Follow
Share
Read More
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
1 2 3 4 5
My response is probably late.
My response will be unapologetically callous but frank! RUN! I would NOT close on that house if he’s going to start off by making this major decision without your input. That is a red flag that for the rest of your relationship … if it leads to marriage … your input will be never be required when he is making major decisions that impact you. I wouldn’t care if anyone thought I was selfish in those circumstances, he’s being selfish. Too often women are expected to be “nice girls” and accept crap to keep others happy. Put yourself first! When you tell him you won’t be able to assist in her care you will see the real man. He’s making this decision because “he HAS YOU!” RUN!
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Glad you worked it out. Good for you.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

NotaslavetoMIL: It is IMPERATIVE that you refuse to take care of a woman, who is not even your MIL.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Thiking only about you and yours. What about him and his? If you love him reconsider. Your actions will only cause resentment and in time you and your bad back will be struggling to pay for that new home!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
MargaretMcKen Feb 2022
OP has now solved her issues, as I posted below.
(3)
Report
Maybe we need to look at this from a different perspective. Boyfriend is woking 11 hours a day. OP is only working part time and has one teenager and a daughter of unknown age with a history of instability and issues.

Boyfriend did not want to buy a house but OP pressured boyfriend into buying.

OP states that she doesn't expect to be physically able to work much longer due to her own health issues and physical disabilities so that means boyfriend will be the only one earning an income.

OPs only complaint is she doesnt want his mother moving in because she is soon to be permanently disabled. What will happen to OP when she can't physically do anything for herself? Will she expect the boyfriend or her children to take care of her? Or will she go into a nursing home as she expects boyfriends mother to do? I wonder what choices and decisions she will make and will she put her loved ones in the position to lift and take care of her and possibly injure themselves as she did taking care of her father?

I think OP is using boyfriend. She brings nothing to the table in the relationship other than her 35,000. But that comes with a lot of strings attached.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
MargaretMcKen Feb 2022
OP has stopped complaining because she has solved her issues, as I posted below.
(3)
Report
This would be a deal-breaker for me for sure. It's good that you wrote. You went through this with your dad so this isn't your first rodeo. If I were hoping to use my wife's money for a down payment I would be kissing her a** rather than being a dictator and giving her no choice. Run don't walk!
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
Maryjann Feb 2022
I agree. It sounds as if OP is doing all the heavy lifting, so to speak, mainly on her own.
(1)
Report
In the last few days, OP has posted that she and BF have talked through MIL’s care, agreed that she is not moving in, BF has apologised, and is now taking a different approach to MIL’s financial issues. OP and BF have been to an estate lawyer, talked through the financial risks and issues for each of them, and their legal and contribution arrangements have also changed. It seems as though the first site posters really helped, and changed things for OP. OP was clearly furious when she first posted, and was also reliving problems from her first marriage.

OP then said “to anyone else who is keeping up with this thread, I appreciate those who are trying to help and have constructive info and questions for me that are meant to then give informed advice having all the variables that are part of the situation known. I’m sorry if so many people felt the need to comment on my posts and ask questions and it made this so long. But for those who are sick of reading this thread, just quit, you’re not being forced to comment or read and if you’re just complaining about something for no reason other than your own amusement as you said, just quit, I won’t be offended”. Seems fair enough!
Helpful Answer (11)
Report
lealonnie1 Feb 2022
Very true Margaret. But it seems to me that very very few people read ANY of the comments; they just skim the original question while thinking about the content of their response, which means their response is not even relevant to the question at least 50% of the time! Ever notice that?

Any time I see a post with 160+ comments, I figure the OP has gotten her answer about 100 comments ago! LOL

I'm glad the OP seems to have straightened out the earlier issues with her b/f and I wish them all well.
(5)
Report
See 2 more replies
Lazy and disrespectful are not attributes I would learn to live with, ever. Not for any reason. When you do not want to do something that is life-altering, you get to choose to say no and walk away. It is your life.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
AlvaDeer Feb 2022
Nothing in the OPs descriptions match anything else. The "boyfriend" works a whole lot to hear answers from OP on this thread, which is one of the reasons that the OP believes he will not help with the mother, will not care for the mother. The OP is apparently putting her savings on the down payment to a home she will not be on the deed of while the "boyfriend" plans to work and pay mortgage payment until the sum of the 35,000 she has invested is met. This is an example of poor decision making all over the place. The difference is that the OP already knows on some level this isn't good, witness the answers she gives; we often see poor decision making RESULTS on Forum when OPs don't understand going in why and how this won't work. So at least we can know the OP, if she closes the deal this way, knows exactly what may happen.
(1)
Report
See 3 more replies
It may have been worth 35000 to find this out before you married him. Escape! Try and get your money back, but don't let it be the deciding factor.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I need to ask why you are in this relationship if he is lazy and disrespectful? It doesn't get better.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Don't marry/live with a partner who does not prioritize the relationship with YOU; don't mingle finances until it's clear all major decisions must be mutual, not unilateral. Sounds like your down payment is making it easy for boyfriend to get his mom a safer place to live with a built-in female caregiver. Sorry, but unilateral decisions don't make for a healthy partnership.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

