My 78 yr old mom has Alzheimer's. She is very difficult to deal with. Refuses to wear her depends and wets the bed and takes the bath pads off now. What to do?

Time for a new plan..?

If Mother's care needs are too high for living in your home, then they are too high. Speak to her Doctor or obtain a referral for a Social Worker service to find out what options are available.

Either for more help at home, or what type of care home is suitable/available/affordable.

You are correct putting it the way you did--"before she kills me", because in all honesty this caregiving may do just that. What then for your Mom? She will not even have your visits to comfort her.

As to Sister no more need be said. She has made her own choices; she doesn't wish to do caregiving. I would not, either.

You mention your mother has just under 3,000 per month. That would go to the care facility in its entirety. Then there would be funds likely from Medicaid to bring up to the amount needed/required for her care.

The way to see how to do this is to arrange an hour of time with an elder law attorney. IF you are POA and you should be, the visit to an expert is paid for by your mother. I also hope you got a care contract in place when she was still competent to help make one, so that you have shared living expenses.

It is clearly time to figure out just how to arrange placement. You will need help figuring it out, but I do believe you know it is time. I wish you the best of luck.

"So she been placed in palliative care from the Hospice".

Speak to Hospice Case Manager about options.

Your Mother needs care. Fact.
But there is no law stating you have to provide this care with your own hands, in your own home (or hers), for as long as she needs, despite the burdon load to you.
You are not enslaved.

Keep up the search for alternatives.

The fastest way is to call 911 and tell them she’s in an altered state, slurring her words and you notice there’s droopy ness on one side of her face. They’ll transport her faster than u could say the word “stroke.”

Likely she needs to be in a nursing home.
You cannot manage her care any longer at home.
I do not understand what you are saying / writing about your son / living in your home / house.

Yes, she will continue to do as she does. This is a given due to the disease.
And, her level of need(s) will increase.
You need to place her somewhere.
You cannot handle her level of need.

Of course your tolerance is wearing thin. You do not have any tolerance left.
You must get her out of the home / your house (?) asap. If she is sent to a hospital for a need, she shouldn't be able to return to your home.

Call all government agencies you can - Medi-Caid, Medi-Care, Medi-Cal ... local Board and care. If you do not make arrangements 'soon' - you will not be able to manage / care for her yourself. This is an unworkable situation for all concerned.

I do question, however, what your son is doing. Perhaps he needs to leave the (your?) house. He doesn't appear to be helping at all in this situation. Why is he allowed to live in your home? He's 24. Find a local board & care and have your son pay for some of it. Do not allow him to (continue to) be a free loader. Clearly, he doesn't 'care' what this 'work' and responsibility is doing to you. He needs to 'step up' or 'step out.'

Gena / Touch Matters

I get that things creep up, get harder & harder. Then one day you just snap & say I need to change this today. But this has been creeping up for 6 years.

So keep up the research until the new pathway is found.

Call your council, Area of Aging, the Doctor, a helpline, lifeline even. Find out how to obtain an Aged Care Needs Assessment.

Find out what the real options are. For in-home care, for assisted living or long term care. Call your local Care Homes & ask the types of care they offer & the costs.

Contact social services for your county and ask for an in-home assessment. She may qualify for some services. Then you can have a conversation with a social worker about any possible options.

The laundry thing...ugh. If she still has any cloth undies, get rid of them and replace with only disposable pull-ups. Get a waterproof matress cover, have her sleep on a chuck. If she takes off her disposable undies she may need to wear an anti-strip jumpsuit.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. Are you her PoA?

Let me tell you, if you can see the pee when you walk in the door, it’s 1000 times worse smell for someone who doesn’t live there.

Its time for her to be in a home and you need to figure out who to call to get her there.

Just from reading this, I began to cringe. It is time for hospice care in a facility. You are at the end of your caring cycle. You love your mom and she loves you, but it comes a time when you will have to let go. Hope is a human condition when there is nothing else to fall back on. I hope that one day this situation will improve, and so on. It lifts our spirits for awhile until something else comes along and knocks us back into reality that this situation isn't going to change or it is actually worse.

When it happens and we end up in this state, it is time to make a decision to save ourselves at this point.

I feel like a hypocrite because I can relate to so much of what you are saying but refuse to let my mother go at this time. Right down to the stage 4 kidney and siblings. I don't feel like I have a life yet I know I am more fortunate than many.
1) I bought depends and put a pad in the depends so if she urinates it won't come through. It took a while to search for a pad comfortable for her. I have even put pads in her panties so when she puts them on there is reinforcement. Definitely depends with a big pad at night.
2) she also has a pee pot in her room which is just a dollar tree bowl with a lid she can use if she can't make it to the bathroom.
3) She has been doing sponge baths for years. I put water in a basin with soap and bring it to her.
4) I use a large chuck on her bed. Tape it to the sheet. So I can just toss it if it gets wet.
5) Just purchased mattress cover. I plan on putting on two sheets with a mattress cover on the mattress and a mattress cover between the two sheets. Still using a chuck taped on at night. I can wipe off the waterproof mattress cover and not have to worry about changing sheets so often.
6)I use a good spray called odoban when emptying her pee pot and I can spray the room and mattress.
7) soiled clothes not immediately washed go in laundry bags .
8)I live in Oregon and my friends mom owns a house but lives with her daughter, she has dementia. My friend has her on hospice care and there is no financial restrictions. She does not need to be near death. They come in and take care of her but if she needs to go to the doc or hospital she has to deny hospice care then get back on it after her appointment.
Another good friend has dementia. Her daughter is using a trust to deal with her assets.
This is hard. My sister's don't help either. Last night I was really depressed but the hypocrite will leave you with this...as they say on the airplane put your mask on first before helping others ...cause if you don't, you may not be in a position to help others.
Hope something I mentioned relieves you.