Mom is 88 years old and a long time alcoholic. She is almost blind and uses a walker because she broke her hip twice and still lives alone in a regular apartment. She complains about how tired she is but still walks a mile (each way) to buy liquor even in winter when the roads and sidewalks are covered by snow. Sometimes she falls in the street.
She won't ask anyone to pick it up for her, because she knows that we think she is an alcoholic. I have refused to buy it for her before, but now I don't know if I should start.
She is risking her life by walking to the liquor store and has ended up in the hospital because she falls in the street. She won't use a car service or ask anyone to drive her. She will let us order regular groceries through a delivery service. But not liquor and cigarettes. Should I start buying it for her? Her doctor says she is competent and has the right to make her own decisions.
I agree with those who say provide the alcohol. Complete withdrawal from alcohol, for someone truly addicted, may pose immediate dangers from a medical standpoint. If she is truly an alcoholic, it's possible she could not survive it at her age. As difficult as it is for you, give her what she wants and take comfort in the fact that you are, above all, providing for her safety.
never buy anyone booze or cigarettes. One person said at least she is walking which is good for her and it is giving her socialization. I am inclined to say let her keep walking to the liquor store. Just know there isn’t a true right or wrong solution and it isn’t your fault if she falls or is hit by a car. I’m sorry you are going through this.
I am so sorry about what happened to your dad or brother. I wish Alcohol was illegal.
"It isn't your fault if she falls or is hit by a car."
I feel the same way. Her mother is 88 years old and competent. She has to make her own decisions in life. Whatever, decision her mom decides to make, good or bad, it is her choice. Her consequences.
Such a bad situation to be in.
Otherwise, I'd sure try that! Wish we could have, for my mom.
My dad suffered from diabetes. But his diet was terrible. Breakfast was a large glass of orange juice. For years he told me that. When I moved him from his apartment to senior living I found many bottles of honey. When I asked why he had so much honey he told me he liked to eat it by the spoonful.
I eventually learned that fruit juice has same amount of sugar as soda and sugar kills a diabetic (slowly and painfully). He was killing himself. And it seemed so simple to change that. Improve the diet to live longer and healthier.
We talked about it but he expressed no interest to change. I brought it up with his doctors, both general and diabetes specialist. He had been lying to them about his diet. They thought he ate well but still had high sugar. But it didn't matter much to them. They don't make people eat better. They just tell you how eating can help. Desire to follow their instructions comes from the patient.
So dad didn't seem to be interested in eating better.
But one day I noticed him at breakfast eating an egg. He was having one every morning. He still had orange juice and now a hot chocolate! But the addition of the egg made a big difference. His blood sugar lowered enough that he no longer needed daily meds. It was still high but not like before.
If he wanted he could have improved the diet more and gotten his blood sugar into the normal range. But he wanted that juice and hot chocolate.
I did the best I could do. And then let it go.
Your situation is not the same. But maybe similar.
On the bright side your mother is exercising, going for a walk. If you buy the booze she might stop walking.
How about walking with her to the store? You're not encouraging the drinking but are caring for her safety during the walk.
Get a second opinion with a doctor.
You can get her all the help you think will help. But if she is not willing it won't work.
If she is incompetent and is in risk of hurting herself or someone else then step in.
In some places, mental health therapists will see patients with addiction. They can identify why your mother could be self-medicating.
However, you also need support. There are Twelve Step programs like Al-Anon to help families cope with the alcoholic. These organizations can help you decide what to do about your mom. There are online meetings now that Covid-19 is spreading. I'd encourage you to try a few meetings. They can offer support no matter which way your mother's addiction goes.
Everyone agrees that alcohol is bad. Same for the cigarettes. Some suggestions are useful IF the mother lived with OP, such as watering down the booze, limiting access to the booze or butts. But she lives in her OWN place.
There is no way to prevent her from getting what she wants or limit it. NONE. While we don't want to be complicit in providing the items, leaving her to her own devices to get these items is extremely dangerous. Even those with dementia CANNOT be forced to do what they don't want to do. This isn't just me saying this - when we needed to move our mother to MC, she was refusing to consider ANY kind of move. The EC Atty told me we COULD NOT FORCE HER TO MOVE (and we DID try bringing in help, but she refused that too.). Staff at MC also told me THEY can't force the residents to do anything they are refusing to do, bathing, taking medicine, etc. They have to coax them into agreement.
But again, this woman has been deemed competent. There's no dementia involved, so she is "free" to do as she chooses. You can't stop her from her self-destructive behavior, but you CAN, regardless of your own feelings and misgivings, at the very least protect her from dangers presented by her treks to get what she wants.
She's considered competent, so she can live alone anyway she wants.
She's not likely to agree to rehab and you can't force her.
She isn't likely to listen to anyone or stop either of these "activities".
