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It’s been 14 years now that I’ve been caring for my mom. I tried unsuccessfully to get my parents to plan for their future but they refused. When my dad died my mother thought she would just move in with me. Even though I had told her that wasn’t possible. She has badgered and relentlessly pursued this idea for all these years. She never gives up. I call her everyday and talk for at least an hour. I dedicate a whole day every week to her needs and desires. I still work and have a family of my own. I also have a somewhat serious health condition. She is 96 and she says if she lived with me she could help! It’s ridiculous! I am so very very very very tired of her trying to quilt me into taking her. But I feel like I’m holding back to raging river. I understand boundary setting but how long can I be expected to hold them without cracking?

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Mother does NOT live with you, then, correct? Whatever you do DO NOT CRACK or back off on your boundaries by allowing her to move in! UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.

One day her 'stubbornness' will come back to bite her on the arse when she falls down at home, lies there for God knows how long before EMS arrives to tend to her, then the hospital or rehab WILL NOT release her to live alone. This is when you roll into action, getting her placed in managed care of some kind, MY HANDS ARE TIED MOTHER. Had you made the big-girl decision YOURSELF a while ago, we would not be in this predicament we're in now. Decisions carry consequences with them, and here's your consequence now b/c I'm STILL not able to have you come live with me.

As far as 'dealing' with her relentless insistence to come live with you, I'd tell her, mom, I've explained to you 1000x why THAT IS NOT EVER GOING TO HAPPEN, it's just not possible. Should you continue to bring up this subject, I will be forced to hang up the phone and bid you good day. I've had enough of beating this dead horse. And then, you stick to your guns and HANG UP or leave her presence when the subject comes up yet again. In short order, she will understand you're not kidding.

The way to cope with this sort of emotional abuse is to INCREASE your boundaries and forbid yourself to crack with ANY OF THEM. You can make her life a whole lot worse if you back off from 7 hours of phone calls a week and a whole day of ministering to her needs. Not as a 'threat' but as a way for her to appreciate what you DO do for her. And if it's not enough, feel free to move into Shady Acres Assisted Living.

Cut down your calls to 20 minutes max apiece. Let her know in no uncertain terms that ALL you can do for her is XYZ b/c sorry mom, I have a family of my own and a health condition to deal with to boot.

YOU make the rules and the terms by which this relationship carries on, not your mother. If need be, blame your doctor who's ordered you to have NO stress or to take on in home caregiving b/c that would worsen your condition.

Best of luck
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Momsgoto Feb 2023
Wow! Thank you for such an affirming and powerful response. I keep reading it over and over. It sounds like you understand what I’m going through. Perhaps you’ve been through something similar? Anyway, you are correct about my boundaries. I need to make them even stronger and take back my power. So far she’s been the one controlling things. It’s time I realize I’m the one in control.
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My mom definitely has a great side/s to her but also has had a lifetime of getting her way because she too, is utterly RELENTLESS when it comes to getting things her way. Nobody could tell her no. Cue dementia and me in charge and guess who had to face this issue? Here’s how I’ve dealt;

- tell yourself - A LOT - that you’re making the best decisions you can for the best care within the parameters you’ve got. Because you are! Sometime you can only chose the least lousy option. Super thanks to this forum for this insight.

- remind yourself your mom will never be satisfied unless you are waiting on her hand and foot and living in her caretaker fantasy…which is literally impossible for one person to do.

- Set your boundaries of time, things you can and will do, etc…and here’s the trick - remind yourself you are your mother’s daughter, so of all the people on the planet, you can outstubborn her.

- Now you HOLD THE LINE. I thought of mine like a battle line…think Braveheart meme…” HOOOOLD THE LIIIIIIIINE”! Your mom will be relentless and try to push through your new lines. Every day. She will try to push through your boundaries over and over and over and over and over and it is utterly exhausting, but you are going to be even more stubborn than she is. HOOOOOOOOLD THE LIIIIIIINEEE!!

-Remind yourself repeatedly of the first three steps. It is utterly, totally exhausting to hold boundaries under this onslaught but you can do it! You are holding the line for the best outcome even though she can’t see it. HOLD THE LIIIIINE!

Giving you a huge hug and waving a battle flag because I know how soul grinding this kind of relentlessness can be. You can outstubborn this. It does get better over time , either because mom gets a clue that you can’t get shoved around, or because you just get used to absolutely not budging for ridiculous requests. Being stubborn like this comes from a place of care for one’s parent and care for oneself! It’s so hard but if I can do it, I know you can!
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yungstdaughter Feb 2023
I love this 🙏🏼❤
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You can do what you can for your mom but set limits. Years ago, there was a such thing as multi-generational family units in one home. My mom's family did this and so did my dad's mom. Both families took care of the grandparents when they got old. It was expected back then. The family rotated. My uncle would go up north to get granddad out of bed and get him bathed, shaved and give him a haircut. The neices changed the bedding, did the laundry and got granddad settled in bed.

