Follow
Share
Read More
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
1 2 3
Thank you, this is answering my question about hoarding- because that is what I call not letting go of 80 year old encyclopedias or keeping 22 coats or all those glasses!
It's obviously a pretty common problem.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

I went through this exact thing this time last year - but Mom wasn't actually ready to move - we were forced to move her closer to me because she had fallen and wasn't safe to live alone anymore. Like you, I had no siblings to help, but her sister did come for a week to help choose clothes and other essentials.
I hired a senior move manager to help with figuring out what to take and what to leave, and we just told Mom that we were taking essentials now and could come back for anything we missed. To help her with the transition we recreated the space she spent the most time in, the tv room, in her new apartment, with the recliner, the entertainment center, bric-a brac and even pictures all in the same positions they'd been in before. Mom also had an enormous collection of antique toys (so big that my parents had added a room onto the house to display them all!) so I chose one bookcase full of her most cherished pieces for her to keep in her new apartment and put the rest in storage. She doesn't even miss them.
If it's an option, don't try to clean out the entire house while she's still living there; we were fortunate that we were able to keep the house as is, just got Mom moved out as quickly as possible, and we are going back this summer to finish the clean out and sell the house. I needed a year to recuperate... ;-)
If you do hire a senior move manager, make sure you get references. The really good ones are worth every penny. They are trained in helping YOU get through this as well, and can act as a buffer to avoid the fights that inevitably arise in these situations. And do hire movers if she can afford it! Again, worth every penny.
Keep your chin up; you are in the worst of it now, but eventually it will all work itself out and you, your wife, and your mom will be ok !
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

I really appreciate all your input.

FreqFlyer, making a "map", to scale, and see what furniture would fit! Genius!

For us moving mom was different. Her whole life, clothing, shoes, all the things in a house, needed to fit, "fit" into 2 suitcases. Her books, dictionaries, sewing machine, ...................

Brough her jewelry box, custom made, sits on her nightstand, oil paintings she painted are on her bedroom wall, her full size towel, doilies, some Murano glass pieces. I grabbed some kitchen spoons and a potato peeler.

I set the 2 suitcases on the bed, and put in the jewelry box. Said "mom", please fill these with the clothes you cannot live without. I went downstairs.

She did what she could, and the dementia wasn't what it's now.

Gotta do what you gotta do. We flew back, and she stared at the blue skies and fluffy clouds. She was very quiet ....

5 years have passed, and she doesn't ask for anything she left behind. I am sure, she's forgotten. I haven't, but that's okay.

M88
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

I just went through this a month ago. We moved mom from an 1800 sq. foot house to a 800 sq. foot condo. What an ordeal. The first hurdle was to even get her to sort through stuff with us...she procrastinated and avoided until the last possible minute. We often just made decisions ourselves (because of time constraints) and tossed things we knew she wouldn't want. Finally we were able to sit her at the dining room table and sort. Her sitting down was HUGE. We were wandering all over the house with her, bombarding her with questions and she shut down barbecues she got tired and it was overwhelming. So instead we put the items from one cabinet in front of her...every single bowl, lid, Tupperware (from 50 years ago!) and asked "Mom is this something you think you'll need at the condo or something you really want?" And did that for every closet, cabinet, etc. It was hard for her.( and us)..she lived in her house for 38 years and to be faced with all her stuff (i.e. memories ) had to be traumatic. But having her sit down and telling her that "today we are doing this closet and tomorrow we will come and do the next closet" etc. helped her to not get overwhelmed.
Guess what? She STILL took too much and I have already been at her condo packing up things to take to Goodwill.
It wasn't a perfect move, but thankfully she's safe in her condo. NOw if we could just get her house to sell :)
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

It is hard for someone with a few sentimental attachments. It is also her life's accumulated belongings and 'her' she identifies with. It is no easy feat, to downsize. I agree with others about storage. It is hard for you, I get that, but it is harder for her. The change the elders have to face unprepared is stressful for all involved. Go easy on yourself.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

