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Call his bluff -- ask for alimony and greater than satisfactory child support-- and the house--then HE can go get an 2 BR apartment for himself and his mom. And yes-- you CAN do it. Before the accounts get frozen-- put down a retainer on a lady lawyer and get a retraining order from your local magistrate to get and keep him and his family out and off the property. His MOM needs to be in an assisted living facility-- where she will probably live out her last days, sad to say... HOME is no place for a disabled senior-- the "visiting angels" nursing costs will eat you out of house and home... Stand your ground-- protect the children... any judge will automatically be in agreement with you assuredly. Good Luck-- God bless--- you can still have a Merry Christmas.
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YIKESMUFFY Dec 2019
Awesome advise!!
Merry Christmas🎄
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Don't move her in... Me and my husband are still young and our youngest just moved out and we should be enjoying our lives but Im nice and moved his mom in with us. I had a melt down this morning because 2yrs later I do everything including stay home with her.. She has dementia. Im about to go nuts. No spending time with my 10 grandkids because it bothers her.. Mean while my husband works, gets off work and golfs or fishes. When he is home he ignores her... I cant! Just stand your ground!
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YIKESMUFFY Dec 2019
I’m so sorry for you and me, however we can teach others to say NO- and NO is a complete sentence! It can only get worse and those with dementia can live in this terrible demanding state forever- they keep adding more crazy demands daily my MIL died last year at 94.
Just an idea...keep having all of your grandkids over as much as possible, the more the merrier, maybe your MIL will decide that she needs to live somewhere quieter:)) Tell your husband that his mother has been begging to drive him around in his golf cart, ha! Enjoy your grandkids and most importantly, take care of YOU! Hugs.
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If you give into his demands it will be the biggest mistake of your. His mother is not your responsibility... she's her son's. They need to step up and get it done. Yours and the lives of your children will change forever if you cave... and not in a good way. STAND YOUR GROUND.
By the way, if his love for his mother is so great that he would threaten divorce to get his way.... then kick him to the curb so he can take care of her.
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bigsispjt Dec 2019
Or, let him get an apartment, mive his mom in with home, hire someone to clean out the hoarding mess and sell her home (that alone will be enough for the brothers!),and he will soon see the difficulty is running a business and taking care of his mom with no outside help.
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I lost my mother when I was 32 and she was 59; so I always said that she could come here when the time came she could not handle things on her own. Well, it has been eight years of living Hell. Let him take care of his mother. He will soon see why you refused!
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TractiJ29, You MUST stand your ground. I agree with others, call his bluff! Please take care of yourself and be strong...you are not a bad person at all. You have a lot of support here...please come back again...
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No MIL is moving into your home. If your husband cares more for his mother, or for "fulfilling his responsibilities" by delegating her caretaking to you, than he cares for you, take notice. It's easy for him to "take his mother in," b/c he is not the one having to take care of her.
You are definitely NOT a terrible person for being smart enough to know that moving MIL in would be a disaster for you and your children. It is not an option.
As you can tell, the posters on this forum are all behind you standing your ground!!
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Tracij29,
You are not a terrible person. You are a human who has been pushed to the very end of your wits.
I'm sorry for your family drama/trauma and that it has come to this bs with your marriage.
Stand your ground.
R27
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So very sorry your husband wants to divorce you. I am not The Holy Judge, but I wonder what that would teach yours kids, both your sons and daughters:
Sons learning from Dad that women are robots and their sole purpose is give man what he wants or demands., no questions ask, their emotions and input are invalid.
Daugters learning from Dad: You are a slave to men, if you express a need, it can lead to divorce.

Maybe I am exaggerating, but dead seriously!

