What should I do if my mom wants me to quit my job to take care of her?
I posted this in another thread and members there kindly suggested that I start a thread... Thank you to those members! I appreciate your recommendations... so here goes... I'm not sure if this is the right place for this conversation but I need to vent and perhaps solicit some suggestions for my mother - 87 years old and she's very angry and frustrated with me that I don't quit my job of 37 years - which I dearly love - and need for my own sanity (financially and otherwise). I've tried many times to hire caregivers for her and she fires them or refuses to allow them to come into her apartment (she refused to stay in Assisted Living facility - so we gave in and moved her into her own small apartment with the condition that she would get 'home help' when the time came). The time has come and gone...helpers are 1)Lucky to get in at all 2)Get fired soon thereafter. Yesterday was the last straw; I took her to the grocery store - before she could even get out of the car she wanted to tell me that she'd been thinking the night before and had come up with a solution - she'd figured something out - the something she'd figured out was that the new caregiver, T. who my husband had met exactly one time - and passed her info on to me (she works for a local elder care organization and was looking for new clients - yeah!) was and I quote 'having the hots for my husband!) She's always suspicious and says that this one 'has eyes for me' or that one is asking questions about me or my husband, etc. etc. That there is always a 'sexual' intent to sneak around and have a relationship (nothing could be further from the truth as my husband and I have a very happy/solid marriage, besides we're 71 and 64 years old - so shopping around for a 'good time' are just not on our agendas!!) It is a ridiculous conversation to have and I refused to engage in that discussion with her. She accused me of 'not wanting to hear the truth'!! Really? Well, I got her into the store and I stopped in next door for an appointment that lasted only 1/2 hour - back to the grocery store I found her and she exclaimed that's she'd barely gotten started - I said I've really got to be getting back to work - I thought she was picking up only a few things - well obviously a misunderstanding here as she'd come to buy up lots of stuff to 'stock up' - however the caregiver was supposed to come over and clean out the (stuffed, filthy refrigerator) and packed freezer - and she's buying pork roasts, sausages, 5 quarts of creamer, milk, etc. I asked her to wait until after caregiver gets the fridge cleaned out - that was the second time on this trip that she started yelling at me - making snide remarks about 'why don't you just do what I'm asking you to do for me!!!'. Refused to let me help her to the car; refused to let me help her put her credit card in the machine at the check-out. Made a real scene. I finally got the car loaded in the pouring rain (at her insistence that we not wait any longer for the rain to pass - since I'd rushed her to wrap up the shopping - because I had to get back to work). It was a lunchtime mid-day outing - but she forgets that only the day before I'd taken 4 hours off work to help her order some flooring/window treatments for her apartment - two days in a row of being unavailable at work is pushing it. My boss is very understanding, but will only tolerate so much of my absence. At any rate she was so angry on the way home (10 minutes) she spewed so much hatred at me - incredible, disappointing and saddening. She brought up everything she could think of in those ten minutes to tell me how awful I was, how I should get in to see a psychiatrist because I must have schizophrenia (my sister does) and other insults hurled at me until she was out of the car and headed back inside her apartment...basically told me not to come back and she'd never go shopping with me again...ugh...she fired the caregiver who was scheduled to come in today to clean out the fridge; called and cancelled all the improvements we'd ordered. I have no idea what to do about her now. She lives 3 miles away....I have a full time job, a home, pets, husband, etc to take care of, so life goes on - but not sure what to do about her and her anger issues... I think her mental state is declining and I've called her doctor and left messages but he will never call me back. Instead he asks her about me - and then she tells me ' I think my doctor is 'sweet on you'. He's never met me! I'm at a total loss today as to what to do, if anything. I'm burned out and exhausted after the last two days of dealing with mom...I guess I'll go bury myself in work, etc and wait to see what her next move will be - maybe she'll get someone to come in and help her. I could have someone contact her (from local caregiver organizations, but I'm completely out of ideas)...
She too suggested I stop working and care for her. She too would tell me things like, why don't you just listen to me.
I did exactly what the first response suggested, stopped doing so much for her, ignored her when she mistreated me. It has really shaped her behavior towards me. Now, my brother and his family support her s lot more than I do.
I know you love her but, don't give up your life for her. You'll regret it and believe me, she won't appreciate it.
My mom is not manipulating as yours is but she has dementia and might be in stage 6. She's still active which gets her in trouble. She kept ESCAPING the facility so I have her back in her home.
