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Sounds like YOU are very needy. Same reasons why women don’t leave their abusers in a lot of cases. Don’t put your name on anything with him. You already know what he is like. Run, don’t walk away from this relationship.
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You need to move on with someone else. The way you talk about her on here you would be gone. It will only make life worst for you and your boyfriend.
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Reread what you wrote then run.
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Why would you make plans to move in with a lazy and disrespectful man (your words) who doesn't even respect you enough to ASK you about moving his mother in?

This man is clearly expecting you to care for his mother. Has he made arrangements for a nurse or helper? No. He supposedly can't afford it. He makes YOU sleep on the FLOOR!!!!! He essentially made YOU pay for the house.

I do not understand why you are staying with this horrible person that has no love or respect for you. You need to take a loss on your money, and get AWAY from this man as soon as possible, before you lose your health and sanity. Or, you WILL be the ONLY one caring for his mother.

You need to get counseling to find out why you allow yourself to remain in this abusive (gaslighting) situation.
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This is a mistake from the start. Nothing good can happen at the end of this. You need to marry the man and take on all the responsibilities of marriage, or find a man you can love and respect and marry. Your children cannot feel good about this entanglement. Take your money and find a place for you and your grown children and then, maybe, your life will begin to attract some responsible and good people who love and respect you.
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Flowerhouse1952 Feb 2022
She is not ready for any relationship if she has to ask if it's okay to be used in this horrible manner. Please don't encourage another relationship. She needs to find herself first.
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Run. Back out of buying this home. Run run run. You are buying a home with someone you're not married to who is not putting down anything on the purchase but, your "lazy and disrespectful" boyfriend will, he says, pay the mortgage afterward. Yet you know he doesn't have enough money to put towards his mom's care ... so you may be whistling Dixie to really think he's going to really pay the mortgage. And he has already, before you are married and with no conversation with you, said that another adult can live with you. NOPE. Let me count the red flags here. I don't care if it costs you $$ or you need to live in a hotel for a month while you find a new place to rent -- Get a place that you can afford ON YOUR OWN and have your name as the only one on the lease or mortgage. If you want him to live with you after that (and frankly, he sounds like A. LOT), then let him. Ask him to pay for half of the rent, but know that you're not RELYING on him to do so. Otherwise, you may end up hooked to some guy because you need him to make rent. Independence is everything.
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I couldn't even read any more passed the middle of your post.
As they use to say way back - Are you nucking futs?
Funny thing, I bet you'll go ahead.
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KaleyBug Feb 2022
Same I read have of it and thought huge mistake to buy the house.
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Get a new boy friend.
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Flowerhouse1952 Feb 2022
This woman needs to find herself first before finding another boyfriend. Otherwise she'll just find the same kind of guy and be in another rut.
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Dont do it!!! Put a atop to it. If you are putting the down-payment on the house, why does he get more say of what happens in the house????? Nooooo!!!
You need to stop this in its tracks. Back out. If he is working that many hours, and you are home, you WILL be stuck taking care of her. Is that the real reason for the house? Kinda sounds like it. The timing and all.? is sus.
Tare the 35 and buy your own house. Then visit him when you want.
He is getting a free live in maid. If he is working that many hours, you will be doing all the cooking, all the cleaning, all the 24/7 free labor to take care of her. Let that sink in. He will say, I can't, I'm at work.
You need to stop this now before you sign any paper work.
I wouldn't move in, until he finds a place for her. He can't take care of her if he is at work. That's a joke.
Tell him it is triggering you, and you can't do another 10years. Your health will suffer. You could have a stroke or heart attack being resentful and taking care of her, because he isn't even home!
That should be a deal breaker. He doesn't even care how you feel about it. He doesnt even care if you say no. He doesnt even care for your feelings. He knows how you feel, and is doing it anyway. That is not a boyfriend. That is a user. Let that sink in!!!
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If you haven't closed on the house yet, there is time to pull out of the deal. You might lose your earnest money, but that is nothing compared to what you are facing if you go through with the purchase. Protect yourself. Remember: the first loss is the best loss. Don't get in any deeper.
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I can't see just walking away and giving him the house. I would at least get my deposit back. Let him live there with his mother.
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ySell the house immediately or move your daughter in immediately. You said you solely made the down payment, so you pocket the cash.
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Well this is red flag city!! I'll start with the easiest anomaly first:

* have you two actually talked about the chores of caregiving and the items you have listed here?

* you took care of your Dad even though it made an impact on your health because you loved him to death and would do it again. It is possible that your boyfriend feels the same about his Mom, whether you see it in him or not?

*you say Mom has squandered money from her reverse mortgage so be aware that when she sells her house now most of the sales proceeds will go to the reverse mortgage lender. She isn't going to make very much, if anything from the sale.
* He's "lazy", doesn't have money for the down payment but will pay the mortgage payments once we're in the house. What has he been doing with his money? Where is he suddenly going to get the money to pay a mortgage?

