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I’m with you Xenajada, I would rather live in a van down by the river rather than live with my mother OR mother n law!!!!! I would rather be HOMELESS!!!! Take your kids and RUN out of the house when a MOMMY N LAW moves back in!!!!!
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You are not a bad person. I look at this as husband is gone over 12 hours a day. He has no idea what you do in the course of the day. Running the kids here and there. I am really surprised u had 4 kids.

Here is what I think. Mom has Dementia and left FIL because of it. He could have said something that just set her off. Its the Dementia. How old is FIL? Is his health good? If so she is his responsibility. He is going to have to deal with her health problems. He is going to need to make decisions. Maybe with his son's help but she is FILs responsibility. And if I was the Aunt, I would be furious that my nephews felt it was my responsibility to take care of their mother. If Moms 77 the Aunt is close in age.

MIL being in the hospital is a good time for FIL and sons to sit down and figure out the next step. She will probably go to rehab, let her. Medicare will pay 100% for first 20 days then 50% up to 100 days. MIL may pay $160 a day from 21 to 100 days. If FIL can't afford it, then he can apply for Medicaid.

While MIL is in rehab, get her evaluated. If its found that MIL will need 24/7 care and FIL and sons are not able to provide it, then LTC is next option. FIL will become a Community spouse. Assets will be split and MILs part will need to be spent down and then Medicaid applied for.

I am basing what I said on that in-laws don't have a lot of assets. There are ALs too. He could place Mom in one and he goes and lives with her. That way he gets 3 meals a day. A nice room/apt and he can come and go as he pleases knowing that there is staff there for Mom. Or just place her in one and visit.

Dementia is a terrible disease. You never know what someone suffering from or will do. Paranoia can set it in. MIL could hurt one of your children. Your husband has a lot on his plate too. Right now, he feels you are the person he should be able to count on and he can't because you too have a full plate. Tell husband you can support him but you cannot have a woman, who will become like a child, living with you. Its not fair for him to think you can care for one more person especially one who will need more and more care as time goes on. Is he going to come home at 9pm and give u a break. Is he going to help toilet her and diaper her.

Good Luck. I hope husbands family can come together and do what is best for MIL. Come back and tell us how it works out.
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Beatty Nov 2019
You got it. The responsibility order is spouse, then adult children, then adult siblings. Nowhere is Daughter-in-law listed.

Agree if I was Aunt I'd be gobsmacked at both nephews lack of maturity.
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Thats a great answer calicokat!!!! If hubby moves her back in, you LEAVE the house for 2 weeks!!!! He needs to GET what the reality is of taking care of his mother all by himself!!!!!
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kdcm1011 Dec 2019
Yes, and take the 4 children with her on a well-deserved vacation. Even if just across town.
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I live in Tulsa. Contact Life Senior Services and ask for help. They have caregiver counselors who can guide you to all local resources helpful in her situation. I've used them many times for my 87 year old mom. Their Vintage Magazine and Vintage Guide to Housing and Services are great resources. They also have Vintage senior living apartments and Adult Day Services with transportation and meals. You can also contact Tulsa County Area Agency on Aging about an "at risk" senior and request a home assessment.
DO NOT BRING HER TO YOUR HOUSE unless you and your husband are in agreement and you have a strong network of supports in place. Your first responsibility is to your children.
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You are not a terrible person, my goodness! Stick to your decision. I would say to dear husband "HIT THE ROAD JACK AND DON'T COME BACK NO MORE NO MORE!!! Divorce?? For acting smart and sensible! Take care of your children! Wishing you well.
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NO, you are NOT a terrible person. Your husband on the other hand...

Stand your ground and call his bluff. In fact I would raise him and say YES let's get divorced! I'm ready!

How dare he pull the divorce card because you won't let his elderly mother move into your home!

I agree with all the others who said to talk to a lawyer ASAP. Get your ducks in a row and prepare for divorce. Then call his bluff and have him served. In fact file for alimony and child support NOW. Ask him where he plans to move so you can forward any mail.

