Mom is broke and manipulative. Any advice?

There are indications that this mom is not a healthy person to live with. I had a friend live with me for five years because her mom was such a difficult person that she was totally messed up. If you've had a good mom, praise God for her! It's hard to believe sometimes how much damage a messed-up mom can do to her children. I've seen a few, and I've seen their children's struggle. One of my best friends right now has a mom who plays guilt trips, plays head games with him, and he's had to stop going to see her in self-defense. Trying to help someone who is stubborn, uncooperative, irresponsible and ungrateful is a thankless task. A couple of things I've learned from difficult people I've had in my life: say what you have to say, shut up and don't argue--and pray hard against the bad stuff coming out of their lives.

Alpha3, Mom has no money. How is she going to be able to move to Oregon? The poster and her significant other are struggling to support themselves and hope to be able to move into a better environment and start a family. They are currently spending $500 of their own money each month to help Mom, and that isn't enough to keep her in hot water and electricity. What do you expect them to spend after they pay to move her to Oregon (assuming she is willing to move to Oregon if she can't live with them)?

You make a very big assumption that Mom "raised you lovingly." We can hope that Mom did the best she could, but given the description of her manipulation now, and the fact she has alienated everyone else, I don't think we can automatically assume "loving" was her main operating mode.

Nor can we assume that she will allow her daughter to "help her in making useful acquaintances." People who alienate everyone who knows them do not automatically make friends by being shown new clubs.

This young woman's clock is ticking. She wants to start a family. This is the time in her life when she needs to focus on raising the next generation. For everything there is a season. By this time she should be independent and able to be interdependent with a spouse and responsible for dependents. She should not be expecting her parents to help her financially or in other ways. She isn't. She is where she should be in this season of her life. It is Mother who is out of sync.

Alpha3, like you I did caregiving for my husband with dementia. I was able to keep him home with me for ten years on this journey. There are very few things I wouldn't have done for him, very few sacrifices I wouldn't have made. He was my life partner; my soul mate. May mother now has dementia. My sisters and I advocate for her and visit her often in the nursing home. We love her and are grateful that she was a loving parent the years we were growing up. But the degree of sacrifice and intimate involvement in her care is simply different than my involvement in my husband's care, or what I would expect any of my sisters would do in caring for their spouse.

onlychild223's Mom needs professional help. onlychild223 is not a mental health professional, she lives 2000 miles away, and her relationship with her mother is not one of mutual respect.

Yup. A lot of us responders think onlychild223's first responsibility is to her self.

I see a lot of people talking about "tough love". I don't think it's the best way to describe what is most likely needed by your mom and by you. What is needed are boundaries. I have a mom for whom I will have no choice but to become her mom now. She is early stages of Alzheimers, and we are working things out even though we have always had a "strained" relationship. I think what is needed is for your mom to be evaluated by health professionals. It's a shame that we have all been taught in this backward culture that everyone must break their back in order to survive. That IMO is not our true purpose. Our true purpose is to love, love what we do, love who we are, love the people around us. I know that may sound new agey to some. But it's very simply reality. But until we live in a culture that understands that, we have to do things we hate doings, jobs we may not even be very good at (who wants to be good at something they don't want to do?), and live in places we don't want to live to do it. It's not cool. But it's also not cool to make others feel like they owe you. Your mom is using you own guilt to get by. You're not really helping her by enabling this symbiosis. And you're obviously not helping yourself either. I think you're both likely to benefit from some counseling. Took me many years of counseling to understand I was not responsible for the feelings my mom had. I'm only responsible for my own behavior. None of us can ever control how others perceive. Maybe there is a social services agency like Self Help that you can connect your mom with? They can help her get evaluated, not to see if she is "mentally ill", because in reality, we all are. How can we not be in this screwed up world where everyone is out for themselves? That's not all of human nature, but a tiny part that has been exaggerated by our media and our economic systems. Our nature is to cooperate with others, to live in community, to relate closely. We need other people. That is undeniable. Your mom needs help, she needs to find out how her habits are hurting her, and you need to do the same for yourself. Neither of you will be able to get out of this pattern until one of you (or both) break it.

Gomelgo In talking about boundaries I think you are actually including tough love. you have the benefits of years of councilling which this mother may not be able to afford or be prepared to accept. Fact of life not critisism. the daughter may feel she has to help mom out of obligation rather than love and certainly should not sacrifice her own life. Obligation means putting Mom in touch with people who can help her not becoming the life blood of a manipulator. no one is suggesting putting mom on the garbage heap but by continuing to enable mom this daughter may find herself on the garbage heap her self as a single mom and no boy friend.
I do not believe everyone is mentally ill. too many people refuse to accept that mental illness is actually a disese that many people suffer from. Our society has always been and probably will continue to be "survival of the fittest" just as we see in the animal world. Only we allow the runt of the litter to live with our help when the mother does not stop his brothers and sisters making him feed last when there is little milk left. yes we do try and help those less fortunate and some charities do devote most of their donations to their cause but there are many others who are run by highly paid people who only give lip service to the cause. Very few people are the Mother Theresa of this world. Look at the finances of some of the well known for profit hospices and you will get the drift. they even ripoff other hospices by selling their computer systems and having nice seminars for yearly updates. It is definitely a dog eat dog world out there. This daughter needs to help her mother get and use the resorces she needs not continue to enable someone who can't or won't help herself for whatever reason.

I agree about the enabling part. But not about perpetuating the idea that this whole world is a "dog eat dog". But then I also don't think I have all the answers either.

GoMelGo, at this point in my life, I do have all the answers. What troubles me now is trying to match them up to the right questions!

Agree Jeannie, although I still think there is more to learn.

Several years ago, m-i-l asked for $. Husband was ready to give asap. I asked for her income and outgo which she refused. Found out later she was sending his older bro monthly $, and begging $ from his sister. So, immediately stop sending $ until you verify exactly what she is doing. Don't accept Mom's word for anything--trust but verify! M-i-l was retired but had more $ coming in from pension and soc sec than I was generating working fulltime.

All of these are good answers. However if you have been manipulated by your mother and she makes you think supporting family members who will not help themselves is being a 'family' you might want to find someone to talk to before you dive into having children or any permanent changes. You need to be sure you aren't in the same kind of relationship with the livein. If he's not supportive and he hasn't suggested you talk to an independent person - you need to reconsider that relationship too. I know this sounds harsh, but ending up with a guy who is like your mom, is much, much worse. People who love you don't try to control or drain you.