My huge aid and discovery is Council on Aging; its nationwide in the United States. Find one near you and get a list of all their amenities. Mine has dementia daycare!! A bus picks up my mom (complete with a nurse on it) keeps her mind and body active; gets lunch/they drop her back off at a MUCH MIRE AFFORDABLE PRICE than home caregivers. Plus she is "offset" from her former routine of being the boss in the house. She fought me, at first, but now looks forward to the bus ride and the day. It's just weekdays but I can get so much taken care of without her here!! the program is about 5 hours, so when I was working I had a caregiver service greet her and take care of her for a few hours before I returned. They have lots of practical help at the COA; worth checking out to find out everything. If your senior is in their home they offer many cleaning services for a small donation (carpets/windows). Be centered in your decision. If you are not near retire age (I was) keep the job.
I did wind up quitting and moved up here to care for mom; knew no one in town. I hadn't played flute since high school but took a few lessons and the teacher said I should join the community band. I bring mom with me as we practice for 2 hours each week. They love her! I found community!! I'm actually getting better at playing and it's become a surprise joy!! Music is so healing. There IS an answer that could bring blessings and surprises amidst the pain of decisions.❤️
Most pensions are set up so that the vast majority of your pension money is earned in you last few years of working. Leave early and you lose. After 28 years work, my pension would have tripled had I stayed just another 3 and a half years. ) I honestly don't know what I could have done differently, as the situation was untenable, either way. My being retired just let him think he was free to harrass me even more. And the misery continued to just get worse, untill (as others have mentioned) a crisis put him in the hospital, and the social workers there got involved, and I was able to place him in a nice dementia care facility. (Be forewarned, placement does NOT end the stress and work and harrassment. It just changed it, but gave me peace of mind, that he was safe, and the ability to walk out, when the verbal harrassment went over the top.
I wish you well.
I hope you get paid back for the money you are spending toward your father's care. And I hope the darling golden boy brother is also contributing!
"She finds things that it almost seems she wishes I had-IE she has bad veins in her legs and she's looking at mine, which are fine and telling me I have broken down ones....one of many picks."
Yes! My mother does this. I'm supposed to listen to her endless complaints and she says, "Just wait until YOU are old!" And she asks me, "Are your hands arthritic yet?" She picks and pokes at me if I have so much as a bandaid on.
I would like to add my vote to the DO NOT QUIT YOUR JOB club. Someone on here said a long time ago that we are entitled to our lives just as much as they are. Just because they need more help doesn't mean that we should put our lives, hopes, dreams on hold.
In addition to this site, a local caregiver support group gave me the strength to set & stick to boundaries. Good luck!
My mom is 69 (I am 49, with a 16 year old daughter) and we live in the same house (bad bad mistake on my end!). My mom still works a full time job, but she still wants me to change my hours so that I am home in the daytime with her (she works in the evenings). There are some cognitive issues going on with her...the fact that she is a drinker is not helping with them. Right now, she is at the point where she can't find stuff, yells at everyone to not touch her things and we find her stuff in one of the many bags that she throws things in. The "piece de resistance" now is that she cannot find her 2015 taxes (that I did for her but she didn't file), but I am suppose to stop everything and look for them, even though she said don't touch her stuff. I responded back with "if you can't find your stuff, LOOK HARDER".
Your mother has lived her life and made her mistakes with it. You and your husband need to live yours so that you can "fill the glass" so that you can help others. Can't help anyone else from an empty glass. Hugs to you, sis!
I noticed with my parents, I had to change my lifestyle in order for my parents to continue on with theirs. Like taking Mom to 3 different grocery stores because each one had special sales. It took hours of my time for Mom to save $6 on groceries. Even if I went out and bought groceries, Mom would want me to take back an item because I was overcharged by 10 cents. Eventually I decided just to give Mom a dime from my wallet and pretended to have gone back to the grocery store... I made some scribbling notes on the receipt to make it look like I had been there. Then I discovered Peapod on-line grocery which had home delivery.
Before I found the Aging Care forum, I didn't know that I could actually say "no", with a lot of practice.
She's been to our home many times and always says the same thing - why don't you SELL this place and get a nice ranch - all on ONE level! You know you're going to have trouble with those stairs yourselves (we're 64 and 71, and so far are able to navigate the stairs just fine). She's even gone so far as to tear out those magazine ads for the 'chair lift' - why YOU should get some of these on your stairs so that YOU can get up and down...huh? Why would we spend $1200 on each of those chair lifts? We don't need them...but she DOES!
Basically my husband just put his foot down and said 'No Way' is she ever coming to live with us - when I told him of her request. It's not that they didn't get along either - at that time it was her incessant talking - mostly about her ex-husbands and the mess THEY made of her life.
I've discussed all this blame-game previously - but every mistake she's ever made was in response to someone else's decision to move, not to move; go, don't go, eat the wrong things, not exercise, not have surgery (although she had great insurance being married to an auto worker for many years)...it was just one reason after another - and now her health is poor and she's on many meds (btw, she gets all her Rx's mailed to her home from Humana - wonderful company that takes care of all of that). Her doctor is a Visiting Physician and comes to her home as well - so that was two things I got right when we first moved her to our state - so we could help look after her (when I say 'we' it's just me and hubby - her son-in-law)...no other siblings.
The criticism of me and my home - once she was here and told me 'your house is like a museum' - everything in place...(unlike hers which is a disaster area)... Told me that I was 'too picky' and 'prissy'...everything so perfect...snide and sarcastic remarks.
And then when she says 'You don't want me at your house' - do you wonder why? I don't mind when she comes to my home, but she complains the entire time; my stomach hurts, I can't get up those stairs to the bathroom - couldn't you set up a portapotty or something there in the kitchen/dining room area that I could get to easily? (Are you kidding?)
We made a decision back in 1995 to purchase this place (with the stairs) - while she lived in another state and long before any thoughts of her needing my help. I just sit here and shake my head at her audacity to ask such a thing of us - we're just middle class folks- not in a position to be buying/selling our home and starting over somewhere to suit her...
As far as giving up my job - I think that's right up there with not selling our home to accommodate her. I'm so worn out when I spend time with her - I go home to my job and my solace (I work alone) and thankfully have a loving and supportive husband who understands my mental condition after time spent with my mother - he's aware of the mental beating I've just endured - and that this time was the last straw. I'm not going back over to her apartment - I'm not calling her. And by the same token - she hasn't called me...ok.
As far as getting her any help - that train has left the station. I'd make some calls, etc. but all of the agencies that I've looked at on-line want information about me - and I'm a non-participant at this point. She's played her last card with me as far as I'm concerned. She can call someone for support/help if she wants to - otherwise the last person I'm going to discuss this with (as far as getting help for her is concerned is her doctor). She's abused and discarded everyone who's ever tried to help her - and now she's done that to me too...if I sound angry - I am...but I don't think my reaction to her is out of pure anger - it's been coming for a long time - it was just a matter of how much of her abuse I was going to take before I said, enough.
I quit my job about three years ago to be more of a companion to my mother, who was suffering from depression and anxiety. My circumstances were different than yours; I was ready to leave that job, but if not for my mom, would have started seeking a new job. Things have worked out okay for us, and my mother is essentially a reasonable, kind human being. But I do think that having me around constantly was not an unmixed blessing for my mom. She became more dependent on others because she was not compelled to do more for herself. She had a serious stroke late last year, which has left her with some cognitive issues. Fortunately, we now have in-home care for her, but in the first few weeks after the stroke, she would yell for me every night, multiple times. Sometimes it was that she needed to use the commode, but other times it would be something along the lines of, "There is a rope around me (not in reality) and I want to take it off." Now we have caregivers at night, but she still yells for me, I think more often than I realize since the caregivers are very kind to me as well as to her. My being available round the clock when she was well set her expectations, and now that she is disabled, those expectations are a lot more difficult to meet. This is just a long-winded way of saying that you'll only make things worse, not better, by giving up your work that you enjoy.
You have to start treating yourself as the priority in your life. Taking time off from work & letting your mother abuse you sets a precedent. You need to set a new precedent.
Let your mother know that you will not be at her beck & call. Let her know that you have a life & that YOUR LIFE is your priority, not her life.
