Why do so many mothers emotionally blackmail their grown children with fear, obligation, and guilt?

Shakingdustoff - I'm sorry you are going through this - I do empathize and understand what you are going through with these trips to the ER for no reason. My mother has passed, but this was a pattern she had for more years than I can remember. The doctors would find nothing and send her home. Or she would complain of a particular symptom; there would be numerous tests, etc. - and if they found nothing - she would say she could not walk - then they had to admit her. It would appear to the doctors that she was competent as well; but what "competent" person does this??? It's hard to believe anyone would want to go to the hospital. It is a form of narcissistic behavior, looking for attention at all costs; but also a personality disorder and later diagnosed with delusional disorder. That said; many at the nursing home where she eventually was a resident, thought she was "competent". And even there, she found ways to go to the ER.

It is so stressful and difficult to deal with. I just wanted you to know I truly do know what you are going through and I send you hugs across the miles. Take care.

My mom would FOG you and drag you into her depression quagmire until youd snap and belt out a stream of ? ( reprimand ) . this stream would ground her and shed instantly settle down. its like me and the parrot. the parrot will scream bloody murder till i hurl h2o in her face then the game is concluded. she needed a daily shot of bathwater anyway and she'll not only shut up but chuckle as you walk away.
i fail to see the difference between mom and the birds game. they both wanted to make old beard clip cuss. they craved it. i spect it was pretty humorous from their perspectives. ( b**ches !! )

Because there are decent people who happen to have monsters parents. Parents that have always cared only for themselves and their old age makes it more difficult for their adult children. Short of disowning them, you are stuck with with these monsters until they die. Horrible way to acknowledge a parent, but sometimes it is what it is.

I think for my mom, it was because once dad died and her own forgetfulness and "loss" of control set in, she had to blame someone. She had to lean on someone. That is how I choose to feel about it. I would rather pity her than get mad at her. I feel sorry for her. I think she kind of likes it that way because she gets attention from me and "sympathy". Sadly, she does threaten to move away, leave her money to the animal shelter, etc if I don't do what she wants. Then a day later, she recoils when I tell her what she said, stating, "I never said that!" Until I can invent a time machine to take her back to the days dad was alive and she was happy, I think I am stuck.

CountryMouse it starts when you're a child and powerless. You HAVE to pay attention to your parent, because they wield the power of food and shelter and love and acceptance. I think as some children grow up, they don't understand that the power shifts, and they now have an equal amount of power as their parent - and in most cases, more than the parent, because the parent now needs their help. Mentally they're still five years old, in need of love and support from that manipulative parent. It's really sad. Some threads on here are heartbreaking, because adult children are miserable and don't understand they have the power to change things. And sometimes money is the cudgel used by parents to manipulate their grown children.

What continues to baffle me is how come it often works so well! - why do people get shoved around by little old ladies who can't even chase after them, let alone hurt them?

But as I've been told several times now, if you're lucky enough not to know what it's like to have that kind of mother you can't really understand how much power emotional blackmailers can wield. Clearly, it's less painful for the blackmailee to give in to the blackmailer's demands than to tell her where to go, and I suppose it's a lifelong, self-feeding habit. It's also a form of bullying and wants stamping on firmly wherever possible - but that's just my two penn'orth.

I'm glad I could help a little. Unfortunately, I've seen this too often. If parents can't see their adult children for who they are - adults - then things can get dicey. It can stress the young marriages as well as the relationship with their own child/children.

As I mentioned, there are other reasons, of course. But this is one I've witnessed.
Thanks again for your comment.
Carol

Carol, your first point is interesting. I guess that if the mother never had much of a life outside of her children then she might feel some resentment that they left home to have a life of their own, if they ever had that chance because some don't, and also possibly means she did not navigate the empty nest syndrome well either in which too often a couple discovers that they lost each other while raising the children. I guess these moms never reached an adult to adult level of relationship with their adult children. Thanks for your answer.

Great question, cmagnum!

I believe it can be any one or a combination of the above. Sometimes, it's because the mother never had much of a life outside of her children. Sometimes, it stems from fear because of failing physical and/or mental health. Sometimes it's a personality issue. Whatever the reason, the only way out the caregiver has is to not fall victim to the blackmail. Detaching from this type of treatment can be extremely difficult, and sometimes counseling is necessary. However, if the caregiver can't detach to some degree, there's no way to break the cycle. That being said, we are our parents' children and it's difficult to completely detach from the way they treat us.

Take care,
Carol