Is there a way to get my Mom to talk about something other than all the things that are wrong?

LaraLu: That's incredulous! One thing you could attempt, though very difficult, is to just not respond to such an acrimonious person. Keep your lips sealed and then if she asks why you stay silent, you can say something akin to "when your mood is less nasty, then I will communicate with you!!!"

Too funny Jess... I don't believe it... tell me it isn't so... :)

Oh, no! I watched Debbie Downer and she reminded me too much of me. No wonder no one likes me. Sniff. I hope the turkey doesn't walk off the table this Thanksgiving.

I totally understand... it's so hard for us to absorb negatives... so toxic... My mother's brother just passed (another one of four that past and two sisters) and I'm the only one that she really goes,to for her pain... Everyone else around her forgets I'm the one who does everything and no one thinks I have feelings or is affected by all this trauma... and, it is 'trauma' in so many ways for us caregivers... My two brothers think I'm invincible, immortal, superwoman...

Both of my parents do that. It's hard sometimes to keep your chin up when it's day after day-my parents live with me. And when my mom doesn't sleep well it's even worse-"my life isn't worth living" or "I wish I wouldn't wake up", or my dad will weep because he can't get out and shingle a house anymore. They were never social people, so they really only have family. I usually have to guilt my sisters and brother into a phone call or visit.

'Debbie Downers' are very difficult to be around... it's so ingrained in them and very toxic (wearing and stressful) to the person listening to the negative comments. Boundaries and not engaging (cutting conversation short and leaving) is the only way I can think of to deal with these personalities. (There was a Saturday night skit about this a long time ago... google 'Saturday Night Live Debbie Downer' to see some of them... might give you a chuckle).

OMG, I apologize for not having any answers for you. I just found your post because I am dealing with the same issue. ALL my mom talks about it negative stuff. It drives me crazy. I pick her up for an appointment or even on the way to do something supposedly fun, like lunch and off to TJ Maxx and by the time I am half way there, I am ready to scream. I try to change the subject, telling her something cute one of my grandkids (one of her 21 great grandkids) did or said and after she says Oh how sweet, she launches into how she never sees the kdis any more or how everyone has their own life and is too busy to see her or she starts to forlornly reminisce about how much she used to babysit but now you would think they would remember and come see her. She complains about EVERYTHING!!!! The most beautiful weather in the world and she complains that she dare not open her doors and windows because bugs and dust will get in. And heaven help me, if there really is an issue at hand, she completely perseverates over it and talks it to death. If I am just quiet thinking that eventually she wear herself down and stop talking...nope, she just goes on and on and on repeating herself. My only advice: pray, don't try to correct her in any way, and learn to set some sort of boundaries...I am working on it but not very successfully. Also reading a good book on dealing with difficult parents. Good luck!

wiseone: Huh? What are you adding to a post that's over a year old?

I can understand everyone's frustration and discouragement about these situations. My mother is in a large 6 bedroom home she could sell easily for over a million dollars, but she refuses to budge. She has also fallen. The doctor could find nothing particularly wrong with her. I am wondering if it is, to a great extent, an attention getter situation. She's been to about 50 chiropractors, massage therapists, Internal medicine, doctors, orthopedic physicians, you name it. Nothing wrong except some stenosis of her back. This all started around six months after dad died. It is a difficult situation, and sometimes our parents who have been so in control and knew what they needed to do that to see them seeing unsympathetic to others, unkind to others because they think everyone should be happy to be with them all of the time as if we all have nothing else to do. It is very upsetting when you know your parent is probably making a bad decision to stay in her three story house where one day she will likely fall, no one will know, and that will be the end of her.
We also visit weekly, my bother and his family live next door to her and my sister and her family visit often, but I get the vague feeling that she wants more. She is very ambulatory, still drives and could go places herself to meet others and enjoy the rest of the life, but mainly sits at home watching tv. I guess we should all just accept what is going on with our loved ones as that is what they want to do with their lives. What do you all think?

She is probably depressed. I think day cares are great. If she complains about that just tell her you are going to try it and see. What are her diagnosis? Is she drinking plenty of water? Does she have a UTI? Is she diabetic? Ask her doctor to prescribe a light sedative to help...

