him feel bad, too, but he can’t seem to make himself go, especially alone. I was worried about his health before this happened, as they would get into terrible arguments/yelling matches. Now I’m worried about his mental state. Getting him into counseling would be good, but he’s a stubborn man. 🙄

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As Alva says, guilt is for felons. What he may be feeling is grief. Grief that despite everyone’s best efforts, his mom can’t be at home until the very end. Her condition got to be such that it takes a team of one on one people to manage her.
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I put my mother in a memory care home against her will recently and feel the same way. I force myself to go once a week in spite of my mother's efforts to make me feel guilty about her being in a home. Counselling has helped a lot. I wish both of you the best, it will get better with time.
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Deblib May 2022
Thank you… I just did the same thing for my Mom…. Yesterday I placed her in memory care…. I have cried for days about this. And I think it’s grief vs. guilt. I am hoping to find some type of help… and I am trying to figure out if I should visit every day, every other day? I have not slept in 9 months in bed, but in a chair out of worry… and now I just want to sleep for a week. What do you say when you visit and they keep asking to go home? That’s my challenge too. Thanks again for posting!
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Since he isn't comfortable going alone, could you go together? You already go 1 to 2 times a week, so why not just invite him along and gently encourage him to join you? Try bringing magazines, treats to share, and maybe a simple activity to do together to keep busy and to take off the pressure to have long conversations.
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A family member has a psychotic break this time last year. Not a senior a 30 something adult. It is terrifying to witness. In our case the delusions were leading to talk about killing. Once he was finally hospitalized and it took multiple interactions with the healthcare system and 4 police forces in 4 communities, the family needed time to decompress. It is exhausting, and for me was terrifying dealing with him before he went into the hospital.

I spoke with medical staff on a regular basis, but only spoke with my family member once during that time.

And I started counseling again in order to protect my own mental health.

OP for your husband, if he is going to visit his Mum, he has to put some boundaries in place. If Mum starts into him, he is allowed to leave. He should not have to go alone, he needs a buffer.

As far as warehousing her, he needs to reposition in his mind what is happening. Mum is in a place where she has access to professional care, care that you were not equipped to offer in your own home. You have your family home back without the shouting and chaos brought on by her behaviour.

It is funny there are many times in our youth when we spend time in group settings, yet few refer to warehousing of children. Daycare, preschool, school, residential private school, summer camps, university residences or dorms. Many of these are looked at as being beneficial to young people, giving them access to opportunities that they would not have if they stayed home all day. Yet when a senior is put into a setting where they get professional care, have access to daily activities to stimulate their minds and bodies, have medical staff on call, we use derogatory terms to describe the situation.
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BeenThroughThis May 2022
@Tothill, you wrote “It is funny there are many times in our youth when we spend time in group settings, yet few refer to warehousing of children. Daycare, preschool, school, residential private school, summer camps, university residences or dorms. Many of these are looked at as being beneficial to young people, giving them access to opportunities that they would not have if they stayed home all day. Yet when a senior is put into a setting where they get professional care, have access to daily activities to stimulate their minds and bodies, have medical staff on call, we use derogatory terms to describe the situation.” - end quote -

That is a fantastic way to think of the situation! It can make one proud of placing their LO in a professional care venue, rather than feeling like a failure for ‘having’ to do so.

Brava!
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I can certainly relate. After supporting my sister from 20 miles away for many years, she transitioned to memory care in January. She resisted and blamed me and claimed we were locking her away. The best advice we got was from the social worker who said time will change the dynamic. When she was first placed, I tried to visit daily but that only upset me and allowed her to lash out frequently. For the past month I've limited visits to two short visits a week. Things are much better for her as she's gotten involved in activities and forgotten why she's been placed. We chat about family history and I avoid anything that chases us down the rabbit hole. Counseling and/or a support group can only help.
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Maybe it isn't guilt? I cared for my mom 24/7 for four years. She then went to memory care. I was absolutely exhausted and could not bring myself to visit often. She expressing she wanted to go home would have depressed me terribly, had me in tears. That would not have been good for either of us. In a sense it was grieving, but, mostly helplessness, and the best way for me to deal with it was not visit.

Don't try to add to his feelings of helplessness, if it is that. It may be a sense of failure that he just couldn't do it any longer, especially if he is one of those "I just have to fix it men". Maybe not counseling, maybe he would attend a caregiver support group if you went with him. In my area there is a group that is just for men which may be helpful.

I am afraid that you are just going to have to sit back and be patient. Have you thought about counseling for yourself to gather information and ideas to help him? Possibly to become couple's counseling to explore ways to support each other through this journey, whatever that may look like.
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Would your husband hesitate to put his mother in the hospital if she had cancer, or some other illness? Well, this is the same thing! She has to go to Memory Care for the same reason.

In addition, he should visit for the sake of his mother. She needs someone to check in and advocate on her behalf. Placing your loved one in a facility does NOT mean just dropping them off, and forgetting about them. You visit for their sake.
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I agree with Tynagh. I'm always dismayed by the people who stay away using the guilt excuse or the "I can't bear to see him/her that way". Stop thinking of yourselves and start thinking of the person who needs the caregiving and the company. You are that persons lifeline - and you MUST be around to be their spokesperson and advocate. Go with your husband if he needs support, stay positive, help your MIL participate and make friends, and keep the atmosphere cheerful. Remember, you guys get to go home, she doesn't.
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BurntCaregiver May 2022
NYCmama,

Does it help to put more guilt on a person about not visiting? The OP's husband and herself have punished themselves enough with the guilt.
Sometimes it's better for the elder who has been placed to not see certain people for a while so they can acclimate to their new environments. The MIL dumps on the OP's husband (her son) whenever he visits. When the visit ends she brings the hysterics, negativity, misery, and abusive guilt. He should stay away or limit the visits to phone or Facetime until she improves.
Beatty is right. They should make a secret visit to the facility and not visit. Just observe. It could very well be that the OP's MIL has adjusted well and may be enjoying some things the facility offers.
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Tell your husband, JUST GO. It will not make the situation any better by him not seeing his mom. He may regret not going one day. Of course, this is only my opinion.
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Beatty May 2022
Very good point.

There was a poster who's DH suffered terrible guilt over his Mother & the NH situation.

Was a practical man, a born fixer, so wife keep pointing out the facts.

Fact #1 Mother had aged. Had Vas Dementia, recent # hip, CCF + much more.
Fact #2 No way he could prevent any of that from happening.
Fact #3 Mother required 24/7 care.
Fact #4 He worked full-time.
Fact #5 He was a builder. Had no medical training/skills.

So, he eventually was able to realise it was not HIM that put her in the NH.

Couldn't bring himself to visit very often as his heart rebroke every time. DID manage to visit if wife went along too, to bring cheer, treats etc. Otherwise he was sunk low by the Misery Show.

Years go by & she dies.

Then he TORTURES himself he did not visit enough!!!

I hope the OP reads this aloud.
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It was the hardest thing to put my Daddy in a group home. I had him in an assisted living but he was just not able to care for himself there and with me working and his SS and pension just did not cover the care he needed. I had to continue to work so I could pay for the professionals to care for him. Yes it was hard to see him like that but I have seen death I watched my grandmother die and I watched my Mama die. I knew he was not going to be here much longer. So I told the director I must be here when he goes and I must hold his hand. She agreed. When my Daddy did not get out of bed for a week. I was there everyday every hour. The director just let us be there. My siblings came and went and if they wanted to stay well we were allowed. We were not loud because of the other residents and we were respectful of the mask stuff because he died in 2021. But let me tell you I do feel guilt sometimes but I also tell me that I could not care for him. And now it's done I know I was there and he knows I was there I held his hand as he passed away and as best I could I sang his favorite hymn. So yes I feel guilt sometimes but I also feel great happiness that shadows that guilt because I know I did what needed to be done at the time it needed to be did. I would not change the decision I made, I would do it the same way with the same people if I had to do it all again.
Prayers for you and yours
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