OMG I suffer from motion sickness and "scrolling" thru just to see OPs replies made me nauseous.😊

I will put it this way, he is a man. All he saw was his Mom is 84 and lives 15 hrs away and she needs care. Since you are putting a lot into the house money wise, he "should" have consulted with you before making the offer to Mom. Now "he" needs to retract the invite and you may be the scapegoat. He needs to tell Mom he talked it over with you and came to the decision that he is asking too much of you. That you can not help her with anything physically. You also have a 15 yr old that you still need to be there for. Also a 20 yr old that may need to move back in, the reason for the extra room that "you" are paying for. That he needs to work f/t so cannot be there 5 days out of a week. That the solution seems to be Mom selling her house and moving closer to you into an AL. There she will have space of her own, socialization, transportation and activities. Or an AL where she is now because she still has friends there.

I love where he thought you would care for her basically because you love him and you have done it before. My response would have been "yes I have done it before and that's why I won't do it again"

Seems like you are pretty independent and do not share bank accts. I am surprised you are going in on a house together. I would keep very good records on the money you put out. I would always give him mortgage payments by check or thru a banking app where you have proof of transfer. Make sure there is some kind of paper trail.

You are not wrong in your feelings. She is not you mother and you probably do not know her that well. The last thing I wanted was my MIL living with us. She was going to be given a choice between her 3 sons she would live with or near after a hospital and Rehab stay. Well, she didn't get along with the one DIL so that would not even been considered. BIL and wife had the perfect house. A cape cod. Nice bedroom and bath on the ground floor. They had 3 bedrooms and office upstairs. My DH said "why should brother give up his bedroom". Why should I give up my Den I live in practically? In my house she would have had a bedroom, use of a bath and my Den as her sitting room. The brother never had children. His In-laws passed by the time they were 65. FIL took care of his wife when she was dying and he died with a heart attack so no Caregiving either. My MIL passed at 92 before we had to make decisions.

Please update us on how things turn out. We really learn things from each other.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Wow! Read everything you wrote again. Keep your money and walk away!
“people treat you the way you allow them to treat you.”
Prayers for you….🙏🏽🙏🏽
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

You just laid out all the reasons for not marrying your BF and not taking on the care giving for his mom. Your gut has the answers. I considered moving my mom in for a while but my husband said no way and I know he's right. It is exhausting and financially difficult already. Your BF wants to shift the burden without your consent. You still have time to save yourself.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Girl, get as far away from these two walking disasters as fast as you can.

If he is lazy guess who is going to be stuck with the payments? If he is disrespectful now, just wait until you mose in together.

If he brings in his mom the two of them will gang up on you.

Get out now and have no contact or expect a living Hell.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
Triedsohard Feb 2022
LAZY!!!! He works 10 to 11 hours and she works part time! Who is the lazy one?
(2)
Report
See 1 more reply
Don’t buy a house with this man. There are better men out there.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

Don’t buy the house. You are making a huge mistake. If he is not contributing to the down payment why do you think he will make the payments.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report
Chris52 Feb 2022
Her partner is now contributing to the downpayment, same amount as she.
(1)
Report
Opportunists always seek out the easiest people to force their will on. If mom moves in, you move out; draw the line or YOU will be the boyfriend's victim.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Make some calls to find out if she qualifies for Medicaid and then call all the nearby assisted living facilities to see who might accept her. Ask for a social worker.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
Geaton777 Feb 2022
Just to clarify no one "just calls" someone to "find out" if they qualify for Medicaid. Consulting with an actual Medicaid Planner would be most useful and accurate, otherwise one has to fill out the application, requiring access to and knowledge of their private financial info. If it is known for a fact that one literally has no assets, then it can be pretty certain they should qualify. Eg: my MIL had a home in foreclosure, an old vehicle, no investments, no other property, no savings, only her SS income. In my state the financial look-back period for Medicaid is 5 years. Social workers are not the ones to determine probable eligibility. In many states Medicaid does not cover AL or MC, only LTC. There may be an Elder Waiver program to cover some of the costs for those levels of care.
(2)
Report
See 3 more replies
I usually tend to disagree with most people here as I've found that the majority try to push people toward not having loved ones in their home. However, in this case, I have to agree with what others have said. I'm not sure if you'd agree to having his mom live with you if he was contributing more, but you did say you cared for your own dad and wouldn't change it. He probably feels the same, but he's not contributing enough already and likely wouldn't in the case of his mom. My fiance's brother is disabled and will live with us. I respect whaever each family wishes when it comes to these things. Some families want to avoid care facilities, which is their choice. If you choose to continue with your current plans with the house, expect that his mom will be living with you. He seems stubborn enough to not respect your wishes. If that happens, see if she is eligible for Medicaid. If she has Social Security, she may have a case worker who could help you with coordinating care. With Medicaid, you can apply for waivers that can help with her care. What happens is your choice. Only you know what's best and liveable for you and your family.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

