Mom fighting against assisted living. What are our options?

Talk to case management/social work department at the hospital. They know the legal aspects of placing your mom. If your dad/her husband is not in her life, then the children have the right to place her and make decisions for her. Ask case management it ALL the children need to agree on decisions (as is the case in some states) or if MAJORITY of children must agree (case in other states). If any of the children GIVES their right to decide or opts out of decision-making, then the remaining children are the ones to make decisions. Check with that brother to see if he has a legal document to cover his financial decision-making. If not, then you need a family meeting to thrash out options and responsibilities.

For her safety and safety of others, including finances, just make the arrangements for her to enter an assisted facility, take her there,. First, make the arrangements with the facility, her bed, room, plan, etc. then take her there, don't tell her this is your new home, Just leave h er with the attendants/management who does the admittances, do not visit for at least 2 weeks, and be sure they have her in a locked portion of the facility with others like her. They learn to adjust. So, she may not eat a few meals. It's okay. She will eventually. My husband was NOT combatant, so it wasn't such a problem. But, they told me not to stay long after they admitted him, do not visit for 2-3 weeks, do not stay long on the first visit, do not take out to eat or buy ice cream, etc. By the time I got there in a few weeks, he didn't even remember me. I was j ust his friend visiting. The assisted living facility is locked so patients cannot leave, etc. Trust the facility to take care of her, otherwise you will go mad worrying. People do this every day, so it's not new to the facility. This is a way to keep them safe. If not, the person allowed to stay at home, will eventually leave the house, maybe get killed crossing a street against a traffic light (they don't know better now), and the survivor will suffer for the rest of his/her life because "I should have put her there earlier." Believe me, it is safer to have her in a locked facility than to keep at home where they can walk out the door any time and get killed by a car or abducted by someone. Please be smart about this, not hurting inside. I did it, so can you!! It hurts, but you then know you did the right thing. To keep them safe.

Kakimax: Unfortunately your mother lacks the capacity for logical thought processes due to dementia. Retain an attorney.

my brother lived alone in house and refused to go to nursing facility. he had to go to hospital for an issue he had and it is then that Dr said he cannot live alone (this is two years of him not wanting aides etc) so his daughter told him she was selling house and he would have to go to a facility. you can only take and do so much!!!! he is near us and his daughter has power of attorney. medicare is paying now after the sale of house money was done. check around and maybe there is a place that provides a short stop over till you get her into the place you want. Good luck with that part of your comment!

You need to go to the court house and file a form to get emergency gaurdianship of her. That will give you the power to make decisions for her. For future use, you can also file with the IRS for gaurdianship and power of attorney.

You need to go to the courts and file an emergency gaurdianship form. It's fast and it gives you the power to make decisions for her.

I would have three doctors (primary, hospital &/or facility) write a letter of Incapacity regarding your mom. As executor of her trust & POA (Healthcare & durable) go to bank and become the trustee of trust. I am in California & was advised by an elder care attorney. I suggest you call the firm that
created her trust and see how they can advise you. Good luck.

Consult an eldercare attorney. If she doesn't give durable POA then file for guardianship.

I just wanted to add that I am my mom’s healthcare and durable POA. She has the beginning of Alzheimer’s, had a fall, and spent a month in rehab. She got really confused while there (probably had delirium) so they said that she required AL. All of the responsibilities fell onto me to get her placed. In the meantime, representatives from different AL places came to interview my mother. She was rude to them, telling them to f@$& off, that she refused to go. So the facilities would turn her down. The rehab wouldn’t discharge her until she had placement and I was expected to get mom to agree to go. I tried every approach, but my mom sat in rehab for 3 months while trying to figure it out. Just because I had POA, I couldn’t make the facilities accept her. Not sure if this resonates with you.. but after 3 months, she finally agreed to go. I’m not sure how else I should have handled it… there was no guidance to help explain things to me.

I am sure many have encountered this.
See an attorney that specializes in elder care / elder care trusts.
Never ever 'totally' rely on responses here. Every situation is somewhat different as are state laws.

Of course she is "fight this denying the dementia." This is what dementia is.
She is confused and scared.

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You might want to put in notice to AL. Look at the contract...might say 60 days which means she still has to pay for months not there. If you are not sure she may return, still pot in the notice. She may always need locked down care

Does it matter what power brother has. If the facility allows him to sign paperwork and say he is financially responsible than Mom can be placed. Drs and a SW have said Mom cannot go home. If worst comes to worst, let the State take over. What Mom wants is irrelivant. Its what she needs.

First of all, tell your brother you want to see the POA documents. Read them over and then you'll know exactly what was set up by your mother and what decision making power he has or doesn't have. Whether or not the hospital recommends a facility and will send your mother to that place there will still be admission paperwork that will have to be completed by you or your brother. Let the hospital place her for now. DO NOT give this facility her social security number or any bank account information or routing numbers. DO NOT give them persmission to directly withdraw from her accounts every month. Tell them to send a bill once a month for her stay and that gets paid with a bank cashier's check.

Secondly, I don't know who you talked to at the hospital that told you petitioning for conservatorship/guardianship costs a fortune. It doesn't.
How that works is you go to the probate court and file the petition for conservatorship with them. The court will appoint a lawyer for your mother (unless you have one that will be used) that represents her interests. That lawyer gets paid for by HER funds. Not yours.

The judge considers all the diagnoses and everything else and then there's a conservatorship hearing. The judge will decide the petition there and then usually. It's not such a difficult process.

Let the hospital place her until you get the conservatorship petition done in the probate court. Then go from there.

Assisted living won't take your mom now, Kaki. She needs memory care or nursing home with special unit.
You and brother have to work together now Kaki. There's no way around that.
I disagree that conservatorship or guardianship is not needed. SOMEone must now serve for her, whether you or brother or the state. At this point you seem uncertain just whether or not brother already IS guardian?
I don't understand how your Mom can be placed otherwise.

As your mother is wealthy enough I think you should see an Elder Law Attorney right away with the information of the diagnosis of frontotemporal dementia, and the information that a psychiatrist/neuro has said she cannot be safely discharged. I don't believe she can be safely discharged to you at this point, either. She is no longer competent to make any of her own decisions, including whether or not she is in care or who is her POA/guardian.

Even without this dementia, you told us in your April 15 posting that there have been many breakdowns and hospitalizations for mental illness with hospitalizations in the last year. At the time she was diagnosed you told us you weren't aware there are different kinds of dementia. Sadly, the one mom is currently diagnosed with is notorious for causing outbreaks of violence that are very difficult to manage and get controlled, even with medications.

Mom now needs placement in good care and a guardian to manage her finances for her, all of this being paid by her assets. SOMEone is currently guardian. You need to be told who that someone is, because I think that isn't being shared completely with you. I wonder about the relationship between your brother and yourself? Is it currently broken?

I really don't know what to tell you other than that I think you and brother should get together, then go to social workers wherever mom is currently now held. I think you should speak to them together.
Or I suggest you see an elder law attorney for your options here, because if state takes conservatorship of your mother neither you nor bro will have much input at all. If she has assets they will go to her care, and decisions re her home, car, etc as well as her placement will be out of your hands. You can beg she be placed close enough for visits; that's about the extent of your control at that point.

I am so very sorry all of this has happened to the three of you. This is so terribly sad. The only thing I can say is that you now know why all these hospital admissions occured.

I hope I mentioned Liz Scheier's great memoir, Never Simple, in which she tried to help her mentally challenged mom for decades with the help of social services in New York. It was all to no avail. I am just hoping you will read this book; not a new one and should be cheap used on Amazon.
I truly wish you all luck.

Please get together with your brother and speak about who will now serve as mom's guardian.
I hope you will update us.

He has signong power for her accounts and is executor for the trust. She does not qualify for medicaid this is all self pay. She has the money the money to pay for it. He knows exactly how much she has and has access. The AL will cost less than she brings in

So what does the placement person suggest now? Wait until your Mom (who was diagnosed as not being able to make decisions in her own best interests) agrees to placement? This already isn't happening.

Talk to a social worker. Her remaining option may be for a judge to assign her a third party legal guardian who will then get her into a facility whether she "agrees" or not. Guardianship is necessary for someone to make decisions on her behalf from here on in but yes, it can be very expensive if you pursue it personally. Does your Mom have the funds to eventually pay for this? If so, you may want to consider moving ahead with that.

A 3rd party guardian will act to protect your Mom. This means you will be locked out of her house, her accounts and any decisions in managing her affairs. But the guardian will consult you, since you know your Mom best, and you will still be allowed to carry on your relationship with her (as long as it remains healthy and edifying for her).

I'm so sorry for this distressing situation. I wish you all the best as you seek a solution.