You also need to be CRYSTAL CLEAR and let her know that you will not---WILL NOT---tolerate her abusive behavior. Your answer to her when she says things like "Why don't you just do what I'm asking you to do for me?!?!?!?!" should be "Because you are mean, nasty, miserable & negative, and I will not live my life that way. The limited amount of time I spend with you is horrible---why would I want to quit my job to spend more time with you?" Your response during the 10 minute car ride home when she was insulting you should have been "It is obvious that you are not happy with the sacrifices I am making so you can do what you want to do. Therefore, this is the last time I will be helping you & from here on in, you will have to take a taxi to the grocery store, to get window treatments, load & unload the car yourself, clean your own house, etc. I am clearly not qualified to do any of those things, so you can do them yourself, alone." And then, keep your word. When she calls you for help, don't answer the phone or let her know that you are not going to open yourself up to her nasty insults when you are helping her.
Let her do everything on her own for a while & see what her reaction is. I would bet that once she gets a taste of your absence & not being there for her every beck & call, she will change. And if she begins her abusive behavior after a period of being alone, make yourself scarce again. Actions speak much louder than words. Not being available whenever she wants you will send a very loud message.
I can't yell, so I type as big as I can.
You may get "guilted" to death by people who don't "get it"---but stand your ground.
The time you lose in your career you can never regain. You will also likely lose your sense of self and begin to resent mom.
Oh COURSE our parents want us to take care of them. Don't fall into the "I brought you up (maybe giving up a career to do so, I don't know) but I know zero people who are grateful they quit their jobs to take care of elderly parents. My brother quit his 2nd job (the one that kept the family afloat!!) to care for Mother--20 years ago. Long story short, he lost all his clients. b/c mom always needed something--RIGHT NOW and he is now a worn-to-the-nub 55 y/o man who looks 70.
You can place mom in a nice ALF and do as much visiting and caring as you can and feel able to.
I didn't quit a career to help care for mom, but it did make me have to cut back on my PT hours, and luckily, hubby has always supported us just fine. BUT, I did not get enough time to be with new grandbabies, do things for myself and be a tad selfish after raising 5 kids and 1 foster son.
I "help" mother as much as I want and no more. She is a toxic little person and adds to my depression so badly. 2 days in a row with her and I am nearly bedbound.
Oh, and I HAVE 4 sibs..other than the one she lives with, the other 3 are completely MIA. They do nothing. Ever.
Take care of you, first. Then, BOUNDARIES!!!! (All the lessons I learned too late to help me!!)
I am sorry to hear about your situation. My mother is finally in a Memory Care facility and out of the house. The first thing I did years ago was call Senior services in area my mother lived. I asked them about the process to go through to help her. They were very helpful and sent out the power of attorney paperwork right away. The first power of attorney paperwork allowed us to go to the doctor with her and get info from the doctor and it also allowed us to help with the finances. It has been several years and her mental state has declined, so we had a social worker come in and evaluate her mental state. Of course we didn't tell her it was a social worker, we told her that it was someone that wanted to meet her. The social worker's evaluation and the doctor's evaluation made it possible to get a power of attorney to take over her full welfare.
I say all of this so you can take charge of the situation. Don't let something awful happen to her, because then you will feel guilty. You know that your mother is having problems and is causing you problems. You will have to go behind her back and take care of you and her. Her stubbornness is no reason to not take care. I've talked to many people that have elderly parents and they have just taken the situation by the reigns and put their loved ones in places where they know they are safe and taken care of.
But now my mom is in AL (was very hard to do) and life is good. My mom loves her AL and is grateful to be there. Now I am taking care of my husband. I could never had the two of them under the same roof. So much work!
Hang in. Hang tough. Somebody has to be the tough guy--that is you.
Hugs!
Not with reference to Sue's mother, who sounds very extreme, but in general, I think some of the selfish or demanding behavior in the elderly springs from fear coupled with cognitive decline. I have to say that this experience with my mother has been very sobering for me, and I do wonder who will be there for me when I'm old and infirm. Maybe I'll be just as demanding for fear of being overlooked or neglected, or because I feel useless and unvalued. I hope not, but I'm probably going to be a pain in the neck.
* Next time she pressures you about quitting your job to take care of her, ask her how the bills will be paid and if she's willing to pay all of your bills and hers, too and see what she says about that. Show her all of your bills and hers and ask her if she's willing to pay everything of yours on top of hers and she will back down real quick when she realizes you have bills to pay and a family to feed because I don't think she wants to take on more responsibility by making you quit your job for her.