First, regardless what anyone says, even the ones that say, you only got one Mom, you only got one Dad, your kids come first. They need you more. In America, we are blessed to be a country where there are NH and AL, and whoever can have a nurse coming to the house. There is more than one way to adequately care for a parent, and if you feel it is right to have them in NH and AL, it is not neglecting them if you are visiting them as much as you truly possibly can to make sure they are cared for. For people to understand caring for a parent is not the same thing or easier than caring for children, but a lot more difficult, even more difficult than child with severe special needs. True, no one likes to go to NH or AL, but doing what you do not like to do does not stop at a certain age, we never get to the age where we get entitled to get out of doing what we need to do but hate to do.
Being a mom is the hardest job ever done. You only have your kids for so long before they want lives of their own and not want Momma around so much, so, enjoy them, be there for them. They only have 18 years to become grown, only one childhood and teenhood, why should they have to give up their primary years because all attention and energy and sacrifices got to go to Grandma, who had all the adult years she had to live her life and enjoy what she could and such? These kids, their lives have not begun yet. Maybe the 18 year-old, barely, but still that child comes first. Being a child or teen comes with enough sacrifices, why add to it with Momma have no time or cannot do anything because Grandma taking up all the time?
And if Grandma will use lack of consideration or behavior to get back at kids for them driving her crazy when they were growing up, that is totally wrong.
I totally empathize with you. It is very easy just to dump stuff on people and think nothing of it, even worse when dumping stuff on a young person because young age does not make one invisible and can do all.
You feel like you cannot take this on, and you are not wrong with that. I hope I did not get into the Rant Mode too much, I seek your forgiveness if I did, but not everyone can take on caregiving, and if they cannot, they should not feel made to feel wrong, especially when one cannot know the whole story, and some parts of the story is not the bees of others to know. After all, there are other options, like NH and AL.
You are very strong and brave to stick to your ground.
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Dear “terrible person”,
I speak from experience. What you’re feeling by saying no is your understanding of what you can & cannot do. Being a caregiver is extremely exhausting. My advice is get the divorce. If your husband is happy to drop this responsibility on you lap he obviously doesn’t care about your welfare. You have enough responsibilities as it is. How can he not see how hard you’re already working? Trust me, if she moves in you will be filing for the divorce when you’re at your wits end. That’s what happened to me, and I’m much better off.

Elissa
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bigsispjt Dec 2019
My mother is 86, lives independently about 20 minutes away with help that comes in every day to do minor things. Her healthcare fac8is across the driveway. Nevertheless, as the only sibling here, it is still mentally and physically demanding. I can't imagine doing more with children in the household. Just trying to get her to hair or nail appointments, which she loves, is too much for me. It's like carrying around a 140 pound toddler.
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I see there are 130 answers and I wont even read them
IF he expects you to be a slave 24/7 with someone who at 77 is fairly young but with obvious major problems and then affect his children..
GIVE him the divorce.
NO you are not a bad person, you are responsible for your children, not some person who obviously doesnt look after themselves even in better times
I hope you stand your ground and have lots of respect for yourself and your children.
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He should not be making an ultimatum of divorce. You were lucky enough to get a taste of the difficult of taking her in. Your opinion is based on fact. Since he is not home for day and early evening, he can't appreciate all that you do or how completely difficult that month with mom must have been, but he must trust your judgment. Stand your ground.
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First, let me say that I agree wholeheartedly with all the people who said not to move your MIL into your home. It will destroy your life and the lives of your children.
 
However, there is one topic I haven't seen addressed: finances. If your MIL goes to assisted living, how much of the financial burden of that would your husband expect to take on? I ask this because of reading about one father who wanted "the best" for his mother, and emptied the family's bank accounts to keep her in a very nice (expensive) assisted living place. This father then wanted to know how he could tell his daughter that the money they had always promised her for college had been spent to take care of her grandmother. There was nothing left for the daughter's college.
 
If your husband is prepared to make decisions without considering your input and welfare, it is possible that he would also be prepared to damage the family financially to do what he thought needed to be done, no matter the impact on his wife and children. So please also consider this aspect of your situation.
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You need to come to an agreement as to where your priorities lie. Right now, your priorities should be your children. I'm hoping he is only saying he wants a divorce because he's at the end of his rope and that's not really what he wants. I would suggest in this case that you both go for couple counselling with a registered psychologist to help come to an agreement of how to handle this situation or if he doesn't want to work on your relationship and a divorce is really something he wants even though you may not want it, what the implications would be. It may make him think otherwise. Other things to take into consideration is that dementia is the type of condition that really requires a person with special education to handle. The fastest growing age group right now is those 100+ and this group of people need special care that most of us are not equipped to deal with. Good luck and let me know how it goes!
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I just posted a message on Traci's board, asking if she is a troll.