THIS IS WHAT I CALL A DEAL BREAKER IN A RELATIONSHIP!!!
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

WHATEVER YOU DO - DO NOT SIGN ANY AGREEMENTS FOR ANYTHING WITH THIS MAN - GOD HELP YOU IF YOU DO. IMMEDIATELY SEEK AN ATTORNEY FOR HELP. This man is the worst example of a "man" I can imagine and what he is asking you to do is pure insanity and you are insane if you go along with it. DO NOT ALLOW THE MOTHER IN LAW TO BE PART OF YOUR FAMILY - YOU WILL BE A FOREVER SLAVE AND SHE WILL BE THE QUEEN. No man is worth this. He doesn't love you, you are his property and his slave and he will control everything you do or have or say and you will have NOTHING BUT HEARTACHE AND MISERY. Get up and run away as fast as you can but do NOT GET INVOLVED.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

There is no way that someone who has never been a 24/7 caregiver can comprehend the weight of that responsibility... they can only imagine it! Even with being a care partner then becoming an actual 24/7 caregiver for my husband over the last 30+ years with Parkinson's and other issues... I have still been taken by surprise at times at the levels of special care he needed next as his condition has progressed. It is a very hard job even when you love someone dearly, I can only imagine how much harder it would be as a 24/7 caregiver for someone where you have a weak relationship. You have been there so you understand the potential stresses but he will never totally understand until he experiences it. You have to go with your gut whether you are willing to go through this again because telling him all the reasons are beyond his comprehension... this is not a put down on him... it is a fact that no one can TRULY understand who hasn't been there.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Is this a joke? How could anyone actually be in a situation like this for real?
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
JColl7 Feb 2022
It does sound unbelievable that someone would get themselves in such a situation.
(0)
Report
Please allow me to offer a very plausible scenario that is going to happen. You're all moved in with the lazy boyfriend. His mother is now living with you as well. The boyfriend has decided that he cannot/will not hold up his "promise" to make the mortgage payments so they now fall back on you. The mortgage company will not care about who promised what - if your name is on the Note, then you are responsible. So now you're on the hook for the mortgage payments in addition to putting $35k down. If you end up not being able to make the mortgage payment, the house goes into foreclosure and you lose your 35k plus anything else you've put into the property. The boyfriend walks away with no problem because he has nothing invested. Please heed the advice of so many others and and run from this arrangement.
Helpful Answer (12)
Report

Even beyond your relationship issues, you may have a huge financial issue! From what I understand I think a reverse mortgage has to be paid back when the owner no longer lives there. If it is sold, all the money received from the reverse mortgage has to be paid back probably at closing which will reduce anything she walks away with, so unless it is a huge expensive house she could have no where near the $100,000 you are suggesting be used for her care elsewhere. That $100,000 is definitely counting your chickens before they hatch. I know it happens everyday, but I would never suggest investing in a house with anyone but a spouse because I would think that would bring the most security for your investment if the relationship ends. If you decide to move forward I would suggest investing in an attorney that can advise how to move forward financially and prepare contracts accordingly. I feel your $35,000 might be better spent on rent for a place by yourself.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

As almost all the posters said, it isn't MIL problem but your relationship with boyfriend. Why are some women like that? ...do everything for the guy and rational thought just disappear? What is it about a man that will make a women just abject themselves and forget about everything else?

Go for counselling and break that deal on closing for a house cause you are not ready for anything just yet.

(Ok...I just read your response and I think you most likely closed on the house. Power struggle going on here and you need to be right. Hopefully things will work out because it doesn't look like any of the comments here made any impression with you.)
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
PeggySue2020 Feb 2022
I read it quite differently. By putting down a year or two equivalent in rent, he then pays the mortgage for an indefinite period. She's not even working so how she could contribute if he does pay off her half is, well dubious.

But it's guaranteed housing for her, her 15 yo who may stay for however long probably living at home if going to some state school, and her 20-yo daughter who's supposedly on her own but not so much that mom isn't worrying about keeping a spare and empty bed for her.

It's all about how OP won't do any labor for the MIL...so why not just make that clear to BF instead of wigging out that daughter now won't have their spare bed if she needs?
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
You are not married to your boyfriend. It sounds like you are being used to fund a housing situation you might both like to have, but that may also be used to accommodate his mother. You do not need the elaborate excuses for why you do not or cannot be care taker for his morher. You may not want to share your housing space.even with an able-bodied MIL. Make an honest assessment of this relationship and consider if you think you should be in it at all.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

I have a question for you, Nota....
Why are you "shacked up"? Break the house contract and get away from this stupid situation....you brought all this cr*p on yourself. Get out before it's too late.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report

Seems like you wrote about this in the last 2 weeks.
If BF is not considering or respecting you now, don't sign for the house. Start packing! He WILL take advantage of you and will expect you to do his responsibilities in caregiver. If he will make such demands by disrespecting and not considering your feelings, it's a big red flag to your relationship. Roll on down the road. You deserve better. By not leaving, you've only got yourself to blame.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

1 2 3 4 5
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter