My Mom cannot afford assisted living. What do I do?

Adult Daycare, and I can tell you that this is Great for the seniors, most of them are open from 8am to 5pm. Monday thru Friday, and the fee range from $8.00 to $9.00, serving, Lunches , snacks ect. Check this out also.

You may be able to get your Mom in a day program. My husband has MCI and didn't know what to do with himself during the day. He started with one day a week and quickly wanted to go 'see his friends' more often. Next week we will try 4 days. The caregivers in our local facility are all women and I am sure they are angels. They have a fun and stimulating schedule. May help slow down the dementia. Price is reasonable. The VA is paying.

To LivingSouth: interesting about church-run AL. We don't have those where Dad is; only Independent living run by a church. But the person who started this thread needs more care than either AL or IL apparently.

That's the best thing for you to do. Board and care is not cheap either and it most often is limited to 6 beds. They offer 24 hour care with food and assist with meds. But most of the time 1500 would not cover it Most of the time it's 1800- 2500 depending on care needed. So if you can get into a state funded place that is your best bet. It won't be the best care but with limited funds may be the best you can do.

I ended up calling our commission on aging through our county. They paid for a shower aid 2 hrs x 2 days per week, then helped us apply for Medicaid. What a blessing, they now pay for an aid 14 hrs per week for care and respite. And based on need we can get more help. This is MI social services, the state finds it better to help caregivers and clients live at home and its cheaper than placement. It sure has helped mom and i both get a little respite. The alternatives are all expensive. Good luck and God bless you.

There is someone that i know in Katy Tx and she is the cheapest of them all as far as houston goes I know people that stay there under 2000 a month, and she has locking doors so they cant get out proper nutrition pharmacy, skilled nursing and hospice services on site if ever necessary The rest of the places are 4k and above if you ever need her number email me and I will give it to you

In our Midwestern area, AL for someone with Alzehimers or Dementia would be approaching $4,000 per year. Hardly anybody can afford that!
I would contact the county social services. Start an application. If they turn you down, they will still advise you on at what point you would qualify for the county to start paying.
Find a facility that will definitely accept state aid....not all AL will accept it! Or, they will charge $4000/month for several months until you run out; when you get on state aid, you MIGHT still get to stay at same place----but NOT in your original private room, they'll move you to a dormitory style room.
If your mom were mine, I would just move her right now, to someplace, run the money down to where you can qualify for aid, and that's will have to be.

Check out PACE but better sign up now for it. In Louisiana where my Dad is they told me there is a 2 year waiting list for PACE!

Contact senior services in your area to see what is available. Start researching before you need it. Most Assisted living facilities are self pay. Medicaid generally only pays for Skilled nursing care (after spend down of your assets). Not all Skilled Care facilities accept Medicaid or they could have waiting lists for new patients. There are some services for home helpers that may be paid for by Medicaid if you qualify.

Does your mom have a house she can sell and use the proceeds to pay for the assisted living until she needs skilled care?

Contact your local Area Agency on Aging or Bureau of Senior Services, they have programs that she may be eligible for that may help. There are senior care programs, respite programs and waiver programs. Take advantage of everything she is eligible for, that is what these programs are designed for.

If your Mom owns a house, she can rent it and that will pay for her care and some more. The key to renting is to partner with a government agency and you will have more than enough from rent to pay for your Mom's needs

There are a few assisted living facilities that accept medicaid. Start doing research at ALs and ask if they take Medicaid.

chrisA1, this is generally a good idea, however many communites do not allow un-related people to rent your home. my folks live in such a place, their own home is older but an "association" was built around them which has restrictive covenants (I think I got that word right?) such that they cannot rent out their home.
ALSO, and this might be more applicable to more people, Rental income is taxable by feds and state!

I've never heard of any Assisted Living facilities that take Medicaid, at least in South east Louisiana where my Dad lives. I wish! Plenty of Nursing homes do but not AL. Perhaps other of the states offer this?

I thought that assisted living facilities were private pay only, too. But as it turns out, there really ARE a few (not very many) that take medicaid. I'm in Long Island, NY and I'm refering to the Long Island/New York City area. It doesn't hurt to ask around. I don't know what your mom's medical issue is, but you might want to check out a caregivers support group and speak to other caregivers. I attend a caregivers support group run my my local chapter of the Alzeimer's association, and that's where I got the info on the assisted livings that accept medicaid. Another option is respite care at a skilled nuring facility. Many nursing homes have a "respite" program where they allow the ill person to stay for a week or so while the caregiver gets a break. Look into that, and good luck to you!

All of the advice you are getting is useless. Contact hotlines, social services, etc. Anyone who has done that knows you will get nothing but the usual rhetoric, friends, family, blah, blah, blah. Sorry, you are stuck my friend. Until caregivers UNITE, and truly understand the positions of other caregivers, many people that are on this forum are here just to be here. There is nothing wrong with that, but please offer advice that is usable to the person looking for answers. If many would actually understand and would ACTUALLY put themselves in the same situations that they are freely giving advice on or about the answers would "elevate" and solutions could possibly happen. USUABLE answers to this forum is much needed. I see so many "Cookie Cutter" responses it becomes ridiculous. Come on folks. Everyone (most) know about all the "basics". Find solutions if you want to help, stop giving useless information. Money is the key problem here.
I wish I had an answer at the moment, but I don't. I seek everyday for some answer that is NOT the same old BS that does not help. Come on people, think "Outside the Box". Bless all caregivers and may we all unite to help each other.

Well, Destroyed, my mom is dying in the other room. All the money in the world is not going to stop that. But the family who sits with me as I sit with her? Those who hug me tight and tell me I'm doing the right thing? Priceless. The man in my life who runs my errands and becomes six extra pair of hands when I need them? Who sheds the same tears I'm shedding? Money can't buy that either.

Our government doesn't float old people away on icebergs. If someone is destitute? They will get the very same care my mom would get in the nursing home that will charge her $9,000/month because she has it. I know this because shirt-tail family has an aunt in that very same facility. She was Medicaid from Day #1. Has been in that facility for six years. She is 101 years old. They can't say enough good things about Lexington. And, since mom rehabbed there for two months? I can't say enough good things either.

When family surrenders . . . when they say, "I can't manage anymore," there is help galore out there...AFTER that person has spent their own money. Families want to "save the home" -- "save their inheritance" -- have a low-cost place to live while they're "care-taking" their loved one -- who don't EVER want to see them spend what they've saved all their lives to accumulate?

Those people are their own worst enemies. Money is NOT the problem. Trying to hang ON to it is the problem.

"destroyed" you sound like a bitter no nothing that should just keep your "ideas" to yourself. Someone like you is no help that is for sure.

Same to you RCW6532. Your response was of no use. At least you got up off the sofa. Educate yourself. To Maggiemarshall: Happy to hear you have such great support. How perfectly wonderful you have a devoted family and you have found solace in the available resources that you mention. Your case and circumstances are entirely yours. Not everyone has what you have nor have received the wonderful outcome of resources that you boast about. I wish everyone could have the same as you. It is NOT the case for many. People on this forum are terribly territorial in what they BELIEVE is available for everyone. I am positive resources vary from state to state. Did that ever cross your mind.
I have been in my state's facilities for the elderly and I can tell you I would not put any living creature in those places. Consider yourself lucky. Thank the LORD you are not in the position of others seeking help. Please understand, what you have/are experiencing is not the NORM for everyone. You come off as a braggart. We are all happy for you and your family. Now, back to business of helping others who are NOT so fortunate.

In response to MaggieMarshal: The Man in your life that does everything for you, the support you get from your family. Fantastic for you. Some caregivers have NO LIVING FAMILY! Some caregivers have spent their ENTIRE life savings caring for an elderly parent. How about this MaggieMarshal, what resources would you have left when you had your family members murdered and the only one left has dementia/Alzheimer's. REALITY CHECK!

Sorry, I'm not pickin' up what you're puttin' down.

My "family" is my cousin. She comes over once a week and calls every day. My friends? They Facebook me for updates. One, busy earning a living and caring for her own disabled son, and once a month for 3 hours, we get together for dinner with two other of my friends. I never see them otherwise. Those people, and Tom, my partner for 14 years give me my hugs and support. Not exactly a long line. But enough.

You want to throw stones. Okay, I'll play catch with you.

Why are you spending your life savings caring for your parent? Just what kind of care does this parent need that comes out of your pocket? Medicare and a supplement pays for every single thing for my mom. She did work, though. So her Social Security check is the national average of about $1200 a month. After her Medicare and supplement premiums, she has $750 left -- includes a Part D drug program, too. She pays for nothing. Until a year ago when she moved in with me, she got the best medical care on the planet from Loyola University Hospital. Didn't cost her a dime,

What's it costing you? What have you spent your life savings paying for? Why are you different?

And lastly, a repeat of the post you were responding to:

"Our government doesn't float old people away on icebergs. If someone is destitute? They will get the very same care my mom would get in the nursing home that will charge her $9,000/month because she has it. I know this because shirt-tail family has an aunt in that very same facility. She was Medicaid from Day #1. Has been in that facility for six years. She is 101 years old. They can't say enough good things about Lexington. And, since mom rehabbed there for two months? I can't say enough good things either."

Now. If you expect to stay home from work, have your mom pay for the roof over both of your heads and the food you eat in exchange for your care-giving? Then I understand the problem. And it's not the system.

I refuse to believe your state has snake-pit nursing homes. What state? I'll do some homework, 'cause I'm betting you haven't. My money's on you don't want mom in a nursing home because you lose your place to live.

If the care you've witnessed isn't stellar? Well, it's not going to be stellar. That's where you, as her advocate, come in.

And speaking of helping others...where's your OWN contribution beyond attacking those who offer well-meaning suggestions?

I live a blessed life. But the resources I mentioned, Meals on Wheels, a cleaning lady to come in twice a month for $28, a snow shoveller for $15 or $20 a time, a $1000 stipend for companion care . . . those are available to anyone, means or not. Senior apartments available for around $800/month in terrific neighborhoods. Walk to everything. Many MORE services available that mom doesn't get because of her assets. You've got them, too. Give me your state and maybe I'll have a look for them.

destroyed , if "all of the advice you are getting is useless", I am curious why you are on the website contributing to the discussions and asking new questions?

I understand from previous postings by you earlier this month that you feel that the Caregiver has no rights and how easy it is for the person who has dementia to call the police and have the Caregiver arrested. Apparently the case didn't turn out the way you had hoped. That's tough situation. And yes, something has to be done.

As for a relative to use all their own money to care for an elder relative, well that was their choice to use their own money to keep the elder at home, or for the elder to use Medicaid and move into a nursing facility. Not all facilities are terrible, if they were no one would be working there, or in residence. And if the facility's has a Alzheimer/Dementia wing, there is not much one can do to make it feel like a 4 or 5-star hotel.

Please try to have a little compassion. Caregiver burnout affects each one differently and "Destroyed"'s defeated and despairing tone sounds like burnout to me. Being an only child, fishing desperately for funds for your ailing parent, feeling frustrated because the only acceptable care options all seem to require lots of money, and fearing for your own personal depletion of funds,not to mention your job and life because your parents didn't save any money and you want to help them, continue to be my challenges these past years and it can make you bitter, angry and defeatist at times.Though I have no idea of "Destroyed"'s personal circumstance, I hear that they could use a little empathy and support. Isn't that what this website is all about?

Maggiemarshall read the posts, I do not live with parent. Freqflyer get some oxygen. This is not a competition folks. Bitter and hostile women on this forum. The hostility from most of you is unbelievable! Apparently everyone here wants to "brag" about how blessed they are and all of the resources they have been blessed with. To even ask why someone would spend their own money to keep a roof over their parent's head and to make sure they have food to eat is coming from the type of people who are not compassionate, caring or have a clue as to what their life and their parent's life would be like if those 'BLESSINGS were not availablein their lives. I can not believe such selfish behavior and sense of entitlement you think you have earned by just having an opinion. My family saved money for all they could. No debts, no living beyond our means, how dare you have the audacity to judge not only me but my family. As for bragging about your "partner", for X amount of years. Try commitment. Right back at you for casting stones. And by the way if your mother gets $1200 a month PLUS all of the government benefits great.
That is NOT the case for all people. This is NOT a competition!
If everyone on this forum is here to brag about what they are getting and have, so be it. Not the type of forum to be used for those seeking help for loved ones and caregiver concerns. You have all made it clear your own personal egos are in much need of validation by the constant berating and hateful comments toward me. I feel sorry for all of you. Your hate is well documented. I am so glad to hear the pettiness of your views on ME instead of the subject. I will author another book and all of you will be reading it and not know I was the writer.

Freqflier: Please note again you can NOT just put an elder in a facility as you seem to think and rant about. Comprehend the posts. The law does not allow anyone to put an elder in a facility, no matter what is wrong with them. Educate yourself. I have been trying to explain legal issues to HELP caregivers. You are up in the air and need some oxygen. Hostility is not the answer, I feel sorry for you.

Destroyed, read your OWN posts: You've offered not one iota of advice to the opening poster, only stopped by to tell us all what a ****** job we're doing trying to help her.

I don't know your back story. Haven't been around long enough.

I can't even imagine why you sign on except to disrupt the forum and take your anger out on a bunch of OTHER caregivers who're doing the best they can with what they have or don't have. Such is not the case with you.

Hey Maggie........I've got Lots of "skinny" on this one too. Save your typing fingers and don't feed the trolls. They will bite your fingers right off. lol Love to you and thank you for all you bring to this forum. YOU rock!

This site is for all caregivers to find answers, seek support from one another. We all comment based on our life, our experiences, what worked for us, what did not. If we were to only comment on what would apply to what would really work for the questing poster's seeking advice, no one would be commenting. Because we Don't Know what would be the real solution. Instead, we post what worked for us. Then it's the questing poster's decision to decide if these advices fit with their situation. If it doesn't, they check the next person and the next.

Just because a person has burned out does not give them the right to accuse or attack other posters' comments. When I found this site about 2 years ago, I was passed burned out from caregiving 2 bedridden parents, clinging to my full time job because I'm not independently wealthy nor were we poor enough to qualify for the federal government's program (for housing, foodstamps, etc..) I had 7 siblings and no one stepped up when dad had his stroke and became bedridden. It was just me and my 2 bedridden parents. Mom was basically a vegetative state on oxygen, stomach tube and trache (constant suctioning every 10 minutes day/night or else she literally chokes to near death if not suctioned in time).

When I found this site, my therapist said that I was close to dying from exhaustion. I was very bitter, angry, resentful, hated my siblings, my parents, God, myself and the whole world. I already decided that I was going to kill myself as the only means to get away from caregiving.

But not once, have I ever attacked anyone here on this site. Yes, I attacked verbally against my siblings, my dad. But not to the strangers here. My bitterness/anger has nothing to do with them. Why should I attack them? So, just because one is burned out and bitter does not give them the right to criticize posters' comments if they are trying to be helpful. If you don't like it, skip it. If you think they are being hurtful, you report it. What I did was vent here all over the different threads my anger and bitterness against my family. I kept venting until I got most of it out of my system. You see, I kept it all inside of me. I'm just so glad that at the time I was venting, no one criticized me like I've been seeing all over this site. There are soooo many bitter angry people here. No thread seems to be safe anymore.

Most important of all, I just keep worrying about the newcomers. They come here seeking for help and I don't want them to be scared off by all the aggressiveness on this site. Sigh....

Something does not add up. There is one person who is posting repeatedly that nearly everyone else is attacking them, giving useless advice or being very selfish. This person is somewhere beyond burnout at this point and hurting terribly, AND not able to post what the exact situation really is with their caregiving, only that it has gone incredibly badly. And, that it is the system is what is making the difficult impossible for them - a system that we all know is imperfect, though can often be made to work.

We have got to stop responding in kind. We all want to offer sympathy, acceptance, and a shoulder to cry on when that's what someone needs, and advice to look at things differently when they need that even more. We want to share our experiences and make something good come out of the difficult things we have been through by having it be helpful to someone else.

Destroyed - you do need to know that you are in fact coming across as not just suffering and a victim of injustice, but as someone who is unhinged, and that may well be a real-life factor in making it less likely that anyone who is supposed to help you will help you. If you could give the actual back story - kind of Dragnet style - just the facts of the situation and where you are now - it is possible that someone will be able to read between the lines and help you find the key to making something better or at least approaching tolerability. If instead you just want to make the point that your situation is horrible and no one anywhere has a shred of comprehension or compassion for it, if somehow all the put downs of people who really are trying to understand and help are keeping you out of the darkest part of the black hole of despair - the problem is that this approach is hurting others too much, and bringing out the worst in us and it really has to stop. There is a different way to go about this. Think about what you really most deeply want...it may not be possible, because I think what nearly all of us most deeply wanted is for our loved ones not to be deterioriating and needing care, and for ourselves to have their love even if they really did not ever have it to give. But other things we want may be possible: we want to feel good about ourselves, that we have done the best we could see our way to doing, and that we had as positive an impact on our loved ones as possible under the often terribly difficult and sad circumstances.

There is another way for you to reach out and get something of what you need..there is another way we can respond. I've seen it here, I've felt it here. We can do this.