I think we need to stop responding until she does.
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NYDaughterInLaw Dec 2019
I was thinking the same thing and looking through the pages of answers for any response from the poster and have yet to find one.
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Prayers sent up for you. Follow your heart and your God given common sense & gut feelings. I've been in a few situations. As a woman of faith I still get feelings of guilt & am reminded by some what the bible says about taking care of others needs? I pray for discernment and know Gods word, but references are also made that sometimes we must step away. He is in control.
So much good advice here. Logical and true, especially from those that have been there but ultimately you have to make the decisions, may sound easier said than done. There's much help offered on this site. Just getting to unload our situations without fear of criticism or judgement is a big help, instead of it all in our thoughts leaving no room for a sane decision. My unsolicited opinion with all due respect. You come first without feeling selfish about it to then take care of your children! God will give you strength, ability and will direct your steps. He will take care of what you are not able to do. Guaranteed!
Taking the Liberty to share this: Last Christmas my youngest grand daughter
(24 yrs. old.) gave me a beautiful journal to write my memoirs ? ☺️ Also said Nana should write a book! I don't have time ' cause taking care of Papoo (grandpa) is my full time job now. My husband has vascular dementia. It's not easy sometimes but when things get hairy I remind myself of what I've written to you as unsolicited advice. I often jest that I never imagined having a child at my age, but Papoo is like a child at times. He's my child & he comes first after I take care of me too. I am blessed with two daughters, 2 grand daughters & a grandson ( referred to as #1 ' cause he's the only GS) who all live within 10 miles. They are all willing and able to help me, which is another blessing but I am still able. They get a little helicopter like at times and have a life so I tell them that when I need anything I would let them know.
Its nap time for Papoo and being thankful to have time to spend here, I must away for now. Do stay in touch here. It will help even just to vent. 🤓
God bless you.
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XenaJada Dec 2019
U r hugely blessed to have family who helps u!
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Dear Abby would say consult a lawyer about the financial situation first - just so you know how to protect yourself whether divorce happens or not. Your husband's ultimatum might very well be empty - I say that because there is no logic backing it. If he divorce's you, there will still be nobody at home to take care of his mother, so how does the divorce help him or his mother? Unless of course, he thinks you will get your MIL in the settlement???? (sorry for the sarcasm). I don't know about the rest of your marriage, but he seems to be acting manipulative and immature about this situation. If you need permission to do what you have to for you and the kids, I hereby declare you free to flee!
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No, you are not a terrible person but you are clairvoyant. You can see how she would upset and complicate your lives! You don't need mom in your household in its current state of four children and an almost absentee husband. She could live for years yet and you owe it to your children that their care and concern comes first. The relative in Oklahoma needs to find her a long-term care facility THERE for when she is ready for discharge from the hospital. Tell your husband that if he gets a divorce it will cost him double because he'll not only have alimony/child support pay but he'll have to hire round-the-clock outside help to care for mom. Good luck sweetheart and stay strong. Lots of hugs
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Ouch! It seems that your husband's family has some dysfunctional relationships that have been going on for a long, long time. You may never be able to get those fixed - nor is it your responsibility.

Your hubby's probably viewpoint: He and his sibling(s) are responsible for the care of his parents in their old age. You already pointed out that his brother did not do a "good job" of caring for them. Your hubby realizes this as well. He sees it as his responsibility to make sure they are cared for... and assumes that this care must be under his watchful eyes... and probably yours too! Take it as a compliment that he sees you as being some kind of Wonder Woman who can handle anything.

Your take: You realize that your MIL needs care and probably FIL as well. You have your hands full of caring for your children, your home, and "the business" as well. No married person with a spouse who owns a business is uninvolved in helping with "the business's" success. You feel like being "saddled" with your MIL will be a never-ending job that will be difficult and only get harder. You have decided that it would end in burn out that happens sooner rather than later.

Possible Action: Tell your hubby you need some "time off" to think about what he said. Spend a week with your family or at a friend's home. Outline all the additional work you would have to do for MIL. Research how much it would cost for somebody else to do those tasks for her. Research what the requirements are for the county or state to get involved in their "hoarder problem". It may be that FIL and MIL both need to be in assisted living facility or cared for in their home by others - once the garbage is cleared away. Do MIL and FIL have finances to provide for their care? Do you and your hubby... and the rest of that side of the family? Does somebody have POAs? While you are getting your answers, let hubby assume care for the household, the children, the schedule... all the tasks you normally do.