Apparently, his medicare benefits were headed towards termination during his stay the in the nursing facility. This was back in the early seventies, and he had taken ill in the late sixties. As I recall, no one quit their jobs to stay home withgranddad. His two adult granddaughters lived at home; so, they did took care of the maintenance of granddad helping out with the cooking, cleaning and housework until the parent's got home. His son's did the heavy lifting and bathing. They all worked as a team.

Nowadays, things have gotten so accelerated, complicated and expensive. Whatever you decide to do, don't give up your employment or home. It will set you back. I made that mistake after my first divorce, and ended up placing myself into the family caregiver role. I didn't get a chance to make critical lifetime decisions for myself, and family dictated my career moves and my ex dictated where I could move since I had custody of my daughter. I wasn't giving up custody since my ex was abusive and had threatened to throw my daughter out a window during one visitation. Don't let other people's needs and demands dictate your life's choices.
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BurntCaregiver Feb 2023
@Scampie

You're absolutely right. Things are different now. Your grandparents had several people being the caregivers. That's different than just one.
Your grandfather was relatively young (in his 60's) when he needed help and you don't mention dementia.
You're a caregiver so you see it. There's been a big change over the last 25 or 30 years where families have an elder with dementia at home who is basically a toddler who can't be left alone for a moment. Or they're a total invalid. This is so common today and it wasn't years ago. People did not get to that point and if they did they were put into care.
We certainly live in interesting times.
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MicheleDL,

I have thought that too, why isn't there an APS, or something, for the Caregivers that cannot care for their parents. Its been proven that caregivers suffer health wise physically caring for someone. At 80, 90 and 100 our parents have definitely had their lives. Why should we as children be expected to care for them at the cost that we may die early. There should be an agency that stands up for us that can tell our LOs enoughs enough. You need to find care because you can no longer live safety in your home. No, we have to wait "until something happens" to do anything and then we r up against SWs that push for family to take care of LOs when family says no and made to feel guilty. My daughter has pointed out not just the Baby Boomers but her generation (45) are going to have problems. Women her age (mine too) are having their children in their mid 30s. I was 28 and almost 36. When I am 80 my girls will be 45 and 53. They can't afford to quit jobs to care for me. And I don't want them to. So people of my daughters age group needs a one stop shop. One place you can go to for services. When parents are stubborn. there is a mediator who tries to explain why they need to allow care that children should not be expected to do it all. And another thing, grandchildren. They should not be forced to care for a grandparent. There needs to be more help for Caregivers. They should not have to give up jobs and lives for another person. Instead of the US giving money away to other countries, they should be caring about their own. I know, right JoAnn.
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Santalynn Feb 2023
I agree with you wholeheartedly that elder care is a huge issue in our country, that family caregivers are stretched to the limit. I differ with you re aid to 'other countries' and this is where we all need to see that 'the personal is political': modern living demands everyone run themselves into the ground to just make a decent living, while huge corporations rake in billlions and make investors super wealthy. It is a toxic situation, the wealth gap, etc. The grind ruins lives on every level. Meanwhile, perhaps each community could form some kind of 'co-op' to create solutions; there is a group where I used to live called 'Many Mothers' where volunteers helped overwhelmed parents, especially of newborns; this sort of thing could create true community care for an aging citizens.
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Here's the thing, and I've found this to be true in many situations, not just caregiving. If you really don't want or really can't do something, don't even give people an opening to discuss it or make explanations. I know this sounds rude or at least contrary to the way society and upbringing teach us, but ...

The truth is that by giving people a platform to discuss or argue, or by trying to explain our reasons, we are implying that it is open to discussion, that we can be talked into it. So while it feels wrong, it's actually more honest to shut the discussion down immediately.
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Emma1817 Feb 2023
You are so very sane, and absolutely correct, McAlvie! A true breath of fresh air on this site, that often degenerates into sentimentality and worn-out questions about adult diapers, etc. How right you are! Just don’t even engage in the topic. Switch over to the weather, or some news story, rather than tell ‘em what they don’t want to hear.
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Our issues with Mom were a bit different than yours, but my sisters and I hit on a fix that might work for you, too. Whenever your Mom brings up the "move in with you" routine end the phone call or visit. Politely say something like, "Sorry, we have had this conversation already. I am not having it again." Then hang up or leave. Do not call back later and do not come for a visit sooner that your next scheduled visit. It will only take a few weeks for the topic to come up less often, though it may take a year or so before it disappears forever. In the meantime, you save yourself a lot of stress. You are already doing far more than you have to do and more than most do. Give yourself the break you deserve.
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You are not to feel guilt. You didn't cause your mom's problems and you cannot fix them. Guilt is for felons. You should more appropriately feel grief, the other g-word.
So I would say you pull back now. You don't need to speak to your Mom an hour every day. And it is not helping her if you can see what I mean.
You need to sit Mom down NOW and gently explain that she will not EVER be moving in with you, that your limitations would preclude that and that you have no intention of discussing it. You should also tell her that when you call her you will be assessing whether that call is helping her or making her more unhappy, and if the latter is the case you will be telling her goodbye until the next day.
You mother can rage or cry or do whatever she likes. You will have explained to her that those actions will get her LESS of you, not more. Pavlov's training 101.
This is in your control. You are either her doormat or you are not. Get back to your own life.
Encourage your mother to seek placement where she will have people to talk to her who have more time than you do.
This is your choice. You, and only you can make things better for yourself.
I wish you the very best.
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"But I feel like I’m holding back a raging river."

Very well put.

The river will keep raging.
As the rain is still falling somewhere, running down the mountain-sides, into streams & into that river.

The 'raging river' of your Mom's needs. Could call them *social & emotional needs*. Or just plain old age lonliness.

Getting old, not enjoying your activities, not able to do as much physically or mentally, well it can suck right? Maybe some folk are content to sit on the porch watching the world go by, or in the kitchen watching the birds outside.. But many are lonely & get fearful. What do they do? Lean on their most trusted person. Which is YOU. A little lean is ok! (What is family for?) But leaning so hard they crush you, smother you, take all your oxygen. Nope. Not ok.

So that's the circumstance: Mother is leaning just way too hard on you.

Q Do you think you have to provide 100% of Mother's needs? 100% of her social contact? 100% of her communication with others? 100% of her entertainment?

Think about that. Because maybe your beliefs are cracks in your boundaries?

PS the good news is your own thoughts are powerful & can be used for much strength.
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It is the rare parent who doesn’t want their kid to take care of them when they are old. They expect it. It’s up to us to set boundaries and do what is right for our own lives. Too many people give up their jobs, financial stability, social lives, time with their own children and spouses, and sometimes even their homes to jump head long into 24/7 caregiving for their parent. It shouldn’t be this way. It is just simply too disruptive to our own lives and can set us back years in terms of your own retirement and life experiences.

I agree that there should be more support to help children get their parents placed. Doctor’s and social workers hint at it at appointments but it would be helpful if they were simply much more direct. If they would say at the time of DX “This disease is progressive and you will eventually need more care than your child will be able to provide. After you have have a little time to process your diagnosis, you and your child will start looking at facilities so you may choose where you want to live when your child can no longer care for you.” If they made it part of the process like every other medical test it be be helpful. And then ask at every appointment, “Have you found a place you would like to live when your child can no longer care for you.”

But instead most of us just white knuckle it until there is an event that triggers placement. And that is way more traumatic than planning ahead.
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It's good that your mother can still live alone at her age, but really she shouldn't be. That does not mean she has to live with you. There are options.
A paid live-in companion that lives with her in her home. This may not be an option if she doesn't have money. On the other hand, if she owns her home she can borrow on the equity and give herself enough money to pay a live-in companion. She can move to an assisted living facility. Or to an independent senior community.
Your parents did plan for their future. Their old age care plan was to move in with you.
DO NOT let this happen. Even if your mother is low-income she can still be accepted into an indepedent senior community. Many of these places base the rent on a person's income.
Her home can be sold and she can be moved into an AL.
There are options.
Your home is not an option.
When she starts up with the guilting when you're on the phone with her, end the call.
If she starts up when you see her, shut it down straight away. Even if the visit has to end.
Stop giving up one day a week to cater to her every need and desire. That needs to stop. A paid companion/aide can help with this. Catering to her in such a way will create an entitled senior brat.
Tell her in plain language that her know you love her and want to help her make a realistic plan so she does not have to live alone anymore, but that living with you is not an option. End of story. She's been badgering and guilting you for 14 years and you haven't caved so you're not going to.
If she can't let go of the badgering and guilting you about moving in, then you may have to go 'Grey Rock'. This means limiting your contact with her or ending it completely for a while. Believe me this is better than losing it with her and having the flood gates fly open.
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Scampie1 Feb 2023
Hi Burnt,

There was no dementia. Granddad died at seventy two years old. All grandparents were in their right mindset. His family worked on rotation caring for him. He had three sons. One son lived in NJ, so he was always available and a phone call away.

My godmother had died a few months before granddad. She lived across the street from me. I think she had been out playing bridge the night before her demise. The next day, she had a massage heart attack and died before Christmas in 1971. Great-grandmother passed November 1971 before Thanksgiving.

Most of the elders I knew died in their seventies and they were all active doing things until they either got sick or passed suddenly.

People these days are living longer way past the point of workable brains and bodies.

I didn't experience my first dementia case working as a caregiver until the late eighties.
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