Now who is going to take care of his mother?
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cherokeegrrl54 Nov 2019
BEST. ANSWER. YET!!!!
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Is that RV around? Because my recommend is that you get in it and disappear for a while so he understands what it will be like.
As far as a terrible person I refuse to address that because you already know that is a lie. Know your limitations. You are a human being. Not a Saint. Were you a Saint you would die shot full of arrows and spend eternity trying to answer the prayers of people like your husband. ETERNITY. So you are a human with limitations and Mom is one major limitation in my book.
Now. Either you have a marriage in which you can talk, or you do not. With four children I am assuming you do not work full time. Your husband is, whether meaning to or not, considering you his slave to care for his progeny, to help with his business and to care for his aging mother. If this is TRULY what he expects when you sit and talk together, yes, I suggest a divorce. And I would let him know that you will be leaving the children with him so that you can get a job and support yourself. And I would let him know that one half of his assets, indeed belong to you. And I would see a divorce lawyer as in yesterday.
Never, my weakest moment alive, did I imagine I would be capable of caring for my brother in my home. I simply am not capable of that. I would tell your husband that, if he moves his mother in with you he stands an 80% chance (or better) that you will leave him with Mom and the children.
And now you need to start making yourself a life that you can sustain yourself in. Do you have friends? Go to them. Do you have accounts that are yours? See to it they remain yours; if not, before you have this heart to heart, see to it that you move some cash into an account in your name only. Things may get very ugly very fast. And the answer to all this CANNOT be that you capitulate to attempt care giving. I hope you have been on this site. I hope you see what people go through as they give up the entirety of their lives to those they care for. And they seldom have four children.
I hope you will update us. Take a deep breathe. Do not act from anger. Find friends and find support however you have to do that. Speak with your husband ONLY from a kind, slow, careful and rational heart, not in the heat of fear and pain.
All best to you. This is truly quite awful. But you know that. You must stand for yourself now, stand your ground BY yourself and FOR yourself, and ultimately for your family as well, because this, my dear would be the most unfair thing you could EVER do to four children. THEY are your family. You must act with care.
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Isthisrealyreal Nov 2019
Why would she leave her children with a male like this? Sorry, but I think that is terrible advice to give. She doesn't want to take care of his mommy so she abandons her own children!? What?!?
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My parents moved my mom's mom into their home right after I graduated from high school. I can honestly say my parents' marriage was never the same and they still argued about details from those years into their 70s and long after grandma was deceased. It is a situation I would not recommend.
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WOW, Tracij. I don't mean to be unkind, BUT....... your husband is kind of a a$$. I say call his bluff. Or maybe YOU should get into the RV and disappear. Seriously, you have just listed ALL the very real and excellent reasons your MIL should not stay with you as her full-time caretaker. Do whatever you need to do to save yourself. If you think things are bad now, just wait and see what happens if you volunteer to take on being your MIL's nursemaid. It will not be good for anyone (except maybe your clueless, out-of-touch husband). Did I tell you to do whatever you need to do to save yourself? Do whatever you need to do to save yourself!

Oh, and btw, don't go solving your husband's "mother problem" for him. Bc he won't appreciate that, either, and then you'll be blamed for everything you've done, tried to do, blah blah blah. He needs to take care of his mother starting NOW.
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i don't know if this would help, but is it possible to build an apartment for her and hire help? I don't know your financial situation, but that could be a sort of compromise. If she has money of her own, and agrees, she could contribute towards her own care. That way, you'd deal with her occasionally...family dinners and celebrations and not so much on a minute to minute basis. It's not perfect. But my sister handled a similar situation in this way. Also, your husband may have to hire help at work so he can get home more often to visit with mom. Make that clear. It's not going to be all on you. You have your children. Your own life. My sister's MIL lived in a connecting apartment with a kitchenette. She used her own money to help with expenses.
She knew not to just barge in, but they were close at hand if she needed them. From time to time, other relatives would take her for short vacations. They lived this way for twelve years. As I said, it's not perfect, but it worked and the marriage survived.
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MaryKathleen Nov 2019
It doesn't sound like your Sister's MIL didn't have dementia. To me this is a whole different scenario.

I am on the side of getting my own lawyer ASAP and protecting myself and my children.
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Can MIL and FIL live in their RV near your hubby? That might be a solution to having them living closer and easier to check on. But ultimately, it is spouse and BIL's problem to solve. Your only responsibility is to help find solutions, not become an indentured servant.
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Don't be naive. You have children. You have a life. You matter. I'd take your husband's threat seriously.

Threatening divorce is not a normal response to feeling "overwhelmed" or "terrified". It's extreme. When a man threatens divorce he has probably been thinking it; it doesn't just come out of nowhere. But now he needs you to take care not only of his children but also his mother.

Threatening divorce may be his way to get you to give in and do it all until his kids are out of the house and his mother is dead. And when his dad needs care, guess who your husband thinks is going to do that too or else D-I-V-O-R-C-E.

So, Tracij29, you take $1000 cash out of the bank on Black Friday and get yourself a consultation with the best divorce attorney in town. And you keep your mouth shut about it. If he asks about the money, say it was for Christmas presents. He does not need to know that you spent that money on the best Christmas present you can give yourself and your children: protection from your husband whose a real piece of work.

Sorry to be blunt but I have no respect for men like your husband. What he did was very wrong and unless he sincerely apologizes to you up and down and sideways on Sundays, I urge you to BELIEVE him when he says he will divorce you.

And start socking away cash in case your momma's-boy-husband loses his god@mn mind because he's cracking under pressure. Divorces can get real nasty real fast and you do not want to get caught empty handed with no money. Your husband may drain your bank accounts and then what are you going to do?
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cherokeegrrl54 Nov 2019
You said it plain snd perfect!!! This IS the reality right now!! Hope she listens....
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Wow...I may be where you are in a few years, plus my husband is being evaluated for neurological/cognitive issues. Husband is 67 and MIL is 92, and a narcissist. You are NOT a terrible person and if your husband is giving you an ultimatum and you can afford for you and the kids to be on your own then give him the divorce (after making sure he legally supports you and the kids). Trust me, you will become bitter, depressed, continually sad and angry if you agree to your husband's demands here. Your life will be over and I assume you are still quite young by your children's ages. I am younger than my husband we already have to live our lives around MIL's needs. I told my husband that, if he is diagnosed with something like Parkinson's, Dementia, etc., he needs to turn responsibility of his mother to a guardian agency because I will not take care of him and her both. We have only been married 5 years!

NYDaughterInLaw gave really sound advice. I really hope you and your husband work this out but do not hesitate to give him that divorce if he does not change his tune.
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Traci; If the "lot more drama" is that your husband is in general an unreasonable person, then yes, get yourself a consultation with a lawyer asap.

However, if this is UNCHARACTERISTIC of him and in general you have a solid marriage with a history of being able to solve problems, then try the mediation route and find out what sources of help for elders are available locally.

If she is currently in the hospital, MAKE SURE that they discharge her to rehab and not "home".

Tell DH that he must insist that letting her go to anyone's home is an "unsafe discharge". Those are the magic words.
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It’s too hard to have someone else living with you. Even if it’s good circumstances. You have a busy household. You lose your privacy.

I would be very leery of a husband who chooses his mom over his wife. Hope things work out for you.
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To find out the real reason your hubs threatened divorce, show up just before quitting time at "the business".
Tonight is a perfect time for that. imo.
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My first thought is: ...if he divorces you, who does he think will be taking care of his mother? Unless he conveniently has a "back up" plan, he will be managing the whole mess himself until he finds, what?, a replacement? If he does have his backup plan setup, he better be sure the replacement is onboard with the challenge of caregiving.
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Takincare Nov 2019
Sounds like Aunt would be back up plan
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Where does he think he will take care of mom if you get the house? Because where I live ( and seeing several of my friends get "divorced by their husbands", )and with 4 minor children.. you have a good case for keeping the "family home" and him paying for it,, or a crap ton in child support ( and yes some people still get alimony these days if they have been a "stay at home "mom") Gonna be fun in an apartment, Honey!. You can also have the lawyer look into hubs continuing to pay for the kids, and maybe your , health insurance, and college funds for the kids.. Trust me, if you get a pit bull lawyer, you can put the fear of the future into him! And if you find out he has a "honey" more ammo perhaps? But honestly, is this a family thing? MIL has an episode, her hubs drops her like a hot potato, and now the first thing your hubs does is threaten divorce? Was MIL always compliant with things until now? And her hubs can't handle the "defiance"? I agree, get a lawyer, get your ducks in order.. and then if he throws this at you again.. show him reality. But you need to be able to stand your ground, because he is not going to happy with this reality!
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Takincare Nov 2019
Dont forget 1/2 of the family business too. Not sure about Texas law but in Illinois if your married 20 years he could have to pay for the rest of his life. This is in addition to child support.
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lealonnie I agree with you. Why would a mother abandon her 4 kids?? She had 4 kids and they are so young, please don’t abandon your kids and just leave them with your husband. Although if she really wants to drive the point home to her husband, the OP should leave the kids with her husband temporarily like a week or 2 and let him see how it feels to watch 4 kids, go to work AND take care of his beloved Mommy!!! He expects his wife to watch the kids all the time while he works 12 hours a day. Let him FEEL the reality of things. Words don’t work. They have to FEEL the experience. He will BEG you to come back home, and if he doesn’t then you talk to a lawyer and file for custody of your kids. I agree. Find an attorney on Black Friday!!!
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Takincare Nov 2019
Leaving WITH the kids for 2 weeks of fun for the kids, leaving HIM with mom and her care would be better. Everything left in his hands and will not be able to delegate his responsibilities to older children. Can see it now, you babysit the toddler, you take care of gram. Still not his monkey or his circus. BUT if there is no one there to do it he will have to step up or throw in the towel. Make sure to text him pics of kids having a good time on their vacation.
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Alva, the reason that you don't just take off is because the spouse left behind can file abandonment charges and then you would be fighting for custody with an abandonment charge.

I knew a lady that her husband said, go take a vacation and I'll deal with the kids. Sounds like a nice considerate gesture, but when she went back the next day, less then 24 hours, the locks were changed and he had filed these charges. She never got her twins back and she had supervised visits. All because she went to take a break at his recommendation. Obviously he had it planned and he had a ho on the side, but he did it and deprived her of her children, all legal and lawful because she left her children.
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NeedHelpWithMom Nov 2019
You’re absolutely right, ITRR

I know someone that lost three kids for the same reason. The judge ended up ruling supervised visitation. Custody was awarded to the father.

Her husband immediately moved his girlfriend that he had on the side into the home before their divorce was even final. The children were devastated.
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Avoid a war at all cost. The kids are so young. Ask if he would consider counseling first? He may listen better coming from a professional who is neutral. What about an assisted living for mom?
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rovana Nov 2019
Basically I agree about protecting the kids - But - "No means No.", not "We'll go to counseling and maybe then I can be persuaded." That could well be how husband sees it.  I don't think it wise to leave any wiggle room here about taking MIL into home.  And that is to protect the kids!    I think looking into placement is an excellent idea, because with dementia it's going to come to that. Not a problem that will go away if you ignore it.
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NYDaughterInLaw sure wins the prize for best answer on this one. The very best one. I hope to see updates from the OP in future and hope most of all she protects herself and her kids from hubby and his Mom
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For the personal ads: WANTED: wife #2 for about to be divorced father of 4 to care for children (some weekends) & Mother-in-Law with dementia (24/7). Potential to care for Father-in-law too. Like living in RV a bonus & living frugally due to wages being allocated to support wife #1 & children so able to maintain a shift work job at night useful.

I joke - I often try humour with my DH after a horrible argument (a few days later!). But the situation is not a joke. Please update - I truly hope he has his tail between his legs, has begged forgiveness, finished his freak out & now taking steps to assist his parents.
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rovana Nov 2019
Actually Beatty, what you describe is no joke. I can see it now.
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What is it with some sons and their mothers? I don’t get it!

My MIL is deceased. My husband loved his mom but he definitely wasn’t a ‘momma’s boy.