Once you have outlined some options, come home and have a meeting with your hubby. Ask him to share how life was without you for the week? Explain that this would be "normal life" without you and probably less finances too. Show him the results of your research. Show him ways that his parents can be cared for that you are comfortable with. The goal is to make sure his parents are cared for... and to keep your family intact. It is possible to help his parents and keep your marriage happy and healthy too .
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I have read ever post and my heart goes out not only to the poor wife in this "charade" but also to the wives who have written in making suggestions. I will tell all of you what I told a young still married friend of mine whose husband refinanced their house (she said that he forged her name) and apparently got all of the equity out which she suspects he put in a joint account with his mother. He had threatened divorce and his taking the 2 children. I told her to tell her parents what is going on but her father says that she can't tell her mother because her mother is "too fragile". Get advice from the best divorce attorney you can hire even if you have to borrow money. She/he will tell you your options. Praying, psychotherapy etc. are fine but you have to assume that he will empty out any bank accounts first.  Perhaps Tracij29 is not even on any bank account.  All the more reason that she needs legal advice first. If she spends time on therapy, etc. now, he will have time to "plan his attack". Nobody who contributed to this post has told her to "give in" and if a man is so "blind" that he would even threaten divorce, I wouldn't want him. There is a saying that "to be forewarned is to be forearmed". I believe that if Traci tries to give him the benefit of the doubt, he will act like he is in sympathy with her but I don't see how she can ever trust this "woos" of a man again.
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You are married to a bully. Any time someone makes a demand based on a threat, that is bullying. I don't know how old you are, but you should either get counseling to see if he will change his ways or be happy to be rid of him. Nobody should put up with living with a bully.
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Stand your ground. We're behind you. So sorry for the hell you are going through... a bunch of us are. You are not alone in that respect.
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Barbbrooklyn, I am beginning to think the OP might be a troll too since she has gotten so many responses and she hasn’t responded back. Even so, if someone is in a predicament like hers, these are very good answers to read through. I’m hoping it might help someone else!!
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guiltridden64 Dec 2019
With four children, she may not have a lot of time to look back on here.
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You could tell you husband that if he wants her cared for, he could move in to her house and take care of her. Stand your ground. Caregiving is much more stressful because it is round the clock unless you have paid help come in, and it is very expensive.
Grace + Peace,
Bob
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I have been in your position although my father-in-law was not so old and didn't have so many health issues. He was an alcoholic though. Eventually it did turn out to end my marriage and I walked away from it. I couldn't cope with all the extra duties loaded onto me and my husband hardly lifted a finger to help. In any difficult situation my husband took his father's side and made me feel as if I were a servant. I had a full time job as well.

You are not a terrible person and I admire the fact that you know in advance that you don't want your m-i-l to move in. If you have a good marriage your husband will not carry out his threat although there may be some turbulent times for a while. If it is a so-so marriage you will probably be better off without him if he puts his mother's needs before those of yours and your children.
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2019
Nice to see your encouragement from your own experiences to the OP. I agree with your sentiments regarding this situation.
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You obviously have not spoke about this before.....and resolved it! What about the children from a split family. lawyers , ever other weekend, is this what YOU REALLY WANT> Start with talking to a Dr about what is best for mom!
Then if ...look at your choices NOT just what u or he wants look at all the choice for her. Home new home, add a room, day sitter, ............have more problems than just mom!
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FloridaDD Dec 2019
Yes, divorce is not good with kids, but neither is their mother being driven to an early grave being forced to take care of MIL.   What is best for MIL may not be best for mom, kids or even dad.   No, new home or add  a room will NOT solve all problems, nor will day sitter.
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NO!!! Do NOT allow your husband to force this ultimatum on you and the children! Stand your ground! Lord, WHAT is he thinking?!
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Go ahead and get a divorce from this selfish &$@"$!?. Kick him out of the house, he can get his own place and take his momma with him. He'll beg to come back-without Mommy.
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Oh Hell no, if its a divorce he wants, he gets mom too in the divorce. If he was so fast to throw the divorce card he is either wanted out for a while already or doesnt give a dam how she effects you and the kids.
If that be the case, give him that divorce. Give it to him good.

You take his kids and his money AND THE HOUSE and at least 1/2 the business and lets see how he does with much less and his mom. They will do just fine together in a little tiny condo. Sounds like they make a good pair.
Honey, trust me- How I ended up with the guy I got, it still amazes me, with the crap our family has been thru- he hasnt walked. If anyone man ever said to me, you do this or divorce- I tear up his part of the world. PS dont forget to get attorney fee's too. :)
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Tracij29, Now that Thanksgiving weekend is over, please update all of us. There are many on here giving good support. Just let us know how things are going, hopefully improvements ????
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So you are supposed to take care of a difficult mother in law With dementia while her sons wash their hands of responsibilities? Sell the RV and find a nice assisted living facility.
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