Also, what you described about this sounds like a narcissist. I just recently heard a survivor talking about this very thing in a video and what she was saying is very similar to what you're trying to say here. Sometimes they have a golden child or have people under their control and they become worse with age. You really need to get on YouTube and research narcissism and how to stop the signs, and what you describe is a sure sign of narcissism. Narcissistic people are often abusive in other ways besides trying to control you. Narcs pressure you to give up your job if you're working and bringing in money. They also try to take advantage of you financially if you have money and resources. Narcs also discourage your efforts and don't care about your needs. They'll keep complaining and insult thing until you take the hint and give in even if you stand up to them. If you stand up to them the pressure is greater but there's power in numbers, so seek out but support network. Abusers will also try to isolate you as they often do their victim, and you sound like you might actually be a golden child set to inherit something if you happen to be the only one. If there are others, you're probably just one among other possible victims she had her eye on. Narcs pick on the weakest possible link, and it sounds like you've fallen prey to a narcissist and you need to get out of there and leave her behind for your own sanity. If she has money, make her hire in-home care or make her pay you for what she's putting you through because you're entitled to a part-time salary at very least if you're going to work for her outside of your own job. Demand she pay you upfront in for a certain amount for your work before you even start. If she won't, turn tail and walk out and don't return or even look back. Caregivers are entitled to a reasonable salary without taking advantage and financially abusing the elder, requiring payment is allowed but be reasonable and find out what caregivers are netting. I don't know if your full-time or part-time but it sounds like you're probably part time and you should be pulling a salary for this type of work, especially if you don't make enough to make ends meet at your current job
As for taking her shopping, I wouldn't even let her in my car with those types of anger issues because you never know what those kinds of people will do or what kind of wreck they may suddenly cars especially out in areas with higher speed. Don't ever let her in your car again unless you really want to risk a car accident and having to suffer through possibly long drawn out injuries or maybe even risk dying. Never ever ever let anyone with anger issues into your car, especially not in the front seat! You just don't know what she's gonna do, just don't let her in your car. She's already been honest with you and told you how she felt, now believe her and take the hint and just go ahead and move on and I don't even look back. Block her number or go ahead and change yours but don't subject yourself to more abuse. Each time you go back you're asking for more though you may not know or realize it but you're asking for it each time you go back or let her contact you. Don't subject you or your family to the abuse, especially if there are children involved. She's already told you how she feels and you really need to stop what you're doing and move on to someone who will appreciate your efforts of lending a helping hand. People often don't appreciate or notice the good you're doing until you suddenly stop doing it and it sounds to me like she's taking advantage of you. Break free and help someone else who will actually appreciate your efforts of loving kindness
I grew up wanting to please my parents. And although I did take time off work to care for my father after his stroke, I'm glad I never quit my job completely. Its very stressful caring for a parent every day. I don't think people know what they are getting into sometimes. I didn't. I didn't know how much anger and resentment I would have. Now that my father has passed, I'm glad I have a job to go to. Do what is best for you, my friend.
I'm an only child - who is able to provide any kind of care of her - my sister is in a group home in another state due to schizophrenia and other mental problems. She's in no shape to help take care of my mother - refuses to answer her calls. She has her own anger issues - she's 66.
As for inheriting anything - my mother has finally saved up enough money to bury her when the time comes - that's about it. She has no other assets... no home, no car...
She does not qualify for Medicaid (makes just enough each month with SS and my stepfather's pension to disqualify her for all of the free government programs).
It's been almost a week since I've spoken with her - she hasn't called me and I haven't called her. She's very stubborn - so I can only assume she's getting help from other people - if/when she needs it. I also haven't heard from her doctor- he has a HIPAA release from her on file to discuss her medical care with me.
A long time back she made me her POA and I'm in charge of her finances - pay all of her bills and manage her checking accounts - because I kept hearing from HER 'other's peoples children take care of all of these things! I don't want to worry about it...ok, so she never gets any bills in the mail and all of her expenses are covered every month. With that being said, she does have enough to afford a caregiver (within reason). But so far no one lasts more than a few visits - she resents spending $20 an hour to have someone clean - she can do it herself (she says, but for various reasons never gets around to it)...
At any rate, I've been able this week to focus on my work, cleaning my home and generally having less stress in my daily routine. I must say that my conscience bugs me - hope she's okay and I feel like calling her just to say 'are you okay'...but then I know I'm opening the door to heaven only knows what she'll say next - either she would hang up on me...or spew some more hatred...or just rattle on and on about her needs...until I caved and got back on the 'take care of mom' train...so I leave the phone in place - and do other things that need to be done.
Right now, I think that's for the best...