My husband is 84. We have been married 57 years. An old friend visited us and shortly after they began an online affair. How do I cope?

With Alzheimer's or dementia at play, he is unable to see the consequences of his own behavior and how it's affecting YOU. He's become self centered and self indulgent, with no empathy to be able to ask, "How would I feel if she were doing this to me?"

I'd either disable his computer or set up parental controls on it to prevent him from talking to this other woman. I'd also call the skank on the phone and tell her to immediately discontinue this nonsense with my husband or she'll be contacted by my ATTORNEY. That he suffers from dementia and you'll file a document with the court for HER to take over his care and management from now on, including his incontinence briefs and daily suppository management for constipation which often results in blow-outs she'll need to clean up.

He'll never hear from her AGAIN, guaranteed. 😁

This is so very common with folks that have any of the dementias. Your husbands brain is broken and he has absolutely no idea that what he is doing is wrong.
Now your "old friend" may be a different story. If she doesn't have dementia then shame on her and I would confront her and tell her to stop taking advantage of your husband.
I would block her from any and all communication from him.
Then please educate yourself more about the disease of dementia, as you will discover just how very common this is.
One of the ladies in my caregiver support group often shares the story of when her husband was in memory care and she would go visit him he would be sitting with another woman holding her hand. His wife would just go sit on the opposite side of him and hold his other hand.
She said that it actually brought her comfort knowing that he had found someone there at the facility that brought him some joy.
You can't hold this against someone with a broken brain, but you can however hold it against someone whose brain is not broken.
Wishing you the very best as you travel this very difficult road with your husband.

It's not laughable because you're old. It's wrong and hurtful to you. That shouldn't be funny to anyone.

Your husband has dementia so you really can't blame him for his behavior.
Does the old "friend" have dementia? If she does then you should have a talk with her family and recommend they restrict her computer use. If she doesn't have dementia then she is to blame and is responsible for her actions.

If such is the case and I were you, I'd visit this old "friend" personally and tell her in no uncertain terms that she is never to contact your husband again in any way. No calls, no visits, no emails, no letters. Then demand she delete him from all of her social media sites too. No communication means no communication. This means everyone's friendship is now over.

If she refuses, ruin her to her family and on social media. Don't let this b*tch make a fool out of you like she is with your husband. Oh, hell no.

He doesn't have a clue why you are upset, his mind is broken. Set up parental controls, block her.

You do not have to stay there, you can leave, or you can place him in a facility, which is probably where he needs to be anyway.

Send her a text, tell her to back off, as he is mentally impaired, if she doesn't, have your attorney send her a registered letter.

Time to play hardball.

You haven’t really told us what this ‘on line affair’ consists of. As it’s on line, probably not sex, more like flattery and sweet nothings. You were there when the old friend visited you, so you probably watched the start of it. Is she also heading for dementia? Do you suspect her of trying to scam your husband financially? Or is she just having a fling without needing birth control, just for the sheer hell of it?

I can see that it’s upsetting, but I don’t really go along with the suggestions for legal threats and general nastiness (unless you genuinely think it’s scam related). Unfortunately old men who go into nursing homes are not unknown to have ‘love affairs’, with holding hands in the common areas etc. That occurs even when their actual wives and family visit them.

If you can treat it as a bad joke, you could be doing everyone a kindness. Let’s hope it fades as quickly as it blossomed. Alternatively, let’s hope that the phone/ computer develops a mysterious defect.

Have courage. Old age is a bugger.

So, clearly you are saying your husband has some dementia.
This likely will worsen.
It's time for an assessment, and consideration of where you should be living independently at this time.
I do not think, your husband being no matter the man he was at this point, that it is very realistic to worry about his online behavior. And he may not be able to work a disabled computer, or fix it.

I agree with Fawnby, MeDolly, and Lealonnie in all they say to you.

Cut off his online access and use a therapeutic fib that "the internet seems to be down today" or the phone (or laptop) is broken and is out for repairs.

What's the deal with the other woman/friend? Does she have cognitive impairment as well?

He has memory problems and medical problems. As a result he has loss of insight and loss of empathy. His actions are likely due to his health issues.

So this is an online affair? What makes you call it that? This is an old friend with whom he's corresponding, right? Maybe write to cheer each other up and pass jokes back and forth?

Unless they're cooing sweet nothings via email and sending pix of their private parts to each other, nothing amiss is happening. Lots of people are online friends, but that doesn't mean it's an affair.

As we get older, our circle of friends diminishes and we have a longing to keep the ones who are still available. Cut him some slack and be grateful that he's not following you around all day repeating the same sentences about having rats in the attic and looking upset. His online contact is a hobby. They're not going to sneak out and meet in the back seat of his old Chevy.

If you are distraught about this, I can't imagine how you're going to handle the later stages of his "memory problems." It might be a good idea to find a counselor to whom you can express your concern.

Good luck.

This is normal in a person who suffers from Dementia or ALZ. I don't blame you though for getting upset this is out of the ordinary for this man. I agree with everyone who has responded so far. You will not be able to get thru to him but you can speak to the friend. Tell her that it upsets you that they email each other and to please stop. That ur DH suffers from Dementia and does not see where this is hurting you. YOU do everything for him. Explain, if she doesn't stop, you will find a way to block her. If she finds a way to contact him you will file a harassment claim because your DH can no longer speak for himself. (Not sure if u can or not but a little bluffing won't hurt.

Can you explain exactly what you mean by saying that you don’t want to be around him? You aren’t married to the same man that he was before he had dementia. You can’t fault him for not knowing any better.

Perhaps this situation is stirring up other emotions that you are feeling. It’s understandable that you are concerned about your husband being alone without your help so you don’t want to leave him. I do hope that you aren’t doing all of the hands on caregiving yourself.

You say that he has “memory problems” along with other medical issues.

I understand that you don’t like this situation but his behavior isn’t unusual for someone who has dementia.

He no longer has the capability of discernment to realize that his behavior is hurtful to you. What will you do if he has to be placed in a facility and this continues?

Why don’t you speak with his doctor about this behavior? Maybe then you can realize that sadly this is a symptom of his dementia declining.

You could ask the woman to stop communicating with him if you like or simply block her.

Wishing you peace as you continue on this difficult journey.