My MIL was directly responsible for him not being a ‘momma’s boy. She had three sons and she raised all of them to be independent. Thanks mom.

Yes, I happily called her mom. She was my second mom. Actually. I was closer to her than my own mother. She died too young, only 68, from non Hodgkin’s lymphoma. I miss her.
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Tell your husband if that’s how he feels, if his only solution to care for HIS mother is you, you’ll be glad to help him pack. DO NOT let him badger you to care for HIS mother.
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NO, NO, NO - you are not a "terrible person" whatever that means. If there are any "terrible persons" in this mess, they are your unreasonable husband and brother in law.  Sounds like they are the kind of antiquated males that think they have the right to delegate/dump  anything tiresome on any female in the vicinity.  This is not biblical, but it has been going on for a long time and there are many men who have those expectations - if you can put any mess in a woman's back yard, then you do it.  And all too often these are people who go on about moral values. family values, etc. I think you have to consider reasonably what you can/cannot do and stand firm.  By the way, if your husband wants to divorce you, who does he think will take care of his mom?  He needs to put on thinking cap and look seriously at various other options for mom. Ones that might actually work!
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No worries!
You want a divorce too if he moves his mother in.
You are both in agreement.

This would be a deal breaker, imo.
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Speak 1 sentence...NO. That one simple word is a sentence. You have had a small taste of how it would be if she was to move in. With dementia she will not improve nor get better, unfortunately she will only get worse as time passes. Maybe the kinder thing to do FOR her would be a memory care facility? She will have the assistance she needs and by being in the beginnings of dementia would be able to assimilate better than waiting for her to get worse and then adding the stress of a move on her at that time. I don't know how bad home for her is, safety issues for father in law too? How old is FIL and is he too a hoarder? They may have been feeding off of each other this whole time. Maybe getting a wellness check on him via police department (call their local police non emergency number, explain about living conditions in the home) It could be that neither one of them can live alone anymore and can be placed together. Let your BIL and husband worry about cleaning up the house issue. You said she has multiple medical problems, is her husband her poa and she his? Could be a big can of worms. Seems like her son really didn't care about her care when he did not take her to doc for meds and allowed her to return home. Was this by her request? We had MIL live with us for almost 2 years. It was a HUGE adjustment for us. Our children are grown and out of the home so it didn't affect them the way it will affect yours. Will he listen to reason when it comes to the safety and wellbeing of the children? Try talking to your local United way, they have many programs and may be able to help all of you. Also some states actually have residency requirements before a person can be eligible for state aid, most are 6 months. She may be better off being placed in her current home state for that reason. Ask husband what he plans on doing when she becomes incontinent or forgets appropriate bathroom etiquette, or removes her adult diaper wherever she is? Or she begins wandering, acting inappropriately at home, let alone out in public? When she forgets how to eat or swallow? These things will come to pass in time. The hoarder issues will not go away, it will just follow her to your home. Good luck to you and yours. Why does he feel it's your job and not BIL responsibility? Much to discuss with him.
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Tracij29 You ARE NOT a terrible person! However, it sounds like your husband and his brother are for even expecting you to take on this massive task. It was very hard for me doing it for my mother and father until they needed to go into a nursing home. Do not agree to this on any account. You have a young and large family to care of and your first priority must be them. Believe me when I say that your mother in law will only get worse with time and she could potentially last another 20 years. Do you want to give up 20 precious years! Can you call your husband’s bluff and say, “Okay if you want a divorce that’s fine with me, but don’t come running back when you realise you have made one big mistake”. It is not your job to be caregiver to his mother. Your life would not be your own. You would be a permanent prisoner and the stress would be unimaginable. I hope your husband comes to realise his mistake.
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I think I noticed that you said that your MIL was currently in the hospital. If so, you have an opportunity to get her help from very knowledgeable sources there. They go by various names, like social worker, discharge nurse, ombudsmen, etc. Very often these people are most aware of community, government, and for pay resources. (Just be careful since they often try to force family members to take LO’s home as an easy fix.)
No matter what you and hubby do, don’t let this opportunity to get professional advice pass you by.
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