I am english but spelt mom usa style for you. Xx
Mom is still trying to, i feel manipulate to bring dog over. Guilt trip me. I visit each week & call 2-3 times. Brother lives 100miles away and moving further absorbed in own health and upcoming move. Tried to talk earlier on rare call says he is there for me then cut call short to have a bloody shower. Obviously didnt want to hear anything.
Mom lives at her home v independent, still driving, which i know is amazing and tell her so. She will be v switched on, then repeat over and over, aware of memory change then complain of health stuff how much she has to do . Like a lite going on and off. Wont let me in, to be closer and help with anything at all / eternal sorting out & wanting to remain independant.
I get all this and read up a lot . She got a puppy age 82 when 1st great. Grandchild was born, guess so she had a ' baby' . I was v honest that is was a bad idea , get a rescue dog more chilled and if she was in hospital God forbid sometime, i would not want to worry about a dog i would want to be by her.
I know there will b backlash on this comment. I am not a dog fan been bitten as a child and my daughter at 3 yrs old had asthma attack and cat allergy. Mum got a cat 2 months after... I should hv been more definate then and guess i resent all that now i have a grandson too...but have been subtly manipulated most of my life by her. Very complex layered situ .
I get all this dog companion etc. But... I ask for 1 thing and am not considered at all. No dog in my house due to grandson. Dont like dog near babies neither does his mum.
Making me bit sad that she is pushing me further away over this, obvious power struggle, nature i guess... and any attempt at an honest chat is futile . She turns those chats around every time. Always. Feels like she doesnt want me around. No warmth now. She has been like this with my brother forever so i make allowances for his distance.
My friends and daughters are supportive but guess i am looking for a magic wand. Have a dementia helpline here but always on hold. They helped in the past.
Brothers helpful words are it wont go on forever... I feel she will outlive me. Have mentioned to my doc. All u can do is say stuff...so many have elders stories and issues.
I had so much sad stuff in my life. 2 sucicides in my family by time i was 19, one being my dear dad. ( Mum had affairs , ' friends' at a hard time as she has told me)
My dear Husband aged 44 instant death leaving our daughters aged 14 & 16.
I rebuilt my life, alone , happy with that. Moms 2 nd marriage was hellish and i took brunt of that too. Sick of it all now. But getting on with it. Try and talk to mum about trying to love her better. Pointless she turns it round. Is never wrong , her words, and never ever ever says sorry. My blood pressure goes up just thinkin about this i cant seem to find a way to draw a line under it. When i do mom seems to start it up. I hope she talks honestly to someone about my failings. But she keeps friends at a distance always has. Hence a dog is the 1.
She is also harsh with the dog , pulling lead, i find v v v upsetting as i feel so sorry for her. I take her for walks at mums and try being kind. When i walk in mums she shouts at me to ignore her ignore her. I am training her. She is 5 yrs old...
I do ignore her as well, she jumps up. Going to start ignoring mum and pet dog on arrival as she will calm down.
Had brilliant supportive understanding priest but he died too.. hail marys help no end
I live in uk family from london so mum very much old school respect parents regardless . Fair enough but i think everyone earns respect. Its not a rite of passage. I say sorry when i am wrong, readily admit i am not perfect , despite daughters and friends telling me i am lovely. Lucky ehh.
if mum was balanced my life is fine. But she is a wind up to be honest. Family agree. We love her and she has great traits
Thanks for reading. X
When a parent gets where they cannot care for themselves and needs others to do for them, they really can't make the rules. It becomes what they need not what they want.
Yes i will call her doc soon, to report bits, feel bad doing this but they say is good to get my perspective. I never hear anymore just leave a message. I just find thinking about it draining so put it off.. but will make the call.
Mum wont even have me at an appt, let alone anything else... last time 2,3 years ago she told me not to say anything she would handle it... I drive her to occassional hospital appt , but mainly she wants to go herself. She doesn't want me to know too much plus does not want to stop driving...worryingly. . Eye clinic doing reg 6 mth checks but i am concerned hence will make docs call. Altho she is a good driver. I think its mad to drive elderly. Very poor checks here in uk. Elderly have the money to gave fancy cars... It will be pandemonium potentially when driving stops.....
I love buses and trains and got rid of my car last year cannot afford. Made offer to use mums car for lifts for her when needed, but doubt she will hand it over even to help her...belongings are key to her... I live 30 mins away.
Re therapist i cannot afford. I get by.
Thanks again & good luck
Set boundaries with your mother. I would seek help from a social worker who can help you deal with your mother , including an assessment to have your mother placed in a facility if she can not live alone . You should never live with her . Has your mother been seen by her doctor for a check up and cognitive testing ? Wouldn’t be a bad idea for you to see a therapist also .