* You have an extra bedroom for your 20 year old dgt " in case she needs to move in so you can help her get back on her feet". What's the relationship between your dgt and boyfriend and has he agreed to the possibility of her moving into the house (or are you the one making assumptions)?

Reading your post, it seems has if you two have just kind of fallen into being used to each other's presence but ......... is there real love and affection there?. This house purchase may benefit no one in the long run and may prove financially disasterous for both you and him. You may definitely want to put a hold on purchasing the house and maybe take sometime apart from each other to analyze your feelings towards your relationship. I would also consider reviewing what you expect a partner to bring to a relationship as well as what you should bring to it.

Once you purchase the house, it will be a financial morass should the relationship fall apart for any reason and based on your post, it could fall apart even as the ink dries on the mortgage documents.

Wishing you good luck and calm thinking on this journey.
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DON'T close on this house!! Run from this "boy"friend.

Even aside from the mother, do you really want to be with a guy like this? Seriously. Read your words again, and picture it being strangers you are reading about. Wouldn't you advise this woman to walk away, or in fact, run away from this situation?
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You need to put the brakes on this now and sit down and realize there are too many Red Flags!!! Stand up and follow your intuition before it’s too late.
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You need to rethink this purchase and your relationship for that matter. I think this may have been his plan all along. Don’t set yourself up. Now I will just mind rest of my business. Don’t do it!
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I get the idea that you BF is not hearing you. I get that because your posts are so long and you take the time to explain all the reasons that it is not good for you to have his mother move in with you. You haven't even closed on the house and it's already starting. He WILL move her in with you. You putting down the down payment and you being there - for him- this is the answer. This is his way of making his mom happy.
The reality is that without your money and time, he could not do this. This is not the life you want, so don't step right into it.
He's not listening to you.
You don't have to justify to anyone why you don't want this. Look how much stress you already have over it.
This is how he handles a complex situation. He doesn't concern himself with your feelings or desires. He is ignoring those things.
You are a not a bad person to not want to do this.
You went into the deal with the hopes and dreams of doing this together. He's already taking over.
The handwriting is on the wall. Back out now and feel bad. Back out later and feel worse.
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Theres no way this guy should get with some one who has a bad back, cant work and has kids that he has to provide a roof for that are not even his own. And then has to possibly take care of a 20 year old that should not be coming back to the nest. I hope this man runs for the hills.
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Red flags are everywhere in this relationship, and this is not a good way to start a new relationship. You mentioned that you are the one putting the down payment on the house you are buying. DO NOT put his name on the Deed of this property if you are not married to him. DO NOT comingle your money with him if you are not married. Whatever you own before you marry him is yours free and clear. If you put his name on any of your finances before you marry him it will then become community property and he will claim half of everything you own. Once you are married to him, you and he can then have new bank accounts, etc. which will then become community property.

Please take my advice and keep everything you own separately from this relationship before you marry him this way you are going to save yourself from further anguish down the line.
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For $35,000 you can Buy a tiny home . They have them in Austin , Texas and pay off the rest of the balance yourself . Check out Facebook and Google tiny Homes . What are you going to do when you buy the home and the mother arrives ? Sleep on the Floor ? If someone made me sleep on the floor that would be a deal breaker .
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You should give her the downstairs room and take the opportunity to get to know her and help her out, your daughter can rent a room somewhere as shes 20 years old already and capable of working. Its a 3 bedroom house and your boyfriend is paying the mortgage so you and your son have a roof, the mortgage payment will surpass your 35,000 in a few years time, you can get in home care and utilize adult day care, get paid as a caregiver and work on your back by not having to work full time. Be kind and gracious always do things with no regret and your boyfriend will be grateful.

Good Luck.
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Barbarasfriend Feb 2022
Sorry, you may mean well but this is terrible advice. Her boyfriend sounds like a loser and user. I would say get out asap.
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Oh my goodness, please stop your plans to enter into a legal contract with someone, who you describe as being disrespectful and lazy, and who doesn’t take into consideration your side of this situation. Take it as a sign of what lies ahead, and put your money down on a home of your own. Reread your post; your answer is there in black and white. Get out of this relationship before it is further complicated. Think about the example that entering into this venture would set for your children. Also think about what kind of life this would make for your children.

If you had a dear friend who wrote a post like yours, what would you tell that friend? Be a friend to yourself and be thankful this came to light before your closing date.
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Move out. Let him hire someone to help. Take it from there. You just got out of a bad divorce. How bad could the other guy have been if this is better? Sweetie, you need some me time to figure out why you would marry someone who dictates to you what's is and isn't going to happen. Even without the grandma moving in, it sounds like a big red flag.
Please help yourself or you may find yourself divorced again down the line. You need someone who will work side by side with you, not someone who can walk on you. Didn't mean to get so personal, but many of us older ladies have been there done that and wish we could redo some of our lifechanging mistakes. Another thing....without marriage, you have NOTHING financial to lean on if it all falls apart. He can walk away anytime, sell the house and gain. You stand to do nothing but lose in this situation. Make your child your priority. Good luck and please find a confidant to help you.
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You need to back out of purchasing the house with him. You are not married. You don't have to do this. If he moves her in, I promise you, you will be miserable and you will be the care taker of his mother.

If it were me, I would focus on getting a place that could accommodate me and my children. Sounds like he needs to get a place to accommodate him and his mother.

Tell him you're backing out of buying the home because this is not the direction you want to go.
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I feel like you are going to regret this decision. You have outlined a scenario that benefits your boyfriend and his Mother. It is not to late to back out of buying the house. He can go live with his Mom and you can find a place for you and your daughter even if it means renting.

if things are tough now wait a few years into this
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Your situation is nothing but red flags! If I have read your post correctly, you are soon to close on a home purchase, (using your money) to a man you have no legal connection, and he is already stipulating the house rules. That should wake you up. Even if he is not on the mortgage but makes the monthly payments, should the relationship fail you will need a lawyer to get him out. Add his elderly mother and YOU (and your son) will be the ones leaving.
Please reconsider the situation, the relationship, and realize you are not his priority. You will be a caretaker until you've had enough and leave, without $35,000 to provide for you and your son's welfare. Your son should be your priority, not a boyfriend looking to gain a babysitter for his mother and a roof over his head. If you must go ahead with the home purchase, put the brake on his moving in. Let him rent an apartment and assume the responsibility for his mother. That will be the only way he will learn the immense requirements, physically and financially. You need to gain clarity on this situation, which is doomed to fail. Stop defending yourself and raise your standards! You and your son deserve better.
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Wow!! Don't buy the house with him. This is a win win situation for him, NOT for you.
Can he move in with her? And pay her mortgage? Just a thought.
Hold on to your money for you and your son.
Best wishes
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Reschedule that closing. A red flag the size of the those giant flags over a car dealership just ran up the pole. But, you've had other red flags and STILL? Tornado "is a comin", its in your yard, there's a shelter but you figure you'll watch and hope for the best. You said he's lazy, you're using 35k of your money for the house down payment, he is putting down NOTHING!! Let me tell you, making the mortgage payments is a promise of future performance...it's rent to him...and you already said he's LAZY! Now he knows you are not keen on this idea of MIL moving in. Let me tell you something, and you read very, very carefully and reread, this isn't a disagreement, it's a plan...HIS plan and he's getting a house with no down payment for him and his mother for a future event....YOU GIVING UP AND MOVING OUT. Delay that closing if you have to come up with another excuse to give you time to think clearly. Your money got tied up, you found out the house is haunted......think about just cancelling. That's my outside looking in opinion. This is a troubling situation and I had a bad, BAD feeling about this. If there are any other men on this site, I can say for all of the HONEST one's we'd never do this to a future bride. You're out the the money, he's basically paying rent but will own HALF the property. What a deal.....for him and his mother. It reads like something setting up for a Discovery ID episode !!
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Rick10 Feb 2022
If you are "heck bent" on doing this, you can find out very quickly what his intent long term is. Tell him you will close on the house but only in your name. If he survives you after marriage, will it to him. If you survive him, it was yours anyway. BUT and HERE IS A BIG BUT.....close in your name BEFORE you marry. If he hangs around and makes the payments, he's getting it if you go first. He's gotta pay rent somewhere right? No free rides. If he goes first, well, you know, he can't take his rent money with him. If he objects to this, he's planning a scam and it's up to you to decide on marring a lazy, scheming, his-way-or-the-highway, no count, broke, immature looking for a candy momma, momma's boy. "Don't make me come down there!!!"
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I don't think you should buy a house with this boyfriend. It is barely a relationship with his work hours, let alone using you to help his mother. I'm sorry to see this potential disaster, and I would move away from this man. You deserve better, both mentally and to save your injured back.
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Can you back out of purchasing that house? When his name is on that house he has every right to move whoever he wants in. He can actually move you out by saying you are causing problems and you would be asked to leave. DON'T MOVE INTO THAT HOUSE WITH HIM CANCEL THE HOUSE. Take your money and put it away for you not us. You are getting yourself into a hole where you won't be able to come out of if you do this. Are you prepared to lose your $35K when he can't pay for the mortgage? Is he worth it?

Prayers that you don't get involved with him in this house because its not worth it. If he hasn't put anything to the down payment you are going to lose in the long run because in the end he may have paid more than your down payment and if that happens it sounds like he will use it against you.

MY ADVICE IS DON'T MOVE IN CANCEL BUYING THE HOUSE.
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