Sandra93...there are many senior centers, ours is at the park. about 40 seniors meet for lunch there Monday thru Friday. Lunch is $1.50 for most and I'm sure free if you can't afford it. Also offer all kinds of services and information at those centers. have you tried these? Oh...we also have a senior bus that picks up seniors and takes them there...for free!

Are there any local book clubs or hobby classes or community volunteer projects you could get involved with?

I truly understand your pain. My MIL is very negative. She lives in fear, she complains and she wont do anything for her self. I had to tell her if she needed attention that she wouldn't get it from me. I explained to her that if she didn't think enough of herself nobody else would. She still thinks someone owns her something

I think day care programs are great. If I could afford it, I would go so I would have something positive to talk about. As I said, I find myself being all about the negative because nothing positive is happening. I still have. Good mind so I am trying to watch my conversations with my children and friends as well. I do not want my family and
friends to avoid me because of negative thoughts. I'm open for any suggestions you folks come up with for me.
Thanks

Have you tried any day care programs?

So interesting and timely. I have a house guest at the moment, a mother of three who is very happily married and adores her children. She was very sick this spring. She had no energy for many weeks and lost a LOT of weight. She looks dreadful. She had all, all the tests done with all kinds of doctors (in Germany) and they finally decided it was just stress. What stressed her out so badly? Not the children. Her mother calls her every day and is very negative and complaining all the time for long bouts on the phone and it is very difficult for her to get her mom to take more positive attitude. Naturally, I thought of this thread right away.

Cheers to all!

Heart2Heart, Suit yourself. Just don't complain about it.

I think most of us have tried LOTS of things to cheer our moms and dads up that have worked for only a few minutes or not at all. While anti-depressants aren't perfect, they help a lot more than our continuing to stand on our heads trying to "fix" things.

Dana... I understood perfectly what you said... Your statement "maybe your mother doesn't want her world opened up" is just speculation on your part. My mother has opened up tremendously since she's been introduced (by me) to people in various social settings (she is all the more healthier for it... mentally and physically)... Yes, one thing that works for one person may not work at all for the other... We all have different opinions (in caregiving) on different topics on Agincare.com with varying caregiver situations and those of us caring for our parents/loved ones are pretty in tuned with their needs and wants.... It's just that it's mostly one person doing all the work... Of course through our attempts of successes and failures it takes a toll on us. We're here on this site with different insights/stories to 'share' even though we may disagree. What works for one person may not work for others.

Sadly, Getnstrong sums up my situation perfectly. Probably my well intentioned yet ultimately ill advised efforts to basically try to give my mother everything that would make her environment exactly as she wanted it have now come back to bite me on the you-know-what now that AL has become necessary......she was just moved in over this past weekend. The somewhat regimented environment (i.e., med administration before she wants to wake up, usually 9:30 am or even later, scheduled meal times that she is retrieved for because she'd prefer to munch on some cheese and potato chips, forced bathing, which we were unable to get her to do other than some sanitary wipes, etc.) is making her turn on me as her punching bag. She was an only child as well so this likely just exacerbates her narcissism and lack of an ability to think anyone has a schedule. And, as I saw in a previous post, she can't do anything but bring up the most unpleasant family memories which I've essentially told her I will not engage in. So, for the moment, I need to extricate myself for my own sanity, knowing she has everything she needs to be safe, nourished, etc. So sad that there are so many posters experiencing the same thing....maybe we all have a little condo waiting up in heaven for us eventually. God Bless and hugs to you all.....

Heart2Heart, I don't think you understand what I am getting at. Your sentence, "We work tirelessly to make our parents happy" is indicative. We are not responsible for our parents happiness but we think we are. We work to provide them the things we think they need but maybe that isn't what they need at all. Maybe we don't need to work so hard. You mention all the wonderful things you do to help open up your mother's world (good ideas) but maybe your mother doesn't want her world opened up. I was knocking myself out for my father until I realized he just wanted me to listen to him talk about his father and his childhood. So many of us are used to trying to juggle several things at once, maximizing our time, that it is really hard to just sit down and do nothing but talk. I'm suggesting stepping back and listening to see if you can't work smarter instead of harder.

Dana, well said and expressive of a great deal of insight.

I try to use music and humor. Have your mother listen to music that brings back good memories and feelings. Try to remember what used to make her laugh and let her hear it again. Remind her she is still valuable to you.

I agree with Dreyfuss, leave the room. Listening to something you just don't want to hear can steal a caregiver's sanity.

Now that I think about it Helpmemom... One of the best thing that's happened to make my mom feel better is for other people to engage in a 'normal' conversation with her. Since she's around me (the daughter) all the time, I'm not treated like a 'visitor' and I may also keep reminding her of her past (?)... Anyway, I see her light up when she has a more 'social' atmosphere around her (aside from me). I know their world is small, so any kind of setting outside the house like watching people walk their dogs (sometimes driving her around the park where there's activity), neighbors coming over to the house (backyard party?)... anything to open the senses once again... (when people talk with her, I try to step back to give her 'her' space... (I sometimes listen from afar just to hear how she talks with people outside of me). I try to 'change up' the environment for her... even by changing things around the house to be a bit more cheery... I try for a flower 'theme' in the house.

I would say "No". The only way to deal with it is to turn the TV up nice and loud or leave the room.

"don't talk about the family" yup such an "old" saying! all i ever heard from my parents..."what are the neighbors going to think?" omg... even at a young age, i found that statement very confusing...and in my teens realized..."who cares what the neighbors think!!" our neighbors across the street were "very secretive" about their sons mental health problems, good Irish Catholics....he took a shot gun at the age of 29 and shot his head off in their kitchen!!! also, believe it or not, their other son, the youngest, hung himself wen he was in the army at the age of 27...because his girlfriend broke up with him!! are you kidding me???? this didn't have to happen if they had asked for help and it was NOT so embarrassing!! makes me sick!

I think we understand that Dana... Many of us are living in 'their' shoes... We work tirelessly at making our parent(s), happy. It is wearing to the caregiver to have negatives all the time and compromises the health of the one who is giving up their time (mostly, by one person in the family) and resources to give comfort, care, money, time... and, yes happiness to them. The question here is how to get them to talk about something that is happy.

Try putting yourself in their shoes. If you are experiencing any dementia at all, it is much easier to be with people who you have known for a long time over staff who is hired to encourage you to attend events. You probably get tired easily and aren't interested in going all the time like you did when you were younger. You want to talk with someone who can relate to the things you remember, which might be your childhood or your marriage. Your life partner is gone. You know things need to be done but you don't remember how to do them or even how to get started. You life seems to have become an unending round of doctor appointments and pills. Everyone deserves some fun and joy in life. Think about how you can bring joy to others. It isn't about presents or the number of visits or tasks you do. It's about providing a safety net and helping that person to feel valuable. The other day I wrote a list of three things my father needed to do the next day. One involved buying stamps and two involved talking to the maintenance man. He accomplished both with great determination and was actually happy to have something to do and a feeling of accomplishment, that he doesn't get from doing arts and crafts. When you've been a responsible and independent adult most of your life, it is hard to wake up each day with nothing to do.

Basically people age in one of two ways.

1. Like my dad, they look back over their life and what they learned long the way and feel good overall about their past. The only two hurts that he carries that he has talked about is son, do you know why you mother left me, and the pain of loosing his mother to suicide. Other than that, he is very content.

Some psychiatrist who concern themselves with psychological development over the years call this stage "Ego integrity"

2. Others look back over their lives and have an outlook of despair. This contributes to both depression and hopelessness.

Years ago, I met two sisters in a nursing home. They were full of despair and bitterness over how their lives turned out.

Unlike their siblings, they decided to stay home, never marry, never have a life apart from mom and dad for they were promised if they did that they would inherit the house and the farm.

In the end, they got what they were promised, but when they considered the lives of their siblings which was so full and alive, they felt empty and all alone. They regretted very much their earlier decision but there was nothing they could do about it. They never really had a life after their parents died for they did not have their own life before their parents died. I've seen the same thing happen to men who stay home with mom, even if they work outside of the home very often end up in despair for they never had a life apart from their mom.

How very sad.