So, the choices of evil are:
1) allow her to continue doing it her way
2) find a way to take her to get what she's going to get anyway
Choice #1 - will she kill herself imbibing in her evils or get killed trying to get them? One way or the other, she will end up dying from something.
Choice #2 - eventually these will take their toll, perhaps land her in hospital and/or NH, but she won't be splattered all over the road.
Sorry to be so graphic, but given these are really the ONLY 2 choices, I would find a way to transport her to get what she's going to get anyway, come hell or high water. Much as I wouldn't want her to suffer the consequences of drinking or smoking, she IS going to continue getting these items. The thought of her falling in the road and getting hit or freezing to death in winter are not very palatable. I would prefer to find a SAFE way for her to get what she's going to get, whether I like it or not.
OP, do come back and let us know how things are going.
Your mother will not know that you made the call, they never divulge who made it.
Having done Home Health nursing and I've sadly made way too many of these calls. Without intervention for your mom, it isn't IF but WHEN a disaster will occur.
I speak from experience as a former alcoholic: If i wanted or "needed" a drink, I would get it. Nothing could or would stop me.
If you don't want to buy it for her don't.
It' a catch 22 situation, If you buy alcohol for her you will feel terrible if you find her dead from an alcohol related death. If you don't buy it and she dies from going to the store to get the alcohol you will feel guilty because you did not buy it for her.
If you water it down she will just drink more and when she runs out will walk to the store anyway.
It's your decision.
If your mother gave you HIPPA authority, speak with her physician and explain the entire scenario. I suspect you will be told to provide what she wants. Your mother has made it clear that she intends to continue her lifestyle, and that she is concerned how it appears to others confirms her mental clarity. Realistically, your mother is coping with likely having outlived her peers, physical decline and depression. I don't think that telling her to stop drinking at nearly 90 serves any purpose. I have seen firsthand what an older woman can go through in forced alcohol withdrawal, it is horrible, if not outright cruel. Why should she not be allowed to live out the limited remainder of her life as she chooses, with respect and without judgment? Have a meal with her to make sure she is consuming a nutritious, adequate diet, along with hydration lost from alcohol, like Gatorade in a flavor she likes. An accompanied walk on a pretty day is therapeutic, to a liquor store alone puts her in certain danger of falls or assault. Yes, she may be an alcoholic, may fall at home, but you don't want her dying from drinking rubbing alcohol. Nothing sets off a competent senior faster than being treated as incompetent.
Frankly, I'd be more concerned about her vision loss, house fire, etc.
Social Services will have a record of you trying to do the correct thing in a tough situation, plus they can officially guide you. AA or Al Anon can help you in a personal, "been there, done that" type of help.
Preventing an alcoholic from getting their booze can cause terrible things. That's why in this pandemic liquor store are declared essential.
I would definitely call AA and go to some Alanon meetings yourself to be prepared for how to cope with what is clearly "the writing on the wall".
being an alcoholic is partly due to habit, partly due to the chemical addiction. Watering down can reduce the chemical side, while maintaining the habit.
once the chemical addiction is reduced, you *might* be able to work on the habitual side. No guarantees.
Also, the doctors opinion about competency might be wrong, especially if he or she hasn’t spent much time with the patient. Many people w dementia have spells of better or worse functioning.
This is so sad. I am sorry.
I want to add that this was sometime ago and things may have changed since then as far as how Social Services views this situation.
Yes, she's an alcoholic. At this point, she needs the alcohol to live.
It is better to buy it and have her safe than to not buy it and have her falling - you never know if a car will hit her!
Why don't you call her Insurance Co and see if she can go to rehab and get dried out.
And her falling has almost come to an end.
Then, there was the cigarettes. I was leaving a carton at a time. I wasn't worried about her health as much as her safety from causing a fire and anyone who lives near her. So I started only giving her a pack and only when she asked for it. She eventually forgot that also although she periodically thinks she wants one, but it does fade when she doesn't get it.
Good luck. There is no good answer.
IF the LO lives with you, this is a good way to deal with it. My grandmother, once she was living with us and my aunts (taking turns every so many months caring for her), she had no way to get out to get any - we were nowhere near any stores and no real taxi service (she had resorted to paying a taxi to pick some up for her when she was still on her own.) Once in a while, they might give her a glass of wine. Otherwise, nothing. She would drink the whole bottle if you gave it to her!
this went on until I married and moved away and couldn’t run to his house. The last time he had a binge a neighbor found him on the floor of the bathroom was there probably 3 days he couldn’t get up,
landed in the hospital found out he was also diabetic. It took that to make him stop permanently.
your Mother must have a episode that scares the sh*t out of her. And you getting the booze for her is not helping.
Remove yourself from the problem! If she wants take booze she can get it herself! Till something scares the sh*t out if her.