We just went through this with my 91 year old Mom, when she moved into a 1 bedroom/living room/kitchen/bathroom unit in assisted living. We were able to take her bedroom set, and some of her living room. I made sure that every piece we took was practical and served a purpose other than looking good. Made sure the closets were well organized, as well as a desk/computer area.
We also had an ESTATE SALE for the rest of her items. This worked out well and my Mom made some money on her items.
Now that she is moved in and settled, she isn't missing any of her "stuff". But the process was painful - if you can recreate her house in her new place using favorite items of furniture and furnishings, that may help her acclimate.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Keep venting and don't be afraid to say what you feel. There are some people on this board who know exactly what you are going through and how they feel. Read all their stories - there may be some valuable tips that emerge again and again. Tell your wife that once the nightmare move is over, you want to plan some real "just the two of us" moments in order to recover.
Once your mother is installed in her new place, try to avoid any compulsion to visit her too frequently. Her negative attitude will not go away - maybe just get worse with age. Accept it and move on - she used to be your loving mother, she is a different person today, but feeling insecure under the outer nastiness. Don't empathise too much but allow her time to get used to her new shoebox. Don't listen to her when she complains, or nod wisely and pretend she is speaking to you in Chinese.
You will soon learn how to develop self-defence mechanisms. Just look on this move as a car crash waiting to happen, but when it's over, that will be it for hopefully a long time, until she has to be moved to 24/7 nursing care. Good luck - you have good wishes from all other correspondents on this board. If anybody criticises you for your negative thoughts or tell you "you should be trying harder to understand her point of view", then that person has not been through what you are going through, and so has no right to criticise you.
Let us know how you get on.

Come back and vent as much as you want to.
Helpful Answer (9)
Report

One thing interesting, I wonder if it is easier to move one's Dad to independent living than it is moving one's Mom when it comes to moving items? My Dad was pretty easy [except for his books as I mentioned previously, at least he didn't want his college books from the 1940's any more].

I think Dad would have been happy with a cot, and cinder blocks/boards for his bookcases. Dad could care less about the knick knacks Mom had around the house, nor the dollies [ton of them]. He did miss his tools, so I got one of Dad's old toolboxes and put in some tools from his workshop... just knowing the toolbox is in the closet makes him happy [hopefully he won't mess with the water heater and furnace which is in a closet in his apartment] :P
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

My husband and I have been married for 16 years. During that time it seems like all we have done is downsize, either us (moving in together), or family members dying. It has taught me a lesson and I throw something out every week. This week only an empty 3 ring binder and an old belt. One week I got rid of an industrial sewing machine I don't use much anymore. I don't want my kids having to go through what I went through. I tell everyone and I am serious, I want to go first. I do not, repeat, do not, want to have to clean out my husband's garage.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

I had a heart to heart with my hubby. It stresses me to no end to see his SHOP... yes, built a shop, with all the bells and whistles........full of tools.............that I know NOTHING ABOUT....................It scares me stupid to think, he has sunk loads of cash on specialty tools = sound installation equipment and such. Plus carpenter's stuff.
I told him: "Look, I asked you 6 yrs. ago to PLEASE go thru your things.........and no, you haven't. When you are gone, I will have a garage sale and sell everything for a QUARTER a piece". And walked away.

Well..............reverse psychology works! YEP! He has been going thru his stuff, buckets, loads, boxes, bins, yeah, uuuggghhhh, and he is throwing away a lot that has just decomposed from being there so long..............wire that is no good, nuts that rusted, the roof of the shop leaked and wet e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g
inside, so he is going thru the SAD realization that it has all rusted.
Better him than ME!
He knows what works and what does not. He does not have memory issues, but had a quintuple heart bypass 6 yrs. ago.
But getting up in years..........

I am glad I did not have to repeat how I feel to him about his tools? or what's left of them?, plus taking care of clingy loving cute as a button Mom. She is not mean, not abusive, not name calling, no hatred..........just the opposite, and wants me to sit in the same room my entire life ............. Anyway, I agree with MKathleen about NOT wanting to clean out my hubby's garage. NO!

M 8 8
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Try some empathy---how would YOU like to suddenly be told you have to discard a lifetime of things? We forget sometimes our parents are people with history and just want it convenient for us, neat and tidy. Be sensitive to her feelings. I had to move from a 3 bdrm condo to a 1 bdrm apt to be close by my parents. I had to get rid of my beloved dining room and hutch that held the china that my grandmother gave me. No one showed me any empathy, all they did was offer solutions, such as storage etc. Sometimes all you want is someone to say, "that must be hard for you." If someone had acknowledged my feelings I think that might have made it all a bit more easier. I still cry a little over what I lost but in the end it is just "things" I suppose.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

Oh, gosh Mulatta88 - once again, we are living parallel lives. My husband and I are downsizing (he's 66, I'm 64) and the garage was virtually his domain. Anytime I walked through it I basically put on blinders and walked from the car (parked outside due to all the stuff inside) through the garage door to the kitchen, mostly when I brought in groceries. Tried to avoid it otherwise at all costs. Adding to the tools and all other manner of bric a brac like your husband, we work out of our home and so had at least 20 ancient file cabinets that had to be purged and then hauled off to the scrap metal place. He now has whatever tools, etc. that were salvagable into nice, neat large plastic containers which will store nicely in our new home. So, we finally got to the right place but it was 7 days a week hell for months to get here. Fun times we're all living through. If I could impart any wisdom that our almost 39 year old and 42 year old daughters it would be to try and be as minimalistic as possible so you aren't faced with this but, of course, hindsight is 20/20 as we all know. Thanks for the ability to share - I'm actually almost getting a chuckle out of writing this. :-)
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

I sure can see both sides of this problem. To add to it, I worked for an All Risk agency. Over my career, I have seen thousands of people lose everything in fires, floods, earthquakes, tornados, and hurricanes. All of this is just stuff that can be here today and gone tomorrow. Then, as in the case of my mother, stuff she valued no one wanted. It wasn't our style, no room, etc. How sad for the people losing what they valued so much.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Rainmom, if it's a 'business' wardrobe you might check with your local Junior League or similiar group. Around here they have a 'business clothing drive' occasionally. It's to raise funds and help those who have the skills but dont have the 'interview' outfits and/or 'working attire' that make a good first impression. When I retired I went to a jeans-n-tshirts wardrobe, so after a couple years of 'oh I might need that outfit again', the next time they had a drive I just gathered up the majority of my 'working wardrobe' and gave them a call. They were happy to make a hole in my closet for more jeans. LOL!

gesteiger426 It sounds like she might be willing to go that way if you catch her in the right mood and point out how much the young ones would 'appreciate' her beautiful things since vintage is so "in" now. Depending on how much damage the two strokes did to her temper, it may be worth a try.

Oh, and FYI gesteiger426: If you do hire a moving company, you should ask them ahead of time while you're getting their estimates about a 'split delivery'...i.e. they deliver one part of the things/boxes to your mother's appartment and the rest to a second location, storage unit or whatever. I did that once and it's only slightly more expensive and saved me a world of headache. And it sure sounds like your sanity could use the extra time to sort and weed out once your mother is settled in to her new place.

Good Luck!
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

My foster dad was moved from a dump to a much smaller place and had he been able to stay independent, I would've suggested renting a storage unit. You can always take a cab out there or somehow get another ride to the storage unit
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Call 1800gotjunk or the junkluggers.com . Let her move in first & then tell her the things will follow. Whatever you have junkluggers haul away, they will donate. She won't know what's missing & if she does tell her it's in your house or storage. But you have to take care of it when she's not there to control it. When my mother had to go to nursing rehab I got junkluggers to take a lot of furniture so that I could fit hospital bed & lifting machine in house. I want her to come home since she keeps getting sick @ nursing home. Mom told me don't get rid of anything until I come home & then SHE will decide what to keep, donate or throw out. Yeah but if that's the case then there's no room for Mom! Furniture will not make room for her! So do it this way & ignore remarks about wife. Take a day for yourself or even a few hrs. I have imagined taking 1 way ticket to California. Good luck & let us know how you're doing.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Why not secretly put a label that is visible to the movers. They would then know that those items are to go into the room. No label - it goes away. But with the room, you must measure and put on paper where everything goes and make sure you have the room before the movers get there. Then they can move the furniture with a label into the places shown on the paper. The rest can be donated to charity if the family doesn't want it.
And there are veterans organizations out there who would love to have the used furniture and other items. I know, I researched this subject. And when you plan what to take above the basic necessities, try to pick one or two items that are dear to her that could fit into the room. Also be sure to include paintings and things of that nature.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

gesteiger426, if you are still on-line, please let us know how everything went with your Mom's move to Independent Living. We haven't heard from you since day one. Hope everything is ok.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

It sounds to me like she's probably expecting a much bigger place than what's really available, and if you're used to living in a very big place this would be normal. No one wants to downsize if they don't have to unless they feel ready. Putting myself in her shoes, I wouldn't want to feel like I'm living in a prison cell either because in those little "cells", you can't really have nothing. I think you should probably leave her where she is and just take care of her in her current location. You can probably have home health care come in and take care of her right where she is. I had an elderly friend who had home health care come in and care for him at his apartment and he did fine up until he started declining so much to the point that squad got sick of taking him every single day several times a day and he was eventually forced into a nursing home because they had no other choice.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

All your experiences started me wondering what I would have done about my parents' three-story house and accumulated belongs if my father hadn't died shortly after -- without my father's knowledge -- I placed my mother in a nursing home. With advice from a lawyer, I managed to hang on to my new job and my sanity. A year ago, when I was 85, I moved to an independent living facility. I brought only what would fit, and have added a few small things since then. I am drawing up a list of what's in my room and its financial and/or sentimental value. Since they don't live nearby, I will let them know they are free to leave everything here for the facility's staff to take what they want.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Just forget it -- not worth the fight. Once she gets all the stuff into her new place she will find out for herself. My husband brought a lot of stuff when we moved here 8 months ago. He is gradually getting rid of it. Rejoice that she knows she needs the help and is willing to move. So many won't admit it. Once she is settled, she will lose the mean, negative ways.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I do feel with you.... and want to say this... In Nursingschool I learned about patient care, where you do not get angry at patients, never mind how ugly they treat you !!! The patient presents ugly behaviour or unreasonable behaviour, due to brain changes, fear, and often loneliness. As a Nurse, you learn to manage such behaviour, by taking a deep breath and then acting as reasonably as possible to let the patient know that you are there to help !!!
This approach is what I used when I took care of my own mother with severe macular degeneration, heart problems, severe osteo- porosis, and late stage Parkinson's disease, and fear of so many things and situations, at the same time as caring for a father who had severe symptoms of atherosclerosis, and lung cancer... Taking a deep breath and reminding myself that they are patients... allowed me to ignore their behaviour and pay more attention to their care aspects... In your case I would follow that moving truck with an empty truck on moving day... and load all items into it that, which she finds that she cannot keep in the new place. or just arrange for a locker in shich the moving men can store the left overs. Give her the chance to see what fits and what does not... and she may be very grateful to you when you say: I'll take the things and store them for you... Give her the chance to get used to the new place with fewer items and a few weeks later she may agree to dispose of most of what does not fit in her life anymore... Folks of that age group often get rude from fear.. a fear they really do not want to admit to... so learn to ignore...and learn to provide other ways ... learn to joke and wonder what you would feel or fear after 2 strokes... the last few years are the hardest to manage emotionally as death does stare into their faces... !!! .... I wish you well !!!
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

I would suggest, you do not take it personally, is rule NO 1.   Change are most people's nightmare, let alone if it is forced. Your mom is going through a lot emotionally and do not know how to deal with it. She is unrealistic about what she can fit into her new home, but please try to understand it is her life that is changing drastically. I totally get what you are going through, but if you make this only about her, then you will feel better if you step back a little and look at it from the 'outside'. It is not easy for either of you, but it is very hard on her. Remember to take care of you and your wife and your mom will eventually settle. I would take what I think is necessary and tell her I'll bring the rest, as soon as she is settled. I had to sometimes do that with my dad who also found it hard to part with things, but he couldn't even remember the things afterwards. Do not argue with her, just agree and take charge and be gentle. It might work better for you both.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I went through that w my mom. Let her be in control. When she gets to her small apartment she will she how much room she has. Sometimes we think we’re helping by giving good advice, but they don’t want to give up their control. Just let her do what she wants and don’t get yourself stressed. Mistakes will be made but it will be hers. If you make decisions it will be more ammunition to blame you. I got used to say “ ok mom”. Even if i knew it wouldn’t be a good outcome.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Interesting to see this question come up again here, as I just spent the weekend cleaning out the storage unit for which I have been paying for a year and a half. The only way I could pacify Mom on the last move (from a sr community to AL) was to put the things she "couldn't live without" in a newly rented storage unit. Of course, she hasn't touched a single one of them in that year and a half. She now feels terrible that I have been paying for the unit all this time and realizes it was her stubbornness (which is putting it nicely -- she was a baby!) that caused added expenses for me. I'm now approaching retirement and haven't been able to save much because of all of the expenses for her. I, like many of you, am the only one of my siblings who helps her. Her LTC money runs out soon so I will be retiring early and moving across four states so that she can live with me. I read this forum religiously to get ready for this new phase in our lives. I have found ONE medicaid-funded facility in her area that may be acceptable if the plan of having her live with me doesn't work out. I have no delusions that it will be easy. I've read so many of the responses you have shared about regretting that decision.....!
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

1 2 3
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter