If she is physically able to come down the stairs this is what I would begin doing. Meals, all meals will be served at the kitchen table, dining room table or where ever you and the rest of the family eats. Meals will be eaten at the table. No food will be served in a bedroom. You state in your profile that mom has depression. Staying by one's self can be a sign of depression, not wanting to join the rest of the family. Self isolating is not good. I would make an appointment with mom's doctor. Possibly get her to see a therapist. There are medications for depression. But bottom line if mom wants to eat Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner she does so with the rest of the family. If she can not get up and down the stairs I would look for a place on the first floor where her bed can be placed so she does not have to do the stairs. Hope you have a full bathroom on the main floor if this has to be done. Last option...if mom refuses to join the family discuss with her that maybe she might be happier in Assisted Living where she can be by her self and staff will serve her in her room. This is your house...your rules.
If Mom is capable to do stairs, then eating in her room is her choice. Your choice is to say No, I eat with my husband/children. If she was a child, I would not allow her to eat in her room, but its an 81 yr old woman. Keep inviting her down but don't give in to her.
You need to set boundries for you. Yes, she is your mother but you are now an adult. For whatever reason, Mom is now living in your home and needs to acclimate to the change. 81 is not so old you can't change, its just a little harder.
it is role reversal time - you are now the parent of her. Ask her why she doesn't want to go downstairs and if she say it is because I am your mother - tell her that isn't an answer. She needs to tell you why. Maybe she is hiding some mobility issue? Maybe she is hesitant because too many people at the same time might be confusing.
If she continues to refuse, inform her that meals are eaten downstairs with everyone else, and if she doesn't want to do that, then she can eat alone in her room. There is nothing in between - like you eating with her. If she if fully capable of going downstairs but she chooses to eat in her room, bring the meal to her, turn around and leave. Don't hang around for talk or discussion. Then after a bit, go and get the plates and leave.
Sounds kind of harsh, but elderly parents can be SO adept at manipulation with guilt. Don't buy into it.
Depression? Mobility? That old condition called "too tired"?
My reply would be that I choose to eat my meals at the table. If she wants to eat with me, that's where I will be. That I don't indeed to be house-bound or bed-bound anytime soon. Does she? Well? Move it or lose it as they say.
Make it easy for her to change her mind. No negative fuss. Just "how nice to see you". Set out the cutlery, put a flower on the table. Hopefully she will see that life is for the living & a shared meal is a pleasant thing & worth the trip.
Thank you all for your advise. I am new at caring for my mom in this way. I get a bit frazzled with dinner time and her saying," I'm your mother!". In my head I have the little girl in me shrinking as if I'm in trouble along with the adult in me saying yes and..... This is So hard!!!!!! 😢
Are there any mobility issues like not being able to negotiate the stairs? Does she have trouble handling her food and feeding herself and doesn't want to be embarrassed? Is the general talk and speed of things around the table with others confuse her? If these possibilities are not an issue, leave her be to do what she wants. If they are an issue try to address whatever it is to make it easier for her to participate.
From a behavior analysis viewpoint, the way to modify a behavior is through the antecedents prior to behavior and its consequences (not "punishment" consequences, just the result of one's behavior). If mom makes excuses then go along with them. "Sorry you're not feeling well. We'll be eating downstairs if you change your mind."
And allow her to be alone at meals if she wants that. She may figure out that you won't bend to her desires here and join you downstairs, or she'll be content to eat alone. I don't see either as a terrible option - do you?
Guess Mom kind of rules the roost, so to speak? Well, as long as that works for you, that's great. For me, I would be eating at my table with my family, and more than happy to serve Mom her dinner first, in her room, at a lovely little "table for one". Don't see why that doesn't work for you AND for Mom. However, if this is merely a power struggle for you and your Mom then as Lealonnie says, your house, your rules. You win!
And YOU expect HER to eat with you at the dinner table like a normal human being. If SHE chooses to eat in her room, then it's alone. Sorry mom, my house, my rules.
If the food is downstairs, she'll come downstairs. If she takes it back up there on her own, so be it.
Reminds me of 50 years ago when my cat was stuck high up in a tree. I was weeping and begging my dad to save her, and he just said, "She'll come down when she's hungry. No one ever found a cat skeleton in a tree."
Meals, all meals will be served at the kitchen table, dining room table or where ever you and the rest of the family eats. Meals will be eaten at the table.
No food will be served in a bedroom.
You state in your profile that mom has depression.
Staying by one's self can be a sign of depression, not wanting to join the rest of the family. Self isolating is not good.
I would make an appointment with mom's doctor. Possibly get her to see a therapist. There are medications for depression.
But bottom line if mom wants to eat Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner she does so with the rest of the family.
If she can not get up and down the stairs I would look for a place on the first floor where her bed can be placed so she does not have to do the stairs. Hope you have a full bathroom on the main floor if this has to be done.
Last option...if mom refuses to join the family discuss with her that maybe she might be happier in Assisted Living where she can be by her self and staff will serve her in her room.
This is your house...your rules.
You need to set boundries for you. Yes, she is your mother but you are now an adult. For whatever reason, Mom is now living in your home and needs to acclimate to the change. 81 is not so old you can't change, its just a little harder.
Be it mobility, eyesight, confusion, etc.
If she continues to refuse, inform her that meals are eaten downstairs with everyone else, and if she doesn't want to do that, then she can eat alone in her room. There is nothing in between - like you eating with her. If she if fully capable of going downstairs but she chooses to eat in her room, bring the meal to her, turn around and leave. Don't hang around for talk or discussion. Then after a bit, go and get the plates and leave.
Sounds kind of harsh, but elderly parents can be SO adept at manipulation with guilt. Don't buy into it.
My reply would be that I choose to eat my meals at the table. If she wants to eat with me, that's where I will be. That I don't indeed to be house-bound or bed-bound anytime soon. Does she? Well? Move it or lose it as they say.
Make it easy for her to change her mind. No negative fuss. Just "how nice to see you". Set out the cutlery, put a flower on the table. Hopefully she will see that life is for the living & a shared meal is a pleasant thing & worth the trip.
This is So hard!!!!!! 😢
Take that mindset and I am confident that you will calmly work it out with her.
And allow her to be alone at meals if she wants that. She may figure out that you won't bend to her desires here and join you downstairs, or she'll be content to eat alone. I don't see either as a terrible option - do you?
You're an adult. You and your family (kids and spouse) come first.
For me, I would be eating at my table with my family, and more than happy to serve Mom her dinner first, in her room, at a lovely little "table for one". Don't see why that doesn't work for you AND for Mom.
However, if this is merely a power struggle for you and your Mom then as Lealonnie says, your house, your rules. You win!
Reminds me of 50 years ago when my cat was stuck high up in a tree. I was weeping and begging my dad to save her, and he just said, "She'll come down when she's hungry. No one ever found a cat skeleton in a tree."